Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think dh is having a breakdown

41 replies

problems · 07/07/2004 23:17

I have changed my name as this is very sensitive.
DH has gone to bed (8pm)..and I think he is cracking up inside.
We have gone to hell and high water since having the kids.. and it is remarkable that we are still together really.
I have been getting help for myself (counselling etc)and he has let me take all the burden of responsibility without doing anything to sort his own problems out.
So it has got to the point where I am feeling a bit more together and he is just a mess.
My problem is that I am mother of 2 children- not 3 and he needs help but doesn't think he does/ or will not ask for it.
I am getting very P*d off with him and his lack of responsibility (he leaves me to deal with sick child when he is drunk etc).
I don't know A) whether I can help him. B) whether I even want to anymore (respect at all time low) C)If I want us to stay together (not under these conditions)
In anticipation...
yes we have tried Relate/didn't do much for us.. (too much water under the bridge now)
no- I don't NOT Love him - I feel he needs a kick up the backside and to sort himself out....

yes we have thought about anti depressives (he finds every excuse as to why he doesn't need them)

In short how do you get somebody to help themselves get better?

sorry its so long......

OP posts:
tammybear · 07/07/2004 23:24

awww problems, i know its very difficult. and i think the only way you can get to help someone is to realise that they need to sort themselves out. do you mind going into more detail of why he's a mess?

Original poster
problems · 07/07/2004 23:29

No tammyb..
we have both been a mess due to shock of first child etc.(difficult birth/baby/child) no support etcetc.
We didn't bond (me and dh) but tore each other up over the whole thing... I went into freefall, he went into total rut. He is now fat, unfit,no energy,no initiative, leaves everything to me - depressed I would say. Blames me coz I have changed - lost confidence etc since kids- and he relied on me I think (in hindsight)... but I have needed him and he just aint been there.

OP posts:
tammybear · 07/07/2004 23:34

i take it you have spoken to him about this? and he refuses to get help? am i right? my exp refuses help, and when i was thinking of going counselling, my dp wasnt happy with it, so it may be a general man thing that they dont want to accept help as it lowers their status as a man or something stupid like that

Original poster
problems · 07/07/2004 23:38

yes and no... I have forced the issue so many times.. he actually went to the doctor (male) who said "i have seen worse cases than you" ( very helpful- er not) so reiterating that it is in MY mind and not his.
He actually was prescribed some anti-depressants, but said he would try and stop drinking first. Needless to say he hasn't done either.
So I am left just getting angrier and angrier and he just walks off and goes to bed coz he can't handle it.

OP posts:
tammybear · 07/07/2004 23:49

does he know how angry you get? or would he just think you're over reacting? ive been through a lot of this with exp. he's a walking emotional wreck

Original poster
problems · 07/07/2004 23:54

oh he knows how angy I get.. but it has the reverse effect on him IYSWIM.
i guess I should try and change my tactics.. but tbqh I am knackered and trying to get my own head together and look after 2 kids.
Sometimes I really think it would be easier to do it on my own- I would be less resentful. But then I think that we did have things going for us once, and maybe we could again if we can BOTH work at it.
I also worry about his mental state, and think I have a responsibility not to leave him in the lurch when he evidently has noone else who would care about him.

OP posts:
tammybear · 08/07/2004 00:03

sometimes people need a real shake up as i find that once they get comfortable in a certain situation, they wont make the effort. the only thing i can think of is for you to book an appointment with a doctor for him, and go too, so you can explain the situation, and how stressful it is for you. that may help. maybe if you saw a woman doctor who may be more sympathetic towards you

Original poster
problems · 08/07/2004 00:28

thanks tammybear... I worry a bit about Doctors, I have been and gone thro all the depression etc route, now if there are 2 of us what will that mean for kids... do they put us on an alert register of some kind ? I mean of course it is good to be up front and honest... but when kids are involved and 2 parents are being treated for depression... will they alert authorities etc???

OP posts:
tammybear · 08/07/2004 00:32

i was suffering from depression a few months back, i suffered really bad that it affected my whole body and i was paralysed for a while. luckly my mum was round my house at the time, and so when i went to doctor (im a single mum btw) i was worried about this too. however my doctor assured me they wont take dd away from me as i said i was afraid of being honest in case they did and gave her to exp (long story but i wouldnt trust him with a £1 of my money let alone my dd) but she said they only will do that in extreme cases, as if i was going to be a danger to myself or to dd. you're only asking for help and it sounds like you're doing an amazing job coping with everything you have to

tammybear · 08/07/2004 00:36

hmmm i made that sound a lot worse than it was. when i said paralysed for a while, i meant... well i did go paralysed as my body went numb and i couldnt move but it last about 10mins.

Original poster
problems · 08/07/2004 00:58

how are you now tammyb?
what happened to dp/dh?

OP posts:
tammybear · 08/07/2004 01:04

i went on anti depressants, although i wasnt keen but as i had dd i wanted to sort myself out. i had to stay at my mums for a week as i was completely week and luckly my mum had the week off work. i had a bad turn as i had everything get on top of me which was money and my exp. i soon stopped taking the anti depressants after a few weeks, as personally i didnt want to rely on them, but they were only 5mg and werent prozac. they were very mild. people think i am quite a strong person, and i think i must be as i have been able to sort myself out now and im in a stage of my life where i can say im happy (although im broke lol)

my exp is a complete mess, partly due to me splitting up with him, and not being able to see dd much as he lives 3 hours away. he wont accept help so until he does, i wont trust him at all with having dd at his house. i have a lot of resent and hatred towards him as a result of things that happened in our relationship, and i will never forgive him for, but i allow him to still see dd, as i grew up without a dad so i dont want to deprive dd of a relationship with her father.

