Lack of sex getting v. depressing

[thishousewontcleanitself]

I've changed my name to post this, I know too many people on here!

Since birth of ds 2.1 years ago, I have had sex with dd twice. Actually, less than that, the second time it didn't really work...

Before I married him, I knew he had a much lower sex drive than me, and a psychological block as regards maintaining an erection - if he gets the idea into his head that it isn't going to happen, it doesn't. This is something that gets better with practice, however, and we practiced a lot! So it was never really an issue.

Since the birth of ds, it has gotten so that he won't even touch me. I put weight on after ds's arrival and am quite lardy atm (size 18) so as you can imagine it's a real confidence booster - not.

He says it's not me, it's him, but I am getting so frustrated - there's only a certain amount of wanking a girl can do before she gets fed up with herself - I just don't know what to do. He won't discuss his problem, he says he's too ashamed, but how is he going to get over it otherwise?

Do I just reconcile myself to a sexless marriage? I don't want to have an affair, I love him.

Quite frankly I could cope if I received any physical affection from him at all, but there's nothing. I feel like I have to throw myself at him, it's always me who initiates a cuddle, he says it's because he feels I'll want sex, which he can't provide, but I've told him a zillion times that all I need is a little hug, it's not necessarily about the sex itself.. but he doesn't listen.

I'm so miserable atm... he was talking about having a sib for ds and I almost died laughing - how the hell are we going to do that if we're not having sex? He then suggested we could maybe have IVF - wtf??? Just so's he doesn't have to have sex with me?

He swears he's not having an affair, but I'm so unhappy I'm not sure I believe him. Can a man just lose all interest in his wife?

Oh, I don't even know if there's anything I can do, I just needed to vent, but I'm so fed up... I feel more like his housekeeper than his wife

oh you poor thing, this is horrible - sex is such an important part of a relationship... and this is hardly good for your confidence... have you told him exactly everything that you have said here?

Show him your post. It speaks volumes to me, and I'm sure it would to him too.

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If it's like my other attempts to talk to him, he would just get very depressed about his inability to 'perform' if I showed him this page, and close in on himself.

We have had this conversation a number of times, I just end up crying, which makes things even worse...

Thanks for replying, though.

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Can you start by just focusing on foreplay and leave full sex out of the equation for a while? If he knows he doesn't have to perform at the end it may relax him a little. I am a size 24 BTW - if you're not confident in your body then it can be detrimental. You've got to love yourself first.

sorry but... you had sex with your dd???

Have you heard about the sensate focus exercises?
really good for getting people reconnected through nonsexual touch, sounds like it would be good for you and dh.

Have a look atthis

I feel for you, my DH has decided that he is 'deeply uncomfortable' having sex in the same house as our DD (5 months old). I pointed out that she was (a) Asleep; (b) at the other end of the house and (c) that it was too cold to put her in the shed so he was going to have to lump it. But I haven't resolved it either. So I'm bloody frustrated too, esp. as he too wants another one!

You can't change anyone IMHO except yourself though so I'm now focusing on losing a bit of weight and feeling better about myself. Hopefully he'll get with the programme later.

Could you try doing something to improve your confidence? I'm doing the hypnosis thing to make me thinner and exercise more.

my dh also has a pretty low sex drive, count myself lucky if i get it more the once a month, I used to always be the one to initiate but cant be bothered with that all the time as be nice to feel desired once in a while, was never ike this with previous partners ...bloody frustrating

Thishouse, sounds to me like your chap is depressed (and not just about his lack of libido). Depression can make people quite selfish and self-obsessed (please note, I am not condeming people with depressive illnesses by saying this, merely stating a fact) which is very hard on the people who are living with a sufferer.Coaxing him towards some sort of counselling might be a good idea once you have ruled out any other problems such as prescrption medication, health issues, major life stresses.
Good luck.

