WTF am I doing?

[OfficiallyUnofficial]

Looooong backstory, been on before basically sort of separated from DH after two years of disaster and MH issues mixed with oddness and unreasonable behaviour. We get on very well for DC and still do "family" stuff during which he stays in our home. Still sort of look after him, it's probably not healthy.

Anyway he went odd again a few days ago when there was a fall out with a friend and he's now been no contact for 3 days (normally talk twice a day).

This cycle is constant, all fine then he blocks me. I worry he's done something stupid, he resurfaces a few days later like nothing happened. Meantime kids totally confused they suddenly have no calls / visits.

So I'm now mad, for the first time I'm angry. A bit of me still worried and stressing but I'm trying to sustain ANGRY and not think of what split custody/ divorce whatever looks like or how devastated he'd be or how sad losing a 20 year love is as that's when I back off.

So I'm re-directing his mail tomorrow. I'm going to get a new phone as while I pay for the shared contract it's all in his name and he's changed the passwords yesterday

And I joined Tinder. A few people are messaging, one has given me their number (after 3 msgs??) so I've just had a WTF am I doing moment. If I actually meet any of these people he'd go nuts, he'd be so upset! What if I get caught and am I really ready to "date" after knowing no one else since 18??

Arrghhhh

Even nervous using this as lay time I did he found it and read it all

It seems to me he's using emotional terrorism to control you. You don't have to allow that, and you are NOT responsible for him.

Make the separation official, no more cosy family time etc.

You need some boundaries and fast, the DC need those boundaries even more.

Whether your Ex is unwell or a mixture of unwell and controlling they need their home to be a place of consistency and safety with him very much a separate entity.

Deal with your bloke first, ditch Tinder, you're not ready for that yet. I agree with Aquamarine.

I thought you said you were separated ?

We are legally separated Any. I use that terminology because we are.

Yet he's here at "home" every or every other weekend, we got out for family days. Eat together go out with friends. I manage his mail and still pay for a lot of stuff (he can't afford anything).

Ok that's sounding a bit odd isn't it.

I couldn't quite make out what was going on in your OP so how on earth can your kids know. Blurred boundaries or what? OP time to make it official for everyone's sake.

You sound mixed up - in the nicest possible way. Do you think counseling might help?

That's not being separated by anyone's definition is it?

We aren't divorced, it's a halfway house legally.

Weeeell he has his own room does that count? And we cal each other ex. And he has his own flatwhich I paid for .

I went to Relate but they can't help. They think I need to work on me first before joint counselling is a good idea.

That is not "separated"

You need to make the break properly. Why are you paying for his flat? He's not a child but is getting away with behaving like one and being looked after by you. He can manage his own mail too. If money is a problem for him he can claim benefits. But that's his respinsibilty to arrange, not yours.

I worked his benefits out for him but he had never applied.
We are so separated, you have no idea what it took to even get this far I am protective of it.

I'm shit aren't I. Even beyond the help of Relate

There is no need for him to enter your home.

There is no need to organise his benefits /money /bills.
There is ever need for your dc to grasp what the fuck is going on.
There is every need for your EX to see his dc at his OWN HOME.
You NEED to enjoy Tinder!!

There's no need for him to apply for benefits as he knows he will just be looked after by you. He has no incentive to do it. Is he being treated for him MH problems?

How do I turn off the knot of worry in my stomach about if he's ok, if he'll cope, if he'll be happy, if he'll be upset with me, if he'll be well and safe.

It makes me feel sick to think of him struggle, he is a kind man really. My DD2 is just like him and it makes me worry for her. She's the sweetest most gentle lovely thing but with the most stubborn and self destructive streak.

He is now Matt, took 2 years of pain to get there. He is starting to become the man I knew again.

Trouble is some of these issues pre-date the MH issues.

Ypu are codependent

The only way to break free of it is to minimise contact. You are so far from that, nothing will change

You might as well be together

If you can't let him learn to fend for himself, how is he ever going to learn so you can actually properly separate? Your kidding yourself if you think you're actually separated.

You are not shit! And I feel your pain completely I don't think I'm doing a much better job of it than you are- What some might fail to understand is that after such a long marriage-you do a) feel a sense of responsibility no matter what they may have done to you b) don't want to see them fall flat on their faces as you still want your kids to have a positive father figure.
I personally would forget about tinder.I think if you're honest with yourself (and I am completely honest with myself about this) is that although you don't want to be married to him, that doesn't mean you don't love him. How to stop loving? Anwers on postcard please.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/blog/presence-mind/201307/are-you-in-codependent-relationship%3Famp

Does any of this seem familiar?

CoDA

Do try to get to a group op.

Perhaps read all the article-especially the last paragraph:
While it’s true that some dysfunctional helping relationships are indeed codependent, and it’s also true that codependence may arise from some of your personality traits, be cautious in your adoption of the co-dependent moniker. Or at least don’t wave it around like a flag of fate (“I’m codependent and I can’t help myself because that’s just what I do!”). And keep in mind that dysfunctional helping is complex. It’s motivated by a variety of factors and shouldn’t be reduced to simple notions of codependence.

Not sure armchair psychology and diagnosis is going to be helpful.

That does sound familiar. I've been feeling guilt that I removed his ability to cope and then left him out in the cold. But if so step back (when I can) I realise he is intelligent and articulate and I've tried so very very hard to save us over the last 2 years I had to. I have to stop.

Really not sure what to do now. Tinder is probably just another unnecessary distraction.

I can't have people "needing" things from me now, I feel like running when they do (except DC).

How far are you on the solicitor front? Ive found using solicitor set deadlines helpful. Eg: You have until this time to sort xyz out.

We are legally separated. They are at me to get a no contest divorce in august as it'll be the 2 years not living together .

It's good to hear you are in sort of the same boat. Well not good but you know!

I'm sitting on my hands not to text and check he's ok. But it feels like game playing.