Scared to tell ex-H about new partner

[pourjudgment]

Long story short....

Was married 5 years. Divorced last Dec. Ex currently in prison for fraud. Release date this August. Narcissistic manipulative deceitful person. Caused me years of severe anxiety. I am a high earning legal professional... the shame :(

We have two children - 3 and 8.

When I finally managed to leave him it was for someone else. This gave me the strength I needed. He got very abusive and sent me pages and pages of handwritten hate mail (saying I may as well be dead). That relationship didn't work out.

But now I've met someone and it's very different. I feel... love. For the first time in as long as I can remember. Possibly, ever. He is about to meet the children. I feel I need to tell ex-H this despite where he is. But I'm scared because of what happened before. He made me ill with anxiety which maybe sounds silly. The other issue is new man is police... Ex is going to hate this. It will drive him insane. I think he'll feel his power - psychological power, that he perhaps feels he still has - fade away. I'm fearing more hate mail.

I feel I need some sort of help too with the new relationship. My trust is so shattered. Do you think counselling would be a good idea?

Sorry so much going on here. I've just kind of blurted it all out!!

It just strikes me that the easiest way not to have the kids blab about Mummy's friend is if they don't meet Mummy's friend yet. And if you've only been dating a couple of months no harm.

I wish someone would set up a service for exes where they deal with all communications and scheduling and make sure people stick to it (financial penalties if not), but day to day - so you'd never ever have to message/speak to an ex again. Cleaner relationships for the children and the exes!

It's not that I don't want ex to know. It's just that I'm fearing it. It has to be done at some point. I suppose I just want to try and have a normal life with someone :(

Is there any kind of support group you could contact, or counselling?

It sounds as if he is still controlling your actions, you sound very anxious over how he will react. Totally understandable though.

By the way, you should not feel any shame. Abusive men abuse all types of women. The shame is his not yours.

Don't tell him anything. By giving him information and explanations you're feeding his sense of entitlement to control you. All he needs to know when he finds out is that your new partner is a cop. That will likely be enough to keep him from harassing you so long as you don't give him power over you by pandering to him.

Contact the police with every single threat he makes and talk to your partner about him. Be prepared to immediately respond to any attempt by your ex to cause trouble. You know him and what he's likely to do so anticipate and make sure you're ready to shut him down.

Do you realize you are still letting this man control you? Even from prison! Fuck this guy. You owe him nothing and your children are better off without him. Document every single thing he says or writes to you. Get a no contact order. Whatever you have to do to keep him away.

In all honesty I think you should resolve your own issues before you go head first in to a new relationship especially as you now want this new man to meet your children. Get yourself some counselling, build yourself up and deal with all the hurt and deceit from the past. Take it slow with the new man. You may well want to tell the ex about your new relationship but wait to see how it pans out first. It sounds as ii he will be pretty furious especially as new man is a copper. He may start up his war of rage against you and try to turn the children against you. You could put your children in a difficult position too especially as they have regular contact with their father. Just take it slow. Do you even know if new guy will want to take on all this additional baggage?

I haven't told my abusive ex husband that I have a new partner. He found out, and I don't think he was very happy, but I'm beyond caring.