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Original poster

Would you go on this date?

63 replies

MrTumblesbitch · 19/05/2017 23:29

I know by the other thread going that some people have super high boundaries, I've been single so long I don't know if I have any, so please wise ladies tell me if this needs side stepping!

Online date, have been chatting a week. He seems lovely and very promising. He originally said he was too busy to meet till after half term as he's away, which was fair enough. Then changed his mind and asked me out tomorrow afternoon as he was at a gig toorrow night.

I texted him earlier and just said "are you still up for tomorrow" and he's replied saying he can still meet for an hour if he's not too hungover, or it might be better to meet another time, and that he hasn't planned this very well.

My gut says walk away, but am I being too harsh? He seems really lovely, and we haven't met yet so he doesn't owe me anything. I just expected more than that I think.

For full disclosure, I've had many a fucked up relationship in the past so had a years psychotherapy when ds was born to try and deal with it all. Ds is 5 now and I've been single / not dating all this time. I'm incredibly inexperienced and not sure my instincts are correct ever.

So, should I reply? Go on date? Sack him off?!

Thank you all so much for reading this war & peace post!

OP posts:
SuperPug · 20/05/2017 07:30

Regarding boundaries...
He should only wear certain colours / should do this job etc - maybe too restrictive. I know men and women who have done this in the past.
Boundaries which make you value yourself - perfect.

MyOtherProfile · 20/05/2017 07:31

I'd meet him for an hour. I think first meet up of OLD works best of its just an hour for coffee to dip your toe in the water. He's made a big effort to make sure he hasnt upset you. Go for coffee and keep your guard up.

MyOtherProfile · 20/05/2017 07:33

Mwant to add... he clearky gas other studd planned which isnt a problem at all, and is trying to make it work to meet you in between even if briefly. You've obly been chatting a week and he will have made these other arrangements before then. Would be odd if he dropped them all to meet you at this early stage.
However the hangover post gig warning in advance would put me off a bit.

Maraudersmap1 · 20/05/2017 07:50

Yeah see what he is like another day, he may realise and make up for it. If this was to continue I'd say dont bother.

sleepingdragons · 20/05/2017 07:51

i would meet him out of curiosity if nothing else!

PeanutButterCheesecake · 20/05/2017 08:02

I would kind of go the opposite and think, he had all this stuff planned (gig, holiday) but still tried to accommodate you in the little spare time he had. I wouldn't necessarily say it's a bad thing.

PowerPantsRule · 20/05/2017 08:16

I'd meet him. He sounds OK - he's apologised, which is more than most men seem to be able to do Smile

Original poster
MrTumblesbitch · 20/05/2017 08:20

Right! I've decided I'm not playing mind games, so I've texted him and said I hope he had a nice night and did he still want to meet up as if he was hungover it might be best to rearrange.

I'm waiting for ds dad to get here so I can have a nap, then do some shopping, so I have stuff to do (important stuff! Napping is a diary requirement!) either way!

Thank you everyone for your help - I will keep you all posted!

OP posts:
MrsRaymondReddington · 20/05/2017 08:31

He doesn't sound like a complete waste of space....that would be a harsh judgment to make based on what he's said. He does seem to have his priorities all wrong though. I've been on A LOT of online dates and the best ones were always the ones that we both seemed excited about, with a bit of a build up and no real flirting beforehand, just lots of nice chat.

There's no harm in meeting for one date. I'd say, if you have any reservations after that then make your excuses and move on. Good luck OP

MyOtherProfile · 20/05/2017 08:58

I dont think he has his priorities wrong. These are things planned before he started chatting to OP and it would be flakey of him to cancel them for her at this early stage. As peanut butter said he is trying to meet anyway. It would be different if several dates down the line he was still just fitting her in for an hour between his main social events.

Smeaton · 20/05/2017 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cricrichan · 20/05/2017 09:06

I too get drunk when I go out and might be hungover the next day. However, if I had the chance to meet someone I was really excited to meet, I'd want to be my best and would certainly make sure I wasn't hungover. And I wouldn't insult them by saying I may be able to squeeze them in on our first meeting and tell them that I might be hungover.

