Can't take anymore of this

[Weebleswobble1010]

Hi new here,

I've been browsing for a while but I've never posted, however I think I need to get some opinions from people who don't know me or my not so DH.

Back story - Together almost 15 years, married 8. We have two DC aged 10 and 13.

We got together when I was 18 and had our first child quite quick in to the relationship. Over the years we've gone through a lot, depression, our youngest was always in and out of hospital for years with asthma issues. I suffer from anxiety and depression and have done since our eldest was born. Over the years H has been on work nights out, some I've been told about before hand, others he has just gone out and not told me, ignored my calls and messages and rocked up anytime from 3am to 12pm the next day. Due to our sons health I was a SAHM until 2012 and have been working since. His job is in the City and is a hour commute door to door so he is gone from 7.30am until 6.30pm which means the majority of the childcare is left to me which is fine, I work in a School so the hours are perfect and holidays.

The last few years he has got better, I get told in advance and he keeps in touch. There have been a few occasions he has gone out but completely ignores me and has come home at 8am. Those times have been when something has been bothering him, and he uses alcohol to block it.

In general we have a good relationship, plenty of date nights and weekends away just us two. If he isn't at work then he's at home. He never goes anywhere weekends.

Moving on to tonight...

He had a corporate day out with his company, it's not far from where we live, half hour drive give or take with traffic. It started at midday and he said he wouldn't be home too much later than normal, all fine. Spoke to him at 7.30pm he said they were packing up, and waiting for the grand finale etc. Since then he hasn't spoken to me. He wasn't on WhatsApp from 7.30pm until 1.20am. He read the messages ( doubt he's read them properly as he's more than likely steaming drunk ) so I called him at 1.45am, no answer. Sent a few messages to say how cruel he is being and what the hell is wrong with him. He's not been on since 1.20am.

I can't sleep, never can when he is out as my anxiety goes through the roof. I just don't understand why he is doing this, what does he gain? It's impossible to talk to him when he does rock up home as he's so drunk that nothing gets through to him. When I go on work nights out I never do this, I wouldn't dream of it.

The kids are older now and not stupid. If he isn't home by the time we get up for school/work at 6am, I'll be left having to explain it. They'll get upset and not want to go to school, this happened in January. I lost my sh*t and walked out the house, ended up at my doctors and signed off work with stress and anxiety. Granted I was in a bad place with my job at the time, I'd spent weeks telling H how bad things were, he kept telling me to speak to someone but I didn't and then I completely broke down. His reasoning for staying out until 6am that time was because I was giving him stress all day at work, and he had his own work stress going on.

I just don't know what to do anymore. This isn't healthy. He always says sorry and he won't do it again. Ha! I don't want to split up my family, it would hurt my children and in my job I have witnessed what divorce can do to children.

I'm just at a loss. I don't even cry anymore, I just get angry. Why does he treat me like this?

Mummyoflittledragon, sorry I missed that. Glad I'm not on my own, felt a bit lonely.

You know these episodes are going to occur from time to time so perhaps you could learn some coping skills. He goes off, gets drunk, doesn't communicate and then finally turns up again. It's not great I'll admit but in some ways it's a predictable pattern. You need to find distractions from thinking about it to the extent that it's destroying you. He obviously has no coping skills when he feels stressed so you're probably fuelling each others stress and anxiety and that's a great shame.
Being a single parent struggling for money is a huge stress too especially as benefits are being frozen or stopped altogether and may get even more difficult to obtain after the election depending on who gets into power. Just saying this to highlight that you may be swapping one lot of stress for another.
If he's not home by the time the kids are up don't make a fuss. Don't let them see you in an anxious state. He is a weak man who often allows alcohol to take over to the extent that he is a very selfish man. If you can sort your anxiety levels out somewhat perhaps you could come to a point in your life where you can learn to tolerate his periods of selfishness or perhaps it really is the beginning of the end.

heyday, just out of interest, would you say the same to a bloke if it was the wife and mother who didn't turn up as she had promised but rolled in much later steaming drunk? tell him it was his job to sort out his anxiety levels?

what if both parents did it?- well, they can't, can they? so one of them has to be the default parent and funnily enough.. it's the woman!

He has plenty of reasons he cannot move out. Mum lives too far away.

A 3 hour commute each way should make him think about his actions. His actions have consequences. TBH if he gets to hers at 8:30pm and leaves at 5:30 am he will get far more sleep then you both did on Thursday night.

Don't listen to his bullshit excuses as to why he can't leave. Once again he is prioritising what he wants over you.