Think dh is having a breakdown

[problems]

I have changed my name as this is very sensitive.
DH has gone to bed (8pm)..and I think he is cracking up inside.
We have gone to hell and high water since having the kids.. and it is remarkable that we are still together really.
I have been getting help for myself (counselling etc)and he has let me take all the burden of responsibility without doing anything to sort his own problems out.
So it has got to the point where I am feeling a bit more together and he is just a mess.
My problem is that I am mother of 2 children- not 3 and he needs help but doesn't think he does/ or will not ask for it.
I am getting very P*d off with him and his lack of responsibility (he leaves me to deal with sick child when he is drunk etc).
I don't know A) whether I can help him. B) whether I even want to anymore (respect at all time low) C)If I want us to stay together (not under these conditions)
In anticipation...
yes we have tried Relate/didn't do much for us.. (too much water under the bridge now)
no- I don't NOT Love him - I feel he needs a kick up the backside and to sort himself out....

yes we have thought about anti depressives (he finds every excuse as to why he doesn't need them)

In short how do you get somebody to help themselves get better?

sorry its so long......

tbh, it may not make any differnce. it depends on what kind of relationship they have. if theyre close, she may very well help but if shes anything like exp's mum, shell just tell you its his problem let him sort it out. maybe he could stay at hers for a bit to get his head straight, but again that might make no difference. i guess its worth a go. have a good nights rest. xxx

Hi problems. My dh is going through a really bad time at the moment too, he's off work through stress and I feel he is depressed. The difference is that he is doing all he possibly can to help himself, seeing a therapist and our GP, listening to friends' advice, and talking things over and over with me.

You are waiting to help your dh but unless he is willing to make the effort to try and help himself you won't get anywhere. He may be depressed but he has to force himself to try and adopt habits that will help him get better. I don't mean to say that he should 'pull himself together' - that old cliche as I have a history of depression myself and I know it's not possible to just do that. All the same until the time he wants to at least try, you are flogging a dead horse. You will end up depressed yourself if you carry on like that for much longer.

Explain to him that he needs to change GPs and find one that will take his illness seriously, and that you are only too willing to offer as much support as he needs as long as he begins to at least try and seek help he so obviously needs.

Perhaps he feels he has failed by falling down with depression - he needs to understand this is an illness and not his fault. Then maybe he won't feel awkward about seeking treatment.

Can I just ask you problems,how do your kids look at your dh?
Do they see that he is not himself?
Have you pointed out all the things that he maybe missing & not noticing about his kids due to him being so iresponsible & self absorbed?
Has he stopped caring about them & you?
His kids are growing & changing all the time!
He needs to see this again & realise life is too short & he cant go back,he musnt make himself have regrets or it will get worse.
I do understand depression though.
He probably doesnt see any of this.
Hope this hasnt come across as patronising or too blunt as Im sure you are aware of all this.
Take care strong one,look after you as well.

thanks for all your kind thoughts/advice.
I guess the kids don't really know what dh is like- tbqh I think he has been depressed since dd(1) wa born- 5 years ago.
It's like he expected something else and he just can't handle the reality of being a father.
I don't think he was fathered very well (dad preferred his sister- and I often wonder if he REALLY is his dad, he is SO cold)... so he is learning on the job - but I guess I am highly critical and just don't think he is the sort of father that I think he should be.
So I guess I haven't helped his fragile state... nevertheless I can only sort my own head out- which believe me I am trying to do.
May be worth getting him to another Doctor janstar- didn't think of that,,Thanks.

sorry to hear your story, problems. Is your dh working? I didn't pick up on this in your messages ( might have missed it). How does he feel about his job - or has he any idea what work would make him happier?

tigermoth- yes he is working - whilst the job suits for holiday/sick leave etc.. it is not doing anything for his esteem etc... he has looked for other work and had a couple of interviews- but I think he is giving off 'can't be ar**d' vibes so not getting anywhere.
Definately in a RUT.

problems, it must be really difficult and I don't think there's any easy or quick answer to things. If your dh is actually making himself go to interviews that sounds quite positive - it takes a bit of get up and go to do that. Could you do a bit of research yourself ( considering his experience and what he really wants to do) and suggest jobs or evening classes that would improve his prospects?

