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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Screwed things up this weekend.

56 replies

PinkGlitter17 · 15/05/2017 00:03

I'm splitting from my husband, we're living with our 2 DC under the same roof and keeping things generally ok while this living situation continues.

Yesterday, I was really pissed off with H and shared my frustration on messenger with a friend of mine. This friend also happens to be DS's key worker at nursery, and has been really supportive since things kicked off between me and H.

I told her something he did that got to me yesterday, and she replied while my phone was charging. The thing that had got to me was that I'd been doing preps for his birthday all day, sorted present, baked cake, made sure things were set up for his bday today, helped him out with something in his van conversion, and then was going to the shop for choc to ice the cake - needed to use the bathroom to sort out my facial hair so that I could go to the shop. And he was shouting at me to let him get in the bathroom to get in the bath. I'd not had a minute to do my face due to sorting kids/van/his bday stuff and just wanted to use the sink.

Notification came up on my phone when H unplugged it, and he saw the reply from this friend - she said 'twat!' and implied that he'd been wanting to have a wank in the bathroom, hence the urgency.

I'm actually quite surprised that my friend got so personal and that she called him a twat. She's in her 50s and has usually been more of a mother hen to me but this was a change of tone, and I don't actually like it myself. I know she was not in a professional setting but I still see it as a bit unprofessional iyswim.

H is now convinced that I'm poisoning everyone against him and spreading lies. I have talked a lot to a few friends here, but none of it has been lies or has demonised him. It's just been about my own experience. I don't think he is a bad man, I don't hate him. But I don't know how I can possibly make him believe that.

I'm going to have a word with this friend. H sent her a message himself and is going to pick DS up from nursery next time, I worry he might make a formal complaint about her.

I feel so stupid, childish, guilty, foolish, confused, sick. We had been getting along ok for a few weeks really, and this has blown everything up and I'm back on eggshells.

OP posts:
Justbreathing · 15/05/2017 01:28

Also make sure your messages only have the name, that they content doesn't pop up.
And change all passswords on everything including here!
And get the fuck out of there as quickly as you can

Atenco · 15/05/2017 02:05

Start by deleting her text from your phone and telling her to delete it from her phone.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/05/2017 02:27

The first thing you need to do is put a password on your phone. The second thing you need to do is change your notifications so that nothing shows on your locked screen but the name of the person who's texted you.

Atenco · 15/05/2017 02:36

What's more with people like that the best thing is to deny, deny, deny. Without any evidence and the pair of you saying he dreamed it up...

TheStoic · 15/05/2017 04:21

Why are you sorting out his birthday? Are you doing other chores for him too? If you are, stop that.

Put a password on your phone.

Do not distance yourself from your friends. You need all the friends you can get right now.

AnyFucker · 15/05/2017 07:05

I am glad that this thread has given you pause re. your friend becausr if you re read your op it seems like you were siding with your idiot h against her

I simply cannot fathom why you are running around making things nice for his birthday. The lines are blurred ? They are outta sight !

LucyLocketLostIt · 15/05/2017 07:29

I wondered why you've done all that for his birthday too. That's crazy. Stop doing things for him.

Also, have you taken legal advice? Not sure that it should be you and the children moving out and not him?

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 15/05/2017 07:41

You said you exercised restraint by not posting it on FB? Hmm

Why do people feel the need at all to do this?

Confide in a friend or relative of you need to but sort your life out yourself.

And give your friend a break.

Allfednonedead · 15/05/2017 08:02

Telling her was entirely ok by any standards, unless you owe him some kind of loyalty. Which you emphatically do not.
He's abusive. That's never something you have any sort of obligation to conceal.
On the contrary, it's a really good idea to tell the world about abuse.
In this case, you were just venting to a friend who deserves a great deal more loyalty than your shit of a husband.

MumBod · 15/05/2017 08:28

Oh, OP, you sound like someone who's boundaries are blurred beyond all measure.

You sound like you're so controlled by your husband you can't think for yourself any more.

You don't have to agree with him. You don't have to go along with his tantrums. You don't have to turn on your friend because he wants you to.

You don't have to go along with anyone - not even some of the less kind pp on this thread.

I've been where you are, and believe me, the sky doesn't fall in if if you stand up to these men.

Delete the message, tell your friend to, deny everything.

Or tell the tinpot dictator to stop being a twat, then people might stop calling him one.

Wanker? That's what a man who's making his wife and DC homeless is worried about being called?

I've got a few better names for him...

springydaffs · 15/05/2017 08:29

I get it that his intense anger has thrown you into great fear and dread - and shame and condemnation? Like you, and your friend, are a universal disgrace, condemned as dogs..

