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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am about to be 'ghosted'... AGAIN.

68 replies

user1495111236 · 18/05/2017 13:55

I am so infuriated and over this OLD rubbish. This is the third time this has happened to me.

I have been seeing this latest man for little over a month, he seemed lovely and we had chemistry from the off. He texted me daily wishing me a good day, asking how I have been, what I am up to. General chit chat and he has been very complimentary towards me. We've been on five dates so far, all quite intense and we have shared some intimate details about our lives. No sex as yet because I said I wasn't happy to do it until I was in an exclusive relationship, to which he replied that was fine and he wasn't looking to sleep with anyone else anyway.

I haven't seen him now in over 2 weeks as he has been busy with work and his daughter, which is perfectly reasonable. However, in the last week he has stopped texting me almost completely and we will now exchange maybe 2-3 messages a day. Some days none at all. This leads me to believe that he is gearing up to 'ghost' or end things and may not be as busy as he is suggesting. He will also leave my messages unread on WhatsApp but be online checking his POF account. I realise I sound a little neurotic but I am honestly sick of these time wasters. As far as I am concerned, If he had a vested interest in me he would be replying to my messages rather than going on POF to see what else is out there.

We have arranged to go out for the day next Monday but I am honestly thinking about cancelling. I don't think I am cut out for modern dating and the 'multiple dates a week' culture. I just want to meet somebody decent!

OP posts:

LightYears · 18/05/2017 20:14

I know how you feel OP. There's websites out there to cater for all tastes, so why do these people make out they are looking for a long term relationship when they actually seem to want the opposite, I just don't get it either.
I'm not cut out for this OLD either. In fact I've just cancelled my membership of the site I'm on, had enough.

littlefurrysheep · 18/05/2017 20:16

pay him no heed. delete delete delete. you will meet a good one and you will no because it will be easy

ocelot7 · 18/05/2017 20:19

He's probably just taking it slowly - which is great and to be encouraged - &/or got nothing much to say

Looking back I see how OLD makes us all bonkers re communication - I was just the same - please try to chill. Its the uncertainty of it all so an hour or 2's silence is interpreted as a loss of interest but its not necessarily anything (apart from overthinking).

Now I'm in a relationship we rarely message during the day at all unless there is something needs to be discussed and just catch up in the evening. But you are not in a relationship yet so that level of comms with a near stranger is hard to maintain

Original poster

user1495111236 · 18/05/2017 20:45

ocelot7 It's fine if he's busy, taking it slowly or has nothing to say. All perfectly understandable. What I don't understand is not replying to my messages for hours on end (we are talking about 6,7,8 hours - sometimes not at all until the next day)... yet he is accessing POF. He is online on POF more than he is messaging me!

That doesn't really smack of someone just wanting to take things slowly...

OP posts:

ocelot7 · 18/05/2017 20:52

Eventually you get past being hung up on constant comms & seeing them online etc when yr doing OLD.
Fretting doesn't make people communicate better but being less invested in any man till he's proved himself worth it is what really works best. The time you've known him is too short to know if he's worth your mental energy - probably not

Jimcanna · 18/05/2017 21:37

It just sucks that I have effectively wasted a month of my life

You haven't though. You've spent a bit of time getting to know someone and presumably had a nice time. That's not time wasted.

Don't call him and ask him what's going on. A) it's really pushy after 4 dates and B) it's taking away all of your control. You don't like the way he's behaving, knock it on the head.

One of the things i've learned from old is that you need very thick skin.

Original poster

user1495111236 · 18/05/2017 21:49

I have spent time getting to know someone under the pretence that they were interested in a relationship, which they clearly are not interested in with me. Therefore I do feel bitter to have wasted my time.

You are right Jimcanna I do need to develop a thicker skin, I think I am going to give this OLD thing a miss for a while.

I'm not sure whether I am going to confront him or just leave it and stop communication with him completely. I keep going between the two.

OP posts:

Jimcanna · 18/05/2017 21:59

Maybe it wasn't a pretence though. Maybe he just changed his mind. People do.

Seriously mate, drop it. You'll have much more self respect in the long run. He's not behaving in a way that you like. Your choices are to tell him and ask him to do things differently or think "fuck this, he's not for me" and walk away". At 4 dates in, i'd go for the second option.

I've been in your shoes, it is hurtful and humiliating. But you learn from it and move on. And each time you walk away from something that isn't right for you instead of dragging it ouf and hoping they'll be the good guy, you feel better about yourself.

Lower your expectations, but not your standards.

Original poster

user1495111236 · 18/05/2017 22:05

Yes people do change their minds, and that is perfectly acceptable, but any decent human being would let the person they are dating know that. Why is he still trying to arrange to go on dates with me? I just hate the lies and deceit.

OP posts:

Jimcanna · 18/05/2017 22:09

You're right. A decent person would. Even a really busy decent person.

Don't tie yourself up in knots trying to figure it out. Don't try to get answers from him. Decide he isn't right for you and walk.

There are many times i wish i'd taken my own advice. I do now.

Original poster

user1495111236 · 19/05/2017 08:38

It's just so difficult because I am still so new to this whole online dating thing. I don't know what the etiquette is, how concerned I should be about people multi-dating, when to stop looking for other people online. It's a minefield!

