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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Difficult daughter

74 replies

user1493107576 · 16/05/2017 20:16

I have a very difficult relationship with my daughter . This has been going on for some time and has now come to a head because she is getting married soon and she is refusing to invite my sister at the wedding. My sister and I had not talked for a while due to a family rift but we have recently made contact again and I implored my daughter to let her come to the wedding but to no avail.
She knows she is upsetting me but is not prepared to grant me that request so that day will be tinged with sadness for me and also I cannot accept such an intransigeant attitude.
My daughter is also jealous of her brother who is older than her ; I suppose I can go through the wedding day and pretend everything is ok to keep up front but what after that ? We do not have the close relationship I would have liked , I have been to counselling and been advised to try and communicate more which I try but my daughter always ends up shouting at me
So I don t know what to do any more , should I just accept that I will never have a good relationship with my daughter ? Please advise

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/05/2017 21:14

The responses are apparently not what you wanted to hear, but don't you think you should reflect on that? You claim your daughter is inflexible and stubborn, but you don't sound very flexible either. You had a falling out with your sister and have reconciled, but that doesn't mean your daughter has. If she genuinely dislikes her aunt, why on earth would she invite her to her wedding? Unfortunately, this is a ramification of fall outs within families. Can't you see you're making this issue all about what YOU want? I have a feeling you don't have a close relationship with your daughter because the two of you are exactly the same.

loveyoutothemoon · 16/05/2017 21:14

It's not your wedding! Be happy for her. What has happened in the past with your daughter? It might be better if you elaborate?

UnicornsandRainbows1 · 16/05/2017 21:55

If you have a difficult relationship with your daughter, maybe be thankful you got an invite to begin with. It's her wedding, if she doesn't see your sister as family then that's that.

Notalotterywinner · 16/05/2017 22:12

You suddenly got friendly again with your estranged Dsis and your DD has to Magic a space at her already arranged wedding?

Ellisandra · 16/05/2017 22:14

Right, so even you didn't bother speaking to your sister... and now you do. Yet your daughter is accused of intransigence?
OK Hmm

You sound a tad over dramatic, if not having your sister there - who you didn't speak to yourself - means the day will be "tinged with sadness" Hmm

Look... you may not be being unreasonable about the relationship as a whole, but you've picked an example where you are wholly in the wrong.

I suggest you start a new thread actually talking about your relationship - if you want advice - and drop the silly wedding nonsense!

FreeSpiritJen · 16/05/2017 22:17

Have to say, the OP sounds quite immature, and I feel sorry for the daughter. I feel like she will be glad to get married to get away from the mother. Shock

Leave her alone FGS OP. Let her invite who she wants! Hmm

Jux · 16/05/2017 23:04

OK, I'll try to be helpful.

It seems that there are things your daughter is trying to tell you and which you don't want to hear.

This behaviour is illustrated perfectly on this thread. You need to listen to your daughter, and really take what she says into your heart even though you won't like it. Then you have to resolve to take it sriously and to act upon it.

From what can be seen here, you will not hear what people say because you don't like it. You chastise people for obliging your request for help and tell them their opinions are not good enough and that you expected better.

If that is what you are doing to your dd, then there is no wonder your relationship is strained.

What does your dd shout when you are arguing? What is her complaint? What words does she use? What is she asking of you?

corythatwas · 17/05/2017 00:14

You criticise your dd for having an intransigent attitude, yet one of the first things you told us in your OP was that you yourself had not talked to your sister for some time because of a family rift. So what you are actually asking of your dd is not to be a more forgiving person, or never to go NC with family members, but to do so as and when it suits you. That is a very different thing.

professorvape · 17/05/2017 02:32

It's not your wedding to be dishing out invites to. Don't create a drama and cast a shadow over your DD's wedding, fgs. Are you sure it's your daughter that is difficult?

Out2pasture · 17/05/2017 02:41

accept your daughter's answer and look forward to sharing the photo's and details with your sister.
i'm also wondering how comfortable your sister would be around a crowd of people she is not close to, she may not want to attend herself.
will your son be attending?

FrenchMartiniTime · 17/05/2017 02:47

All I hear in your post is "me me me"

I wonder what your daughters side of this argument is as it seems you have left out a massive backstory.

Go to the wedding and enjoy your daughters day. It's not about you and your sister.

SuperBeagle · 17/05/2017 02:47

I didn't invite the vast majority of my family, including both of my aunts, to my wedding. I don't like them and don't respect them, so why would I pay to have them at my husband's and my day? No, thanks.

She can invite whomever she likes to her wedding, and can leave whomever she likes out as well. You don't get to "implore" her to do anything when it has nothing to do with you.

Atenco · 17/05/2017 03:36

Oh dear, OP, did you only want answers explaining how to convince you dd to change her mind? But the answers here are unanimous in that it is your dd's wedding and you are just another guest. She gets to invite who she wants. You were also asked if you do favour your son, but have not answered that.

ITooHaveBeenThere · 17/05/2017 06:19

She won't be back. She won't even be reading this still and taking it on board.

She'll have decided that the women on here are no different to her daughter and that will be that.