Hiya, your not alone, i feel it could of been me writing this. My husband used to have the best sex drive going and i used to make excuses sometimes just to get out of it as my sex drive wasnt much, then he got depression, his sex drive went out the window, at the beginning i was happy just cuddling, then i hit my sexual peek, guess what i get nothing.

He was on these tablets for his depression that did leave no sex drive but he used to try knowing that 9 times out of 10 he wouldnt ermmm ......... finish, iykwim, then i went with him to the doctors and told him that i wasnt happy with no sex so the doc put him on prozac (spelt wrong), no sex drive whatsoever now, nothing,not even a kiss or cuddle.

Now over the last couple of years i have given up smoking and have ended up on a crutch because i have a crumbling hip, so the weight has piled on. I joined weight watchers in January and i am going to lose the weight, i thought dh has gone off me because of been fat, he says no, just cant be bothered, which doesnt make me feel good.

Cant do anything about the hip but i am thinking if i lose the weight it might make him fancy me again, i told him to ask the doc for viagra, but he wont, says the doc wont give it too him because of depression, he went to see the doc last night and told him that i was going mad no sex and the doc said well she is disabled what does she expect, nice or what, not!!!

So no sex now since last May, i am lucky if i get a peck on the cheek. I am sure i will have to replace vibrators soon lol they are looking a little worn out lol

Sorry for hijacking your thread just wanted to let you know you not alone, hope things get better for you soon though

The ivf thing, no way, bit extreme

Good luck xx

thehousewontcleanitself and heypickme, Could alot of this be down to having children? - I mean dont get me wrong - we all adore our children and wouldnt give them back for the world but ive noticed, and think its very natural that having babies can really put a strain on sex life - I suppose because the sleepless nights or the busy days taking care of them can leave us all feeling very tired - our kids come first and I think we all sometimes may forget to make a little time for ourselves and our partners - do ye have anyone who could take your child for the night? maybe make a little "special time" for just the two of ye? - possibly cook or rent a dvd, mabey a bottle of wine? - I think when there is pressure surrounding sex or one or other partner feels they sort of have to "put out" - it takes away from it so if you have a night like this dont have sex on the brain (I know its hard in this situation) - just see how it goes and where the night takes you...no pressure for either partner.

I also think that investing in some nice underware may make you feel more sexy and less conscious and your partner may really be turned on at something different and the effort you have made - you can get fab little sets in anne summers that hide what you want to and emphatsise what you want it to (I recently bought a little number that hides my tummy which im conscious of, pushes my boobs up (so theyre not at my knees ) and hides the top of my tighs - I feel less conscious in it and dp loves it as its something different! - sometimes when youre with someone for a number of years, the sex life needs to be "spiced up" as the same thing, over and over can feel monotonous or boring.

maybe suprise him in something like this?

This prob isnt any help and I hope I didnt get too personal, it must be awful for you.

Hiya

I wish i could blame it on the kids lol but mine are grown up, 15 and 12 so not a lot of looking after needed.

Honestly when your as fat as me, even Ann summers cant help. Its extremely hard to look sexy and act it when you have a crutch constantly attached to you.

I told him the other night that i was fed up with the lack of sex and cuddles and kissess and he said hopefully with the summer coming in it might lift his depression which will then maybe improve things, i told him it had better or i will go elsewhere, no reaction whatsoever to that. I GIVE UP

I appreciate your taking the time to suggest some things maybe they will help thishouse...

heypickme, I feel so sad for you - I hate to hear you say
"Honestly when your as fat as me, even Ann summers cant help. Its extremely hard to look sexy and act it when you have a crutch constantly attached to you."

It sounds that you have absolutely no confidence in yourself whatsoever - this is awful. I have always thought that all women are beautiful, in their own unique way - you would probably feel ridiculous but why dont you stand in front of the mirror and make yourself pick out something you do find attracive about yourself? there has to be something and then focus on that.

