I am about to be 'ghosted'... AGAIN.

[user1495111236]

I am so infuriated and over this OLD rubbish. This is the third time this has happened to me.

I have been seeing this latest man for little over a month, he seemed lovely and we had chemistry from the off. He texted me daily wishing me a good day, asking how I have been, what I am up to. General chit chat and he has been very complimentary towards me. We've been on five dates so far, all quite intense and we have shared some intimate details about our lives. No sex as yet because I said I wasn't happy to do it until I was in an exclusive relationship, to which he replied that was fine and he wasn't looking to sleep with anyone else anyway.

I haven't seen him now in over 2 weeks as he has been busy with work and his daughter, which is perfectly reasonable. However, in the last week he has stopped texting me almost completely and we will now exchange maybe 2-3 messages a day. Some days none at all. This leads me to believe that he is gearing up to 'ghost' or end things and may not be as busy as he is suggesting. He will also leave my messages unread on WhatsApp but be online checking his POF account. I realise I sound a little neurotic but I am honestly sick of these time wasters. As far as I am concerned, If he had a vested interest in me he would be replying to my messages rather than going on POF to see what else is out there.

We have arranged to go out for the day next Monday but I am honestly thinking about cancelling. I don't think I am cut out for modern dating and the 'multiple dates a week' culture. I just want to meet somebody decent!

We had a brief conversation last night after he finished work, with him still being very nice and wishing me a good sleep. He does still seem keen to meet next Monday for our day date.

Perhaps I am over thinking this. I just don't know. I've been messed around so much in the past so maybe I am seeing the slow down of texting as a bad sign when it isn't necessarily as some posters have pointed out?

I just can't get my head around why you would scope out POF for hours rather than reply to the message of someone you are supposedly interested in. Unless you aren't really so interested after all.

I think you just sound a bit loopy and high strung. He hasn't actually done anything wrong, he's either interested in you as much as anyone is interested in anyone they don't know, or he isn't, if you want a proposal and marriage and kids withing a couple of months POF is definitely not the right website.

If you enjoyed his company why sabotage it by being so needy? Why can't you enjoy the couple of texts a day and see how things go.

If I were you - I would just ghost him now. Sorry to be brutal - it sounds like you really like him and you don't want to let go. But he doesn't sound keen. Maybe if you play it cool (old style dating) you might see how things pan out.

I also noted your comment about having "even stayed at his house". Obviously to you, that's a big deal - if he wants you to stay over, he likes you, so why would he care about speaking to other women?

But some people, staying at someone's house is a really casual thing - it's convenient, or just nice. It's not always meaningful. I've had an OLD stay over (no sex) on the first date. We never made it to a second date - actually partly because he stayed over and said it was moving too fast! Whilst I was like "it was just 3am after chatting and you were really tired".

Try not to read too much into anything in the early days.

That said everyone has the right to set their own rules. If you want to say "OLD can drive me mad, it's been 5 dates now, so I would like you to hide your profile and stop checking whilst we see where this goes" then that's fine.

I think you will get a better picture if you keep the proposed day out next Monday firmly on. If he makes an excuse you will know your answer then, if you meet and it goes well you may have been worrying about nothing. Yes, in the old days relationships were much easier, anyone who got to three dates generally wanted a relationship and as we all dated people somewhere in our circle of friends or colleagues behaving properly was essential.

just can't get my head around why you would scope out POF for hours rather than reply to the message of someone you are supposedly interested in. Unless you aren't really so interested after all.

It's not just you, I'd find this weird/confusing and annoying too. I think because it signals the opposite to what he's been saying/showing you in person.

As a contrast, when I met my BF on an online dating site, after a short time (less than a month) we both chatted about cancelling our membership (it was subscription based)/deactivating our profiles as neither of us wanted to pay for another month. In fact, he'd paid one month's subscription just to be able to message me and I'd had to do the same to reply to him. This was quite a contrast to the other guy who was clearly checking out the pool of women, messaging them and so on. It felt different to me and I didn't feel suspicious.

