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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't get him out of my head

38 replies

WildBelle · 19/05/2017 00:32

In November 2015 I met my perfect man through OLD. He messaged me, and as soon as I saw his profile, I just knew he was 'the one'. Never had that feeling before or since. And when I met him it was literally love at first sight, and he ticked all my boxes and even boxes I didn't know I had.

There was one major problem though. He lives 2.5 hours away. He has a dd who he is an amazing dad to, and sees 3 weekends out of 4. So we'd only get to see each other once a month, or sometimes twice a month if we were lucky. It became clear that this situation wasn't going to change until his dd was grown up (she was 6 at the time), which was a long old time to have such a part time deal, and I decided I wanted something more, I've been on my own for a long time already and didn't want to be approaching 50 before we could have a life together. I couldn't move to him either as I have dc who are settled here in the countryside, at excellent schools. He lives in London which is somewhere I wouldn't ever want to live (not that it would be an option anyway as he has a small flat!).

So I ended it after 9 months. Since then, I've had brief relationships, if you could
Even call them that, with 2 people, and have been on a few dates with someone else recently. But I can't get London bloke out of my head! He messages me a lot, a few times a week, and it's always nice to hear from him (just chatty, friendly messages). I even dream about him a lot. I feel like I can't move on and that I'm not being fair to anyone else that I'm seeing, but I know that it's a dead end with London bloke as...well...he lives in London.

I keep having the urge to tell the man I've just started seeing that I'm still in love with my ex and I shouldn't see him anymore. But what's the point? It's not like it can actually go anywhere with the London one. Help!

OP posts:

nina2b · 19/05/2017 00:58

Oh my goodness you should try to make it work with the London guy. Nothing else makes sense. Good luck.

Original poster

WildBelle · 19/05/2017 01:02

But how though?! That's the problem.

OP posts:

nina2b · 19/05/2017 01:04

There has got to be a way. You cannot lose him.

M00nUnit · 19/05/2017 01:47

Why would you not want to live in London? It's the best city in the world! Are you sure you can't move into his flat despite it being small?

scoobydoo1971 · 19/05/2017 01:51

Life is too short for missed opportunity and regret. If you don't want to live in London, why not live just outside. You can still have countryside in Kent, Surrey etc. It is not like you pair have ended on bad terms. I would personally go with that hunch. Don't move in together as it is too soon, esp. with kids involved, but nearer may be a perfect compromise. Far better to see Mr Right infrequently than Mr Wrong often!!!

user1486956786 · 19/05/2017 02:05

Perfectly put above.... better to see Mr Right infrequently.... !!!!!!!!!!

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/05/2017 02:21

Pfft. DH lived 5000 miles away when we met. I eventually moved to be with him after 18 months of seeing each other once every 3 months. I would have waited longer.

It's more complicated with two sets of children. You are clearly both good parents who put your DC first.

Try to find a way.

fiftyplustwo · 19/05/2017 05:40

M00nUnit said: "Why would you not want to live in London? It's the best city in the world!"
I get why. I spoke to some colleagues, and people had even been offered jobs but turned the job offer down over the prospect of having to live in London, they'd rather, well, have their life with less stress and more reasonable working hours (that was what they told).

Maybe you could get the "London guy" to move?

As Scobidoo said: "Far better to see Mr Right infrequently than Mr Wrong often!!!"

ImpetuousBride · 19/05/2017 06:52

If you really live each other there must be some way to compromise, e.g. move away from London, where he can still commute from and see his daughter comfortably. It should be easier/not crazy expensive to find a more spacious place that can accommodate the DC as well.

Jellybean85 · 19/05/2017 06:56

On the plus side you both sounds like great parents putting the needs of your children above your desire for a relationship.
Such a nice change from threads where people want to move their partner in at all costs and are convinced the kids 'love the idea'
Hope you can work something out

SaltySeaDog72 · 19/05/2017 07:00

Aw, WildeBelle there must be a way...

And yes, kudos to you both for putting the needs of dc at the top of the agenda.

Is he seeing other people? Does he know that you are dating?

Does he see dd in the week?

Original poster

WildBelle · 19/05/2017 08:06

Thanks for the replies. No, he hasn't been dating at all since we broke up, which is a year in July. He knows I have been. He has been messaging me regularly ever since we broke up, it's pretty much always him who starts the conversation.

