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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unreasonable Husband?

37 replies

user1494335023 · 09/05/2017 14:31

I'm struggling with my husband.

We have 3 children aged between 15 and 8. He works, I don't. He does nothing at home, literally not a thing, but he is good with the children. He is very well paid and from the outside in it must look like we have a fantastic life, nice house, nice holidays and children at private school

Lots of things grind me down with him such as he doesn't like me going out e.g. meeting a friend for coffee not a wild night on the town. Or me having to ask for money for foodshops or petrol for the car. He is very untrustworthy of me. He say's I am attention seeking if I post a picture on Facebook (I maybe post 4-5 pictures/year)

My parents live a good couple of hours away and everytime I try to see them he gets angry. So one of my parents was going to visit for a day and he believes they are using me doing this as it suits them. When I told him that one of my parents wanted to visit for one day he walked out the house, slammed the door and would only say bye to the children before heading off to work. He thinks my parents should contribute to the children going to private school. If I want to go and visit my parents he gives me a really hard time, saying I should prioritise him.

I can't reason with him and I don't know what to do long term. At the moment I try to do the best I can to keep the family together and happy but I can't keep living my life in this way as it is making me feel very unhappy

OP posts:
prettywhiteguitar · 09/05/2017 14:38

He sounds very controlling I'm not surprised you're unhappy. I would be looking to separate from him, have you talked to your parents about what he's like ?

yetmorecrap · 09/05/2017 14:41

You know what married plus well paid plus slightly older kids plus unhappy living with a control freak, equalstell him to sod off to me. It is hard with children on your own but no worse than having 3 chldren plus a manchild. and you will no doubt get breaks from the kids if he has access. I would suggest part time job for you plus maintanance and puling out private school if needed and you will feel a different person. Having to ask for money in that position unless you are a complete spendthrift is mental, so is feeling uncomfortable meeting anyone. At the moment you could in theory stay in the house and he would have to contribute , if this though would cause financial issues (and I cant see it if he is paying for private school for 3) then dont put yourself through purgatory , sell up. I know so many people who have stayed in unhappy situations because they couldnt afford 2 identical lifestyles to what they hadits not worth it!!!!

Original poster
user1494335023 · 09/05/2017 14:45

Yes my Mum knows. She thinks I'm too old to meet someone else!! not that is what I need! But agrees I can't be with someone who continues to treat me like this. Thanks for your reply

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/05/2017 14:45

Life in a gilded cage is not much of a life.

Will your parent who was suggesting a visit still come and see you?

Original poster
user1494335023 · 09/05/2017 14:46

Everything you say is to true. I just need to find the strength to do it

OP posts:
Original poster
user1494335023 · 09/05/2017 14:47

I haven't told them of his reaction and I probably won't. I'll just let them come and then I will probably be made to feel very bad about it. I just keep trying to ride the storm

OP posts:
rizlett · 09/05/2017 14:53

Very unreasonable husband and I am sure op that you have many more instances where he has been and will continue to be unreasonable.

You are never to old to deserve not being made to feel bad for wanting to do something that YOU want to do and no one has to give you permission either.

Hermonie2016 · 09/05/2017 14:54

I left a similar situation, well paid husband, nice lifestyle but I walked on eggshells.I'm 6 months down the line and it's been tough but I am so much happier..I haven't felt that awful gut wrenching feeling of him coming home and not knowing what mood he would be in.

If you have tried to reason with him (and I wasted so much energy trying to get through to him) then the only option is separation

The benefits of his high salary is that you will survive as he will need to provide housing and expenses for the family.

It's sadly all to common for some men to become controlling when their wives are financially dependant.You stop being a person in your own right but an extension of him .It's not you and you haven't caused it.

I'm sorry you are going through this but so have many others and you can get out.
I did try for years to change my ex's thought processes but it's deeply ingrained so leaving was the only option.
It feel awful to disrupt the children's lives but seeing a downtrodden mum is not a good example.The controlling and abuse only ever gets worse not better.

Original poster
user1494335023 · 09/05/2017 15:35

Thank you so much Hermione2016. I've never used a forum before but I just don't want to keep offloading on my friends.

Your words are so true - I feel that I have become an extension of him.

He has no respect for me and my opinions are worthless. And as my children are getting older I don't want this situation be seen as an example to them. I have tried for so long to better the situation.

We have been to 2 psychotherapist's (the first he refused to go back to as they were very direct to him and he didn't like what they were telling him) but he doesn't believe he has any problems. He thinks its all me and he doesn't need the counselling.

I don't think there will ever be a good time, I just need to find the strength

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 09/05/2017 17:33

The first step is to recognise he has no respect for you.That's painful to know as you assumed partnership.

The 2nd step is to know you didn't cause this and importantly you deserve better.