Original poster
problems · 08/07/2004 01:14

it's so difficult isn't it.. I think before kids (BK!)i would have had more time and sympathy for this sort of mental issue, but I just want him to acknowledge that the kids come first and he should sort himself out to be able to look after them properly.
Somehow I Don't think men and women are even slightly together on this one... they still need to be mothered and unfortunately I am NOT his mother, so feel rather cold towards him. keep telling him to grow up (mentally).. Do they ever though?

OP posts:
tammybear · 08/07/2004 01:16

no, i found exp treated me as his mother, and it drove me up the wall. im a mother to one and thats my dd. i dont mind it if he was ill or upset, but not 24/7! i think its very difficult to get through to men. the amount of times i kept asking exp to change or sort himself out is uncountable

Original poster
problems · 08/07/2004 01:24

so tammyb (as it is just you and me!!- think I must have scared everyone!) is life better for you without exp?... do you have any regrets?

OP posts:
lavender1 · 08/07/2004 01:29

problems so sorry to hear of this, it must be very hard for you both. I can understand why you are angry with him but I do think that men are less likely to admit to anything being wrong and bury themselves in something, particularly as it involves opening up.

Men can often feel pushed to one side when a new baby comes on the scene as before they have been the attention....am not being nosey but has the new baby caused you to have any financial worries, s-- problems or has your dh got some history with depression or some aspect of his past causing commitment to be a sore point for him...it is surprising how a new baby can turn an otherwise happy, healthy relationship between two loving adults into one of resentment for the attention the baby receives...do you get any help at all (sorry about all the questions).

tammybear · 08/07/2004 01:32

i would say im a lot happier now. i realised i didnt want to be with exp when i was pregnant, but because i was pregnant i didnt want to be on my own. sounds bit bad i know, but it is a scary thought. after dd was born, it got worse so i thought if we had our own place (as we were living with my mum) it would get better. i was wrong and got even worse. i found out about benefits that i would be entitled to and then decided to go for it, and split up with him. took me over a month i think and the only way i managed to do it (which makes me sound even worse) was to send him home on the thought of us just on a break and then split up with him in a letter . it was the only way i could get through to him though as it was there in black and white.

that was nearly 11 months ago, and ive only managed to sort myself out properly and things are looking up. money has been terrible, but im only getting benefits. ive now got interviews lined up for part time work, driving test on monday, birthday and holiday to look forward to, and my dp has been so supportive.

i would say the only regret i have is getting together with him in the first place, but i dont as i wouldnt have dd if i hadnt. dd is only 18 months so thats fortunate as she doesnt realise much of whats going on, and will probably grow up thinking of our situation as normal. plus i think its a lot better for her to see her mummy happy on her own, then being miserable with her daddy

Original poster
problems · 08/07/2004 01:34

no thanks lavender.. but it's not a new baby.. dd is now 5!!! and things have been pretty awful all the way through really.
I think we both we're out of depths when she was born (v.difficult crying all time etc.. I had PND etc) we have had NO family support (which I truly believe would have given us a bit of respite).... so we are just shell shocked knackered and ot remotely close/intimate. Wr have said some awful things to each other over the last few years...and I really think it is very difficult to regain composure after all that...

OP posts:
Original poster
problems · 08/07/2004 01:40

well good on you tammybear!
I agree your dd will have a much happier mummy and that has to be a good thing.
All I want is change really- and I am doing my best ... just want to see some effort on HIS part. But when you are depressed it really is a catch 22 isn't it?. and I guess sometimes if you are used to being depressed then it is a more familiar place to be (and safer) than trying something else.

OP posts:
tammybear · 08/07/2004 01:43

true, exp uses his depression to make him look like the victim in all this, and that everyone should feel sorry for him as he cant see his dd that often. i just feel like shaking him, tell him to snap out of it and grow up. but also i think its through lazyness. they just cant be bothered to make the effort to change, no matter how much we beg

Original poster
problems · 08/07/2004 01:53

is it lazyness or are they just differently programmed? they genuinely don't think THEY have a problem as it is much easier to blame a woman and her hormones isn't it?
in reality we ALL have problems- aome are just more honest (women usually) than others.

OP posts:
lavender1 · 08/07/2004 01:56

what did you mesn by no thanks, not sure here

tammybear · 08/07/2004 01:57

i think it also depends on men's egos as well. they hate to admit they need help, especially if they have a problem. men are suppose to be the ones who provide, protect and support the women so get offended if they are told theyre not. like with my dp, even though he is great and supportive, when i said i was thinking of going counselling, he got upset as he felt like he had failed me as its his job to help me and look after me (bless his little heart)

Original poster
problems · 08/07/2004 01:58

sorry i meant no- don't worry about the questions, and THANKS, for the concern!! shorthand doesn't translate well sometimes....

OP posts:
Original poster
problems · 08/07/2004 02:10

well I got to get my head down..

Don't know what tomorrow is going to bring.
Just another thought//
Should I call his mother do you think? (she has been completely useless/uninvolved in all our problems)
But I just feel that you don't ever clock off from being a parent- and maybe he needs her more than me and the kids at the moment??

OP posts: