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Original poster

Confused

27 replies

Stripes66 · 15/05/2017 20:07

I'm in my early 30s with two beautiful children, a lovely home and a good job. From the outside my life looks pretty good but I'm very confused about my future. My partner (children's father) works away a lot and last year I found out that he'd received oral sex from a prostitute. Although we've tried to work few things, I can't quite forget what he did and find myself feeling angry towards him, but very rarely talk about it with him- the reason being that he won't let me talk about it, accusing me of punishing him when I do. This hasn't helped and with the stress he's been going through at work and how he behaves- very up and down moods, it's all pretty exhausting at times. Sometimes, things are good and we do get on well at times but I question my future with him. We're engaged it I can't imagine marrying him now because I feel that it wouldn't feel genuine. I wonder whether to leave and start again and give myself a chance at happiness but we have children and I don't want to devastate them for my own needs.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/05/2017 20:12

I think this is the worst thing when someone's unfaithful and you have children together - you have the choice of separating and watching your children suffer as a result, or staying and suffering yourself. It's really awful.

I find it hard to believe that he's only done this once. It seems pretty obvious that most people don't get found out the first time they do something. He's put your health at risk. He can't be trusted. He's spent family money on something that he wanted but which hurts everyone else.

I can see why you don't want to marry him.

JK1773 · 15/05/2017 20:15

IMO you can only attempt to overcome infidelity when the guilty party acknowledges their behaviour every time it's mentioned, when they acknowledge fully how hurt you are and accept full responsibility for it. It's his job to reassure you, rebuild your trust and be open with you. He's doing none of that. I don't think there is any way you can marry this man. I'm sorry x

Notmyrealname85 · 15/05/2017 20:19

Whatever you choose, try not to feel guilty making a decision based off his actions

Agree that that one instance will just be what you've found out about. And ditto putting your health at risk and wasting family money

How can you be punishing him with something he won't discuss properly in the first place?

It sounds like you can co-parent well together. I'd talk to him openly and suggest a separation

Pettywoman · 15/05/2017 20:23

Don't you feel guilty. The guilt is all his!

FormerNymphet · 15/05/2017 20:28

You are not to blame. The fault is is alone.
Do you want to live a life constantly chasing the ghost of his infidelity.
The feeling of pain and panic never goes away. I know it well it is no life to lead.
I would also add what he has admitted to will just be the tip of the iceberg.

fedupandnogin · 15/05/2017 20:29

I stayed and suffered. The relationship was never right after my discovery. It was a waste of time and we divorced years later. I feel as thought I wasted many years. Flowers

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/05/2017 20:33

I'm very stressed at work right now. It hasn't had a negative effect on my DH. Well, maybe he has had a bit less time with me in the evening as I work or go to bed early. There's nothing there to exhaust him. Why does your DP's work stress exhaust you?

Original poster
Stripes66 · 15/05/2017 20:40

At the weekend he can be extremely moody and blames work stress. It runs off on us all. I work full time too so the weekends don't always seem like a break. He can be very up and down. I feel that him going with a prostitute is partly my fault because we weren't as intimate as we used to be- I'd had PTSD after the birth and had to have counselling and found it difficult to have him come near me there. Things had improved though so I'm another way it was a kick in the teeth after how hard if worked to try to overcome what had happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stripes66 · 15/05/2017 20:41

Rubs off not runs off 🙄

OP posts:
isitjustme2017 · 15/05/2017 20:50

Sorry but children don't necessarily 'suffer' as a result of separation. From your description of him and his moods rubbing off on you all, maybe the children would be happier if you weren't together.
Children don't thrive in an unhappy house, I am realising this myself. I'm not the best mother I could be if I stayed with stbxp. His behavious upsets and angers me so much I end up taking it out on the kids by being short tempered with them.

Ellisandra · 15/05/2017 20:55

No no no no no!
You are not at fault AngrySad

My fiancé is a widower. With a high sex drive. He had no sex for 3 years in his last marriage. Why? Because he was caring for his wife with cancer and she didn't want and then couldn't have sex. Three years. Because he loved her, and respected her.

