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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is This Abuse? Please help.

40 replies

FormerNymphet · 13/05/2017 12:41

I think I know. I just need to know I am not going mad. I will list the behaviours which make me think he is.
He constantly cheats on me and
then tells me there is something wrong with me if I confront him. I should add this person has Hepatitis C.
He has told me if I leave he will take the children.
He withdraws affection, attention and sex in view of me being cooperative.
He has humiliated in public and in front of people. Although, this does not happen much anymore.
I am completely financially dependant on him.
He has made me borrow money from family members when I did not want to.
He says if I leave he will tell my family all of secrets. I am bisexual and they don't know this. They hate homosexuality.
He seems to enjoy hurting and belittling me.
I am very scared. He has never been physically violent and is fine with the children who are 3 and 1.

OP posts:
Original poster
FormerNymphet · 13/05/2017 12:42

I will add he is 28 years older than me I am 26.

OP posts:
Original poster
FormerNymphet · 13/05/2017 12:44

Also, it is the woman he cheats on me with that has Hepatitis. I did not make that clear.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 13/05/2017 12:45

Leave. He is abusive. He can't take the children away from you . Even if he tells your family that you're bisexual you can deny it if you want or tell them and they'll have to deal with it. There's nothing wrong with bisexuality.

QuiteLikely5 · 13/05/2017 12:45

Ring Woman's Aid, yes he is abusive.

No one will believe him. He is using it as a stick to hear you with (your sexuality) No wonder your bi living with a monster like this!!!

Huskylover1 · 13/05/2017 12:45

Of course that's abusive. Just leave him (easier said than done, I know), but it is definitely do-able. He won't get the kids. Not a cat in hells chance. If he tells your family you are bi-sexual, just deny it (if you don't want them to know). Can you go and stay at your parents? Leave when he is at work. Pack up and go.

FrenchMartiniTime · 13/05/2017 12:49

You said yourself you already know.

It's pretty obvious!

You need to get away from this man ASAP.

Flowers
Original poster
FormerNymphet · 13/05/2017 12:52

My parents would take a dim view of me turing up with my children and no money.

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheets · 13/05/2017 12:56

Yes it's abuse www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

Please get some support - and you don't have to go to your parents - there are other options

Original poster
FormerNymphet · 13/05/2017 13:11

Thanks for your replies.
He will go completely mad when I leave him so I need to have a foolproof plan. I will try and contact Women's Aid tomorrow.

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheets · 13/05/2017 13:12

yes you do need a plan - do this as safely as you can - Women's Aid will be able to help - good luck xxx

Original poster
FormerNymphet · 13/05/2017 13:20

However, we have joint debts such as overdue council tax. Will they be able to help with that?

OP posts:
Original poster
FormerNymphet · 13/05/2017 16:49

I

OP posts:
nachogazpacho · 13/05/2017 17:14

Cab are great for free advice on finances, benefits etc. Citizens advice bureau. Look up online where they will be in your area and book an appointment with them.

nicknameofawesome · 13/05/2017 17:51

You need women's aid, refuge or cab. They can help you make a plan to get out. Please get out and be safe.

Original poster
FormerNymphet · 13/05/2017 19:12

This sounds so pathetic but I don't have any friends to talk to so I keep commenting on this post to keep it live so people will talk to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
FormerNymphet · 13/05/2017 19:13

He is now being ultra nice to me even though I caught him cheating last night.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 13/05/2017 19:22

Please be careful about your browser history if there's any chance he has access to your devices, use private browsing or delete history if you're using MN or looking for sources of support.

Abuse often escalates when the abuser senses their control over you is slipping so you need to maintain as much normality around him as possible and get a plan together with Women's Aid to get you out safely. They can help you with sorting out housing, debts etc too but they get really busy so you'll need to be prepared to be persistent to get through and also chase up the help you need throughout the process.

It's terrifying, the idea that you have to turn yours and your DC's lives upside down but it will only be scary for a short term period until you've settled into your new life whereas living with the level of abuse you're suffering must mean being scared every day of your life if you stay Flowers

Secretlife0fbees · 13/05/2017 19:26

OP the fact that you even need to ask whether this is abusive speak volumes! You poor thing. He is a complete and utter cunt.
I think you need to start making plans to leave this awful excuse for a human being. The good thing is that your dc are young enough to come out of this pretty much unscathed emotionally imo.
Definitely ring womens aid. Why haven't you got any friends or support in real life - I am only asking because I wondered whether he had engineered it so you were isolated from previous friends... if so, is there any way you could reconnect with anyone?
If you have a look at the freedom programme online you can pay £10 and do the online course which is really enlightening and and empowering. I think you need to start building up your own strength right now, don't tell him but find out about your financial situation and what you'd be entitled to (benefits wise) arm yourself with as much info as possible.
What the hell is going on with the heptatitis skank anyway, how did that come about?
Post on here, there are loads of great women who will provide online support... I've recently separated from my stbxh and it helped me sooooo much to post and read and gain some insight (even though some was hard to hear believe me - but all true) my dc are 4 and 10 and so a little more of a challenge with the 10yo but they are both fine now.

Theducksarenotmyfriends · 13/05/2017 19:31

Oh love, you really need to get out of there asap. Please call women's aid, this is not a normal relationship.

FlamingoPrincess1212 · 13/05/2017 19:36

Hi OP if it's not too dangerous to say, what reigion are you in. I'm sure people will help you if they can. x

Secretlife0fbees · 13/05/2017 19:38

Keep talking to us! People care and you'll get some wonderful support on here Former... most of us are at various stages of leaving with dc and know how hard it can be believe me.

Original poster
FormerNymphet · 13/05/2017 22:26

I am Church of England.
My friends have been driven away by him.
I have long lost them.

OP posts:
Original poster
FormerNymphet · 13/05/2017 22:30

The hepatitis person is his ex that he keeps fucking. I feel sorry for her I think she is also in the same position as me.

OP posts:
Original poster
FormerNymphet · 13/05/2017 22:32

Thanks for talking to me. I am pretty lonely.

OP posts:
Dearohdeer · 13/05/2017 22:35

I'm up if you just need the company OP Brew

Can you tell us where abouts in the country you are, there might be someone local who can help?

You really do need to be careful. Don't let him know anything is wrong. Has he ever been violent?

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