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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU to be extremely upset by this?

88 replies

elephantcuddles · 16/05/2017 19:46

I need some perspective. I recently had to rent a car while visiting my partner. He lives with his parents because he can't afford to live on his own. HE can't can't drive.

His mom drove us to the car rental place. I had a very rude person helping me who was answering my questions in a snide and condescending way. I was feeling apprehensive about the whole rental because when I would ask questions, they would dance around the subject. I was asking about how big a scratch or dent would need to be for me to be charged for it because I'm driving in an area I don't know well and I want to be safe. I'm in a foreign country. The person was so rude that I got rude back and told them I felt like he was not answering me directly. I tried to communicate the question in another way and he just kept getting worse so I gave up. Then when I got outside to talk to the person who looks over the car rental with you, he answered my questions easily and made me feel much better.

During the entire time the other person (who was the manager) was being rude to me, my partner just sat there and did nothing. Of course I had to pay for the whole thing and he's not even planning to help me with petrol money. His parents have no issues with me spending money here on top of my plane ticket and moan and complain whenever he has asked them to drive us somewhere (which I hate doing.. I'm 30 ffs!)

i was upgraded to a nicer car than I paid for and I have no idea why. I assumed that it was because of the rude person helping me. I asked my partner not to tell his parents what I paid for the car (it was still a lot). Maybe I'm odd but I'm a private person and I don't like discussing money etc. I have had to pay for everything since coming here and he owes me a lot of money.

First thing when we got back to the house, he tells his parents that I got into an argument with the person at the car rental place and that they gave me a nicer car and that I paid x amount for it. His mother asked how much I paid for it. And he told her. I got so upset by all this. He mostly volunteered the info. Then he called me bipolar. He said he "forgot" that I asked him not to tell them.

He's been absolutely horrible to me. I am so depressed.

I just want to know what you think. He's now saying we aren't compatible and all this. He's called me a f*ikg bitch in the past week but begged me desperately to come here and that he would make things right this time.

On the way to car rental place I sat in back seat while he and his mother discussed all these people that I don't know from their hometown and that x person sold drugs etc. they talk amongst one another like I'm not even there. He says he doesn't know what else to do when she talks to him about this stuff because he wants to "keep the peace."

I feel very alone in my life because I feel like no one is looking out for me including him. I'm beyond upset. I know these examples may seem petty but they're just small examples.

Later he also went on to say that "both parties were wrong" meaning me and the person working there at the car rental place but before that he said the guy was very rude with me and it was wrong of him. My partner has never even rented a car in his life and doesn't have a drivers license. He was trying to tell me how car rental places will charge for a ding in the car or whatever and I got so annoyed because he can't even legally drive!

He's totally disrespectful toward me and I just feel I'm at the end of my rope.

OP posts:
Phoebefromfriends · 16/05/2017 21:30

I think I remember your last post and everyone warned you that this might happen, now you are living this hell I don't understand why you don't leave? What is there to stay for? Please listen to Scarlett book that flight and get the hell out of their ASAP. Once you get home you can take some time to look at why you would settle for this crazy relationship.

froyotogo · 16/05/2017 21:32

Read what other posters have written. Read absorb and take the advice.

He and his family are using you.

He will not change. His family will always be there and they too will not change.

Don't waste one more day you deserve much better than this man

LadySalmakia · 16/05/2017 21:37

Oh my god OP. I mean this in the kindest way. You are completely deluded about this man.

Leave him. Pack your stuff, get in the car, and get to the airport. Stay in a hotel till you can get a flight. Do not answer his calls or messages.

Go and live your life without this awful millstone round your neck making it miserable. Choose to be happy and free and open to a relationship with a man who actually likes you.

MilesHuntsWig · 16/05/2017 21:40

This sounds awful, you seem to have fallen into a relationship which is so much less than you should accept.

I think you know what you need to do. Good luck.

wiltingfast · 16/05/2017 21:44

He's living at home.

He can't drive.

He's tight with money.

He's horrible to you.

He lives a 20h flight away.

His mother sounds awful.

The fates cannot be clearer. It is hopeless.

Break out the overused credit card. Get a flight home.

Never talk to him again.

Honestly you will feel so much better.