I couldn't move at all for a few reasons. I have a dd with ASD who is doing really well at school and has made friends which is huge for her. I got a HA house here, in a lovely area, because of a DV relationship. We've been here 4 years now which is the longest we've ever been anywhere, before that because we were in private rentals we moved 10 times in as many years. I wouldn't uproot them again, at least not until dd1 has finished school.

Also, my mum lives nearby and although I'm a single mum with not much money, I have a horse which is kept at her house and dd2 has a pony, I am very lucky because my dm covers pretty much all the costs of having them, and dd2 is pony mad so that would be a lot to give up.

He lives in east London so as far as you could get away from here, he's been in his job for over 20 years and it's not the sort of thing he would be able to find down here, so that's an issue. He's only for another 8 years before he can retire, so he's not likely to leave his job.

OP posts:

Original poster

WildBelle · 19/05/2017 08:07

And yes he sees his daughter one night in the week too.

OP posts:

Original poster

WildBelle · 19/05/2017 08:59

Oh, and another thing, dd1 has a good relationship with her dad who lives an hour and half even further away from London, so already quite a long distance from here. I wouldn't move her away from him.

OP posts:

Original poster

WildBelle · 19/05/2017 09:02

And I don't have anything against London, I quite like it, but I grew up in the countryside and don't think I'd ever want to live in a city. The kids have a great life here, they have lots of freedom, it's really nice that we can walk 2 minutes to the park and lots of their friends from school are there, everyone knows each other here and it's very safe. London guy would love to live down here, he much prefers it too, but not possible because of his daughter and his job.

OP posts:

noego · 19/05/2017 09:58

What is wrong with just accepting the relationship just exactly the way it is. Why does it have to change?
LDR's work. I have a couple. We chat online, we chat on the phone, we see each other as often as possible, we don't put pressure on the relationships. We just let it all unfold and do not force anything. We are all happy with this,

MyheartbelongstoG · 19/05/2017 10:02

Find a way op!

You were happy right? Your children won't be in school forever.

Good luck.

Original poster

WildBelle · 19/05/2017 11:00

Yeah we were happy, a couple of minor issues but isn't there always! I've lived on my own for most of the last 12 years, and I just got it in my head that I wanted to find someone to actually share my life with. You know, someone to sit down and eat dinner with, watch the TV together, that kind of thing! Just sick of being on my own and having to do everything by myself, although having said that I think I'm so used to it it would be difficult to adjust to having someone there all the time.

I was/am so in love with him. And I'm usually a bit of a cold fish when it comes to emotions. Sounds illogical but that's kind of another reason I ended it, I felt really vulnerable being with him because i knew how much I could get hurt.

OP posts:

MartinaMartini · 19/05/2017 11:08

Either go for it then and make it work.... Or forget and move on.

People move a lot further and overcome much bigger obstacles.

Bumbumtaloo · 19/05/2017 11:10

My dad and his wife used to live 4,500 miles apart. They both made sacrifices to be together - her moving her and after 7yrs both moving to her home country.

But for the first 2/3 years they communicated via the internet, Skype and any other way possible.

They have now been living together for nearly 17yrs.

It is tough and as I said both of them have made sacrifices - hers moving away from her elderly mother and stepdad. My dad moving away from his daughter - I met my DH 5mths after my dad moved and have gone on to have two DD's and get married.

Original poster

WildBelle · 19/05/2017 11:13

I think we'd be looking at more like another 11 years before a move could happen...that's a bloody long time to only see each other once a month! I wish I could forget and move on but it seems like the more time passes, the clearer it becomes that he was 'the one'.

OP posts:

Original poster

WildBelle · 19/05/2017 11:14

Also he HATES talking on the phone, which was an issue for me, though he's happy to whatsapp all day long. I think talking on the phone is important if you can't see each other, but he really wasn't into chatting.

OP posts:

Bumbumtaloo · 19/05/2017 11:26

My dad hates talking on the phone and Skype etc but he now FaceTime's us and pops his phone/iPad down and goes about his day, that way we have a good 2-3hr chat, maybe that's something to try?

Adora10 · 19/05/2017 12:45

You were only with him 9 months so not very long to actually really get to know the person.

Personally I think you're better moving on; I'd not wait 11 years for a proper relationship at your age.

Adora10 · 19/05/2017 12:48

And if you only saw him once a month you saw each other around 9 times, is that right?

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