I always recommend the verbally abusive relationship book by Patricia Evans as she explains how your husband is likely to be thinking.Its not the same as your partnership approach.He isn't seeking equality but dominance.
Outwardly my H was super charming, rarely letting his mask slip in public but friends & family saw through it and have been so supportive.
My H had over a year of counselling, it did no good, if anything worse.We did joint counselling and if a counsellor pushed him he just shouted that he was being bullied.

Get yourself to a good solicitor.See as many as you need to get comfortable.You need a balance of good legal advice plus empathy.

You get the strength from believing you deserve you be treated well.I decided I was worthy of respect and therefore I should receive it from the person who was supposed to love me.Read the listen up thread..its important to benchmark your marriage against a normal loving marriage.

fantasmasgoria1 · 10/05/2017 06:19

How old are you exactly and you can meet someone else at any age! My first husband was very much like yours, very controlling but very abusive in many other ways too. Took me a long time but I left him!

beekeeper17 · 10/05/2017 06:40

Why on earth would you have to ask him for money for food or petrol? Sorry to sound harsh but I really hope you can see how controlling he is, financially, controlling who you can see etc. It's doubtful if counselling would make a difference to someone with a personality like this. Ask yourself if you would be happy for your children to be in a relationship like this when they're older? What would you tell them to do?

Msqueen33 · 10/05/2017 06:48

From the outside it looks like a perfect life. But from what you've said it sounds awful. He sounds nasty and controlling. If you've tried to talk to him and nothing has changed I would consider separating.

myoriginal3 · 10/05/2017 06:51

What are the consequences of you standing up to him?

CassandraAusten · 10/05/2017 06:51

He sounds awful, OP.

Naicehamshop · 10/05/2017 07:09

Feel for you, op. Flowers

gingertigercat · 10/05/2017 07:17

Agree with other pp.

I would also strongly suggest getting a job; no more asking him for things and you'll have a lot more freedom and independence

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/05/2017 07:31

Its not you, its him.

Your H is controlling and controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour and coercive control is now a crime too.

Do not keep trying to ride out the storm; it does not work and men like this keep on moving the goalposts.

What you do is never enough for them. I am also not surprised re the counselling; they are immune to such and will not seek it anyway because they feel entitled to act like this. He feels he has done nothing wrong here. Joint counselling is never recommended because of the abuse.

Find a good solicitor and start divorce proceedings against this individual asap. That may seem drastic but its the way forward for you and your children. He will likely try and sabotage any and all attempts for you to find a job currently. He will also likely make it very difficult for you to leave mainly because such men do not let go of their victims (the plural here is deliberate because your children are seeing all this as well) easily.

What do you think your children are learning here from the two of you about relationships?. A lot of damaging lessons that is what and your eldest may well wonder why you and he are still together at all. This is not what you want to teach your children about relationships; after all we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

I am sorry to read that your mother told you that you are now too old to meet someone else indeed, what nonsense!. However, she is right on one important point; that you cannot be with someone who continues to treat you like this. And he will continue to treat you like this and likely has done throughout your marriage as well. He has likely upped the power and control antes against you throughout your whole relationship even from the very early days.

Read also "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. Your H is in there.

birdspooping · 10/05/2017 07:47

Do his parents contribute towards the private school?

hellsbellsmelons · 10/05/2017 09:43

Controlling, a bully and financially abusive.
He's isolating you from friends and family.
He sounds great!
You know this isn't right and you've taken your first steps towards a better life for you and DC even you can't see that yet.
I agree to read the Lundy book.
You could also have a chat with Womens Aid so you can see that this is not normal behaviour and that you don't have to put up with it.

How old are you?
I'm starting again (again) at 48!
I'm loving being single.
Originally started again at 42.
I only have 1 DD though and she is now 19 so it's easier but you will get there!

Original poster
user1494335023 · 10/05/2017 13:54

Thank you Hermione2016. Its so helpful to read your comments and thank you for the book recommendation. This is all really helping me find the strength. It's going to be horrible before it gets better but I've just got to remind myself why I'm doing it

OP posts:
Original poster
user1494335023 · 10/05/2017 13:55

Thank you fantasmasgoria1. I'm 46. How long did it take you to get the courage to leave? And did you have children?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1494335023 · 10/05/2017 14:00

Beekeeper17, in our first counselling session the councillor asked H why he was doing this when we lived in a nice house, nice holidays, nice cars, private school for kids yet I had no dignity because I had to ask for money all the time. H said he was just running a tight ship and there was nothing wrong in what he was doing. H refused to go back to that councillor

OP posts:
Original poster
user1494335023 · 10/05/2017 14:01

myoroginal3, when i stand up to him help is not interested in my point of view. I can't reason with him

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/05/2017 14:05

You will not be able to reason at all with him because he is abusive and enjoys seeing your discomfort.

Think too about what you are also showing your children about relationships here; they are either learning how to control or be controlled. Its no legacy to leave them.