Can't take anymore of this

[Weebleswobble1010]

Hi new here,

I've been browsing for a while but I've never posted, however I think I need to get some opinions from people who don't know me or my not so DH.

Back story - Together almost 15 years, married 8. We have two DC aged 10 and 13.

We got together when I was 18 and had our first child quite quick in to the relationship. Over the years we've gone through a lot, depression, our youngest was always in and out of hospital for years with asthma issues. I suffer from anxiety and depression and have done since our eldest was born. Over the years H has been on work nights out, some I've been told about before hand, others he has just gone out and not told me, ignored my calls and messages and rocked up anytime from 3am to 12pm the next day. Due to our sons health I was a SAHM until 2012 and have been working since. His job is in the City and is a hour commute door to door so he is gone from 7.30am until 6.30pm which means the majority of the childcare is left to me which is fine, I work in a School so the hours are perfect and holidays.

The last few years he has got better, I get told in advance and he keeps in touch. There have been a few occasions he has gone out but completely ignores me and has come home at 8am. Those times have been when something has been bothering him, and he uses alcohol to block it.

In general we have a good relationship, plenty of date nights and weekends away just us two. If he isn't at work then he's at home. He never goes anywhere weekends.

Moving on to tonight...

He had a corporate day out with his company, it's not far from where we live, half hour drive give or take with traffic. It started at midday and he said he wouldn't be home too much later than normal, all fine. Spoke to him at 7.30pm he said they were packing up, and waiting for the grand finale etc. Since then he hasn't spoken to me. He wasn't on WhatsApp from 7.30pm until 1.20am. He read the messages ( doubt he's read them properly as he's more than likely steaming drunk ) so I called him at 1.45am, no answer. Sent a few messages to say how cruel he is being and what the hell is wrong with him. He's not been on since 1.20am.

I can't sleep, never can when he is out as my anxiety goes through the roof. I just don't understand why he is doing this, what does he gain? It's impossible to talk to him when he does rock up home as he's so drunk that nothing gets through to him. When I go on work nights out I never do this, I wouldn't dream of it.

The kids are older now and not stupid. If he isn't home by the time we get up for school/work at 6am, I'll be left having to explain it. They'll get upset and not want to go to school, this happened in January. I lost my sh*t and walked out the house, ended up at my doctors and signed off work with stress and anxiety. Granted I was in a bad place with my job at the time, I'd spent weeks telling H how bad things were, he kept telling me to speak to someone but I didn't and then I completely broke down. His reasoning for staying out until 6am that time was because I was giving him stress all day at work, and he had his own work stress going on.

I just don't know what to do anymore. This isn't healthy. He always says sorry and he won't do it again. Ha! I don't want to split up my family, it would hurt my children and in my job I have witnessed what divorce can do to children.

I'm just at a loss. I don't even cry anymore, I just get angry. Why does he treat me like this?

I did say earlier on. The eldest is 13 and youngest is 10.

My best friend divorced her loser of a ex husband a few years ago, I guess seeing her two act out and still have issues now is a big worry. Also my job, I witness this a lot. I also know being in a toxic environment is also not good.

He just messaged me, same old.
"I'm so Sorry, I partied hard. It's only just finished and we are sorting cabs out."

I just said I'm disgusted and have nothing more to say to him except I hope it was worth the sh*t storm that will follow.

Yep, no real reason not to have let you know earlier, if this is the truth. Why doesn't his boss like him? (Although I'd be unimpressed with ppl out partying til 5am then rolling in to work...)

I imagine this is how it always goes. If you want change, you have to change your behaviour. Doing the same old and expecting a different response will never work. The only persons behaviour you can control is your. I imagine your message was exactly the same as it usually is. This is exactly what I was talking about and this is why you need marriage counselling. A much better way would have been to say. "I understand you're sorry. I will see you shortly." Both of you want understanding yet neither is giving it. And unless one of you changes this, regardless of the rights and wrongs, it will always be same shit, different day.

I don't want to sound rude but your husband is taking the piss, because he can. You have lost a whole nights sleep and didn't have the benefit of 'partying hard', that wasn't an option for you as you were looking after your kids. I have no problem with anyone going out and letting their hair down every now and again but he knows that you were supposed to be going out tonight together and wouldn't he just be a bundle of laughs after his all-nighter. Things happen every day at work or home when we could justify a blow-out. I get the one when his mum was diagnosed but the others are taking the piss. I know how you feel, this happened to me and in the end I just split with him. He put everything and everyone else before me and our children and it was just a continual lack of respect that tipped the balance in the end.

I also have anxiety and being awake waiting for him to come home was just adding to it. If your H is making you ill, I think its ridiculous that you had to have counselling (so generously covered by his health insurance) to deal with it. You are not going out and getting blind drunk to get over it, you are being responsible. Do you know whether he is taking any drugs? I know alot of these city types do.

