Manchild or is it me?

[Frustrationstations]

Warning : long and petty....
Hope somebody is awake, I have just walked home alone in the early hours crying from my supposed boyfriend's house. He doesn't live far away and no , I haven't been drinking.
I have had a hectic few months for various reasons. After spending much of the day with him (my day off, he's on leave).
I went home to do some chores and agreed to be at his for 8. We'd originally agreed to eat together, he was going to cook, v rare occurrence in our relationship and was a last minute arrangement.
He was annoyed that I couldn't get there before 8 as he was hungry. I have bad tummy due to meds side effects so said he should just sort out his own food and I'd come at 8 as planned. He went off in a huff.
A friend dropped by mine 7ish and I didn't get all my jobs done, plus my wifi went down so spent a lot of time trying to sort that too. One chore was a basic admin task and I spoke to him prior to me going and asked if I could complete it at his otherwise would be even later. He was amenable to this and said we could watch a film.
I got to his and he was decidedly offish with me and sat down on the other side of the room doing his hobby while I got on with my jobs.
He was not near the telly nor able to see it and left me with some crap channel 5 benefits show so I switched over to watch a thriller I've been enjoying. Tried to engage him in convo, no joy, struggled with my task so it took longer than planned, asked for help/advice, his advice was not good so I didn't take up his suggestion, he muttered about it having wasted the evening. Anyway, sorry, this is looooong...
I finished said chore, he disappeared for ages then came back said he needed bread and did I want to come, by now was about 10pm/1030 so I declined. While he was out I started getting ready for bed but waited up for him in pjs despite being knackered (long term health issues)
He returned, got his laptop out and sat away from me again, I moved in for a cuddle and he got irritated saying I choose my moments: he was now occupied and as I'd been 'effectively working all night' I can't just demand attention now that I'm free while he's now busy.
He said let's watch a show we both like then proceeded to work on his laptop , I ended up falling asleep on sofa so woke up and went to bed.
Woke up about 130 went in lounge to see him and he looked furious but of course denied it and said he was coming to bed. By 230 he still hadn't appeared, of course I was wide awake by now as knowing he was coming to bed couldn't get back to sleep. I have insomnia so by this time I was fully awake.
I sent him SMS as cba to get up again, just saying I missed him in bed.
He then arrived, did the huffing and puffing , got into bed and when I asked if he's ok just stared having a go at me for ruining his night.
Similar thing happened at the weekend but in reverse: I woke up early, he wasn't ready to wake up so I went downstairs to do chores (single mum, two kids, house a tip)
He then followed me downstairs so I said how about we watch a film while I do this one main job then I'll do the rest later. He agreed. I picked a film we both wanted for ages and then he complained he didn't want to waste his Saturday watching me do chores. We ended up having a huge row and he stormed off.
This is not the first or second time he's stripped like this when I've had stuff to do.
I took the day off on Monday to spend with him on his birthday which he said had been an amazing day and thanked me. I saw him tues night and he said yesterday he feels like he's hardly seen me.
God this is waffle I don't it?
Anyway the upshot being, I told him he was being self absorbed and childish and left his house crying .
Perhaps I should have stayed from a safety point of view but didn't want a huge row and didn't want his flat mate to hear it and I felt he was being unreasonable and illogical.
I'm fucking fuming that he didn't show any concern for my safety. I know I'm a grown woman and it's my responsibility not his but still...
I just don't know how to deal with his fragile ego, we have awesome sex, shared sense of humour etc a very loving relationship until I do anything that slights him or challenges his opinion.
I don't know how long I can put up with this, should I just ignore it and carry on doing my thing?
I don't know how to be. I have disabilities, huge house which I can't manage, long story but am financially trapped here, two small kids plus two jobs and he can be so empathic, kind and thoughtful but other times he's a mean cunt.
I'm not expert in relationships so I might be the one in the wrong.
I feel like I'm always managing his expectations as well as juggling everything else , I really don't know how to deal with this.
Help!!!

Very loving relationship until I do anything that slights him or challenges his opinion.

