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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Assessing my marriage.

32 replies

StiffenedPleat · 15/05/2017 21:18

I told him several years ago that he needs to organise a night out sometimes, that I can't always the organiser of everything (nights out, holidays, cinema, having friends for dinner etc). I told him I wanted there to be sometimes the odd surprise for me. A bit of romance maybe. On our wedding anniversary he didn't even wish me happy anniversary, let alone mark it with a gift or a meal. Apart from on Valentine's day, we haven't been out together in the last 12 months.

I could deal with it if it was just thoughtlessness -but having spoken up several times and told him how his neglect makes me feel, he can't hide behind the "I'm useless but you know I love you dearly" excuse forever more. His neglect is determined and intentional isn't it? I have to face the fact that if he loved me he would have been devastated to realise the effect of his neglect. It makes me feel taken entirely for granted. He should have moved heaven and earth to change but not a bit of it: he has answered with total intransigence.

I suppose I just need a shoulder. I can't change him. I have to accept that this isn't the relationship I want.

OP posts:
petalsinthegarden · 15/05/2017 21:23

OP, for you - Flowers

Think about yourself, put yourself first! If this isn't the relationship you want - tell him and make him do something about it.

It's obviously very serious if you're posting. Does he understand the extent of it?

Original poster
StiffenedPleat · 15/05/2017 21:47

Yes, he does I think on some level. I arranged for a session of marriage guidance counselling last year. I found it exceptionally helpful but he said he didn't find it helpful. So we didn't go again.

A unilateral relationship appears to work for him but I'm dreaming about being on my own. I keep thinking how nice that would be.

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Original poster
StiffenedPleat · 15/05/2017 21:47

petals - I appreciate the flowers. I think the thing is that we can't MAKE someone do anything about anything. We can only make ourselves do things.

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petalsinthegarden · 15/05/2017 22:07

This is true OP.

If you're dreaming about being on your own, then do it. I can imagine it to be scary at first but it would be you putting yourself first, which is what you need to do.

Don't hang onto something for the sake of it.

Original poster
StiffenedPleat · 15/05/2017 23:57

petalsinthegarden - thank you for your support. I need to not let this drift for another year. Nothing changes but I just get on with other stuff and bury it. But it's always there, near the surface and rears its head with its own energy.

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RockPaperCut · 16/05/2017 00:02

People generally don't change, they are who they are. It's up to us to either accept them as they are, or move on. I chose the latter after many years trying.

Catherinebee85 · 16/05/2017 00:06

Have you ever put it as bluntly as telling him you'll leave if he can't change? If you have done and he hasn't listened then he's been given every opportunity. You deserve to be happy and feel wanted xx

Original poster
StiffenedPleat · 16/05/2017 12:00

RockPaperCut - How are things for you having moved on?

I owe it to my teenage daughter to model something less joyless. She asked me the other day if I was attracted to "the old git" for his money. It made my heart fall. She is obviously trying to work out what the hell is in this for me.
PS He isn't much older than me and he doesn't have any money. If only. Grin

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Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 16/05/2017 12:04

You do your dd a disservice to see you treated so shabbily while seemingly accepting of it. .
Taking control even if that means divorce would be showing her and yourself that you deserve more out of life and are prepared to get it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/05/2017 12:04

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Something has kept you within this to date so what is it?.

And yes you do owe it to your teenage DD to model something less joyless; after all we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. What have the two of you taught her about relationships to date, she is really seeing a crap role model here and indeed does wonder what is in this for you now. She is very perceptive here and has picked up perhaps on far more than you care to realise.

Original poster
StiffenedPleat · 16/05/2017 12:07

Catherinebee85 Thanks for your thoughts. And for your support. No, I've never put it so bluntly. I don't like to threaten or insist on things. Expressing love can only be done freely for it to be meaningful. Forcing behaviour would be a Pyrrhic victory. I'm not his parent.

I enjoy my own company. I have plenty of friends and lots of hobbies.

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Original poster
StiffenedPleat · 16/05/2017 12:15

Attila - Thank you for your thoughts. It feels shocking seeing your comment written down but it's entirely true and very helpful. VERY. My daughter is seeing a crap role model. I have been thinking about that a lot recently.