Anyway, the upshot is, you need to start looking out for you and your kids. Stop worrying about why he is doing it, he is not psychologically upset, he is taking the piss. I certainly wouldn't go out for any meal with him tonight and carry on like everything is ok. Whatever you have done up to now hadn't worked, you need to try something else.

I used to work in the City over 10 years ago and Thursday nights were always pretty huge. That said, I was young free and single. And female. I tended to peel off and go home when they headed to a strip club or any club. There was a rule: "if you're out, you're in" meaning you had to be at your desk in time the next day.

Peer pressure is rife. I'm not excusing his behaviour. You have put up with too much for far too long. I think you need to dig deep and find strength. He doesn't sound well. He could be on the way to City burn out.

Is there a new direction he could take? Move. Somewhere away from the City and begin a new life. I did. I have rarely never looked back.

Good luck

It does sound like a combination of City Boy bravado and trying to keep up with people a decade younger and drowning his sorrows.

Apart from the enormous disrespect he's showing you (you do realise there's a big chance he's in a lap dancing club when he's ignoring your texts?) it's very worrying that he abuses alcohol in this way.

If he wants to be part of the family maybe he should do you all a favour and change to a less testosterone driven environment. It sounds like he might get the sack anyway.

He was back at 6am. Steaming drunk. They headed back in to the City and ended up in the Casino.

He outright called himself a disrespectful bast*rd and he said he is selfish, he doesn't mean or plan these things it just happens. I told him I think it's best that he sorts out somewhere to stay for a bit, I said his Mum but he can't commute to work from there as it will be at least 3 hours door to door by transport and he doesn't drive ( I'm the one who drives ). Other than colleagues there is no one else except my parents local. His friends all live back in our hometown where his mum also lives. I've told him we need to have a long discussion later today when the kids aren't around.

For the poster who said counselling was because of him, it wasn't for that reason. My anxieties stem from something that happened when I was 15. It took me until 3 years ago to understand it all.

Why his boss dislikes him, because he has stood up to her and called her out on stuff. She took a instant dislike to that and him.

I know I've put up with it over the years and that's on my head. I explained to him what this is teaching the kids, that it's ok to be disrespectful to women, their mum, your wife. I don't think he ever thought about that. Another thing for him to think about in what his actions are doing long term.

He's gone to work. I have to leave shortly myself also. Thank God it's Friday!

I appreciate all your advice and I will definitely be taking on board plenty of suggestions given.

Looking at it from completely anothet point of view - this wouldn't actually bother me hugely - as long as it doesn't happen too often. And preferably the dc don't see the state he's in when he rolls in.

The reasons why it wouldn't bother me? I don't have anxiety at all. He's done it all through your relationship. He's under a degree of stress. He's always come back in the past and at a fairly predictable time.
I would like one change from him and that would be just a text from him when his plans changed from 'I won't be late' to 'I'm going out with my colleagues' but an open-ended arrangement would be fine - 'I'm going out with my colleagues, not sure when I'll be back, don't wait up for me'.

For me it would certainly not be a ltb. I appreciate that if you suffer from anxiety then it puts a different complexion on things. I would look into more counselling for my anxiety and more help for his issues.

I could have written your post, even down to the age of DP. Mines now an ex, left me 3 months ago with 3 year old DS.

Had an OW lined up, so I imagine thats where he'd been when he wasnt bothering to come home. Obviously he swears blind nothing happened before we seperated!!!!

Drinking/going out always has and still does come first to him. DS will never be his priority. Not saying this will happen to you, just that I know how shit it is.

Whilst im devasted by the split, the one positive is that I dont lay awake at night wondering whether he'll come home, or constantly trying to get in touch with him. Thats someone else's problem now

robinia, it is quite possible not to suffer from anxiety and still find the dh's behaviour unacceptable

I don't suffer from anxiety either but I expect my dh to be an equal, adult, responsible member of our family. Which absolutely means we need to know when he is coming home. It means he is not to risk losing his job through being too drunk to work the next day. It means the children not having to get upset or worried about dad (and if he gets home steaming drunk at 5 and they have to be up at 6, chances are they will notice).

In fact- it means all the things you would expect of the mother of a family. Or would most people find it ok if Mother went awol and rolled in steaming drunk at 5 o'clock in the morning, incapable of functioning the next day?

Why his boss dislikes him, because he has stood up to her and called her out on stuff. She took a instant dislike to that and him.

Hmm, I guess this is the explanation he has given you and I'm sure he sees it this way. However, I'd take it (and his other explanations) with a pinch of salt. His actions prove he's very selfish and doesn't give a shit who knows it. He told you he's a bastard, he just doesn't care! This kind of arrogance would have me questioning his word re the relationship with his boss, as I doubt a simple case of disagreeing and stating your differing opinions (standing up to her?) is enough to warrant unprofessional behaviour on her part.
That's beside the point really - he's selfish and doesn't care enough to change. Good luck moving on, with or without him.