This stood out for me as well as so similar to my stbxh..it has to be about him and everything else is a slight which he will react to.It got much worse once we were committed so this is a major red flag.
I thought he didn't understand and over reacted but learnt he absolutely does know and chooses to react.
Unless you focus on him when he wants it you have problems..its a draining way to live.
I look back and wish I had left but his "nice side" could be lovely.

Oh my word, this relationship sounds like it needs way too much headspace! relationships dont have to be this much work...

It is indeed too much work and does take up so much headspace when I don't have it to give. My kids need me to be fully present. My illness needs me to minimise stress where possible as my nervous system is attacked 24/7 through disease I can't afford to have unnecessary stressors in my life as life brings enough challenges naturally without me inviting them in. I could just cry. I feel like I've given so much of my time to him. He always says I'm judgemental and selfish and maybe I am judgemental but not selfish, I'm trying to juggle so much, he's not juggling anything but is still supported by friends and family to manage his life, always relying on others including me for favours. I love doing things to help support as I believe relationships should be reciprocal but I am giving so mcu homer then him but he denies this and says I expect too much from him. He's fab with my kids and they are fairing close to him too which is partly why I put up with his drama as I don't want to rock their boat and confuse them.
🙁🙁🙁🙁

Oh, kids will get over it. Better for them to see a supportive reciprocal relationship than you doing all the giving and him doing the taking.

Just think, how much would yur life change if you weren't together? It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and he's just adding to it. I remember leaving ds's dad and suddenly finding life easier as it was one less person making demands of me, which was so counter-intuitive.

What are you actually really getting from this relationshp? Would you miss him, or being in a relationship? Would your life be simpler or harder without him? Better or worse?

I think my life would be beter. I've struggled alone for four years, when he came along (introduced by friends) everything seemed to fit and I was really pleased to have found someone I can see a future with then incrementally he has pushed and pushed my boundaries and I have ended up chasing my tail to please him and fulfil all my commitments .
It's been o hard managing on my own I thought this was my chance to have an equal relationship with someone who really gets it and can support me etc so probably persevered where I should have ended it yonks ago. Everytime we clash like this I end up really upset confused and frustrated as I feel I'm doing my best which is what he says too. He's meant to be coming to hospital at end of the month to meet my support team in order to better understand my condition. I've been really excited about this as thought it might improve things between us but now I feel it will not change things and I'm back on my own again without any one to care about me or support me.
He keeps getting upset saying he's doing everything he can plus more but honestly he isn't. He is also socially anxious and only comfortable around me or his own friends which makes it very hard for us to do anything which isn't him-centric. When I try to arrange new stuff or incorporate different people/activities it often ends in drama too. He is holding me back loads but at the same time I need someone in my corner.
We have fab sex and lots of tender moments but also huge rows which last for days. I'd considered relate but tbh think it would be pointless.

Hermonie2016 he definitely definitely understands. He's very bright and intuitive and I know for a fact if he was observing our relationship from outside and objectively he would say he's being immature. I know I'm not perfect and yes could have handled things better but if I'm honest I'm at the point where I'm treading on eggshells in terms of letting him down, changing plans etc.
I took annual leave for his birthday on Monday and stayed with him from school drop off until I went to bed that night. It was interspersed with collecting the kids (to which he came) and going to his family birthday celebration. He started with family until my two had gone to bed, he then came to mine and stayed till I went to bed (midnight) I stayed up late as was his birthday despite being knackered and work the next day. I often stay up later than I can manage in order to keep him happy even though my body reacts badly and I end up taking annnual leave to sleep or catch up on sleep on my days off while he's working so I can be bright eyed and bushy tailed for him yet when I have free time to do stuff with him he's often exhausted and sleeps thru it all and gets moody when I plan a second choice activity to do while he sleeps.

