Screwed things up this weekend.

[PinkGlitter17]

I'm splitting from my husband, we're living with our 2 DC under the same roof and keeping things generally ok while this living situation continues.

Yesterday, I was really pissed off with H and shared my frustration on messenger with a friend of mine. This friend also happens to be DS's key worker at nursery, and has been really supportive since things kicked off between me and H.

I told her something he did that got to me yesterday, and she replied while my phone was charging. The thing that had got to me was that I'd been doing preps for his birthday all day, sorted present, baked cake, made sure things were set up for his bday today, helped him out with something in his van conversion, and then was going to the shop for choc to ice the cake - needed to use the bathroom to sort out my facial hair so that I could go to the shop. And he was shouting at me to let him get in the bathroom to get in the bath. I'd not had a minute to do my face due to sorting kids/van/his bday stuff and just wanted to use the sink.

Notification came up on my phone when H unplugged it, and he saw the reply from this friend - she said 'twat!' and implied that he'd been wanting to have a wank in the bathroom, hence the urgency.

I'm actually quite surprised that my friend got so personal and that she called him a twat. She's in her 50s and has usually been more of a mother hen to me but this was a change of tone, and I don't actually like it myself. I know she was not in a professional setting but I still see it as a bit unprofessional iyswim.

H is now convinced that I'm poisoning everyone against him and spreading lies. I have talked a lot to a few friends here, but none of it has been lies or has demonised him. It's just been about my own experience. I don't think he is a bad man, I don't hate him. But I don't know how I can possibly make him believe that.

I'm going to have a word with this friend. H sent her a message himself and is going to pick DS up from nursery next time, I worry he might make a formal complaint about her.

I feel so stupid, childish, guilty, foolish, confused, sick. We had been getting along ok for a few weeks really, and this has blown everything up and I'm back on eggshells.

What more do you need to see, op ?

Still think it was a good idea to do all that running around for his birthday ?

Have you put a lock on your own phone yet? And changed your notifications to name only?

I know the housing market in the UK is very 'tight' in places. And social housing is VERY complicated! Would it be possible for you & DC to relocate (is there a 'back home'?) or look a bit further afield?

You really need your friends right now and IMHO your friend said/did nothing wrong. He is a twat.

And you need to work very, very hard at realizing that he's 'gotten into your head' and implanted the need to defend him, no matter what. This is very common in abusive relationships and it's very, very hard to break that conditioning. I'd suggest counseling. But in the meantime whenever he starts shit like this you just have to keep repeating silently "He does not have my best interests at heart" and try to see his words in that light.

Wow that's what he thinks about the mother of his children and he's complained about what your friend said.
IMO what he has said is much worse
But you've got to stop this tit for tat and just get the funk out of there asap

You're as bad as each other. Why on earth did you look at his messenger? You can stop the first line of messages coming up on your phone. I suggest you do this and stop snooping on his phone.

He cannot complain about your friend, her comment was made as a mate, nothing to do with her job.

We're going to counselling/mediation in a minute. Dreading it at the moment, but last time it was really empowering for me.

I'm not surprised you're dreading it - it's a bad idea, a very bad idea, to go into counselling with an abuser.

Counselling in your own would be the answer.