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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU to be extremely upset by this?

88 replies

elephantcuddles · 16/05/2017 19:46

I need some perspective. I recently had to rent a car while visiting my partner. He lives with his parents because he can't afford to live on his own. HE can't can't drive.

His mom drove us to the car rental place. I had a very rude person helping me who was answering my questions in a snide and condescending way. I was feeling apprehensive about the whole rental because when I would ask questions, they would dance around the subject. I was asking about how big a scratch or dent would need to be for me to be charged for it because I'm driving in an area I don't know well and I want to be safe. I'm in a foreign country. The person was so rude that I got rude back and told them I felt like he was not answering me directly. I tried to communicate the question in another way and he just kept getting worse so I gave up. Then when I got outside to talk to the person who looks over the car rental with you, he answered my questions easily and made me feel much better.

During the entire time the other person (who was the manager) was being rude to me, my partner just sat there and did nothing. Of course I had to pay for the whole thing and he's not even planning to help me with petrol money. His parents have no issues with me spending money here on top of my plane ticket and moan and complain whenever he has asked them to drive us somewhere (which I hate doing.. I'm 30 ffs!)

i was upgraded to a nicer car than I paid for and I have no idea why. I assumed that it was because of the rude person helping me. I asked my partner not to tell his parents what I paid for the car (it was still a lot). Maybe I'm odd but I'm a private person and I don't like discussing money etc. I have had to pay for everything since coming here and he owes me a lot of money.

First thing when we got back to the house, he tells his parents that I got into an argument with the person at the car rental place and that they gave me a nicer car and that I paid x amount for it. His mother asked how much I paid for it. And he told her. I got so upset by all this. He mostly volunteered the info. Then he called me bipolar. He said he "forgot" that I asked him not to tell them.

He's been absolutely horrible to me. I am so depressed.

I just want to know what you think. He's now saying we aren't compatible and all this. He's called me a f*ikg bitch in the past week but begged me desperately to come here and that he would make things right this time.

On the way to car rental place I sat in back seat while he and his mother discussed all these people that I don't know from their hometown and that x person sold drugs etc. they talk amongst one another like I'm not even there. He says he doesn't know what else to do when she talks to him about this stuff because he wants to "keep the peace."

I feel very alone in my life because I feel like no one is looking out for me including him. I'm beyond upset. I know these examples may seem petty but they're just small examples.

Later he also went on to say that "both parties were wrong" meaning me and the person working there at the car rental place but before that he said the guy was very rude with me and it was wrong of him. My partner has never even rented a car in his life and doesn't have a drivers license. He was trying to tell me how car rental places will charge for a ding in the car or whatever and I got so annoyed because he can't even legally drive!

He's totally disrespectful toward me and I just feel I'm at the end of my rope.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 16/05/2017 20:40

This isn't really a relationship and he's already treating you like shit. Leave. Don't return.

Goodasgoldilox · 16/05/2017 20:45

Clearly he isn't the man you imagined he was.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 16/05/2017 20:47

Why do people put up with shit like this?

You owe him nothing, you are not married to him, have no DC, no ties, easy to get away.

End it, run fast and never look back. He is a loser. You are better than this. Life is too short for such nonsense.

ScarlettFreestone · 16/05/2017 20:50

He hasn't got an education.
He hasn't got a job.
His family are mean to you and violent.
He treats you badly.
He swears at you.
You pay for everything.
He lives on the other side of the world.

Go home sweetheart. There's nothing there for you but misery, financial ruin and heartache.

This isn't a man who you should even consider marrying. Not even a for a second. He'll ruin your whole life.

Quietly book a flight home as soon as you can.
Quietly pack up your stuff.
Stay goodbye, and immediately get in your car and drive like the wind to the airport.
Get on the plane and never look back.
Block him from all communication.

PoisonousSmurf · 16/05/2017 20:54

Reminds me of a woman at my office. She fell in love with a Turkish man after going on holiday. She started a long distance romance with him and after a few years, she decided to leave her job, sell her house and move out to|Turkey.
He dumped her like a hot potato. He only wanted her so that he could move the the UK!
Never EVER get involved with people who live abroad. They only want one thing. A British passport!

Boooring · 16/05/2017 20:54

Yes I recognise your story. You have posted about him before and everyone said you were mad. He is still not working and his family are awful and they are expecting you to pay for everything.

Honestly why don't you just go home?

PoisonousSmurf · 16/05/2017 20:56

You are better than this OP. Run like the wind from this man and his family. They will never respect you if you stay.
Long distance relationships like that NEVER work!

ElspethFlashman · 16/05/2017 20:58

I remember you now too. It's worse than that - the OP has a US passport! That's what he's got his eye on!

Popskipiekin · 16/05/2017 21:00

Jesus go home OP! I'm 30 ffs - exactly! So young, whole life ahead of you, please fgs don't ruin it with this immature dipshit and his awful family. Tell us when you've booked your flight. Please.