Aw, life sounds tricky enough for you :( You have a health condition that makes life hard enough, you work, you have kids. It sounds like everything was lovely at first, but gradually he's become less supportive, more needy, less suitable for you. As Jenny said, it's not mandatory to be in a relationship.

ridiculoussingle thanks u for your kind words. I honestly know it's not compulsory. I've always been v independent and happy single much more than in a wrong relationship. I chose to get divorced so I am v self sufficient usually but have huge job insecurity and feel bound by my mortgage plus my condition is degenerative and getting more nd more debilitating, I just wanted one person in my corner and he 'seemed' perfect for me , I put l my eggs in this basket which I know is foolish (hence the saying telling you not to!)
I just don't want to do it alone anymore and thought I had found my partner. Clearly I haven't!

I'm sorry life's so tough for you 💐

It would be lovely to have someone who supports you & fits into your life, but it's not this guy.

Do yourself a massive favour and dump his pathetic arse today. You don't need a socially inept man child making your life more difficult ... and you do know that. You just have to find the balls to tell him to do one.

Although your kids might like him, he's not good for them & your relationship with him is not good for them.

Be strong. Do it. You know you need to.

AnnieAnoniMouse thanks for the flowers and kind words. I know you're right. ANd now I'm struggling to work while upset and exhausted from last night's shenanigans. Have already let Dow a customer this morning due to this, his behavipur has such a big impact. You are right x

I give him all my spare time which is why chores get backed up. We have argued about this numerous times, about how I need time and space to do my own thing. He gets really annoyed, think he sees it all as rejection. I don't know globe to move past this

This sounds very familiar to me, when I was seeing someone who lived alone and had no children. He just didn't understand. I wasn't prioritising chores over him, I was prioritising my DD. Not keeping on top of chores, or anything to do with running a household, does have an impact on those living with you (laundry, cleaning, shopping, sorting bills, just all of it). If you work, then you have certain windows of opportunity. He would complain if I didn't see him at least three times a week and I just didn't find it sustainable, plus I liked to have one night a week "off" from having to do stuff and just have some down time by myself.

In the end, I broke up with him. We needed completely different things from the relationship.

Nabootique this is exactly how it is. The kids end up with ready meals, me not realising they've got homework, uniform not ready, missing out on activities cos I'm knackered etc. I have told him till I'm blue in the face, he apologiess, agrees to be more understanding and reasonable, admits he's over reacted then it happens again and he denies any responsibility, denies he over reacted etc etc. It's a vicious cycle and he gets (or says he does) as upset and frustrated as I do.
It happens again and he starts up with the punishing behaviour which is either spite, sulks or ignoring.
I keep thinking that after each make up and subsequent discussion that we have moved forward then it happens again and he reacts exactly the same again & I end up crying with frustration and he tells me I'm manipulative and that I exaggerate and tries to find chinks in my story, e.g. Yesterday: 'why couldn't you have done said chore while your friend was visiting?' Well a) friend visited in the capacity of customer and b) she brought a small lively hold with her, to have done that work then would have been rude and impossible. After she left I was trying tech support ref wifi problems and couldn't have focussed on chore then.

He wants me to be available every eve and all weekend with or without my kids. He still does what he wants eg visit friends and family but expects me to still be up and available when he's completed his activities.

It's really hard for someone with no children and responsibilities to understand that there are a lot of things that need doing now. I remember pre kids I only needed to clean a fraction of the times I need to clean now as it didn't get dirty with just us 2. Shopping and cooking was easy as it was just us 2 and there were no fussy palates to consider or hungry kids to consider. Washing would be done a couple of times a week instead of twice a day or more. If I was tired after work I came home could make myself some toast and have a few beers. Now I have to take the kids to their clubs, cook and feed the kids, help them with homework or make sure they ahve their pe kits or whatever costume etc they need, put away laundry, change a bed,make sure they're bathed and their teeth are washed properly and the one with eczema has their cream on, make sure they're in bed. Then I get to eat and sit down and have a beer! And I don't work so can do lots of things in the day which you can't.

Instead of being helpful and understanding he's being an arse and even though you're putting yourself out and affecting your health and your job, he's not appreciating it or indeed making the most of it when you do squeeze in some time.

It doesn't sound like you're right for each other.

