Lack of sex getting v. depressing

[thishousewontcleanitself]

I've changed my name to post this, I know too many people on here!

Since birth of ds 2.1 years ago, I have had sex with dd twice. Actually, less than that, the second time it didn't really work...

Before I married him, I knew he had a much lower sex drive than me, and a psychological block as regards maintaining an erection - if he gets the idea into his head that it isn't going to happen, it doesn't. This is something that gets better with practice, however, and we practiced a lot! So it was never really an issue.

Since the birth of ds, it has gotten so that he won't even touch me. I put weight on after ds's arrival and am quite lardy atm (size 18) so as you can imagine it's a real confidence booster - not.

He says it's not me, it's him, but I am getting so frustrated - there's only a certain amount of wanking a girl can do before she gets fed up with herself - I just don't know what to do. He won't discuss his problem, he says he's too ashamed, but how is he going to get over it otherwise?

Do I just reconcile myself to a sexless marriage? I don't want to have an affair, I love him.

Quite frankly I could cope if I received any physical affection from him at all, but there's nothing. I feel like I have to throw myself at him, it's always me who initiates a cuddle, he says it's because he feels I'll want sex, which he can't provide, but I've told him a zillion times that all I need is a little hug, it's not necessarily about the sex itself.. but he doesn't listen.

I'm so miserable atm... he was talking about having a sib for ds and I almost died laughing - how the hell are we going to do that if we're not having sex? He then suggested we could maybe have IVF - wtf??? Just so's he doesn't have to have sex with me?

He swears he's not having an affair, but I'm so unhappy I'm not sure I believe him. Can a man just lose all interest in his wife?

Oh, I don't even know if there's anything I can do, I just needed to vent, but I'm so fed up... I feel more like his housekeeper than his wife

I tend to think that if there are major differences in a couple about quantity and/or quality of sex, there are other major unresolved issues hanging around that need sorting, probably with a therapist.

Great sex is SO good for people... makes you SO happy... just nothing else like it...

Do be very careful about considering having a 'friend with benefits' - and you really do have to get your husband to get some counselling or medical advice about why he's gone off sex. I speak from experience. My dh didn't touch me for 10 years after our daughter was born. After 3 years I had a brief fling with an ex-bf, and after a gap of not seeing him, I was seriously ill and thought, the hell with it, got back in touch with the bh and he turned into a 'friend with benefits. Eventually my dh confronted me, and suggested Relate, but by then I'd forgotten what it was to fancy him and though I agreed to Relate, he gave up and left. I had to try to explain all this to our dd, who was now 10 years old, and for 2+ years things were very hard as she was old enough to understand what had happened, but not the emotions. It took a lot of care and love to get her to accept me and the ex-bf, who is now my partner and, I hope, the love of the rest of my life. We're very happy, but I do sometimes think that if I'd addressed the problem with my ex-husband, we might still have been together.

So the moral is, tackle him about it, and get some help now - don't leave it 10 years as I did!!

By the way, when I asked my DH why he'd gone off me, he said that seeing our daughter born had been a turn off! Now there's an angle to having partners at the birth that isn't talked of often!

tanee58 - you've raised a very interesting point.

I didn't want my partner around for the birth. Or anyone else for that matter, except for one midwife.

He'd already had two sons with his ex-wife and been present at the birth of both of them. He was quite clear that the experience had been a sexual turn-off (and he wasn't at all sure that his presence had been useful in any way either).

I find it totally unnatural for fathers to be present at the birth. My mother was around at the hospital (though not in the delivery room) and had my sister been in the same country and available I would have welcomed her presence soon after the birth. Both my mother and sister were incredibly useful and supportive during pregnancy and in the early months.

I actually feel that my relationship with my partner is much better for not having had him involved in the messier biological aspects of pregnancy and childbirth.

Whatever excuses etc. that people might come up with (not fancying you/seeing you in childbirth/tiredness) this comes down to his inability to perform. This makes him feel utterly crap and depressed.

It's difficult when one (or both) partners require a zen-like state of relaxation to have enjoyable sex, because that is never goign to happen with children in the house!

Like you say, this needs regular practice. Is there ANY WAY you can build in a regular child-free slot into your week or month?

The problem with counselling is that you also need some child-free time - sex counselling will require a lot of practical sessions and if he is unable to perform with dd in the house, this isn't his fault - this is just the way it is. Weekends away etc. are not really much help if they are irregular - it needs to be a regular event to take the pressure off him.

Have you tried medical help like viagra etc? Sometimes a small dose of that will at least reassure him that he IS going to perform, so will take some of the pressure off.

Alternatively, if he is willing to perform in a non-penetrative way, maybe you could consider discussing that with him - i.e. he gives you oral sex once a week with no pressure on him to perform in any other way. You will need to compromise I'm afraid - he is not going to be two foot long and hard as steel on a regular basis, so you need to think about ways he can please you without using his penis.

He DOESN'T sound like he's lost all interest in you. He just sounds like he has lost all confidence in himself and you are in a rut. He is undoubtedly painfully aware of how you feel. Sex lives can have bad years and good years. Don't start thinking that you are committing yourself to a sexless marriage. There WILL be good times again, but you will have to work at them.

I'll rummage out some book recommendations for you later on...

He might have a medical condition so should see his doctor as it's a problem for you even though he doesn't see it as one.

Also it didn't sound from the thread as if you were very happy to be size 18 so may be getting back to what you were might make you feel better and help things.

Does he masturbate?

thishousewontcleanitself (phew-long name!!)

I really feel for you.... I am and have been in your position. I have been married 20 years and I could have almost written your post. I'm sure you feel that if you could just have some affection, you could cope and work on that. However, without affection you feel dead inside.

The only advice I really have to offer is.... Do something now. I did try over a period of about 5 years to put things right... get help etc., but I got nowhere and after a while it upset me so so much that I sort of closed down. I then spent a good 10 years in my 'head in the sand' period, as I call it. Not good.

I am now in the position of looking back and wishing more than anything I pushed all those years ago to try and put it right. God knows, I tried but to live life without sex and affection is a killer.

Heypickme and Xenabelly... I feel for you.. I understand everything you have written. A woman cannot survive and live her life without feeling wanted and desired, albeit in a physical way.

How refreshing that no-one yet has come on here ranting and raving about how disgusting it is that anyone is fulfilling their physical needs outside of marriage -friend with benefits. Unless you have been in that position, you cannot understand how agonising and deeply upsetting it is. TBH it is a way of holding a marriage together... not ideal I know but if you love your DH, you feel its something you have to do.

This aint gonna help... but I lost nearly 4 stones in weight and it still didn't make my DH fancy me... sorry to throw that one in.

And Tannee58... absolutely right. I have left it and am still with DH.

Hi there new to site woundered if i could join in .

xenabelly and the other deprived wives! Sex IS important and I wouldn't feel bad getting it somewhere else if dh was breaking the vow, love is wanting the other person to be happy and satisfied, my problem is a little the same, dh and I have sex about twice per week but it's me that initiates and the same position and bang he gets off and that's it, he has done his job No foreplay except for me getting him up, and the other days of the week even when I'm home I hear him wanking in the bathroom WTF, I have the figure of a model, so it's not that I don't look great, I am 5'6 weigh 120lb!!! He says that sometimes I'm angry towards him and that makes him not in the mood, but it's always the day after I've heard him wanking in the bathroom so he is a liar, he would rather wank than have sex!!!!!!!!!!!!

am in similar situation to you Zenabelly..but not with an FB - going to show DH this thread tonight to see if this might have an effect

Feel particularly down this evening as have been turned down by yet another job

Boobsgonesouth - did you show your hubby this thread-what did he say? Am interested...

I told one of my friends about my 'fuck buddy' (she knows about my terrible sex life and how miserable it makes me). I really needed to talk it through with someone. She was great and said that she thinks that even though 90% of my life if fab with hubby, the 10% that is sex life is so bad and making me so upset that it's spoiling the other 90% of our lives together (which is true).

She reckoned I was actually 'saving my marriage by getting it elsewhere'...what a great friend!

needless to say I paid my buddy a short visit yesterday for a much needed ego boost and have had a lovely family weekend with me in a great mood and me and hubby getting on brilliantly cos i feel good about myself.

Pile in Nogin