Assessing my marriage.

[StiffenedPleat]

I told him several years ago that he needs to organise a night out sometimes, that I can't always the organiser of everything (nights out, holidays, cinema, having friends for dinner etc). I told him I wanted there to be sometimes the odd surprise for me. A bit of romance maybe. On our wedding anniversary he didn't even wish me happy anniversary, let alone mark it with a gift or a meal. Apart from on Valentine's day, we haven't been out together in the last 12 months.

I could deal with it if it was just thoughtlessness -but having spoken up several times and told him how his neglect makes me feel, he can't hide behind the "I'm useless but you know I love you dearly" excuse forever more. His neglect is determined and intentional isn't it? I have to face the fact that if he loved me he would have been devastated to realise the effect of his neglect. It makes me feel taken entirely for granted. He should have moved heaven and earth to change but not a bit of it: he has answered with total intransigence.

I suppose I just need a shoulder. I can't change him. I have to accept that this isn't the relationship I want.

Thank you all for your support. It helps a lot to talk it through.

SP

re your comment:-
"I think it's actually all about control but it doesn't work on me"

You're wrong there; it has worked all too well and it has kept you stymied till now at least. Your DD knows that things are not great at home and you cannot afford to keep on showing her that this is acceptable to you. Is that one of the many lessons you want to teach her about relationships because currently at least you are showing her this is acceptable to you on some level. You get very little out of this relationship and that suggests a great deal as well.

You can make a new life for your DD and you if you choose to. You have a choice re this man, she does not.

Do not get bogged down in the sunken costs fallacy either; that will only serve you to make poor relationship decisions.

Oh my dear girl. Go. Your story resonates so much. You deserve a better life..waste no more on him and invest in yourself.
You have tried and tried..it seems he's not prepared to try..you are already unhappy and moving in different directions.
An old friend I saw rarely confided in me she had noticed how I had changed..as if the joy had been sucked out of me..and from your posts I can hear echoes of that in what you say.
It will be scary and costly..but only you can know if it is worth the risk. Good luck with whatever you decide. I stayed 5 years too long, before he abandoned us unexpectedly, so if you are not ready yet, or need time to save and/ plan your departure I'd not judge you for that decision either.

I was going to suggest sitting him down and telling him that as he doesn't work at your relationship you would be happier on your own than with him. Not as a threat, as a description which might make him pull his socks up. However, it sounds like it's gone too far, now. Time's up.

They haven't got the balls to end it so they leave it to us. Handy that, then they don't look like the bad guy.

LightYears - It's interesting you should say that. His ex wife had an affair, more than one apparently. I can quite see why now. Having painted her as the person who broke the marriage. I've been thinking about that a lot recently

He is a shit husband, as he said,

They haven't got the balls to end it so they leave it to us. Handy that, then they don't look like the bad guy.

Absolutely this. Mine couldn't be seen as the bad guy I was impressed how quickly the character started.