Outside perspective and advice wanted

[user1495201219]

Hello all, long term reader first time poster.

Been partner 3 years, living together for the past 2. DP is fantastic - intelligent, kind, outgoing and incredibly beautiful.
For the 2 years we've lived together, I've done all clothes washing - I organise what needs to be washed depending on colour, fabric etc, then I wash & dry and fold DP's clothes to be put away. I also clean the house - tidy, vacuum and mop floors. I do all of this for a number of reasons; I like the flat to be clean & tidy for both of us and I know DP hates doing it.
My Mum was very strict regarding cleanliness and this has undoubtedly rubbed off on me - when I lived with her I was instructed and told what and how to clean. I think this too has made it less of an effort for me to do the majority of the cleaning as I'm used to doing most of it myself.
Today I came home at lunch and found 3 day old pile of washed clothes that DP assured me was going to be put away this morning, the bed was unmade with a wet towel thrown on top and the room generally looked like a bomb hit it. In the living room, an empty used bowl of cereal (with cereal & milk beside it) and an empty coffee cup.
I texted DP to say I was upset, apologies were given etc and then DP sent a voicemail about being stressed with a work project. I felt DP was trying to justify and told DP this.
When DP came home, I was hanging washing out to dry. We have a tradition that if you come home and the other person is there, the person who came home has to come and say hello & kiss the other. DP did neither of that so I thought "fuck it!", finished what I was doing and went to the bedroom. DP came to the bedroom and said sorry.
I didn't throw my arms round DP and say "I forgive you, my love!" I said I was upset and DP responded that they were too.
DP had taken umbrage when I said it makes me feel DP doesn't give a shit about me and that I feel DP mustn't have any respect for me, going on all the previous repeated actions. (this comment was in the initial texts)
DP starts saying I need to have empathy, that DP is stressed due to work project and I shouldn't be so tough. I respond by pointing out I've been pleading with DP to just do a tiny little for at least a year.
Our main issue is communication during arguments. We very rarely argue but when we do it is usually a disaster. I feel that anything I say is taken as a personal attack by DP and it descends into a "you did this, this and this" etc.
DP has told me that when we argue, I change. Supposedly I become cold and unfeeling, my voice changes and DP feels unable to talk to me.
There may be truth to this. My Mum has had the biggest influence on me and I have some of her best & worst traits, I imagine. She is authoritarian and can come across quite stern (my siblings and I used to call her Stalin!) I don't say this to make her out to be bad as she's generally a fantastic mother & person. In contrast, DP's Mum is more laidback and less focused on rules so we had very different upbringings and discipline.
DP when upset cries and shuts down - won't acknowledge me at all and ignores me. Usually I end up comforting DP and we both calm down but this means we never speak about what's going on!!
So today, instead of comforting I told DP I was going to go and wash some dishes for 5 or 10mins and then when we're both calm we should talk. DP accused me of being even more unfeeling than unusual and that I should be more empathetic. I left the room and went to collect myself.
A few minutes later, DP left the flat without saying anything and has texted to say will not be home tonight as can't stand to see me or be near me right now.
Where DP has gone, God only knows.
So, I'm sat here typing a novel telling strangers as I've no one to tell in real life.
I love DP completely, I know that for sure and this type of thing only happens every now & again. I feel that when we have arguments we need to be able to communicate how we're feeling properly. I believe DP thinks I become too cold, unemotional and 'logical', for want of a better word, whilst I feel DP needs to calm down, manage emotions and have a more adult approach.
Am I at fault? Am I being an asshole? I searched for couples counselling in my area, would they be able to teach us ways to manage these situations? I'm not deluded, I know we'll have arguments in the future and I don't want this pattern to keep repeating. I don't know how game DP will be for counselling though.
I would love a family with DP and am sure DP would be a fantastic, loving parent. Nevertheless from what I see from my siblings, being a parent is hard and fucking stressful and I worry about what will happen if DP is stressed and acts in a similar manner with children.
Any and all constructive views, thoughts, criticism and the like welcomed but please don't just barge in and call me an asshole without offering any advice. And apologies for the length, evidently being succinct isn't one of my strong points.

It sounds like you might be incompatible rather than one or the other being unreasonable

You sound quite intense and inflexible to me and your DP is obviously more laid back and spontaneous

I must admit I'm quite shocked & saddened

I'd always been so confident in us even on the few previous occasions we've found ourselves in situations like this. Maybe I'm deluded.

Thank you for your responses.

OP can be a man or a woman - and the partner as well. But that hardly matters.

It is not easy when these daily life expectations are mismatched. What seems to OP as a 'little thing' that they are asking - can be a difficult thing to do for the partner, if that's. it what they are used to.

And if some of them don't relax/change - over years it'll lead to resentments.
I have that with H - and different upbringing & expectations on the household 'organisation' have lead to many an arguments over years, and have definitely affected our relationship.
And once kids arrived - it became worse in a way. Because kids - they generate so much 'mess', especially in the early years.
And, that, combined with tiredness in those years - is not great for disagreements over tidyness.

So - OP - my only comment here - figure out a way to live together at ann acceptable (to both, not only you level of involvement in cleaning up) - before you, potentially, have a family...