Well fuck that. His highness has had his pride hurt - how DARE you! That's all it is - yawn. If he is an abuser his 'pride' will be stratospheric. He's the one with the disorder/s.

Your friend has just been a good friend - she sounds great! Don't get into shaming and condemning her bcs he has. She's had your back.

He, however, is poisonous. Don't forget that. Stop running around for him.

Have you seen a lawyer? You'll be pleasantly surprised if you do. You are MARRIED op, you have significant rights. First half hour free, see a bunch of lawyers. Collect all financial docs - is H self employed?

springydaffs · 15/05/2017 08:31

Do the Freedom Programme! Do it now! Look at their site, click 'find a course' to find a course near you. Go (as soon as) xx

LostGarden · 15/05/2017 08:44

In my experience of an abusive husband, he could behave as badly as he chose - affairs, physical violence and more. But if I breathed a word of it to anyone his outrage and fury was terrifying. He'd try to make me think my speaking out was the abuse.

It was a way to keep me silent and worked for many years.

You're allowed to speak to friends. He's trying to crush your new found resolve. But you can do this. Get legal advice if you haven't already and value friends who support you. Best wishes.

Original poster
PinkGlitter17 · 15/05/2017 08:46

Sad I've got into such a mess, I appreciate all of the replies, I'm trying to get out of this house, there's no accommodation up for rent here ATM. Otherwise I'd be out in a flash with the children Sad

OP posts:
LostGarden · 15/05/2017 08:51

Have you taken legal advice? You really need to. Your kind of ex will swear black is white if he thinks it will give him an advantage.

Mine had me thinking I'd be a penniless pauper reliant on his goodwill for the rest of my life. This was not true!

You can do this Op. re-gather yourself and move forward.

MumBod · 15/05/2017 08:58

I really feel for you, OP. I recognise the panic in your opening post.

You can talk to anyone about anything you like.
You are separated.
He is an abuser.
You have rights.

Those are your four truths. Anything else around this situation is hot air and guff, blown up by your estranged husband.

Cool, calm and collected. See a solicitor.

MumBod · 15/05/2017 08:59

If I were you I'd go and see your friend, tell her he's seen the text and gone mad, point out what a dick he's being about it, and tell her he had you panicking for a bit.

Decide how to deal with it together. Ally yourself with her, not him. You need your friends - you don't need him.

PollytheDolly · 15/05/2017 09:00

Well he is a twat. If the cap fits.....

Keep focused on your friendship. That's what needs protecting and yourself. You sound scared.

MrsEvadneCake · 15/05/2017 09:04

If you are desperate to get out then can you go back to your mums?

You said you are being strong and handling all of it but actually you are still putting his needs first. Making his birthday nice, helping with his van. So his life is just great and you are still acting like a relationship. Not separated.

springydaffs · 15/05/2017 09:06

Monday morning, get to a lawyer - or a bunch of lawyers because he will not be able to use firms you have used for advice, even if it was free first half hour.

You are sounding so powerless op. You really are not powerless in the eyes of the law! Contact Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 - or look on their site to find local WA office (easier to get through). They will give you a list of lawyers in your area go to them all

You have a great deal of power - because you are married. Please answer the q's: have you sought legal advice? Have you done the Freedom Programme? Contacted WA? Your huge fear will diminish dramatically when you do.

2boytrouble · 15/05/2017 09:25

Next time your phone is charging, put it into airplane mode so no new messages come through

pudding21 · 15/05/2017 10:08

Oh PinkGlitter, I know where you are coming from. I am kind of having the same thing but in separate houses, I don't know how you are not going mad.

Have you read the "Why does he do that" book? If you can get hold of a copy it really helps. I am three months in, and still tiptoeing around Ex. because I actually do still love him and I want us to be able to co-parent in a sensible way. Your friend did nothing wrong in her test, she was trying to support you. I would be annoyed if I was your Ex too, but I wouldn't have reacted. You see they don't think like us, they think only about themselves.

Whatever happened you need to get into your own space asap, you will never be able to heal until you do. Its tough, you are co-dependent like me, but you don't deserve to be waling on egg shells.

Good luck Flowers

Original poster
PinkGlitter17 · 15/05/2017 13:03

I looked at his messenger and he told his mother, in all capitals, that I'm a "lazy, parasitic, unemployable slob of a wife".
I know I shouldn't have looked. Wish I hadn't read that! I'm a bit stunned.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 15/05/2017 13:11

I can't understand why you both have access to each other's private messages, and why you still want to read them.

This is all sorts of messed up. How old are your kids and how much of this are they seeing?

LucyLocketLostIt · 15/05/2017 14:15

And after all the effort you went to for his birthday. Now you know what he really thinks of you.

Get some clarity on things OP.

And whatever you do, go and see a solicitor!

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