I wouldn't be interested and wouldn't meet up with him and certainly not be 'squeezed in'.

prettywhiteguitar · 20/05/2017 09:12

Yeah he's not the one for your first date after 6 years, have you thought about trying to meet people in real life ? Salsa, gym, running club ? I just think it would be easier than old, it's such s minefield if you have confidence issues

Original poster
MrTumblesbitch · 20/05/2017 10:25

Argh, I hate this! He's replied:

Morning batgirl! Just woke up now! So lazy! Last night was good thanks. I really want to meet up with you but don't want to put you off by being hungover! Is another time ok you reckon? When I can hopefully impress and charm you with my wit and conversation when I'm feeling human?! Plus it gives me time to practise and come up with some wit and conversation! Please don't think I'm putting this off! I honestly do want to see you so much! What do you think? xx

I'm feeling a bit deflated, but just to clarify - he had the plans first and was reallly upfront about trying to fit in us meeting sooner, so I can't blame him for that. In fact I would have judged him more if he had changed plans / dumped his friends to see me.

I hate that I'm giving this so much headspace already! Any tips on what to reply? I feel really out my depth with this all!

Ps pretty I would love to meet people in real life, but I work from home and have sole care of DS so don't meet people or get out much. I'm such a catch Grin

OP posts:
Brogadaccio · 20/05/2017 10:31

If he seems promising and you would like to stack the odds in favouring of this working out then I'd cancel.

It's not game playing. It's just that it takes a full hour to readjust your online preconceptions to the actual reality. And then from there with online preconceptions put aside you might start to build a very fledgling connection. If he's going away for (how long) after the day you might meet for one hour then I think it's a lot of pressure to be so spectacularly memorable that with his curiosity satisfied he wants to meet up again ten days later (?) after he's met you once for an hour.

I've done internet dating on and off for two years now. you do see patterns emerging.

Brogadaccio · 20/05/2017 10:32

Text him

"you seem great, I want more of an hour of your company! I want you in fine form. As it turns out, this evening doesn't work for me either :-( so when you can spare a full evening we can meet up without hangovers or clockwatching!"

Original poster
MrTumblesbitch · 20/05/2017 10:34

Brogaddacio thank you - that makes sense! Right, so how do I word it that I'm not a walk over but another time is okay?

I'm sure I'm making this harder work than it needs to be ConfusedFlowers

OP posts:
Original poster
MrTumblesbitch · 20/05/2017 10:35

Fabulous cross posts! I love you brogaddacio! Thank you! Will send that over now :)

OP posts:
Trollspoopglitter · 20/05/2017 10:42

Slotting in you in for one hour is PERFECT! Most online dates you meet for a first time are short - coffee or drink. Never a dinner. That way, you can both see if there's any chemistry there or if you click in person and not waste time building up an imaginary person based on emails and photos.

Eons ago when I dated, I always "fitted" dates in between something else. Usually an imaginary something else that was easy to cancel if there was a spark :-)

seoulsurvivor · 20/05/2017 10:43

You're over thinking. You don't need to say stuff about how 'this evening is bad for me too', it just looks obvious that you're trying to be cool.

Just keep chatting if you want to and if it seems like you'd like to meet, then meet.

Trollspoopglitter · 20/05/2017 10:44

Sorry I wouldn't text what broggadacio wrote - sounds way too needy and intense. If a man I had never met before sent me that, I'd run.

Original poster
MrTumblesbitch · 20/05/2017 10:51

Oh god, no wonder I'm confused Grin

I've sent:

Morning! Sorry for delay in replying - bat girl responsibilities are in full flow! You seem really lovely and I want you fighting fit when we meet! As it turns out, this afternoon was looking to be a pain for me too - so let's meet up another time when we are both in fine form and I'm not clock watching to get home! Do you think there are any online classes we can take to practice wit and conversations?! I need those skills as well! Haha! xx

(We have both been joking about how unpractised we are in dating) I've sent it now, so don't be too mean! Is 1050 too early to drink?! I feel like I need it now! Too much angst too early on in the day!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrTumblesbitch · 20/05/2017 10:52

I'm actually embarrssed now - text flirtations shouldn't be shared and analysed. They are just too cringey! I promise I'm a normal functioning member of society the rest of the time..... Blush

OP posts:
unapaloma · 20/05/2017 10:53

I also wouldn't recommend saying you want more than an hour!
Putting a time limit on it is a good way for both parties to end it if things are going badly, and when you have never met you may just find you don't hit it off.
I've been on several short first meetings, its perfectly reasonable and saves a long awkward meal that neither of you wants to stay for.

unapaloma · 20/05/2017 10:55

Saying you want more time with him could also be interpreted as meaning you're hoping to do more than chat a bit, which probably NOT what you were asking him for!