I'm with your dp. Sometimes I just can't be arsed to tidy. It's not a big deal for me. It will get done at some point and life is too short to stress about it.
Dp probably doesn't take kindly to being nagged either - nor do I - it makes me dig my heels in!
If you think there is a horribly unequal division of chores then by all means discuss it and come to a compromise, but bear in mind that not everyone lives by your standards, and leave off the nagging.

Your partner sounds like an arse. People sound different when they are in an argument because they are angry. Unless your partner has good reason to be scared of you, they are essentially unable to cope with criticism and have always reacted to legitimate anger by making themselves the victim. Is your partner a youngest child by any chance? (Youngest of three myself, so I know how it works).

No your partner doesn't have to do everything your way, but leaving wet towels on the bed is something you would tell off a twelve year old for, because it's making much, much more work. The odd dirty cup or plate is annoying but not quite such a huge deal. It does sound as if it has not clicked with them that leaving things out of place doubles the workload - why would it, when the extra half of the workload is being done by you?

If you can stop feeling that you have to do the extra work, maybe you can stop being angry about it. Tell your partner they're an entitled ragbag and laugh at their awful standards, chuck all the wet bedding off the bed, have a shag then tell them it's their turn to load the washing machine. If none of this is possible, maybe a few sessions of counselling would help, or maybe it's time to enjoy the sheer heaven of a place which nobody has left a whole load of shit in for you to clear up.

if you don't share the housework then he'll never learn 'common sense' will he?

By choosing to do it all your own way you're enabling him to be a manchild.

If you keep wiping someones arse for them they'll never learn to do it for themself.

You sound like you have a lot of "rules", OP. Does you DP have rules that he/she expects you to live by, too?

Puts me a little in mind of my situation.

My dh has the tasks that I'm not as fussed about because I know I'd be guilty of never being satisfied with the timing or thoroughness of how it was done.

Dh used to say that I always did things before he could. Truth is, I have higher standards than him despite not being a beat freak. He's just a slob when it comes to maintaining what we have, but amazing when it comes to design and build of new projects.

I do think the messy partner is female. Obviously not that it should matter. is that you DH

Hope that DP returned and that things are going better this morning.

There are some things you can do in terms of making sure you're not left tidying up after DP or feeling resentful if the place is a mess.

Perhaps the first thing to do would be to sit down when you're both calm and happy and to have a real talk about expectations.

How tidy does DP want the house? Does it matter to them if laundry is put away or are they happy to rummage in the basket for items as and when required? Is it OK with them to put away breakfast stuff when they return from work rather than before they leave in the morning?

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to be able to turn around and tell someone that you care about that you're different and have different standards. It's much easier to just go along with status quo and not give such things much thought but this inevitably leads to problems down the road.

DP either has the same standards you have or not and it's good to know which it is. The next stage is to figure out what you can and cannot live with - is it OK for you to find wet towels in the bed when you come home? To find the milk left out in the dining room for hours? Under what circumstances might this be OK for you and how often? E.g. it might be manageable at times of high stress once in a blue moon when accompanied with an apologetic text to warn you before you get home, and a promise to fix the mess as soon as DP gets home.

Know your limits and be courageous in expressing your expectations: what are your deal breakers? What will you no longer accept? At what stage would you say that something was disrespectful and you couldn't live with it? If you find your expectations and those of DP generally match with a little work on both sides that's great, if not it's best to know that too.

The really difficult part of these discussions is working out consequences when you state a limitation, and being firm with that consequence so that you're always living in line with your values.

Hopefully this will cut down on nagging and lecturing so you don't feel you're turning into your mum!

user1494949919 - Thank you again for your post, it provided me with a lot of food for thought.

DP did come home last night and we talked things through.
Whilst DP was away, I was able to try and think & analyze my actions. I realised that whilst I never said "oh, I've vacced and mopped the floors and cleaned the bathroom!" and looked for positive reaction, I did feel happy when DP thanked me for doing it. With the laundry, again, I've never said "look at me, I've washed your clothes!" however I did think to myself "I've washed you clothes, so surely you can put them away"
My behaviour obviously wasn't altruistic even if I had tried to convince myself otherwise.
Furthermore, I hadn't fully realised how much stress DP is feeling right now. DP had told me but I admit it went in one ear and out the other. I shall endeavour to be more conscientious and look at the big picture rather than just seeing a wet towel and focusing on that.
In an effort to remedy this and to better prepare ourselves for the future, we've agreed on a signal that means either one of us can take a break and remove ourselves from the scene to allow us to calm down and think more rationally. This will allow me to try and place myself on a more even keel and hopefully avoid becoming like my Mother!
I need to chill out about this and stop being so anal. I love DP and a bit of untidiness won't kill me.

Thanks again for the responses, in particular user1494949919.

user1495201219 glad DP came back last night and you managed to talk and smooth things out. It's so stressful arguing with a loved one, glad things have been resolved.

The signal sounds like a great idea and I'm glad you've made peace with it not being so tidy sometimes. All the best and enjoy the rest of your weekend with DP.