To say " I Do" ???

[Confused1983]

OK, I really need some advice here as im not sure whats wrong with me. Ive name changed as I don't want anyone to recognise me. Ill also try not to drip feed.

Ive been with DP for 8 years. We have a lovely relationship, get on well, don't argue much and raise our 5 year old DS great. We agree on things like money , morals , how we raise DS and to family and friends we look happy.

Nearly 1 year ago we got engaged and we threw ourselves into the wedding plans. So far so good...

Then the end of March , Like a switch (which I desperately didn't want to click) I started to feel different... im not sure I want to get married or be with him at all. He is loyal and caring, hardworking and respectful but there's no spark... at all. I was in love with him for years (felt really lucky to have him) and that was enough and all of a sudden its like a flame has literally been blown out. He has never been in love with me in the way I wanted ( ive no doubt he loves me) . He isn't the cuddly type and doesn't say much where as im quite the other way but I know he would be a wonderful husband.

I cant work out if im having some kind of mid life crisis (im 34 btw) whether its some sort of weird pre wedding jitters or if the engagement has made me realise that as much as we get on we aren't right to marry each other???? Im so confused. I don't want to ruin my sons life by asking his dad to move out if 3 months down the line that switch just flies back on and I want him back again and its too late.

For those of you that are married, what type of feelings does your marriage consist of? Are you still "in love" or is it more of a friendship? Am I thinking of throwing something good away because ive got bored? I just don't know. As I said im 34 and surely the spark is still supposed to be there before you marry or after 8 years is this normal?

Before someone asks, this is nothing to do with another man, my head hasn't been turned or anything like that.

Any advice would be appreciated as this is really eating me up. He is a wonderful man, my son is very happy and DP gives us a lovely life, these feelings are very new. Im so confused...

I wouldn't say I have a spark with dh. It's more a warm log fire. No frisson tbh but I'm not sure that's sustainable into old age for me anyway. I'm not sure how much I value frisson as i find that excitement often correlates with self-doubt and fear (does he fancy me as much as I do him? Does he want sex? Am I sexy?).

On the other part - the expression of love, there's some sort of workbook about how people like to show and receive love. You can do this as a pre-marital course. I'd advise you do this before making any decisions.

www.careforthefamily.org.uk/product-category/marriage-preparation-resources

OP I felt so sad reading all your posts. This was the part that really stood out for me:

he unfortunately doesn't think im that amazing I don't think but he thinks im a nice person and a good mum and I think that's enough for him.

That's so heartbreaking to read. No one should feel like that in a relationship. I'm not saying your partner has done anything wrong or that he's a bad guy, but you deserve to feel loved and for whatever reason you clearly aren't getting that. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to know your partner thinks you're amazing!

My partner isn't the type to talk about his feelings at all, really, and he gets incredibly shy and awkward whenever I compliment him or start gushing about how much I love him. But I know how he feels about me because of all the other things he does, and I've never been made to feel like I'm just OK or that I'm 'good enough'. I was with someone before him who definitely made me feel like I was just the best he could do, nothing special, and it felt like shit

You said you've spent 8 years wanting to marry him. Do you think maybe the doubts are setting in because now it's becoming a reality and you're faced with the real prospect of living like this forever? Whereas before you were just focused on wanting to make something happen?

Great post frieda

From what you say about his behaviour towards you I.e. not affectionate. I would say this.
He proposed because it is expected of him. DS and 8 years for example
He will go through with the marriage because it is expected of him.
He will be good dad and partner and will keep up appearances because it is expected of him But is he happy? Perhaps your female intuition has picked up on this?

You both need to go through some counselling before the marriage. It would be wrong to get married when you are feeling like this. You need help to find out how he truly feels.

I always think that the "spark" is overrated. DP and I love each other and we do tell each other this. Our lives are now built around each other (no children - we really really dont want those things) and we do show affection. But does my heart skip a beat when I see DP - only on occasion. I suspect even less for DP.

But each of us would be devastated at the loss of the other. Each of us believes it would be better that, when the time comes, we would be the one to die first as the grief of losing the other would be profound.

I dont know if that is some kind of inverse spark but it is another way of looking at things.

What strikes me about this Each of us believes it would be better that, when the time comes, we would be the one to die first as the grief of losing the other would be profound. scottishdiem is that if you really love someone deeply then surely you would rather endure the devastation of losing them, not think it better that they endure the devastation of losing you.

It seems backwards to me.

Do you see yourselves growing old together? Do you see similarities in your relationship to other long happy relationships?

DH and I have been together 30 years, married for 25 years. I see similarities between our marriage and PiL's marriage (they were together for close on 60 years). Neither of us have ever been truly passionate it's just not in our natures but when I am with DH I feel complete.

Well - if you'd said you'd been married for eight years - with DC - and this loss of spark had happened- most MNers would say ...normal! And there are things you can do to retrieve it - if it was there at the beginning.
But you could explore a little more - there is a dreadful contradiction in wanting to marry with safety. security, reliability - when what is sexy is risk, danger, vulnerability. I think there are some good recent books on the subject that address just these things.
But finally OP - it sounds as if you don't feel loved. I think your DP needs to know. He might see this himself too? You deserve a fulfilling relationship/marriage, and whether you stick or quit - things need to change don't they?

Hello everyone, thank you for your comments I don't get chance to get on here much.

Freida, thankyou for your comment. do you thinkmaybe the doubts are setting in because now it's becoming a reality and you're faced with the real prospect of living like this forever? Whereas before you were just focused on wanting to make something happen?
You could be right :-(

DP has always done so much for me, been a lovely and loyal guy. I feel like I should be greatful and that should be enough, perhaps he feels similar to me?

We didn't take things that quickly I don't think.. We were together 12 months before he moved in then started trying for our DS a few months after that. Ive tried to talk to him about his feelings without making him feel awkward (because he finds it hard) but he just cant, has never been able to tell me what he likes/ loves about me.

Im confused! he would give me a lovely marriage, everything I thought I ever wanted. Im not sure if I want anything else I just feel like this wont be enough forever. Im still not 100% sure that im not having some kind of stress issue/ breakdown because the contrast is so big, one day I was happy, in love and excited and the next I wasn't and it hasn't come back.