I've just asked my DP to leave

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Because this morning, when my DD was being annoying (she's 11) he picked her up by her arms, moved her across the room, dropped her and smacked her bum. I was horrified.

I love(d) him very much, but this isn't acceptable is it? This isn't a difference of parenting styles. He's saying I am crazy and overprotective and being stupid.

I don't want to be one of those people who put their relationship over their children. This is not ok.

Misstic, there are always disagreements on whether physical chastisement is acceptable. Some believe that it is useful for quickly teaching toddlers. However, I think it would be difficult to argue that physical chastisement of an 11 yo would even be effective. And if it's not effective in making a child behave in an appropriate way, then, yes, it's purely violent.

She's 11, he's not her dad and he smacked her bum. This is wrong I so many levels. I don't agree with smacking at ant age, and think the bum is the worst place it could be done - it's humiliating no matter what age you are.
You are not overreacting and have done the right thing in telling him to leave. Your dd needs to see you standing up for her, needs to see she is being out first, that it's never, ever acceptable for a grown man to put his hands on her in anger.
Good luck

Your DD needs to learn to do what she is told. Actions and non actions have consequences.

However you are quite right that your (D)P has to leavehe assaulted your DDtotally unacceptable in any circumstances.

I'd be very concerned if a man did that to my 11 year old daughters bottom.

Thank you all. He's entirely unrepentant and says he hates me for making a 'big deal out of nothing' and that he never wants to see me again.

He is leaving the house in a bit. My DD is with my mum. My life has fallen apart in under 12 hours and I feel like I'm living a hideous dream.

Inlector - yes I agree she needs to learn to do as she's told, but she has HF ASD so that's a long road for us.

OP

Your very relevant later post make sit even more vital that you end this relationship.

I know it hurts and you're in shock but I'm someone else whose mother chose a man over them and I'll never forgive her. My life was then all in care from baby to 18 and it was horrific. She's still with the man but fuck, was it really worth it to me? No.

OP, you've made the decision that felt right for you. You are best place to judge. Don't beat yourself up about it. You'll move on.

You need to set clear boundaries with any new partner. People do have different perspective on things. I personally do not think a light smack on an 11 year old's bottom is a big deal. I am only concerned about the anger part as from your description it was rather shocking.

I can see myself giving my son a tap on his bottom or a firm shoulder shake at the age of 11.

He's entirely unrepentant and says he hates me for making a 'big deal out of nothing' and that he never wants to see me again

I think this speaks volumes about his character. It's horrible when things fall apart but you, and your daughter, deserve better than him.

Thank you all again. He's going and we are done. I'm so hurt and sad and angry and frustrated, but I know have to do the right thing for my DD. I really thought this was going to work.

I am sorry, l have just read your DD has HF ASD. Somehow that makes his actions much much worse.
Well done for protecting your DD.

I wouldn't tolerate anyone laying a finger on either of mine... yes it is violence. It would not matter one iota whether the person was biologically related to them or not - they would be gone. OP you have absolutely done the right thing here.. for your daughter, I would also be making it very clear to her why he has gone. Someone is violent towards you, they don't get to have a relationship with you anymore. It's as simple as that - that is a very very important message to be sending to an adolescent girl and you ought to be proud of yourself for doing the absolute right thing even though it was difficult for you. You have shown her something extremely vital which will hopefully stay with her for life.

Goingtobeawesome - that's awful and one reason I'll probably be enternally single, I don't think I could cope with another man even looking at my dc the wrong way let alone anything else. My sister did a similar thing and let my nephew down terribly by choosing her emotionally and psychologically abusive husband over her son. He has terrible self esteem issues now which I don't think he'll ever fully recover from. The husband is dead now so that's some comfort I suppose..

Cannot believe there are still people (not many thankfully) who think it's ok to slap a child.

It doesn't work, it's abusive and it shows a lack of control from the parent.

You 100% did the right thing and your children will be grateful to you for protecting them.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. But you are doing the right thing- he was completely in the wrong

Secretlife0fbees - I hope you do meet someone good enough to spend your life with if it's what you would like.

He lost control OP and there is no excuse for that. Ever. She's a child, he's the adult and should have walked away if he was getting angry. You must feel awful but you've given your DD a really positive role model of a mum today and for that you should feel really proud.

You are all being far too nice to me!

I made a shit choice and now I need to pick up the pieces and start again.

My DD's dad was abusive, I don't think my exDP was, but he wouldn't agree (or even listen to me) about how I wanted to parent my own DD. So c'est ca.

He was the first person I was ever truly in love with as an adult though. So boy does it sting.

I'm also fat, ugly and nearly 40, so need to get some more cats to create a full army of them as they're about my only chance for a fulfilling relationship now.

I'm also fat, ugly and nearly 40,

Only one of these is true and can't be changed....

You have a beautiful soul and a great parent to your DD