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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Scared to tell ex-H about new partner

33 replies

pourjudgment · 14/05/2017 12:59

Long story short....

Was married 5 years. Divorced last Dec. Ex currently in prison for fraud. Release date this August. Narcissistic manipulative deceitful person. Caused me years of severe anxiety. I am a high earning legal professional... the shame :(

We have two children - 3 and 8.

When I finally managed to leave him it was for someone else. This gave me the strength I needed. He got very abusive and sent me pages and pages of handwritten hate mail (saying I may as well be dead). That relationship didn't work out.

But now I've met someone and it's very different. I feel... love. For the first time in as long as I can remember. Possibly, ever. He is about to meet the children. I feel I need to tell ex-H this despite where he is. But I'm scared because of what happened before. He made me ill with anxiety which maybe sounds silly. The other issue is new man is police... Ex is going to hate this. It will drive him insane. I think he'll feel his power - psychological power, that he perhaps feels he still has - fade away. I'm fearing more hate mail.

I feel I need some sort of help too with the new relationship. My trust is so shattered. Do you think counselling would be a good idea?

Sorry so much going on here. I've just kind of blurted it all out!!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 14/05/2017 13:01

I don't know why you feel you have to keep this abusive bastard informed of everything you do. Why do you think that? Do you really think if you were in prison he'd tell you he'd met someone new, in a kind of 'I thought you should know' way? Of course he wouldn't!

Original poster

pourjudgment · 14/05/2017 13:03

Well insofar as this man will be spending time with his children?

OP posts:

Rio2016GB · 14/05/2017 13:07

I can definitely recommend getting a counsellor.

And it sounds as though you still feel/believe you have to keep him informed of what's going on in your life. You don't. But time will help you realise this. And having a counsellor will speed up that process.

My advice is to live your life the way you want to..... not the way you think others think you should live them.

EatsLeavesAndShit · 14/05/2017 13:08

You don't owe him anything at all, your personal life is completely separate from him now; imagine you are strangers. Did you report his hate mail to the police? Are you planning to have contact with him when he comes out? Wouldn't it be better for your mental health if contact with the children was through a contact centre?

The Freedom Programme might be good for you. It helps women who've come out of abusive relationships so they can see the signs and start to grow confidence again.

TheStoic · 14/05/2017 13:08

Don't tell him anything. He'll find out when he finds out. Telling him is not going to make him behave any better.

category12 · 14/05/2017 13:09

It's none of his business. Go no contact with this man.

I would think about finding out if there are some legal protections you could get in place for when he is released, and arrange that he will have supervised contact/access through a third party to the dc at most, so you're prepared for when he's out.

As for any letters, keep for solicitors and the police.

Counselling is a good idea, and maybe the freedom programme? Go carefully with this new relationship, as it's easy to find yourself with another abusive personality, as they're what is familiar to you.

niangua · 14/05/2017 13:09

He's an ex. The idea is you don't speak to him ever again. That's why he's an ex. In jail.

You tell him nothing. It's none of his business.

Put his hate mail in the bin and carry on with your life, or pass it to the police. He wants a reaction, he wants to feel he still controls you. Don't give him the satisfaction.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 14/05/2017 13:10

And if he says he isn't happy about it would you really give a fuck and take his reaction into account?
He is locked up.

Out of sight out of mind imo. .
He doesn't deserve a second thought.

You don't need his approval so don't give him the option to shoot down you decisions. .

Original poster

pourjudgment · 14/05/2017 13:10

I was very very close to reporting it to the police and the prison. I told him this and it stopped.

OP posts:

Whisky2014 · 14/05/2017 13:12

Are posters missing the fact she has kids with this guy in prison?

Original poster

pourjudgment · 14/05/2017 13:12

I've kept everything in a file and was intending to show it to my new partner so he has full insight into the sort of person he is. I was advised to keep everything (by my family).

OP posts:

TheStoic · 14/05/2017 13:13

Are posters missing the fact she has kids with this guy in prison?

No.

Original poster

pourjudgment · 14/05/2017 13:13

Yes I was about to say that whisky We have children, that's the whole point. It's about a man being in their lives. Also that they are likely to tell their dad (they talk on the phone most days and see him once per month).

OP posts:

DJBaggySmalls · 14/05/2017 13:14

If a client were in your position, how would you advise her?
In your job, if a serving prisoner is threatening you, aren't you required to report that?
My advice would be to get an injunction, go NC and move on with your life.

Original poster

pourjudgment · 14/05/2017 13:15

He's in an open prison now as close to release so effectively just sleeps there....

OP posts:

Reow · 14/05/2017 13:15

Tell him. But also tell him that any threatening aggressive hatemail will be sent directly to the police.

kittybiscuits · 14/05/2017 13:16

He abdicated all responsibility for the children when he went to prison. You have no reason to tell him anything. I echo the suggestion made by others for you to seek help for yourself - counselling or the freedom programme. You will need to learn to live without his control and abuse. You make your own life decisions now. You will be okay, it just takes time.

Original poster

pourjudgment · 14/05/2017 13:16

He has rights to see his children! He is deemed as no risk at all to them.

OP posts:

Original poster

pourjudgment · 14/05/2017 13:17

I will have a look into the Freedom programme. I've seen it mentioned on other threads.

OP posts:

VerySadInside · 14/05/2017 13:20

You don't need to tell him about your private life at all!

It sounds like you are trying to feed his drama. If the children mention him then thats fine but you don't need to tell your ex about your love life.

Original poster

pourjudgment · 14/05/2017 13:24

Let's say this was a normal separation and your ex h had the children for the weekend. He introduced them to his new partner without telling you? Am I really being too... considerate about this??? I'd fully expect to be told who my children were spending time with. Particularly if they may be spending rather a lot of time with them?

I'm doubting myself now. But if I can really rightly not tell him I'd obviously prefer that.

OP posts:

CrazedZombie · 14/05/2017 13:24

If he wasn't abusive then he'd deserve the courtesy of knowing that it was going to happen together with some info like his name and occupation.

He is abusive so wouldn't deserve the info if there were no kids. I would want the kids to be there when he found out so I would tell him (ideally by text/email/letter) so you can keep it short and factual. I would add the information that he was a police officer so he'd hopefully think twice about going nuts at you. It's amazing how many abusers won't show their true colours when they know somebody else is watching.

CrazedZombie · 14/05/2017 13:26

Would should be wouldn't.
I wouldn't want the kids to be there when he found out.

ElspethFlashman · 14/05/2017 13:28

Why are you introducing your kids to your new boyfriend? It doesn't sound like you've been together long at all.

Original poster

pourjudgment · 14/05/2017 13:36

elspeth what would you deem the right amount of time to have been with someone ? He wouldn't be introduced as anything more than my friend. He has children of the same age so simply park play dates for now. That sort of thing.

OP posts:

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