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Original poster

Can't get him out of my head

38 replies

WildBelle · 19/05/2017 00:32

In November 2015 I met my perfect man through OLD. He messaged me, and as soon as I saw his profile, I just knew he was 'the one'. Never had that feeling before or since. And when I met him it was literally love at first sight, and he ticked all my boxes and even boxes I didn't know I had.

There was one major problem though. He lives 2.5 hours away. He has a dd who he is an amazing dad to, and sees 3 weekends out of 4. So we'd only get to see each other once a month, or sometimes twice a month if we were lucky. It became clear that this situation wasn't going to change until his dd was grown up (she was 6 at the time), which was a long old time to have such a part time deal, and I decided I wanted something more, I've been on my own for a long time already and didn't want to be approaching 50 before we could have a life together. I couldn't move to him either as I have dc who are settled here in the countryside, at excellent schools. He lives in London which is somewhere I wouldn't ever want to live (not that it would be an option anyway as he has a small flat!).

So I ended it after 9 months. Since then, I've had brief relationships, if you could
Even call them that, with 2 people, and have been on a few dates with someone else recently. But I can't get London bloke out of my head! He messages me a lot, a few times a week, and it's always nice to hear from him (just chatty, friendly messages). I even dream about him a lot. I feel like I can't move on and that I'm not being fair to anyone else that I'm seeing, but I know that it's a dead end with London bloke as...well...he lives in London.

I keep having the urge to tell the man I've just started seeing that I'm still in love with my ex and I shouldn't see him anymore. But what's the point? It's not like it can actually go anywhere with the London one. Help!

OP posts:
LaLegue · 19/05/2017 12:57

What is wrong with just accepting the relationship just exactly the way it is. Why does it have to change?

Exactly what I was going to say. I appreciate that you don't want to uproot your DD but perhaps a compromise could be made where he drops one of the weekends with his DD (3 out of four is quite a bit) but sees her more often on weeknights to compensate, so he can come to you 2 weekends a month and then when your DD is with her Dad you can travel to him for the weekend?

It can't be completely insurmountable, surely? Confused

Huskylover1 · 19/05/2017 13:19

I'd try to make it work. How old are your kids? Will they be finishing school any time soon?

Why can't he change the days he has his DD? He currently has her 3 weekends a month and 1 night in the week, so that's 10 days a month (if my maths is right!). Could he change the days he has her, to 1 weekend a month and 2 week nights every week. That is still 10 days total, but leaves him free to see you 3 weekends a month. You also have 6-7 weeks holidays a year, to be together. And of course you can visit him. It's workable. More so, when the kids have met each other.

CalmItKermitt · 19/05/2017 13:25

I'd move on. Life's too short.

jeaux90 · 19/05/2017 13:25

I think you re-visit the relationship with an open mind. Start seeing each other again see if you really do love him. Things change, circumstances change.

I would also advise you to try and think outside the social norms.

I'm a single parent too, I met someone a year ago but for similar reasons we can't be together. I see him once a week, he stays over and we take the odd trip together but it's wonderful. I would rather have a slice of that than the alternative.

I get to focus on my kid and career the rest of time. I love the way it is.

HotNatured · 19/05/2017 13:41

It all sounds too difficult. I would move on. Put a stop to the casual contact though as it's encumbering you from doing so.

Seeing someone once a month is pointless.

lottieandmia · 19/05/2017 13:43

I think if you don't find a way to make it work you'll regret it.

Original poster
WildBelle · 19/05/2017 14:43

Thanks for the replies - a bit of a split in opinions! His dd is 7 and mine are nearly 13 and nearly 7. I think I'll have to stay here until dd1 finishes college at 18, but then I'll have the dilemma of moving dd2 away from this area and the excellent school (top 10 in the U.K.), which seems a bit unfair. I hope that dd1 will go to uni but with her ASD it's really hard to know, she generally doesn't even want to leave her bedroom at the moment! I know it's a long way off so hard to predict.

Yes I probably did only see him about 10 times, but when he came down usually it was for a long weekend (3/4 nights), and then he was here for a week over Easter.

OP posts:
Original poster
WildBelle · 19/05/2017 14:45

I don't think he'd hear of seeing his dd any less. He is completely devoted to her.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 19/05/2017 15:02

Nothing has changed since you ended it so I'd stick to that decision if I was you OP; you might be romanticising it more because you've not met anyone decent yet, but you will!

ButtonMushroomEx · 19/05/2017 15:08

But why couldn't he come with his DD after you've established your relationship a bit more op?

And could you take yours up to London for the occasional weekend?

ButtonMushroomEx · 19/05/2017 15:08

By come, I don't mean live, of course, I mean visit!!

LaLegue · 19/05/2017 15:14

I'm not suggesting he sees her less, rather that he re-jigs his time.

WannaBe · 19/05/2017 15:24

OP, a relationship is more than just having someone who is there all the time but I know from personal experience the wanting someone to be there iyswim. However, if you actually love each other then ask yourself, is never seeing him again really preferable to seeing him once a month and more if you introduce your children?

I have been with my DP for four years now, and in the beginning I made it very clear that I was unable to move due to maintaining a relationship with my DS and his dad who lives just down the road and who he at the time had a 50/50 contact with. DP too works in a very niche job, think only two or three companies in the country who does what he does, and so as such does not have transferrable skills although he has applied for other jobs in the area but been unsuccessful. As such, us moving in together in the foreseeable future is not something we can contemplate, although it is something we talk about often, and if an opportunity comes up for him then we will take it.

I agree absolutely that love does not conquer all in the short term, and that sometimes there just isn't a way to have the exact relationship you want when you want. However, if you do love each other then it's still possible to have a relationship and expand that relationship as time goes on. My DS still has another four years at school and I obviously wouldn't move him at this point. But once he leaves school then the world is mine.

And I will add into this equation that I have recently been diagnosed with a serious illness and so more than ever I wish that we lived together or at least closer. And I'll admit that I have said to him that he should find someone who is less complicated and doesn't live three hours away, but that's not what he wants., and truth be told it would break my heart if he did.

If you genuinely love this guy then you've lost nothing by trying to make it work by going in with eyes open to the future. Otherwise I'd say that you didn't really love him, that it was infatuation and you should cut all contact and move on.

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