Calling those of you who are siblings to cast your minds back please ...

[inanidealworld]

What things did your mums do or say to make you feel special? I think my DS (4) feels a bit usurped/threatened since his baby brother came along given that the amount of attention he gets has naturally reduced. We do try hard to give him quality time and reinforce daily how much we love him and how special he is but you can tell by some of his behaviour that he thinks his DB is a bit of a thorn in his side. Being an only child I can only guess at the insecurity he may be feeling. I want to make sure he knows without a doubt that they are both v. special. So what has stuck with you?

I think special names can help, like only call him 'my precious' and never call your other son that particular nickname

Message withdrawn

Makes me think of Gollum, Lucyj!
Time alone with each parent v important IMo. So special cuddles with Mummy when baby asleep (I'm assuming you are bfing so can't leave baby yet, if not then take him out and leave baby with Dad); football in park with Dad. Big boy activities - the baby can't do this but you can cos you are a big boy (e.g.cinema)

cross posted pruni

I remember being allowed to sit on mum's knee because my brother was too big.

oh and the bliss of having quality time with my dad going to Sainsburys or driving to clubs my sister didn't go to.

Sounds like time on your own is the most remembered theme.

you're right - I think time-without-sibling is hugely important to them feeling appreciated as a person in their own right rtaher than as part of a unit called 'the kids' or 'the boys'.

Have only read OP
I'm one of 4. My bro was born when he was 3, so have minimal memories of being an only one.
I don't particualrly remember one-on-one time either ... apart from the fact that my dad for years would read to me every night (I don't think he ever did this with any of the others. The books were an odd mix (Watership Down; An Introduction to Stress and Strain in Materials). I have to say, I adored this, & wonder if it's one of the reasons I am closest to my dad now (closer than any of my siblings too)
My stronger memories are of lots of racous family times(4 kids in a camper van style), looking after my (much adored) younger siblings, esp my little sister. I remember walking up & down with her on the landing as a very little baby and being able to get her to sleep when my parents couldn't. I don't think I've ever felt insecure about them ... but then I am Superior Big Sister - No 2 sibling would tell you a different story
Bugger. All my 'no, honest, 2's enough for me ' lines aren't feeling very strong now ... need more children...

A bit like Funnypeculiar - I am one of 3 and don't remember any time with one or other parents on my own being made to feel special.
What I do remember is the fun I had with my brothers and the strength of those relationships. I felt special because I had a big brother who I thought was really cool, and also because I was a big sister (and the only one who could calm down my little brother when he had tantrums [proud emoticon]). Once siblings come into the picture the child's experience of family life is completely different - not better or worse, just very different.

I would perhaps focus on building up how good he is with his sibling (even if he is not ) and how lucky the baby is to have a big brother like him.

I hated my dsis when she was born, and this being the clueless sixties and all that, I don't recall my parents doing anything much to make me feel special. I do remember hating being left with my kind but completely clueless teen cousin babysitter, and frantic to see mum again.
So I felt special empathy with ds when dd was born - he'd had four years of us to himself.
Stuff that helped: telling him how much dd loved him already (she did respond to him very enthusiastically which really shored this assertion up), organising special little treat outings with dh and then with me once I felt a bit better, briefing people to make as much fuss of him as of dd when they visited for the first time, etc.
PS Dsis and I are really close now, despite a less than harmonious relationship in childhood

Oh, and agree with Kathy on praising the positive - clearly my parents must have done this, as I grew up with a belief that I was 'Good With Younger Children' ... and we also did it LOTS with ds, who has taken dd's arrival very well. Apart from that time with the flan dish.

FioFio,not a bad thing. Maybe you never felt insecure enough to be jealous because of you were always comfortable in the knowledge that you were both loved just as much.
I'm not trying to do 'psycho-parenting' (iykwim) or anything just don't want to miss doing something painfully obvious.
Funnypeculiar, those sound like beautiful memories.

My cousin was an amiable flake Fio who stuck me in the sink with the dishes^ to bath me. Apparently it took two hours to peel me off mum's leg when they finally got home...

Oh sorry FioFio I misinterpreted what you said.

Don't know if this helps but we told our children that they were individually special to us. This came about after frequent cries of " you always take her side" or you like him more than me"

I came up with a sort of mantra that my now grown up children can recite even today. (I know cos I've just asked one of them)

My eldest DD was told
"You are special because you are our first born child"

My second child was told
"You are special because you are our only son"

And my third child, a girl, was told
You are special because you are our last baby"

DH had had the snip so we knew this.

I am no.3 of 4 daughters (six years between us) and my mum has always made it clear that there is NO WAY she loves anybody more than the others. We have grown up believing it is not possible to favour one child over another (I get shocked when I hear of fave children).

I never got any time on my own with my parents either in fact my little sis was born 15 months after me so my gran came and looked after me.

Flower, I was also thinking of telling DS1 that he is special because he is our first born and DS2 that he is special because he is our last baby.

I hated having siblings and wanted to be an only child for years. I had the reputation of being a nightmare child - all my aunts and uncles still talk about it. I was the eldest child and grandchild and was spoilt rotten by my family and I expect I had my nose put out of joint when siblings and cousins came along.

I cannot remember anything to make me special, and it's only been since I have had children, that I have heard anything positive about my childhood from my mum.

When my 1st daughter was born, I wrote a letter to her letting her know how I feel about being a mum, what her birth was like and did the same when she reached the age of 1 and 2. I haven't done the same for my 2nd but will have to do it soon.

I took my eldest out on her own the other day and that was nice. I always give her a cuddle and tell her that I love her although she does exasperate me sometimes - part and parcel of being a toddler, I expect.

like pruni said. But I'm one of 5 so 1:1 time with mum or dad was in short supply.

I think most children over the age of 2 go through a period of adjustment when a new baby is born though - he'll get over it.

I think there has been lots of great advice on here. I haven't any 'do this' type of advice but a suggestion for something to avoid doing. Don't force your eldest to play with his sibling. My mother was constantly on at me to play with my younger sister when all I wanted to do was read a book for example. I always resented this and the more she tried to push us together the more I would resent it; you can't assume your children want to be best buddies all the time.