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Relationships

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Original poster

DH and drugs

51 replies

orchardroad · 12/05/2017 12:34

DH has gone abroad for a stag weekend. Just used his iPad and emails were open, saw a message from his friend saying 'you can ask a guy at xx bar about getting the cocaine'.

I'm 7 months pregnant and we have a 3 year old. When we were younger we did take drugs from time to time but now we have a family I just feel it's inappropriate. He's 37 and a managing director of a big compnay ffs.

I am also very worried about him cheating after taking cocaine.

Feel rubbish and let down.

OP posts:

mrelse173836423493274 · 13/05/2017 01:13

I'll go to bed now and I'm sorry if I hijacked the thread, I didn't mean to, I've just sat in the background for years reading the bashing all over this board.

OP. I'm sorry I went off on one. I personally think your feeling a little insecure about your partner cheating after doing cocaine. From where I stand, if your partner is doing it all the time and secretly too then there is a problem. If this is a one off talk to him about it and tell him how you feel, if it's every weekend I'd have a problem too as you should have. I'm maybe a bit more liberal about things but like my partner who said she was never going to do it ever again and did, it's not a big deal to me. She does it maybe 3 times a year. I know about it, she enjoys it and so be it. My partner as far as I know hasn't become addicted to it, isn't secretly doing it. It's just a recreational thing. It doesn't make her a bad person in my eyes or irresponsible or more likely to cheat.

All the best.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 13/05/2017 04:03

We do trust the source and I suppose I wouldn't take random stuff from off the street.

Everyone thinks this, but you never really know. I know two people (completely unrelated) who have died from taking contaminated cocaine. In the last few months. It's fucking irresponsible and gambling with your life and health. "Drugs are bad" YES THEY ARE.

Original poster

orchardroad · 13/05/2017 08:44

I wasn't posting here for people to tell me if drugs are bad or not. As for cutting my DH some slack; is that a joke?! He's away for a full weekend, taking drugs, putting himself at risk and as I know him (and his friends) I do think the drugs could lead to situations which I wouldn't be comfortable with - strip clubs or worse. The weekend, the alcohol, the partying - I'm fine with that. The drugs and the effects on his behaviour and judgement is what I have a problem with.

Just because we occasionally did drugs in the past doesn't mean we can't agree that it's not right to do now. Plus, he'd definitely not be happy if I left him alone all weekend with a toddler to go off and get off my face until 7am and do god knows what else.

Yes I feel insecure and vulnerable and uncomfortable with the situation and no I don't know what I'm expecting from this thread apart from some support or maybe ideas on how to broach things with him when he comes back.

Thanks Offred for your understanding.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 13/05/2017 08:52

I really feel for you OP.

In addition to your fears about drug use and the effect on his behaviour, I fear you'll also be dealing with a liar who will say whatever is needed so that he can do what he wants without negativity.

I can't abide selfish liars and if this is a trait your dh has, you'll never be able to trust a word he says as he's all about himself with no regard or respect for you and his soon to be born child.

heron98 · 13/05/2017 09:21

Actually, I agree with mrelse.

He isn't doing it every week, he's on a stag do and having fun. I don't think cocaine = cheating at all, and he is an adult who can make his own choices. This isn't impacting on you or the children so I don't see the problem. You may disapprove for moral/legal reasons but those are your reservations, and you don't have the right to demand he share them.

Original poster

orchardroad · 13/05/2017 09:30

So it's ok for him to be against me going out all weekend with friends to take drugs (not that I'd want to) but he can because he's an adult and a free person? Ok.

I'm pretty liberal. My DH does mainly what he likes. But as I said I know how he reacts on drugs and it isn't good a good mix for being faithful. Maybe I'm wrong about this instance but it's my gut feeling. Maybe you or your partner wouldn't cheat after taking cocaine. I'm taking about my DH here.

OP posts:

BastardGoDarkly · 13/05/2017 09:53

What do you mean ' how he reacts' ? I'm not sure why you're so convinced he'll cheat? Is he abroad?

I guess all you can do is tell him when he comes back that you don't like it, that you worry about his decision making when he's high, and you really don't want him doing it anymore.

I hope you get some peace this weekend

BastardGoDarkly · 13/05/2017 09:54

Sorry, just seen he is abroad, Amsterdam?

BastardGoDarkly · 13/05/2017 09:55

Oh, and if you're not ' allowed' equal freedom, that's wrong, you should both be able to spend an equal amount of time away.

CoteDAzur · 13/05/2017 09:59

"It's the effects that the drugs will have on mh DH which is what I am concerned about."

One weekend isn't going to affect anyone's mental health. Surely you know that as someone who has dabbled in the past.

CoteDAzur · 13/05/2017 10:10

"It's fucking irresponsible and gambling with your life and health"

Just like bungee jumping, parachuting, and skiing.

I have no problem with an adult drinking, eating, snorting, popping, or smoking whatever he likes into his own body. It's his life and his decision.

