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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Difficult daughter

74 replies

user1493107576 · 16/05/2017 20:16

I have a very difficult relationship with my daughter . This has been going on for some time and has now come to a head because she is getting married soon and she is refusing to invite my sister at the wedding. My sister and I had not talked for a while due to a family rift but we have recently made contact again and I implored my daughter to let her come to the wedding but to no avail.
She knows she is upsetting me but is not prepared to grant me that request so that day will be tinged with sadness for me and also I cannot accept such an intransigeant attitude.
My daughter is also jealous of her brother who is older than her ; I suppose I can go through the wedding day and pretend everything is ok to keep up front but what after that ? We do not have the close relationship I would have liked , I have been to counselling and been advised to try and communicate more which I try but my daughter always ends up shouting at me
So I don t know what to do any more , should I just accept that I will never have a good relationship with my daughter ? Please advise

OP posts:

Tenshidarkangel · 17/05/2017 10:01

"My mother is forcing me to invite my Aunt to my wedding after a family rift which has gone on for several years. Due to this I'm not close to her and don't really want her there. It's frustrating me.
AIBU? "

How would you answer it if the post was reversed?

Nonibaloni · 17/05/2017 10:05

leda I was coming on to say I thought it could be my mother. A few details changed, it's a cousin I'm jealous of not a brother.

My mum had counselling too when I went NC. Apparently they counsellor agreed that I was being outrageous and she was an abused women (by me).

Think the problem is not accepting your daughter as an adult in her own right. Don't think OP will even be reading this however.

Margo3791 · 17/05/2017 11:10

Your daughter is right not to invite your sister for whatever reasons she might have. It's her wedding and she deserves to be surrounded only by the people she likes and loves. You should respect that and try to understand where she's coming from rather than make predictions about how you are going to feel about the wedding.

I don't have a great relationship with my mother either and I know it's mainly because she doesn't see me as I really am or never truly respected my feelings and the way I am.

It's not so much about communicating with your daughter, it's about understanding her, her difficulties, who she really is, even when she's not perfect.

I communicate with my mum quite a lot but I still don't consider the relationship good. Communicating a lot of the time means listening to her telling me about herself, how great she looks for her age, the cosmetics she buys, the clothes she wears... totally superficial and empty communication but hey, we don't chose our parents.

I feel for your daughter.

StillWandering · 17/05/2017 11:14

It's your daughters wedding day who she invites is her decision on her wedding day she could equally have a quick registry office do with 2 witnesses only and it'd be perfectly reasonable for her to do on her wedding day.

You need to step back from this and let her arrange her wedding the way she wants or else the day will be tinged with the memory of your wants on her day.

Clutterbugsmum · 17/05/2017 11:53

I'm going out on a limb here and guess the OP won't be back as they didn't like the answers.

But yes OP you are being a brat, if you want to make with your sister then get of your arse and do it. Do not use your daughter wedding.

Yoshimistill · 17/05/2017 11:56

The circumstances don't match mine, but I wonder how many of us opened the thread wondering if it was going to be about us?!

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 17/05/2017 13:48

user1493107576
In the kindest possible way, (if you are still reading this) please realize that your daughter may be reacting to your behavior. I know you would probably not consider your behavior in a million years, but it might be necessary for your relationship to evolve to the next step now that she is an adult.

You have labeled her as difficult. Do you think this absolves you of your behavior in the dynamic? She can just as easily (and rightly so) say that she has a difficult mother. With these labels-that sets the foundation for any and all interactions. Not a good place to start is it? Banish the labels for a start - it is just disrespectful. She may end up yelling at you because you disrespect her so much. That is a consequence of your behavior.

Sometime you just have to take 'no' for an answer like the rest of us grown ups do without having a name calling, blame and shame tissy fit.

Your sister needs to realize that if there is a rift then she should not expect to get the traditional invites.

Having a superficial patch for the event is more shallow insincerity than you should tolerate. At least your intelligent, awesome, beautiful daughter has a good head on her shoulders and won't be victimized by this manipulation from either you or her aunt. for your daughter.

ITooHaveBeenThere · 17/05/2017 16:42

My mum had counselling too when I went NC. Apparently they counsellor agreed that I was being outrageous and she was an abused women (by me).

Whereas, apparently, my mother's GP told her counselling wouldn't help her situation because I was the one with the problem. There was "nothing wrong with" her...

Oh the similarities..!

Offred · 17/05/2017 17:19

My parents are totally delusional and would never, ever even admit there IS a problem, except indirectly when they are trying to hoover me or blame me. They would never admit or even see that there is any issue with them and are quite smug about their wonderful long abusive marriage and their successful miserable and anxious children.

Offred · 17/05/2017 17:21

My mum made my wedding all about her too, including full on hysterical crying fit outside the venue. And my dad did too in his own way, issuing diktats about how we weren't having any of 'his' money (didn't want it anyway and weren't going to ask) but that we had to have a big wedding or everyone would see him as cheap.

Offred · 17/05/2017 17:22

*hysterical crying re us going for a meal with our friends and my dad not wanting to go so she couldn't either btw, all planned for months, not anything to do with me.

AppleOfMyEye10 · 17/05/2017 18:03

You sound toxic. Just by your one post. You don't have a good relationship with your own child and yet the entire post is about how she's not bowing down to you??
I suspect she will somewhere down the line go NC with you. And deservedly.

Lampshadelegs · 17/05/2017 19:01

It's her wedding just leave her to it.
When she has her own children she will hopefully realise all that you've done for her.

Offred · 17/05/2017 20:51

Or to her, as I suspect may be more apt TBH.

ITooHaveBeenThere · 17/05/2017 20:53

Or to her, as I suspect may be more apt TBH

Yes.

sunshinesupermum · 17/05/2017 20:56

Not surprised the OP has run away to hide. Although the posts are truthful some are pretty unkind.

msgrinch · 17/05/2017 21:01

One of you is difficult OP... It isn't your daughter.

MonkeyBusinessxoxo · 17/05/2017 21:04

It's her wedding not yours so get over yourself

It doesn't matter if you don't like the fact that your sister isn't there or you're unhappy because of how she is with her brother. It's her wedding. Her relationship with her brother. Stick your nose out

MonkeyBusinessxoxo · 17/05/2017 21:09

Oh and don't wine because you don't get the answer you wanted. You're being selfish, she isn't. Sorry everyone else can see it and you can't.

And yes you probably won't have a relationship with your daughter because so far you've only shown that you're the problem and she's totally in the right

SeaEagleFeather · 17/05/2017 21:28

I think that the mob is out in force tonight :o

CookieDoughKid · 17/05/2017 22:29

Can't see she has posted b4 or she had named changed. Troll maybe?

Charlie97 · 18/05/2017 07:23

I think this is a troll!

I've been caught again!

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 18/05/2017 07:25

Not your wedding. Back off.

Huldra · 18/05/2017 07:47

Sounds a little Trollish or getting soundbites for an article.

Still, don't use her wedding to fix your relationship with your sister.

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