Cricrichan I agree. I remember pre children wondering why my friends made such a fuss about all their responsibilities ! Now I know! It's killing me trying to fit it all in!

Ah, the toast and beer days!

I totally hear you OP. My ex used to do this "jokey" guilt thing if I found myself having to cancel "Oh, I can't believe you are leaving me all by myself!", send me sad face emoticons, and then pretend it was just a joke, but really he was trying to make me feel bad. He was really very needy, which is just not what you want.

Re your friend visiting, even if it weren't the situation you are describing you are entitled to spend time with friends and for it to be just that. It was another thing I noticed in my relationship, my social life dwindled as nights where I didn't have DD were spent with him, and although he could come out too with friends, sometimes I liked it to be just me and them.

You are better off without this one, I think. In the future, maybe someone in a similar situation might be right for you. I hope you don't feel too bad.

Tell him to fuck off he's a waste of space.

Or someone more understanding, I should have added.

I suspect he wants you in his life - but probably a "you" without the dc and health concerns.

Hi all yes I agree I would be better off with someone in a more similar situation. I had tried dating guys without kids before and swore I wouldn't do it again but he seemed so different. He's very good at appearing reasonable that it's easy to fall for it.
Posters up thread suggest I put chores ahead of him, I honestly don't and never have. I've always made room for him because the times I did prioritise my priorities would make him angry even if he presented as understanding and reasonable somewhere along the line his mask would slip and he'd berate me for my needing time to do my thing.
I barely have a social life due to illness and friends in different life stages, it has been fab having him around for company and to do things with but even then we only do what he wants to do.
Yesterday I had to meet him in town. I rarely go to town so thought I'd do a couple of my own jobs whilst there. He complained about this so I only went into one shop with him as he was so stroppy and made a big deal of it , hAlf joking but clearly not happy that I cba to push anymore. We did about six shops for him. I was hungry at first and thirsty so tried to go somewhere en route which sells the most delicious smoothie and he made such a fuss that I didn't go in , instead choosing something in one of his shops which was 'ok' but not what I'd wanted and not particularly healthy or tasty.

He is a selfish self absorbed demanding stroppy arsehole.

You can do better.

Dump him.

I dont think that he is suitable for you. Its clear he has a different set of priorities can cannot equate his with yours. For your sanity and your health you really should not be with him.

That said, I am confused at how much responsibility he has regarding you leaving at night and your safety. You left, not him. To be honest, men cant win on that one as there are threads here about:

1. Men not texting to see if a partner got home and the partner getting upset (so dont care).
2. Men texting to see if a partner got home and the partner getting upset (too controlling/checking if they went home etc).
3. Men stopping a partner leaving the house during an argument and the partner getting upset. (abusive)

What is the correct course of action?

PyongyangKipperbang I don't think I can do any better. I don't think there's anyone for me. I think I'm destined to go it alone. I only meet men like this. I never meet someone who is honest or truly kind, they always have an agenda. I'm sick to death of being expected to lower my expectations and of being made to feel guilty gar having expectations.
🙁 I feel like such a loser and a twat. What a fucking spectacular waste of fucking time .

You are not a loser or a twat and you absolutely SHOULD have expectations. If you don't, then you'll end up with someone who feels they can shit on you. There are threads full of women who need higher standards on MN. It may take time, but it will be worth it.

I don't know the answer to that scottishdiem I chose to leave, I didn't want to stay and listen to his tirade. I could have stayed and ended up sharing a bed with an angry man but I didn't want to. I could have called a taxi but I a) don't have the cash and b) didn't want to wait with him and c) it's a short walk from his to mine just not a safe walk
I am responsible for me but still, if he'd not been so reactionary it wouldn't have been necessary for me to leave
I could have stayed on sofa but not his flat, didn't want to make it awkward for him with landlord / flat mate plus I need a sleep in a decent bed ideally for the whole night as poor sleep impacts on my pain.
Personally I think he should have walked me home or at least stood at end of alley till I got in. The area I live in is known for violent and sexual attacks but at 3am heavily sedated I wasn't thinking straight just upset and desperate to get away to my own bed.