You could also try affirmations - I know they too can make you feel silly but do it on your own and there is no one to look silly for. I think each morning, you look in the mirror and say a few times: (something like) "I am a strong, confident and sexy women" - I think this is supposed to be really good for confidence (I know it sounds stupid)

I think its like the "you need to love yourself before you can be loved" - think this is the same thing - you need to feel attractive yourself to be appreciated as this.

I really hope things go well for you

(by the way ann summers do up to size 24 and shops on ebay go alot higher into the 30's)

Thanks, i appreciate your reply, maybe your right.

Thishousewontcleanitself, how are things going now with your dh?? hope things are working out for you xx

Hi Thehousewont...

it sounds like your really mourning the loss of your own sexuality. that it is being denied you.
It is not fair that a woman in her prime should have to be in your position. It isnt the be all and end all but it is a major part of a loving relationship and you have every right to be fulfiled sexually.

Have you been to see a sex therapist? Even on your own might be of some help. And then involve dh.

Poor you.

I know how it feels to be with someone who isnt interested and it is soul destroying.

A) VIBRATOR !! []
B) NEW MAN []
C) AFFAIR []
D) D.I.Y []
E) TALK []

PLEASE SELECT ONE OF THE ABOVE !

well i have tons of vibrators, sick of DIY and have talked till i am blue in the face so i guess that leaves an affair with a new man

Thank you very much for all your replies.

Barbie, it's not lack of sleep, ds has been a brilliant sleeper since day 1 and although he's an active toddler, I doubt he's the cause of dp's problems.

Thanks for the suggestion re. sexy underwear, even when I was a size 10 dp has had no interest in underwear unless it's to get it off me, he really doesn't like that sort of thing so dressing up is not an option - believe me, I've tried in the past!

Bellarosa, thanks for your posts, I do feel denied, and it's not making me a happy bunny. This is now seeping into other aspects of our relationship and it can't go on.

I agree that counselling is probably the way forward for us, it's just a matter of getting him in there... wish me luck...

He needs to see a doctor before a counsellor. He could have a medical condition behind this and any counsellor worth his salt would want to make sure a medical cause is ruled out.

Medications can also affect libido.

I feel very for you.

TBH, if I were stuck in a relationship like this, I'd find a way to have an affair w/a married man in a similar situation.

i am in this position too!

My DH has no sex drive whatsoever, sex is a total chore to him, I always initiate it, he does 3 mins of foreplay (during which you can tell he's bored) and then we're off in usual position. He orgasms, I don't and he thinks 'great, that's me off the hook for another couple of months' - it drives me mad!!

He's very affectionate with holding hands, kissing, cuddling, he tells me he loves me, I look nice etc etc. He is a fabulous dad, wonderful around the house, we get on great and he makes me laugh but the sex thing is a MASSIVE problem (but only for me apparently)

We have talked and talked and talked till I'm blue in the face (and usually in tears) and nothing ever changes. I guess you just can't make someone fancy you..

One day at work about 8mths ago I had 'a moment' with a bloke I know fancied me. We ended up kissing, then shagging and since then he's my regular 'fuck buddy'. I see him about once every 6/8 weeks for a really good session and it's fabulous. He's married too and in the same position that he loves his wife but she doesn't like sex.

It feels so good to be wanted and with someone who is enthusiastic about sex. It has done wonders for my confidence and made me a lot happier at home. I no longer mither my husband to death about sex and it doesn't matter now if ours is shit cos i know i'll be getting some good stuff in a few weeks.

It's not an ideal solution of course and wish it was my DH I was having fab sex with but have accepted that that's not going to happen.

Just wanted to share my experience.

I see where you're coming from, xena.

I'm not in this situation, but one of my good friends is, and she also has a 'friend with benefits' she's been seeing for a few years.

Definitely see your GP and get a referral to a sex therapist/marriage counsellor. No other way forward except affair and IMHO it would be better to take that route having ALREADY explored the therapist route...

I agree, Anna.

Marriage is about compromise, and that may include where there are diffs in sex drive.