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Original poster

Am i wrong to be upset if SO goes on holiday without inviting me?

61 replies

dayandnight123 · 15/05/2017 23:19

I am in a lovely new relationship of 7 months and completely in love with SO. I booked a summer holiday for us to go together and he seems happy and excited about it. However, yesterday he said that next year he is going for a holiday with his friends (one male and one female). I was taken aback because my first thought had been to go on holiday together not separately, which is why I booked the summer break for us. We have been together on beautiful weekends away and see each other 3-4 times per week. I know everyone is different but am wondering why I am feeling hurt that he would not even ask if I would like to go on holiday with him, at least out of courtesy. He has gone on holiday before with the same (best) friends just a month after we met but this had been booked long before we met so of course I did not think anything of it and wished him a great holiday. We messages and skyped regularly when he was away because we both missed each other. Recently he has told me that 'people' come and go but friends and family are forever. This statement, coupled with a string of several 1-year relationships he has had makes me think that he may be afraid of commitment and is simply going round the same circles with each new relationship, afraid to commit from fear of being hurt and not really giving the new relationship a chance. I would be so grateful if anyone offers their opinion because I know I have probably been over thinking about this- everything else seems absolutely fine, he calls or messages every day, he has asked me to bring some clothes to his place and has introduced me to some of his friends and family (but not the ones he is travelling with). What should I make of this, if anything?

OP posts:

WonderLime · 16/05/2017 11:26

I'm a bit confused - did he actually say that he's booked to share a bed with the female friend? How do you know he's not sharing the bed with the male friend? Unless he has literally said that's what he is doing, then I don't really understand the problem - it seems to just be an assumption.

As far as booking holidays with friends and without you. Are you suggesting friends can't go on holiday together if someone is in a relationship. To be honest I don't think it really matters how long you have been together. If that is the normal dynamic for his friend group then you either accept it or end the relationship if you can't fathom not being invited. You are not part of friend group - you are a partner of one member of the group (and as you mentioned, you've not even met this woman. How would she feel about someone's short term partner being invited on a friend's holiday?)

MyOpe · 16/05/2017 12:04

Hi OP.

I would be hurt.

Something like this happened to me when I was a young woman. My boyfriend at the time - I had been going out with him for nearly a year - went on the holiday to the States. Never even thought of asking me! I remember at the time being hurt, and thinking it was strange and inexplicable. I hope I'm not projecting, but it really did mean he wasn't as in to me as I thought. He finished with me 6 months later after asking me to move in with him (which I did). So please be wary.

If you feel hurt, its probably for a reason. Its your heart telling you something, maybe something important.

The fact he told you that 'people' come and go but friends and family are forever is another sign. The fact you've met a few of his friends and family and leave some stuff at his house doesn't mean much.

Like others have suggested, I would get on with your own life, and focus on that. He doesn't sound like he's thinking of you in his future .

Original poster

dayandnight123 · 16/05/2017 13:09

thank you again to all replies. I am certainly not suggesting that friends can't go on holiday together - far from it. I guess I am indeed too intense about it and should not read too much into it for the time being and just get on with day to day (love) life. Elissandra, you are probably right that I am too invested for a relatively short amount of time. Maybe I am too romantic and idealistic and this has unknowingly set (perhaps unrealistic) expectations that if I use the first chance to go on a holiday together with the person I love they would want to do the same.

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 16/05/2017 13:14

How do you know they are sleeping in the same bed? If all three of them are sharing a room, it's far more likely the two blokes will be sharing the bed.

I have a female best friend. We have holidayed together many times, usually long weekends, but once for a whole week. We always share a room but never a bed. Purely because it's cheaper than having separate rooms.

MyOpe · 16/05/2017 13:18

OP, only you know the full story.

But don't dismiss your feelings of hurt.

Feeling hurt can be our guide that someone doesn't love or respect us as much as we deserve.

LedaP · 16/05/2017 13:24

Do people really believe people want to stop going on holiday with their friends the minute they enter a relationship? And anything less means the other person isnt committed?

WonderLime · 16/05/2017 13:43

Maybe I am too romantic and idealistic and this has unknowingly set (perhaps unrealistic) expectations that if I use the first chance to go on a holiday together with the person I love they would want to do the same.

He can want to go on holiday with you and go with his friends. They are not mutually exclusive. You already have a holiday booked for summer - why would he even be talking about another romantic holiday with you before this first one has occurred?

If your relationship continues, then I don't see any reason why you wouldn't be having a discussion about going on your next holiday. However, that still doesn't mean that you must be invited with his friends. That is a separate dynamic that doesn't automatically include you.

I do honestly think you are worrying, and all the posters harping on the 'he's not into you that much' vein are being over dramatic. You will go on holiday together this summer and you will either have a great time and start planning your next one or you won't.