Go do it now. Flowers

NC1nightstand · 16/05/2017 21:44

I don't want to pry but I wonder if you have a lot of good things going on in your life at home?
Also, I'm not familiar with your previous threads so don't know if you have had many relationships in the past.
The wonderful thing is that you can have the life you want and you can spend the 20 he flight home planning all the good things you're going to do next. Take men off the table for the moment and really go to town on yourself! So, always wanted to learn to salsa - do it, gain new qualifications or a new skill, go for it. Meet new friends - join a club, night class etc and find your tribe. Decide on your goals, make a plan and work your arse off till you make it! I only say this because you are so focused on this guy and he is not ready himself to be in a relationship with a grown woman, he isn't grown up himself yet so at best he 's looking for a new mama.
Trust me, in years to come you will look back at this experience and see it for the gift it is - a massive warning to get away from these people.
If you learn to love yourself more you will attract a much better partner. You enjoyed the start of this when he persued you because it's flattering to have that kind of attention. You seem like you are crying out for love but this man child isn't capable of giving you what you want and need. But I know you will meet someone who is.

expatinscotland · 16/05/2017 21:45

I remember your last thread, too. EVERYONE told you that it was madness to go. You went anyway. And he's proven himself every inch the lazy, workshy, ignorant, loafing, sponging twunt everyone said he was. Are you have to even ask if it's reasonable to be upset?

You know, some people, they don't want to be helped. For one reason or another, they sabotage themselves with shit relationships like this.

Go home and end this. This fucker will NEVER marry you, buy a house, kids, etc. He's happy where he is, with you 20 hours away and spunking loads of money on him.

Or stay and be responsible for every bit of misery you have visited on yourself by staying there.

The choice is entirely yours.

NoSquirrels · 16/05/2017 21:52

Go home.

If he's that bothered about being with you he'll follow you somehow.

Hopefully not, though.

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 16/05/2017 21:54

I also remember your last thread and if you cant see it yet but you are being scammed..

Your living the scam dream here and it turning into a nightmare..

Is your life so boring back home that you think this sort of drama is fun for you right now.

Your young and free go home right now.
Throw everything back in your suitcase and take the first available flight out of that horrible forsaken drama you think your wanting to live in.

Call your parents and friends and tell them what your living in and hopefully if we cant convince you to go they will op.
Get out now.

JayneAusten · 16/05/2017 22:12

Oh OP. You've made a massive mistake. But it's ok - you can still get out of this. You can go away and never see this loser or his horrible family ever again. You can live a happy life with PROPER men who treat you nicely and who will give you intelligent and equal partnership.

You've mistaken an inadequate internet weirdo for a nice guy. He's basically catfished you and you can't quite let go of who he tricked you into believing he was.

Book a ticket. End it. Get a taxi to the airport.

Nobody else can do this for you - save yourself, or sink and regret it forever.

Jux · 16/05/2017 22:33

Please dump him. Just pack up your stuff and go home. Read the opening post of this thread and aim for that in your hext relationship. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

If you are anything less than cherished, move on.

This guy is not for you.

ScarlettFreestone · 17/05/2017 00:01

I'm slightly wondering OP (and apologies if I'm wrong) if the fact that everyone has told you this is a dreadful idea is why you are hanging on to it.

A colleague of mine admitted (in vino veritas) that she married her DH to prove her friends and family wrong. She didn't want to admit that she'd made a mistake and was annoyed by all the well meaning advice, so she married him.

10 years and three children later she feels trapped. He's not horrible, but he's a man child and doesn't make her happy.

She's ended up being responsible for everything earning the family income, organising all the household stuff, sorting out the children.

He's not so dreadful she feels able to have her family's first divorce (and bear all the I told you so's) but she doesn't have an equal partner, a best friend, she can't lean on him and any fun or romance is long gone.

Don't commit to marrying anyone but the very best man Elephant.

Don't sell yourself short.

You only have one life.

ExplodedCloud · 17/05/2017 00:15

I remember a previous thread too.
This is the best it will ever be.
There won't be a point at which it magically turns into the relationship you want.
Get a plane home.

SmurfPants · 17/05/2017 07:58

Please please please do not bring children into this awful family, PLEASE.

Isetan · 17/05/2017 08:36

There isn't the foundation here for what you want in the future. I'm sure he's very sweet but for him to be the person he says wants to be and the person you want him to be, he has to put the work in and he just isn't doing that. It's all if's and when's with him, a supposed magic time in the future where everything falls into place. For all his bitching about his parents, you are being groomed by him to take over the responsibility of 'looking after him' from them. He has no plans to be independent, he expects to move from being his parents dependant to yours and the excuses/ justifications he's currently making for his dependancy on his parents, are the very ones he'll use to excuse and justify his dependancy on you.