What's he like with his friends? do some of them cheer him up or motive him? can you engineer his social life a bit so he's seeing more of friends who lift his depression?

It's hard getting people to change, I know, it's like chipping away at a rock. My dh can be so stubborn, but then he'll occasionally turn round and tell me my suggestion did make a difference - this might be after literally years of suggesting it!!

tigermoth.. I'm beginning to give up.. on him and our relationship..
He believes he has gone downhill because we don't have a relationship anymore... and I think we don't have a relationship because he has gone downhill!!! men are definately from mars.. and women...
please don't suggest counselling.. we tried it a few years ago.. but I think even they got fed up of us!- it didn't really help.

problems - Sorry in advance if I'm about to get this all wrong. In my experience, the depression has to be sorted out first before anything good can start to happen. Has he seen a doctor recently ie since before 2nd July? If so, did he tell the doctor the whole truth? In my experience, it's good for another person to go along to the first appointment so that the truth comes out ie not sleeping properly, not eating properly, drinking too much, or whatever. If the GP doesn't suit, try another one, also. The one you mentioned previously sounds useless and I'm really cross that he said what he did. You can, of course, move to another surgery if none of the GPs at yours are sympathetic and helpful. Have you or your dh tried getting books from the local library? They often have books on the subject. I don't know if any of that helps. As you said that you still love him but you need to see him helping himself, I'd put it to him quite bluntly what you want and when you want it achieved by. Otherwise, he'll put everything off. Of course, you might be afraid that more pressure will be the last straw for him, so this may not be appropriate. I suppose only you know that. I don't know if any of that helps. Feel free to ignore it if it doesn't! Good luck and take care.

thanks lemonade. You speak a lot of sense...
I am totally in catch 22... I have said my bit and told him he has to sort himself out- but it is like he expects me to do it for him (like he expects me to take control of his life)

problems - Phew! I always worry about putting my foot in it!

From my own experience, I remember saying to the doctor "I don't want to take ads, but if I want to get better, I've got to follow your recommendations, haven't I?" It's easier to pick yourself up at an earlier stage than at a very late one and I didn't want to let things get worse.

Are family and close friends aware of how things are? Could they be more supportive to you or your dh if they were aware?

Does he buy the alcohol himself? If so, could you have a "dry" house for a month to see if that helps?

Take care.

Just need some advice - first time on mumsnet so sorry if doing something wrong ! Living with a man who spends most of his time annoyed, angry and depressed - has been going through a mid life crisis since he reached 40 - now 44 ! Has anyone read how to be good by Nick Hornby - well my husband is the man before he becomes nice ! Spend my life with female friends as better company and dreading going on holiday as will have to spend two weeks with him without any distractions, well other than the children ! Help (smile)

Lyra - Hi! Welcome to MN!

I haven't read the book you mentioned, but hopefully your dh will follow the same pattern.

Could I suggest that you start a new thread by going to "Click here to start a new conversation in the Relationships section" at the top of this thread. Then give your new thread a title (ie Need advice on dh's mid-life crisis.) I don't have any advice for you, I'm afraid, although my dh is about that age. You should get help from wise MNers soon. Good luck!

Message withdrawn

Thanks for the messages - great to get a reply
Work full time so hard to get time for anything !!!
I was interested to read about the rows lisalisa as we just do the same and also go round in circles with the same topic !

He has been awful tonight - hates his job, life you name it he 's said it ! I have said he should got to doctor - but reluctant to take any advice. Whatever i suggest is unrealistic and will not work.

On holiday from sunday for 2 weeks - but will try and look in again before I go - just our PC is in the office and he keep wandering In !!!