The problem here is between OP and her DH. He wants to do something that she feels is "inappropriate". If he goes ahead and does it, it will be a problem between them.

newnameoldme · 13/05/2017 10:16

i think it's worth remembering that even as a married couple we're still autonomous individuals and that you're quite within your rights to tell him why you disapprove etc but as you already know your husbands attitude is one of a weekend away from life.. you already know each other pretty well and actually openness and honesty is the most important factor.
if you harangue your partner to such an extent that they can't be honest with you that would be a dangerous position.
it is possible to indulge occasionally in the spirit of the occasion and afterwards to think well that was a twattish waste of time won't be doing that in a hurry, we all grow up
i do take your point about the risk of infidelity or dodgy behaviour being more likely if he is taking cocaine and in that kind of company. you can only tell him your fears and let him make those choices

FizzyGreenWater · 13/05/2017 10:24

I know he won't volunteer the information either; he might admit it if I ask him specifically. He sees these weekends as a release from life

he is secretive. There's no way that he won't be taking the drugs either. They all will be.

he would not be happy at all if I was away with friends and taking drugs.

I know how he reacts on drugs and it isn't good a good mix for being faithful. Maybe I'm wrong about this instance but it's my gut feeling. Maybe you or your partner wouldn't cheat after taking cocaine. I'm taking about my DH here.

So he's an untrustworthy hypocrite, basically. And that's coming from the person who loves him.

I'd be pretty unhappy at this being the husband and dad of my children, and it wouldn't simply be because he is ok with taking cocaine on a stag weekend. The concerns clearly run much, much deeper.

I would be prepared to have a serious think to myself on whether this is the person and the relationship for me long-term. Oh, and to considder that the signs are all there that this is the kind of person who is likely, at some point, to have an affair.

FizzyGreenWater · 13/05/2017 10:25

Oh and I'm astonised at the number of posters totally missing the point here.

TheoriginalLEM · 13/05/2017 10:29

cocaine? strip clubs?

Does this man have any redeeming qualities?

TheoriginalLEM · 13/05/2017 10:31

Last time i checked cocaine is illegal. It is a class A drug isn't it?

I judge people who take drugs, more so if they have children

rararaa · 13/05/2017 11:09

I think people are missing something here. Coke is known to make you really horny, impulsive, confident sometimes agressive and selfish. Thats why the OP is worried about her DP cheating or getting into trouble.

Since he's already gone OP I don't think there is much you can do for now except try and put it out of your mind till he comes home.

When he comes home I think you should tell him you're not comfortable with this. I would go from the angle of how he has kids and responsibilites now, rather than him cheating.If he got arrested for this even if he only got a caution he could lose his job. If he got in a car accident, even if it was unrelated to the drugs they could want to do a blood/ urine test to make sure he wasnt high and again, he could lose his job since it stays in your system for a few days. . Don't come down shouting at him but try and explain your reasoning as best you can. Its not fair really, for him to get into such a state at this point in your lives.

I don't know what industry he works in, but in mine, if someone reports someone for drug taking the person accused can be asked to do a urine sample. We've had quite senior people who've been fired for having a spliff more than a week ago. These senior people can include directors becuase they drive company cars.

Good luck OP. It sounds like he needs to grow up now.

mrelse173836423493274 · 13/05/2017 11:39

I am gobsmacked at some of the responses.

If your partner wants to go out and do this every weekend which it doesn't seem like he is then that is his choice and it's your choice to put up with it or not.

There seems to be several issues here. Lack of trust, insecurity and you being able to have time off too. I am at times left with 3 young kids while my partner is away and I feel every couple should have the ability to have their own time away.

I understand there are all kinds of thoughts in your head but what can you do. Has he cheated before, do you think he will cheat. I don't get that feeling if my partner is out drinking or doing other stuff. She goes has her fun and comes back.

Isn't it possible that he's just going to drink have a bit of fun have a hangover come home and not want to do it for a very long time again?

mrelse173836423493274 · 13/05/2017 11:40

I just want to add that if he is allowed to do this then you should be too.

e1y1 · 13/05/2017 11:43

ignore the whole 'drugs are bad' people on here

Yes, I regularly pop in to Boots for a gram of cocaine .

I'm really anti drugs - DH and I have never done them. So in your shoes OP, I would be raging.

TheoriginalLEM · 13/05/2017 11:46

yeah just ignore us silly billies who think its important to live within the law. I just associate drugs with skanky people - i couldn't give a fuck if they are naice midfle class MDs. It would be an absolute deal breaker for me

JaneEyre70 · 13/05/2017 11:52

I would have serious issues with it too OP. Can you contact him to say you've seen the message and are less than impressed with it? Perhaps remind him that he has a wife and children whose future he is taking chances with? I'd be beyond fuming and equally terrified. Taking illegal drugs is never acceptable whether you have kids or not - life is too bloody precious to risk in such a stupid way. There is no "safe" illegal drug - they are so for a reason! I hope you aren't getting too stressed OP.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 13/05/2017 11:58

Men on cocaine are awful, just awful. This wouldn't be for me.

pumpkin321 · 13/05/2017 12:24

I agree, that the issue here seem to be a complete lack of trust within your relationship. Doing some coke should not lead your husband to be unfaithful. Also, the fact he would not allow you to have a similar weekend away with your friends shows a major inequality within the relationship. The secrecy is an issue too. These would be my concerns.

esk1mo · 13/05/2017 13:22

Coke is known to make you really horny, impulsive, confident sometimes agressive and selfish.

and alcohol isnt known for that?! i think more people cheat when they are pissed than when they are on coke. if anything cocaine sobers people up a bit.

i think the fact that your DP still enjoys binge drinking & strip clubs at his age is more of a problem than taking cocaine once a year.

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