He's not looking for an equal, he's looking for a surrogate parent (all be it a less challenging one but one who he still expects to provide for him). Don't be that woman, a woman who believes that the man child they're currently dating will suddenly morph into an adult the second he's away from the parent child dynamic of his family. He clearly doesn't want the responsibility of being a grown up and you can't make him.

This is who he is and untill his talk of independence and betterment turns into action, it's all he'll ever be. Stop focusing on the person you're desperate for him to be and start accepting the person he is.

You'll never get a return on your investment, the only thing you can do now is to limit your losses

Waltermittythesequel · 17/05/2017 08:43

You're only 30.

Have a good job.

Drive.

Are nice and attractive.

And yet...

You need to get some self-respect and an earlier ticket.

You haven't been with him two years! You live 20 hours away. You cannot know someone well enough under those circumstances.

He's using you for money. And for some reason, you're an easy target.

user1493630944 · 17/05/2017 08:52

Actions speak louder than words. you have already wasted enough time and money on this man, don't waste any more. Return the hire car and go home.

PoisonousSmurf · 17/05/2017 08:59

Life is far too short to waste it on this 'man'.

DaemonPantalaemon · 17/05/2017 09:00

You say you do not want to out yourself, but your threads are so memorably, mind-numbingly awful examples of extremely poor judgement that you can't disguise who you are.

Just so you know, if you do have a child with him you will not be able to take him or her out of South Africa, as South Africa now has strict rules requiring consent from both parents before a child can travel.

It is fine to mess up your own life, as you are so hellbent on doing, but I would urge you not to have a child with him.

But of course, your next update is going to be, help, I am pregnant and he is useless. Sigh.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 17/05/2017 10:08

Elephant I can only reiterate what everyone else has mentioned. Such a shame that instead of spending hundreds on the plane ticket and car rental that the money wasn't spent on counselling instead. Do you ever wonder why you put up with a shitty relationship? Why you are clinging hold of this lazy disrespectful scrounging layabout?

YouWouldntLetItLie · 17/05/2017 10:13

If you can isolate one single aspect of this situation to change, I would suggest this: stop thinking 30 is 'old'. It's not. You have at least ten years in which to meet someone way better else, and have children.

Read the Relationships board if you don't believe me - thousands of posters don't meet Mr Right until their 30s, and still have a family. Some even later. Even more decide their relationship is broken, and start over again, and find happiness. It's really, really not impossible.

If you can somehow overturn the fixation that this man is your one and only chance of a family, then the scales may well fall quickly from your eyes about what a shitty deal you're settling for. Without wanting to sound like Oprah Winfrey, the relationship you need to focus on is your own, with yourself - is being treated badly your comfort zone? If you don't change that, nothing else will change for you.

HappenstanceMarmite · 17/05/2017 10:16

Go home. Or to a nice hotel >50 miles from this trash and explore the country you find yourself in.

Cut your losses now.

StillWandering · 17/05/2017 10:29

Haven't read any previous threads of yours OP but it seems like you want to be his Knight (ress) in shining armour saving him from his 'awful' family!!

If only he'd get himself a driving licence: eh he could get a bus/ buy a bike
If only he'd get himself a job: eh I'm sure he's old enough to sort that himself he's over age 15 is he not
If only he'd leave his family: yep he could do that too but he doesn't because he likes having a mummy mind him until my mummy #2 takes charge.

You could hang round waiting for your 'son' to grow up or you could fly home and tell him to follow you when he HIMSELF gets a job! a car! a life and grows the hell up!!

Cricrichan · 17/05/2017 10:30

Do yourself the biggest favour ever and go home and never have anything else to do with this man again. It can only get worse. You're being completely used. The man doesn't care about you. He isn't making the slightest effort to do anything. He'd have to be spectacularly amazing and making a huge effort to counteract the crapness that it would involve you being together. But he's not. So ditch him. And maybe get some counselling.

DaemonPantalaemon · 17/05/2017 10:59

OP, okay, let me soften my last post, I have now skimmed through your many other threads on this site and you have clearly had an unhappy life, with no support or even love from your family. Please don't make the mistake of compounding your unhappiness with an unhappy relationship, rather, go for counselling to strengthen your self-esteem and sense of self-worth.

If you don't, I am afraid you will never be happy, as you will always be one of life's victims. Abusive and unpleasant people tend to be drawn to people with poor boundaries. And clearly, you have both poor boundaries and poor judgement. Good luck.

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