It's not just you, I'd find this weird/confusing and annoying too. I think because it signals the opposite to what he's been saying/showing you in person.

This is exactly what the issue is. I'm not looking for a proposal or kids or for somebody to declare their undying love for me after a month, as some posters seem to assume. I just want clarity on exactly where I stand. It's frustrating and irritating to hear one thing, yet see that person doing another.

Also I haven't come across as needy to him at all - if anything I've acted like I am not even bothered.

I'm conflicted as to whether or not to just call things off completely or to see what happens on Monday.

OP isn't loopy, OLD is.

If you want to see him again then keep the date. Its that simple.
Don't get into game playing, just be yourself.

So if you've acted like you're not even bothered, why wouldn't he still be talking to other potentials?

This is exactly what the issue is. I'm not looking for a proposal or kids or for somebody to declare their undying love for me after a month, as some posters seem to assume

I don't think anyone is assuming that.

I hate to say it, but this is something you have to learn to take on your stride with OLD. People do not behave as well online. They may be interested, but still keeping their eye on what else is out there. They may be talking to other people. Lots of people aren't honest about their intentions.

I went on a date with a guy last year. We had been talking on and off for a year and a half, but i had knocked him back previously because ge was recently out of a relationship. We had a good online friendship and eventually agreed to go for a drink. Great date, lots of chemistry, lots of texting, second date arranged. Then complete radio silence. I was a bit disappointed and pretty confused but i had to not take it personally and just move on. I still see him online and wonder what it was all about, but not enough to ask him.

Old has taught me not to invest too much from the word go. Go out, enjoy yourself. Don't have unrealistic expectations and walk away when you see behaviours you don't like because they're either losing interest or if they behave that way when they should be wooing you, they'll make a really shit partner.

It's shit sometimes, but the more ways you find to protect yourself against it, the less shit it will feel. And you might have some really good times along the way.

Yes, in the old days relationships were much easier, anyone who got to three dates generally wanted a relationship and as we all dated people somewhere in our circle of friends or colleagues behaving properly was essential

This time never existed. People have been playing each other since the beginning of the world. Equally, people have been dating someone for a month and deciding they're not as keen as they were initially.

The OP is over-thinking the whole thing.

You can bin him off you know?! You don't have to wait to be dumped.

Hi,

I completely understand your frustration and agree with your comments about trying to interpret a mans actions versus his words. OLD is a complete headfuck and we give waaaay to much energy to trying to figure it all out.

But before you throw in the towel, I'm going to play devils advocate to help you consider the following:

He might be having a busier than usual week at work and with kids.

He hasn't got the time/headspace to give you full attention via text/WhatsApp so sending brief replies because you are seeing each other Monday.

He's receiving messages via POF so curious to see who (human nature, not necessarily still scouting) and being polite and saying "thanks but no thanks I've met somebody" instead of ignoring people.

I'm assuming you're busy this weekend so why not try and give yourself a break from social media and focus on something else?

When you see him Monday, try and be casual about him being on POF and WhatsApp taking ages to reply etc....

If I'm talking a load of bollocks and he does turn out to be player/waste of space/ghosts you then,

Look in the mirror and say out loud:

"He's an arse, I'm amazing and it's his loss - NEXT.

GOODLUCK

Sounds to me like someone who wanted to play the field and get lots of easy sex. He feels he's been patient enough, made enough effort, 5 dates and you still won't put out until you have a commitment to be exclusive.....so he's moved on. He senses you want something more serious than he does. Look on the bright side, if you had slept with him he probably would have ditched you eventually anyway. If not then he'd have been happy to wait.

I really played hard ball with old, binning anyone that I felt did not act with integrity, honesty and respect. I have zero interest in bullshit game playing

Bingo! If they can't act like a decent human being while they're trying to impress you, imagine how shit they'll be when they've settled into complacency.