Hello all, long term reader first time poster.
Been partner 3 years, living together for the past 2. DP is fantastic - intelligent, kind, outgoing and incredibly beautiful.
For the 2 years we've lived together, I've done all clothes washing - I organise what needs to be washed depending on colour, fabric etc, then I wash & dry and fold DP's clothes to be put away. I also clean the house - tidy, vacuum and mop floors. I do all of this for a number of reasons; I like the flat to be clean & tidy for both of us and I know DP hates doing it.
My Mum was very strict regarding cleanliness and this has undoubtedly rubbed off on me - when I lived with her I was instructed and told what and how to clean. I think this too has made it less of an effort for me to do the majority of the cleaning as I'm used to doing most of it myself.
Today I came home at lunch and found 3 day old pile of washed clothes that DP assured me was going to be put away this morning, the bed was unmade with a wet towel thrown on top and the room generally looked like a bomb hit it. In the living room, an empty used bowl of cereal (with cereal & milk beside it) and an empty coffee cup.
I texted DP to say I was upset, apologies were given etc and then DP sent a voicemail about being stressed with a work project. I felt DP was trying to justify and told DP this.
When DP came home, I was hanging washing out to dry. We have a tradition that if you come home and the other person is there, the person who came home has to come and say hello & kiss the other. DP did neither of that so I thought "fuck it!", finished what I was doing and went to the bedroom. DP came to the bedroom and said sorry.
I didn't throw my arms round DP and say "I forgive you, my love!" I said I was upset and DP responded that they were too.
DP had taken umbrage when I said it makes me feel DP doesn't give a shit about me and that I feel DP mustn't have any respect for me, going on all the previous repeated actions. (this comment was in the initial texts)
DP starts saying I need to have empathy, that DP is stressed due to work project and I shouldn't be so tough. I respond by pointing out I've been pleading with DP to just do a tiny little for at least a year.
Our main issue is communication during arguments. We very rarely argue but when we do it is usually a disaster. I feel that anything I say is taken as a personal attack by DP and it descends into a "you did this, this and this" etc.
DP has told me that when we argue, I change. Supposedly I become cold and unfeeling, my voice changes and DP feels unable to talk to me.
There may be truth to this. My Mum has had the biggest influence on me and I have some of her best & worst traits, I imagine. She is authoritarian and can come across quite stern (my siblings and I used to call her Stalin!) I don't say this to make her out to be bad as she's generally a fantastic mother & person. In contrast, DP's Mum is more laidback and less focused on rules so we had very different upbringings and discipline.
DP when upset cries and shuts down - won't acknowledge me at all and ignores me. Usually I end up comforting DP and we both calm down but this means we never speak about what's going on!!
So today, instead of comforting I told DP I was going to go and wash some dishes for 5 or 10mins and then when we're both calm we should talk. DP accused me of being even more unfeeling than unusual and that I should be more empathetic. I left the room and went to collect myself.
A few minutes later, DP left the flat without saying anything and has texted to say will not be home tonight as can't stand to see me or be near me right now.
Where DP has gone, God only knows.
So, I'm sat here typing a novel telling strangers as I've no one to tell in real life.
I love DP completely, I know that for sure and this type of thing only happens every now & again. I feel that when we have arguments we need to be able to communicate how we're feeling properly. I believe DP thinks I become too cold, unemotional and 'logical', for want of a better word, whilst I feel DP needs to calm down, manage emotions and have a more adult approach.
Am I at fault? Am I being an asshole? I searched for couples counselling in my area, would they be able to teach us ways to manage these situations? I'm not deluded, I know we'll have arguments in the future and I don't want this pattern to keep repeating. I don't know how game DP will be for counselling though.
I would love a family with DP and am sure DP would be a fantastic, loving parent. Nevertheless from what I see from my siblings, being a parent is hard and fucking stressful and I worry about what will happen if DP is stressed and acts in a similar manner with children.
Any and all constructive views, thoughts, criticism and the like welcomed but please don't just barge in and call me an asshole without offering any advice. And apologies for the length, evidently being succinct isn't one of my strong points.