In the meantime, he can arrange holidays with his friends and you are free to do the same with your friends. Being a couple definitely shouldn't even stop people also being individuals.

SparklingRaspberry · 16/05/2017 14:02

I wouldn't be happy about him sharing a bed with her. That would probably be the end of the relationship. Not because I think he'd cheat just purely because I think it would be disrespectful towards me.

However if someone ever got stroppy because I'd booked a holiday away with friends then that would also be the end of the relationship.

He doesn't HAVE to invite you. If the holiday were full of couples and he went without asking you along then yeah I'd understand.
But he's allowed to go away with friends and not have to take you.

DerelictWreck · 16/05/2017 14:02

I don't see the problem - wouldn't you go away with your friends without him?

Adora10 · 16/05/2017 14:08

Sharing a bed with a female friend, nope I'd not be happy.

Telling you family and friends last but everyone else (you) comes and goes - nope even unhappier.

Telling you a story that he is a commitment phobic due to being hurt or risking being hurt - bullshit, still not happy.

You're entitled to feel the way you do OP, your gut is probably telling you something, don't ignore it just cos folk on here are saying it's A ok.

scottishdiem · 16/05/2017 14:11

Being exclusive with someone (using the modern parlance) does not mean doing everything exclusively together with no reference to previous friends or a life before the current 7 month old relationship.

WonderLime · 16/05/2017 14:18

Sharing a bed with a female friend

Telling you a story that he is a commitment phobic due to being hurt or risking being hurt - bullshit, still not happy.

From what I can tell, he hasn't actually said either of those things. The OP has assumed them.

Floggingmolly · 16/05/2017 14:20

He's been quite upfront in putting you in the category of random people who come and go in his life, op. I wouldn't hitch my wagon to this particular star, sorry.

Adora10 · 16/05/2017 14:21

Well I can only go on what the OP is saying Wonder fgs.

WonderLime · 16/05/2017 14:25

Well I can only go on what the OP is saying Wonder fgs

And in her very first post, she says he's had a string of 1 year relationships and she thinks he is a commitment phobe. The OP hasn't inferred that he said that.

And as for sharing a bed with the female friend - I did question whether he actually said that too earlier as the SO is going on holiday with a female and a male friend so it seems a bit confusing that would be the case? However again no idea where that came from and whether that's actually from him or not.

Trollspoopglitter · 16/05/2017 14:30

I would feel like you, OP. It's not that he's going on a holiday or who he is going with - it's way he didn't even consider including you and suggests he sees an expiration date for your relationship.

Trollspoopglitter · 16/05/2017 14:31

that suggests

chocatoo · 16/05/2017 14:34

I would not go out with someone who thinks that it is OK to share a bed or even a room with another woman whilst they are my SO, regardless of their relationship (unless it was his mother!).

Adora10 · 16/05/2017 14:49

he has asked me to bring some clothes to his place and has introduced me to some of his friends and family (but not the ones he is travelling with)

Odd, or convenient?

Also I see you have paid for this holiday too, make sure he pays his way when there OP, did he even offer to pay his half?

DerelictWreck · 16/05/2017 16:36

it's way he didn't even consider including you and suggests he sees an expiration date for your relationship.

So if I go away to for the week with my female friends, and don't ask my SO, it means I'm thinking of breaking up with him?

expatinscotland · 16/05/2017 16:45

What HildaOg said. I'd assume he sees the relationship as casual and proceed accordingly. I hope you're not paying for the summer holiday and haven't been the one stumping up for all these weekends away beyond your 50%.

Adora10 · 16/05/2017 16:46

Regardless Derelict the OP has paid for this holiday and his answer is to tell her he's going away with a woman and another man next year, not exactly going to make her feel valued or that he is invested, why could he not say he'd take HER away next year as she's paying for this one.

expatinscotland · 16/05/2017 16:47

Oh, dear, you paid for the holiday? More fool you.

WonderLime · 16/05/2017 16:51

why could he not say he'd take HER away next year as she's paying for this one.

Who's to say that he won't, after they've been on the couple holiday together this summer?

When I book a holiday with my DP, we don't start planning the next one before even going on the first. That's just silly. However I would still plan a holiday with my friends in the meantime as that's a separate thing.

I just think there's a lot of overdramatising this. The OP has said that their relationship is otherwise very good, but it is still early days. They should go on their couple's holiday together, see how it goes and make future decisions from there. If, after this holiday, he still only ever makes plans with his friends and not with her then there may be a need to question where it's going. However for now I really can't see what the issue is.

lilyroses · 16/05/2017 17:01

Sounds to be his not sure you'll still be together.

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