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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is anyone awake who can chat

44 replies

minime88 · 12/05/2017 23:30

Just that really

OP posts:
AuntyElle · 12/05/2017 23:32

Yes, sure. What's on your mind!

AuntyElle · 12/05/2017 23:32

? not !

Original poster
minime88 · 12/05/2017 23:33

Is it abuse when a man pokes a woman in the face and calls her a bitch when he's drunk? Even if she started it because she pushed him?

OP posts:
pnutter · 12/05/2017 23:34

Hi

KindleBueno · 12/05/2017 23:35

Hiya. Hope you're OK Flowers

AuntyElle · 12/05/2017 23:36

Yes. Are you away from him now? Somewhere safe? (Assuming it happened to you.)

Doyoumind · 12/05/2017 23:37

Wax the incident a one off. Did the man on the woman decide it was the woman's fault?

Doyoumind · 12/05/2017 23:37

Man or woman!

skyzumarubble · 12/05/2017 23:37

Hi, yes of course it is. Do you want to tell us more?

Offred · 12/05/2017 23:39

Why did the woman push the man?

Original poster
minime88 · 12/05/2017 23:40

But if women push men aren't we abusive too?

He's never done anything like that before. Managed to get him to go to bed in spare room. He has psychiatric problems at the moment. Usually on a come down from drink he'll harm himself or at least threaten to do so. I would call an ambulance but they never end up doing anything like admitting him because he's been drinking. This is the first time it's ever been like this and I'm scared for him and myself.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 12/05/2017 23:40

Did she physically push him? And why did she push him?

Iamdobby63 · 12/05/2017 23:42

Seen the update, sounds quite toxic at the moment and the concern is that it could escalate unless action is taken.

Moanyoldcow · 12/05/2017 23:42

Why was he pushed?

MangosAndPapayas · 12/05/2017 23:46

What do you mean by a push and why did you push him?

A push could mean gentle pushing back against someone inappropriately invading your space that doesn't really move them and is more an assertion of your space "Sorry.Do you mind." That kind of push is probably not abusive.

A push could mean a violent and aggressive shove with two hands that sends someone tumbling down the stairs. That kind of push is probably abusive.

I say probably because context may make a difference.

There are a whole range of pushes on a scale in between.

What kind of push are you talking about?

But on any view poking someone in the face is aggressive, abusive and unpleasant. Accompanied by verbal abuse then it is abusive.

Offred · 12/05/2017 23:46

It really depends why you pushed him.

Whether it was aggressive or defensive.

Original poster
minime88 · 12/05/2017 23:47

I pushed him. He was in A&E last week with everything. Psychiatric nurse involved and now been a week of contacting services in the hope of things improving. He made a lot of promises. Then he disappears tonight. Comes back drunk. I was devasted, crying, really angry. I pushed him and told him to leave.

OP posts:
Offred · 12/05/2017 23:49

For example if he has a history of frightening you when he has been drinking and you pushed him away when he started on you verbally then no, that is not abusive and his response was designed to put you in your place for standing up to him.

If you pushed him aggressively to hurt him when he was doing nothing then that would be abusive and he would have been responding in kind.

Iamdobby63 · 12/05/2017 23:50

I'm sorry OP this isn't easy but you can't live like this. Does he have anywhere else he can go or can you? Think it's at the stage he will need to prove himself in order to regain your confidence in him. Do you have children?

AuntyElle · 12/05/2017 23:50

As he's in the same house as you, and sounds unpredictable, call 101? Tomorrow perhaps you can speak to his GP or MH contact and explain that his behaviour has changed?

Offred · 12/05/2017 23:52

BUT if the BEST case scenario here is that you are both abusing each other (in your mind, I doubt most reasonable people would conclude that as I suspect it was the first example I gave) then really what are you doing still with him?

Offred · 12/05/2017 23:54

If you are living together as a bare minimum you need to live separately while he sorts out his mental health.

And if you call the police tonight it will help get the services to listen to you that he really needs support.

Police usually have an on call doctor for MH situations like this.

Original poster
minime88 · 12/05/2017 23:54

I have no where to go. He has no proper family or friends. Because he was only in A&E I don't have a number for anyone specific. I can call 101 though. I am 25 weeks pregnant.

OP posts:
Offred · 12/05/2017 23:57

Call 101 then.

If you do then they will be able to page the MH professional that works with them.

Or you can call 111 for healthcare advice.

Reports will be made to SS and the more reports the better IME with my daughter. It makes it harder for them to ignore you.

AuntyElle · 12/05/2017 23:57

Do call 101. And then his GP tomorrow if you don't have another contact. I'm sorry, it must be so hard especially when you are pregnant as well Flowers

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