If a man wants sex and his girlfriend does, then he damn well ends his relationship. Not just go and have sex with a prostitute.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but your relationship is dead in the water not because of his cheating (and fuck knows that's reason though!) but because he is not fixing it. You're not allowed to talk about it. There's a surprise.

Get out now, don't marry him.

Hassled · 15/05/2017 20:59

It doesn't sound like he's taking any responsibility at all - or letting you begin to get over what was a massive betrayal. The fact it was "just" oral sex is irrelevant - it was still sex. You're blaming yourself, and you have no reason to blame yourself - it wasn't you. He says you can't mention it because it's punishing him - well he fucking deserves some punishment, doesn't he? Does he really think you'll just smile and nod and carry on as before?

If he won't properly address what he did, how it made you feel, how he's going to change his ways then there's no hope. The ball is in his court to improve things. And if it fails it won't be anything you did or didn't do.

Original poster
Stripes66 · 15/05/2017 21:10

Thank you so much, I wish I'd posted a long time ago. Xx

OP posts:
Sunshinesuperman · 15/05/2017 22:05

Your kids are likely to be upset in the short term but happier in the long term. My only query is purely practical, would you be better off financially if you were divorced rather than separated ? If you have enough resources by yourself without a share of his resources I wouldn't hesitate to leave.

Perdyboo · 16/05/2017 07:20

Not your fault, not your fault, not your fault!!
Please do not marry him. Any worries are unlikely to go away. And the anger - why wouldn't you be angry??
I'd be saying, you did this, I hope it was worth it.
As a previous poster said, love and respect is about exactly that. Flowers for you going through this.

Underthemoonlight · 16/05/2017 07:41

In effect he paid to cheat on you, it wasn't a drunken mistake and no doubt used family funds, degrading a woman in the process. I highly doubt it was just oral sex and I doubt it was the first time either. This is simply an occasion you found out about. Do you really want to be with someone who thinks paying for sexual acts is ok? That using and buying someone's body is morally ok? You just had his baby he should of have been supporting you. I hope you find closure in what ever decision you make but please don't forget your not to blame he is.

FormerNymphet · 16/05/2017 07:48

No, don't let your self esteem suffer. You are not a creep that has to pay women to touch them.
You were going through a very difficult time he was supposed to support you not make you feel worce.

AnyFucker · 16/05/2017 07:50

Ugh, what a creep

How can you even look a man like this in the eyes ?

Original poster
Stripes66 · 16/05/2017 17:28

It's very difficult. I was completely shocked when I found out as its not something if have ever expected him to do. I'm a pretty god judge of character normally.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stripes66 · 16/05/2017 17:34

It's very difficult. I was completely shocked when I found out as its not something if have ever expected him to do. I'm a pretty god judge of character normally.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stripes66 · 16/05/2017 17:43

Financially I'd be fine. I earn a decent salary and my partner would need to pay 500-600 a month too. We also live in a house that's got a decent amount of equity if we sold. I'd be fine, I just worry that I'd be making a mistake if I left.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/05/2017 18:01

What mistake would that be ?

Realising you only deserved to be with a woman hating piece of shit after all ?

Adora10 · 16/05/2017 18:08

Sorry I don't get how you can even contemplate having a future with a man that visits prostitutes, says it all really, about him as a person.

Adora10 · 16/05/2017 18:09

He won't let you talk about it, seriously, for that alone I'd have binned him off.

Sunshinesuperman · 16/05/2017 19:52

Okay if you can afford to leave then I would be tempted to explain to him just how impacted you were both by his initial behaviour and his inability to address it afterwards in any meaningful way. Explain that you see two options either separating or you both going on counselling, maybe individually at first. Explain that he has to seek support for his behaviour, otherwise what is to prevent this from happening again. If he is serious about your relationship he should be prepared to put some effort in, you are worth this.

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