WTF am I doing?

[OfficiallyUnofficial]

Looooong backstory, been on before basically sort of separated from DH after two years of disaster and MH issues mixed with oddness and unreasonable behaviour. We get on very well for DC and still do "family" stuff during which he stays in our home. Still sort of look after him, it's probably not healthy.

Anyway he went odd again a few days ago when there was a fall out with a friend and he's now been no contact for 3 days (normally talk twice a day).

This cycle is constant, all fine then he blocks me. I worry he's done something stupid, he resurfaces a few days later like nothing happened. Meantime kids totally confused they suddenly have no calls / visits.

So I'm now mad, for the first time I'm angry. A bit of me still worried and stressing but I'm trying to sustain ANGRY and not think of what split custody/ divorce whatever looks like or how devastated he'd be or how sad losing a 20 year love is as that's when I back off.

So I'm re-directing his mail tomorrow. I'm going to get a new phone as while I pay for the shared contract it's all in his name and he's changed the passwords yesterday

And I joined Tinder. A few people are messaging, one has given me their number (after 3 msgs??) so I've just had a WTF am I doing moment. If I actually meet any of these people he'd go nuts, he'd be so upset! What if I get caught and am I really ready to "date" after knowing no one else since 18??

Arrghhhh

Even nervous using this as lay time I did he found it and read it all

It is about control.
We've been split since October.Like you this came after 2 years of me trying to "fix things" I went away over Christmas and in the run up to it had crying phone calls, and suicidal hints. On the way to the airport to drop me and the kids off he cried and told me he loved me. I obviously spent all of christmas thinking-have i made a mistake and worrying. When he picked us up from the airport, he acted like I was a stranger. This pattern repeats itself every time I take another step- divorce papers served, financial order etc etc.
Don't text. Take control.

You are doing yourself no favours

Hang on. Let's not get snobby about this.

Of course things are complex, that goes without saying. Yes, compulsively 'helping' is complex but it doesn't hurt to learn the general ballpark of this kind of behaviour in relating. Haven't worded that very well.. I mean it wouldn't hurt to find out about codependence. It's better than the funk you're currently in op re your ex.

The majority of us have no access to full on professional psychological assessment and support. Meanwhile there are supportive communities out there that offer solid - actually, priceless - peer support and effective strategies to arrest this kind of dysfunctional relational behaviour on an ongoing and practical basis.

It is a process, it takes time - years - to unravel the complexities along the way. No time like the present to start addressing it. Thank goodness we don't have to wait for the pros before we can get started - bcs most of us would never get the pros and would therefore never get started.

And don't think the responses are about bashing you or blaming you.

I'm sure each one of us is just trying to give you a wake up shove. Of course he's capable, you need to step back and disassociate. It's clear this is as important in developing your sense of self as it is about his.

If you don't step back and seperate your sense of self from him, you're denying both of you independence.

My rather clunky post, above, was a response to your post Julia re

be cautious in your adoption of the co-dependent moniker. Or at least don’t wave it around like a flag of fate (“I’m codependent and I can’t help myself because that’s just what I do!”).

Which hit a nerve, rather. Support in eg the CoDA community very specifically challenges the defeatist, passive response you quoted. Ie it won't stand for it.

Let's not bite the hands that may well be the precise food op needs

I seem to have turned into Eric Cantona

Yeah I got that it was aimed at me. I can assure you I wasting anything but snobby.
Two things came to mind I saw the op being labeled co-depenent:

Firstly that these labels: EA, Co-depedent etc get bandied about frivolously on this forum.

Secondly: Do you know what , people like the op and myself blame ourselves enough. Just labelling her as co-dependent reinforces that. In previous posts op said-" I am shit". Instead of saying- no you're not-but why not try doing this-labelling her as co dependent without further explanation (and your post literally just directed her to that website) is like saying-"yeah you're at fault for his behaviour,"

That's funny Julia as I feel the opposite having read the link and identified with it. It doesn't mean I'll use it as an excuse, just that I better understand myself to challenge it, so it's not a negative thing despite you bribing it. It explains a lot and was good information. The OP has looked and said it does not especially resonate with her as things stand.

Mumsnet isn't going be much use if we all start fearing how others might react to information that might or might not be relevant. There are plenty if different explanations for the same outcome and we need to feel free to express our experiences and opinion to be taken up or rejected. It's a healthy thing to have a thread with many different explainations for the OP to cherry pick from. Differing experiences are just that, doesn't mean one is right and one is wrong.

Op i was in a scarily similar situation as you 2 years ago
What helped me (even though it near enough broke me first) was the realisation that he didn't want to fix things. He didn't want to try or to maintain boundaries. All he wanted was a mum.
The final thing was that i realised he actually wanted to hurt me by the way he was acting. He wasn't as stupid as he acted and did know how much his actions hurt me and the kids. It wasn't an accident.

I get why you are defending your position so strongly. To get to this stage is massive and you should be proud of yourself to get this far.

Unfortunately he doesn't want to make this work in any way for any of you.
Strong boundaries are the only way to keep all of you safe including him.

I'm sorry you're in this position

Just labelling her as co-dependent reinforces that

Erm no it doesn't. Grasping the nettle about what could be a truth about us doesn't mean we're forever consigned to some kind of bin. The very opposite, in fact.

Codependence is a complex emotional disorder - you are right that the term is bandied about too easily and often negatively, as a jibe, the majority not understanding what it is, much less how it works or how it comes about. I venture you may be in that category Julia..

Compassion is the key here. Not labelling but crucial information that could unlock hitherto baffling behavioural patterns.

Ok no fighting, I get that enough at home

I think the "Codependent" label may fit but as has been said it is slightly guilt inducing and clearly quite complex. But of an eye opener though.

Question is do you accept it? Before all the badness kicked off the relationship was probably the same but worked. It's the recent unreasonable behaviour that's tipped it into destructive and that could stop with MH treatment.

Is it best for the kids to have their dad? If I'm going to be miserable and guilt ridden anyway maybe I should just give up and be together.

there is a brilliant book called Codependent No More, probably on Amazon for about o99 p, but with it's weight in gold. Read it and have an easier life.
Best of luck with it

Thank you.

Springydaff not sure why you're being exceptionally personal towards me. It seems you feel entitled to offer your opinion but I am not allowed to offer mine?

Officially-giving up is never an answer. Is he getting help for his mh issues?

eh?? I don't agree with you is all

You're voicing some very strong opinions.. and I'm countering them.
Usual stuff on a forum!

A very miserable mum (or parent/s) is disastrous for kids. Knocks it into a cocked hat up against needing their dad. They'd get their dad during contact, so it's not as though they'd lose him entirely.

I'd have to say, probably again, that the term 'codependent' tends to be used in a sneering way - just as eg the term 'victim' has been used as a jibe. But once you look at it you see there's no shame in it at all.

I'd have to say, probably again, that the term 'codependent' tends to be used in a sneering way - just as eg the term 'victim' has been used as a jibe. But once you look at it you see there's no shame in it at all

Totally agree, as I said upthread. Even if it's not entirely relevant to the OP, she can pick out responses in her thread that resonates and ignore the rest, which may be useful to others.

Reading that info has been most illuminating and I've already been researching more on challenging some of my thinking and working with some of it so I'm more satisfied as a person and can put it to my advantage in my work. Brilliant stuff.