PoisonousSmurf · 16/05/2017 21:01

Are men in America that repulsive that the OP has to go all the way to SA to find love? Sad, sad.

elephantcuddles · 16/05/2017 21:02

He's not really after a Passport. He would be happy living where he is now. I just don't want to live here so he is determined to live where I am. But that's really besides the point. And I don't think a US passport is better than a U.K. One. Quite the opposite. But that's another can of worms. He pursued me. Not the other way around. I know how this must look but he couldn't care less about getting a visa to go live somewhere else.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 16/05/2017 21:03

You are deluding yourself.
Read Scarlett's post. Every word twice. Really slowly.
Then fly home and leave this non relationship.
This man is not your partner.

TheWorldHasGoneToCake · 16/05/2017 21:04

Oh Elephant you and I sent a few PMs on the back of your last thread (I name change regularly). I'm sorry that you thought you saw the best in him and went anyway. Now you are seeing the light, cut your losses, get your ticket changed and get yourself back to the UK.

Vikivox · 16/05/2017 21:05

Leave him. Get back home and don't look back. Learn from it to make sure you'll recognise a man like him again - and avoid!!

elephantcuddles · 16/05/2017 21:06

Yes I liked Scarlett's post a lot. I'm not deluding myself. I agree with a lot of what has been written here (not all of it).

Thanks for the kind words, theworldhasgonetocake. I might pm you.

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 16/05/2017 21:07

He is using you!

You are his ticket to leave his parents house.

Wether it is in his country or your country, what he wants is to move in with you so you support the house and bills, hel expect you to then take the role of his mother (cooking cleaning) so he has no responsibility but gets to sleep with you while also treating you like crap.

He can't even pretend long enough to trap you.

you are worth more than this. Get home, Break up with him and find someone who deserves you

susanboozan · 16/05/2017 21:08

Oh dear.

If you need to ask us here, I'm afraid your education and life skills are not worth the paper they are written on.

You know what you have to do now, so just go and do it. Use your life skills and all the rest that you have and go.

But you seem to want people to encourage you to stay with the program.

You alone have the means to sort yourself out, and this is one situation that anyone would run a couple of million miles from. Surely you can see that?

BuckinghamLass · 16/05/2017 21:10

Everthing Scarlett said. Nothing will improve - and especially if children come on the scene, at which point it will get so much worse.

I'm so sorry OP, I know you're devastated, but count your lucky stars you've still time to extricate yourself from this awful man and his family.

YouWouldntLetItLie · 16/05/2017 21:11

Step back from the petty car hire behaviour stuff, and look at the bigger picture. It feels as if you want posters to agree with you that, yes, the way he spoke to you on that occasion was wrong, yet you seem weirdly reluctant to hear how very wrong EVERYTHING ELSE in this situation is.

It's awful. Drive that hire car back to the airport, asap. I promise you, there are literally hundreds of thousands of nicer, kinder, honester, better-in-every-way men out there. And you are only 30 which leaves you plenty of time to meet at least, ooh, twenty of them.

Boooring · 16/05/2017 21:13

What do you see in him? Is it just that you feel you want to settle down at your age?

inlectorecumbit · 16/05/2017 21:16

You are his cash cow.
you are being used
Go home now and delete from your contact list eveywhere.

YouWouldntLetItLie · 16/05/2017 21:18

OP, if you're the poster I'm thinking of, one of the things that really sticks out for me in your threads is the way you always return to the fact that he pursued you, that he made a huge play for you, as if that in itself is a reason for putting up with his horrible family, the patronising way he treats you, his lack of job, the etc. You don't owe him anything for him chasing you, you really don't.

You are worth so much more than this. Don't let anyone else set your value.

Fruitcocktail6 · 16/05/2017 21:22

What a bizarre situation. Go home and get on with your life.

supersop60 · 16/05/2017 21:24

Please go home.
yes, you may have spent a lot of money, but if it means your eyes are opened to this awful man, it is money well spent.
His words and promises about the future are just words.
How does he treat you now?
It won't get better.
Please go home.

ScarlettFreestone · 16/05/2017 21:26

I'm sure that you are lovely Elephant. But even if he has genuine feelings for you - it's not enough.

I adore my DH. He's funny, kind, brilliant, thoughtful, hard working, successful and very handsome.

And still, even with all that, marriage can be hard. Life throws all sorts of curve balls at you and relationships need to be rock solid to stand the rest of time.

Your starting position with this guy is sets the bar very, very low.

He had no money and no job.
He isn't even trying to get a job.
If you marrying you'll be resentful and arguing about money for ever.

He isn't kind to you.
If he isn't kind to you now, when he only sees you occasionally, what will it be like when you live together all the time? He's not magically going to get nicer and stop swearing at you.

His family are horrible and violent. He doesn't stand up to his mother.
Pick a MIL thread at random to see why this will never improve but will make your life miserable

Emigrating to a new country and culture is very, very hard even in the best of circumstances.
You will be his only friend, his only support, his only source of income. Let's face it if he can't shift himself to get a job at home he's not going to do it in your country and even if he does he had no education and no skills, he doesn't even drive. You will feel immense pressure because he gave up his life for YOU, and he'll remind you of it regularly.

The fact that you've been together for two years should not stop
you calling it quits now. This relationship isn't healthy. It's not making you happy. It has no future.