Unreasonable Husband?

[user1494335023]

I'm struggling with my husband.

We have 3 children aged between 15 and 8. He works, I don't. He does nothing at home, literally not a thing, but he is good with the children. He is very well paid and from the outside in it must look like we have a fantastic life, nice house, nice holidays and children at private school

Lots of things grind me down with him such as he doesn't like me going out e.g. meeting a friend for coffee not a wild night on the town. Or me having to ask for money for foodshops or petrol for the car. He is very untrustworthy of me. He say's I am attention seeking if I post a picture on Facebook (I maybe post 4-5 pictures/year)

My parents live a good couple of hours away and everytime I try to see them he gets angry. So one of my parents was going to visit for a day and he believes they are using me doing this as it suits them. When I told him that one of my parents wanted to visit for one day he walked out the house, slammed the door and would only say bye to the children before heading off to work. He thinks my parents should contribute to the children going to private school. If I want to go and visit my parents he gives me a really hard time, saying I should prioritise him.

I can't reason with him and I don't know what to do long term. At the moment I try to do the best I can to keep the family together and happy but I can't keep living my life in this way as it is making me feel very unhappy

AttilaTheMeerkat, thank you for all your comments. They are so helpful. Yes he truly believes he is always right and will say what a great husband he is. He even put together a spreadsheet of money he had given me to show what a good husband he was. The spreadsheet obviously didn't show the phone calls/ texts I would make pleading for money when my petrol light is on and I've got to get the kids from school or the empty fridge or the tears of upset and frustration I would regularly cry when I would have to call him at work asking for money and he would be annoyed as he always so busy at work.

I think the attraction of a strong person when you first meet them had become what I really don't like now, and as you say their power has grown especially since I became reliant on H since children.

I think the thing that distresses me most is when he uses the kids against me, so will say something like 'me and the kids think you are wrong ' and when the kids are around it is much easier for them to go with what H says as he is the dominant parent.

Thanks for the book revommendation

Birdspooping, no they don't contribute

Thanks hellsbellsmelons. I'm 46 and I think knowing now what I need to do is a big step. The reality of taking it is the next challenge

All that you have recently written are more reasons for your children and you to get away from him; he will truly destroy you all. He's already manipulating and emotionally abusing his children by using them against you.

AttilaTheMeerkat ❤thanks. I know I have to do this for myself but to do it for my children is a bigger motivation. I don't want them to think this is the norm

So do I keep the arrangement of letting one of my parents visit or cancel them? I want them to come, but he will not let it drop. H has called me today and texted me saying I never listen to him or respect his point of view and I should cancel my parent coming because we are too busy. We are always busy at weekends with children's sport and kids parties and this weekend is no different. My parent would just tag along and they would be happy doing that. They just want to see their family. H thinks I should cancel and find a weekend they can come when we're free but we never have a clear weekend

Everyone has been so helpful, thank you ❤❤❤

Your parents should be allowed to visit; do not allow your H to further intimidate you. This person simply wants his own way all the time.

Please do seek legal advice asap with a view to divorcing this person and getting him out of your day to day lives.

Thanks AttilaTheMeerkat ❤❤

I had the same, using the dc to gang up on me.He would want something and then tell the dc and I would be out voted.These were often house related discussions so not appropriate for children.This is very insidious behaviour as it's so undermining of you as mum.I always worried for my son as feared he would consider it normal which I knew would lead him to have unhealthy relationships.I suspect this was how H was raised so I wanted to break the cycle.
What he says you are doing is projection.

It's utterly miserable to live like this and I honestly tried all approaches but he has so little motivation to change.Even the separation didn't jolt him out of his pattern. He felt he was "good to me"

I believe highly paid jobs justify and amplifies their thought processes.The beliefs were always there however..he who earns the most is the boss.

You really can have a lovely life separated, I smile more and feel genuinely happy more of the time.It has low times and I regret the separation for the children but equally I am worthy of being treated well.

Don't cancel your parent.
Make sure they come and visit.
Don't give in to his bullying bullshit.
It makes for a quieter life in the short-term but as you've found out, long-term it truly sucks and just gets worse and worse.
Make another step today and stand up for this one thing you want!

He's trying to isolate you from your allies. Don't let him.

Also LTB. But you know that already.