He was drunk at 6am and has now gone to work? No wonder his boss doesn't rate him.

Tbh finding somewhere else for him to stay is not your problem!

He could book into a hotel/airbnb/friend (if my DP had stayed out all night and not spoken to me I wouldn't give a flying fuck if he slept on the streets!)

You are making excuses why he doesn't have to live with the consequences of his shitty behaviour.

He won't change! He doesn't want to. He will make all the right noises as you 'rage' at him later but he will just keep his head down for a bit like a naughty teen then carry on as he wants.

He is a selfish man child that has never grown up.

You are allowing yourself to be treated like this so really it's a case of put up or shut up.

As for him not being able to see his mother as it was too painful or difficult for him, that makes me sick what a selfish man! We all have to do heart breaking shit things sometimes, that's life but sometimes you have to put other people's feelings above your own.

What field is he in OP? Is it banking? How can he go to work feeling like that? Are you sure there isn't a drug problem here too (cocaine perhaps)?

Did you post on here a while back with the same issue?

Personally he sounds very immature and he is taking the piss. The odd night on a weekend wouldn't bother me but if its affecting you and his job, he needs to do something about it. At 21 maybe, not with kids and a wife at home. He needs an ultimatum if it is upsetting you so much. I would be livid if it kept me awake all night worrying. I wouldn't mind per se him having a blow out every now and again, but to not tell you and turn his phone off etc is just wrong.

Be strong and write down your deal breakers today, if he doesn't stick to them or agree, you have your answers.

He is disgusting, truly awful, he sounds about 13 years old, easy lead and selfish to the core; what the hell is he doing until 8am or 12pm after being out the night before, taking drugs probably to stay awake, he must be in some state.

I could not tolerate this happening as much as it does for you OP, you really need to give him an ultimatum.

He is an alcoholic

Unless he accepts that, seeks appropriate help and is dry for an extended period of time he will always prioritise drink over his family

It sounds like he is in the verge of wrecking his livelihood because of it

Are you going to stick around and subject yourself and your dc to the inevitable downward spiral ?

Op, he won't really learn the consequences of his actions until you make things more difficult for him.

He doesn't have anywhere to stay? He'll have to find a cheap hotel/B&B for a while, or see if a friend or work mate will put up with him for a bit.

All the time you are running round trying to make things easier for him, he is totally disregarding your feelings and needs. Think about it.

There are never any consequences for him, he knows that whenever he chooses to pull this shit that you'll take it.

Tell him to try Airbnb, he can get a cheap place there no problem.

I also do not believe him when he says, he does not plan it, it just happens, how many times has it just happened fgs.

Gosh no wonder he does this over and over. You've got all sorts of excuses ready for him so he never sees any consequences

Hope you're saving for the kids therapy!

My dp does this, although to be fair to him not on the same scale. I've always said I don't mind him being out, it's the texts at half 8 'going to get the bus' then radio silence until 2 in the morning that does my nut! So disrespectful. Gave him a massive bollocking last time! You need to decide what you're prepared to put up with and stick with it

I can see I am in a minority of one but he has supported you when you were unwell, he is now struggling with his job and please don't underestimate the pressure when you have a boss who is just waiting to pull everything you do apart. Have you thought he might be the one who needs a bit of support now? He was obviously a young dad, has coped with all the worry of your son and being the strong one for you with your depression and anxiety. He might actually need a bit of TLC.

Yes I know I am going to get lynched by the LTB mob.

Granny - Minority of two actually. I also think he needs understanding as I said upthread and agree with what you're saying.

He isn't going to change. And he most certainly won't if you carry on accepting the situation as it is.

I'm also in the 'he's clearly struggling, doesn't know how to deal with it, and needs a bit of understanding' camp, albeit maybe with a bit more of a side of 'tough love'. I mean, the OP said that he's done this twice in the last four months, and otherwise not since 2015 (when his mum was diagnosed with cancer), so it's not like it's an 'every weekend' thing, or even an 'every other month' thing. It's twice in the last year and a half, and while obv his behaviour isn't acceptable, it's a long way from being a regular thing, and it does seem like he's under considerable stress for various reasons.

If he's not interested in talking about it with the OP that's obviously an issue to resolving it though. I think you need to be fairly blunt, emphasise how he made you feel, and try and get him to see that it's a major relationship problem, and that at the least he needs to be in contact with you and let you know what's going on. And to get him to open up more in general - again, let him know that if he's not telling you about his feelings then that doesn't 'protect you', but just makes you more stressed when he inevitably boils over.

Have you asked him why he didn't let you know what he was doing, btw? He's explained why he stayed out, but not why he ignored your messages.

This doesn't read like a 'LTB' situation to me, but he needs to know that he fucked up, and he needs to do something to stop it happening again.