LedaP · 17/05/2017 06:38

I genuinely think this is my mum. I am not getting married but wonder if OP has changed some details. I have recently reiterated that i dont want my kids around my aunty.

If it is her sister is twat. She stole off my grandad for years. Even when he had dementia. She also used to get him so worked up when he had to go into a home that social services stopped her taking him out as it always involved a trip to the bank where he took out hundreds of pounds and her winding him up saying others were stealing from him. She used to convince him he woild br able to go back home. Wheb he returned to the care home he would have a meltdown which was extremely distressing. She made his last few months miserable. And thats the tip of the iceberg. She has been acting like a twat for years.

My mum also says i am jealous of my brother. I am not. Dbro is a man child as is his wife. I am quite happy being independent. They are rude and horrible to my parents and awful to me. Sil once told me i should be infertile and dont deserve kids because i am working mum. No one is allowed to say anything incase dbro bans them from seeing their kids. Which wont happen because they cant go for more than 3 days without asking mum or dad for a favour.

Our relationship is strained because mum puts everyone else in the family first, always has, and expects me to just go along with everything and take shit and insults, smile and do whatever it is that she wants me to do that week. She cant get me to conform and so she tells everyone i am difficult.

Charlie97 · 17/05/2017 06:39

NRTFT

But your daughter is not not inviting your sister she's not inviting her aunt!

It's not your wedding it's your daughters!

ITooHaveBeenThere · 17/05/2017 06:56

Leda I doubt it's your mum. I have never experienced this exact scenario, but it's exactly the sort of thing my mother would have said/done/expected too.

My mother always described me as 'difficult' to family members and her friends. I'm not I just didn't do exactly as she wanted me to.

My mother always told everyone that I was jealous of my brother (I'm not and never have been. But she did her utmost to generate sibling rivalry between us, or rather to make me regard myself negatively compared to him.)

Not seen/spoken to her in over 5 years and have no intention of that changing.

Reachingout1 · 17/05/2017 07:21

OP, I think the reason you are finding the replies not very helpful is perhaps because they're not what you want to hear/read!?
I agree with the other posters and that is, it is your daughters wedding and unfortunately you planted the seed when you fell out with your sister. I don't know the story but your daughter could of really been hurt about what had happened and maybe how your aunty treated you? And she isn't too keen to forgive and forget like yourself?
If it was me and you was mum I would simply like you to respect my wishes and say to your sister, that it's my wedding, my choice and you respect my wishes! It's as simple as that!

LedaP · 17/05/2017 07:24

Its the use of intransigeant that makes me think it is. Its a word i heard for the first time, in conversation this weekend. Came out of mums mouth.

That and the 'i cant accept' and 'she ont grant me this one request'. The 'i try to communicate but she shouts at me' (ehich actually means 'i lie and manipulate until she cant take it anymore and asks me to leave'.

All stuff my mum says. But then again it may just a pattern.

elephantscansing · 17/05/2017 07:27

She knows she is upsetting me but is not prepared to grant me that request so that day will be tinged with sadness for me and also I cannot accept such an intransigeant attitude.

You can't accept an intransigent attitude? Oh dear. She's an adult now - she doesn't have to do things you 'accept'.

It's her wedding. Why not focus on mending your relationship with her, not on fighting things you can't change (like your sister's relationship with her). It's up to your dd who she invites.

JudeeLevinson · 17/05/2017 07:35

You had a long standing rift with this sister and your daughter probably feels no connection to her as a result. There is nothing more annoying than someone expecting you to switch your opinion from negative to positive depending on whether they are currently speaking or not. My mother was always falling out with sisters and I found it hard to keep up with who she thought was an arsehole and who was not in any given week. I found them all hard work, and perhaps your daughter still feels the same about your sister. I don't know, have you asked her? Is she allowed an opinion? And then getting all arsed because your daughter doesn't want to invite this person to her most intimate of days, on your say so. Back off, I would.

ITooHaveBeenThere · 17/05/2017 07:38

Leda It's all stuff my mother would say too.

My mother would also tell people that she tries to communicate with me and I shout at her... Actually that line in the OP really got me because that is exactly what my mother used to say and I can remember exactly what that "trying to communicate" meant/looked like.

You might be right, of course, but I largely suspect that it's a pattern that a lot of these parents follow!

GoatsFeet · 17/05/2017 09:30

My sister and I had not talked for a while due to a family rift but we have recently made contact again and I implored my daughter to let her come to the wedding but to no avail

So you brought up your daughter in the context of a family rift with your sister. You taught your daughter by example to disregard and ignore her aunt.

And now you're upset because your DD is following your lead?

Ellisandra · 17/05/2017 09:43

I expect OP is long gone as she didn't realise too many in here have been on the receiving end of the self serving narrative.

I want to point out one thing though:

  • fell out with sister
  • doesn't get on with daughter

Just going to leave that common dominator right there!

Offred · 17/05/2017 09:54

I agree with everyone else!

It is her life and her wedding. Your feelings about it are irrelevant. You need to grow up and I'm not surprised her relationship with you is strained!

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