Daughter asked her father the other day (we were playing Monopoly at the time) "Why didn't you get mummy an anniversary gift?" and husband said because "I'm a crap husband."

Awful.

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Original poster
StiffenedPleat · 16/05/2017 12:15

Justmadeperfect - Sorry I missed your comment. Yes! Thank you. You're right.

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RockPaperCut · 16/05/2017 14:31

Stiffened I'm not out of the other side yet. And dc are much younger than yours, but on one of my many previous threads Attila gave the very same advice, which was lightbulb moment. It's taken me 3 years and 14 months of therapy to finally call time on the marriage. I wish I'd done it sooner tbh.

Original poster
StiffenedPleat · 16/05/2017 15:54

Attilla - I get very little out of this relationship. I haven't done for some time. I give very little too in all fairness. I've disengaged which has helped me to see the dynamic with a steely eye.

I asked him yesterday if he could go away for a week to give me some space or if he can't go away for a week then I will. Apparently he can't go as he doesn't feel at all well. Hasn't felt at all well for a fortnight. (There is nothing wrong with him.)

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LightYears · 16/05/2017 16:32

Made me quite teary this thread, I've been there OP, it's soul destroying it really is. I finished it too, years ago now, we tried again but it was no good, he couldn't keep the effort going, it's like they've given up. I want to live! Life is short, got to make the most of it, some people just don't make the most of it.

Adora10 · 16/05/2017 16:37

Honestly he's not worth your effort, all the kindness you have showed him has been met with pure apathy, you need to treat him exactly the same way and if I was you, I'd get my ducks in a row and at least have a plan should the proverbial hit the fan.

Adora10 · 16/05/2017 16:39

And yes your children grow up to model your relationship so if you want better for your daughter show her a strong woman who does not tolerate cos I'm a crap husband, he's not even sorry to say that, says it all really.

wizzywig · 16/05/2017 16:47

Op im at the same point that you are. Miserable isnt it? Hate the weekends, annual leave as i have to spend time with him

RockPaperCut · 16/05/2017 17:40

Spending time together without the children was the worst, utterly, utterly soul destroying. He was happy because I met all his needs, yet I was resentful that mine weren't met. I had a couple of bucket list destinations, just city breaks, ruined because I went with him. Holidays where we'd put the dc to bed and just sit in silence him watching football and me reading a book.

If you're miserable, it really is better to leave sooner rather than later.

Original poster
StiffenedPleat · 16/05/2017 17:52

wizzywig - Yes, totally miserable. Sad I've stopped inviting my friends around when he's in (which he mostly is as he hardly EVER goes anywhere). He's joyless and lacks passion for anything. I feel as though he's infected the whole house with his joylessness. I'm beginning to feel contempt for him which I know is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

Last summer he went away for a week on his own and it was bliss. My daughter was easier. I felt at ease. There was no edge to anything. Home felt calm and peaceful. I mentioned it to my therapist at the time and she said it was important that I listened to my own feelings. Doh.

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Original poster
StiffenedPleat · 16/05/2017 17:54

Rockpaper - Sounds awful.

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SaltySeaDog72 · 16/05/2017 17:58

OP, it does sound as though you absolutely know what you need to do.

You just need to... take a deep breath... and call time on this marriage

Flowers

You can do it

Original poster
StiffenedPleat · 16/05/2017 18:01

I sometimes feel bad about the prospect of smashing up the life we've built together but actually he has smashed it already. I've asked for small changes. He feels unwilling/unable to cut the cruelty/neglect (or whatever it is). I think it's actually all about control but it doesn't work on me. I'm not especially needy which I think is why we've managed to limp along for so long. For the first few years we were together I didn't even notice this was what he was like (I was too busy living) but after a while the pattern makes it obvious that it wasn't fleeting forgetfulness/oversight/tiredness. It was actual neglect. Deliberate and cold.

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Original poster
StiffenedPleat · 16/05/2017 18:03

I feel completely able to build a new life. I'm good at making a house home. X

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