I guess I can only go by my own standards which is that after 5 dates and talking for over a month, I believe that if you were serious about that person you would concentrate on them solely rather than looking for someone better.

OP posts:

ocelot7 · 19/05/2017 08:56

But no-one is serious after 5 dates/1 month! - even if it is going to turn into something in time, its just too early days.

5 weeks after meeting my DP I went away on a pre-planned work trip for a month overseas. With the time difference etc we messaged when we could and spoke by phone sometimes. We were very much still getting to know each other & I didn't know which way it would go - including his ex asking to meet up while I was away - we just had to wait and see. A year later we are still getting to know each other really.

I have never dated more than one person at a time and am not sure how you deal with it. I didn't go online when I was away to see if he was still there so i don't actually know. I had disappeared so I didn't think I had a right to say he couldn't anyway!

Original poster

user1495111236 · 19/05/2017 09:00

That's fair enough and I agree that after 1 month you don't really know where it is going to go. However, surely after a month of communication and intimate dates (I have even stayed over at his house), you would prioritise that person over other women on POF?

I would rather message him and have a conversation for instance, than go on POF to check out who else is out there...

OP posts:

ocelot7 · 19/05/2017 09:06

I get it. I HATED OLD when I was doing it - the 'sweetshop' mentality & the sheer time taken to read 100 profiles,start 7 messaging threads to have 2 unsatisfactory dates :( - but there just doesn't seem to be an alternative...
I'm very grateful to not have to be out there now... But it only takes one :) though it can take a long time to find them :(

RestlessTravellerTheSequel · 19/05/2017 09:06

I think you are too hung up on finding a relationship than dating. The first few months should be all butterflies, flirting, dates and getting to k ow each other. You seem to see that as a 'waste of time' preferring to bypass it all and jump into something serious. When I was OLD people with that attitude would make me want to run a mile.

Mintychoc1 · 19/05/2017 09:17

Surely the whole point of dating is to find a relationship!! Does anyone seriously think it's fun to go out on dates with a succession of people you don't end up getting on with, just for the experience?

OP is totally in the right here. She met someone, they clicked immediately, it all looked very promising and then suddenly he's backed off. Of course it's disappointing, and all the more infuriating for the fact that he hasn't bothered to actually tell her he's losing interest - just letting her find out by inference. Rude and nasty.

RestlessTravellerTheSequel · 19/05/2017 09:19

I did it for a year and had an absolute ball!

What I'm saying is that for some people coming over a bit desperate is a complete turn off.

Mintychoc1 · 19/05/2017 09:21

And I disagree that no one is serious after 5 dates. Sure, they're not serious about the relationship in terms of its importance in their life. But they can be serious about giving this person a go, rather than casually seeing other people at the same time.

Mintychoc1 · 19/05/2017 09:23

I would say that the majority of people doing OLD want a relationship, one relationship, that will be lasting and fulfilling. Not a load of random dates.

NancyWake · 19/05/2017 09:23

Don't call him you'll just embarrass yourself.

OLD is no different to real life. There are 100s of men in real life who will say one thing and do another, don't know what age you are but I'm not sure how you've got to adulthood without knowing this.

Having said that, it's perfectly normal to date someone for a month and decide over the course of that time that they're not right, or think something's going well and then change your mind.

I think you need to wise up massively and not take everything a man says at face value.

Movingin2017 · 19/05/2017 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheStoic · 19/05/2017 09:30

Please don't text him.

If he's making you feel bad, he's not for you. It doesn't matter why he's doing what he's doing.

Don't cancel, just play it cool and see what he does/says in the next few days.

ocelot7 · 19/05/2017 09:43

Minty I was always serious about finding a relationship - though it took me 5 years! During which I had 3 short relationships, 1 or 2 with high hopes....But its not helpful to oneself to be serious about someone so quickly - you just don't know them well enough. And you get too invested & end up hurt. Voice of bitter experience here

And people can be their best self for much longer than that - you need to see them when they have stopped performing...Even the stories of never-ending love arising from a ONS don't disprove that - they are the very lucky exception

Meanwhile, after all our musings, if OP still hasn't heard from him I guess she isn't going to. Best to just let it go - though that takes practice! I do understand the urge to call him on it but it doesn't do any good - doesn't change anything & you probably end up regretting showing you cared that much...

Ellisandra · 19/05/2017 09:45

Being quite intense then petering out isn't what I understand by ghosting though.

It's hurtful, but it's just natural - you get all excited, have loads to talk about, you're really interested... and then, 9/10 times you run out of steam.

You're not even actively winding down and at first you don't notice. The first morning when you don't grab your phone to be the first to say hi - you don't think "actually, I'm not so keen now" - you just get distracted by something else.

Ghosting is an abrupt cessation from nowhere.

Try to have that thicker skin, don't over invest with deep and meaningful early on, and accept that most communication slows down, but when it slows to a certain low level then you're right - it's not going anywhere. It's not just an OLD thing.

Ellisandra · 19/05/2017 09:48

As for the staying chatting to others online... I don't personally do it as I'm a bit all or nothing. It's not that I think it's wrong to multidate, but when I'm excited about person A, then B and C just seem dull. But I think that's not always a good thing!

If you've been OLD for a while, you get so used to the initial flush of loads-to-say interest, and you know that you can't rely on it - in yourself, or in the other person.

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