Other experiences of cheating/affairs please?

[Pinkyponk36]

Hello everybody, I have already posted about my situation before here so won't go into detail. And all the replies I received were basically saying the same thing: you've let your partner treat you like a mug, he is blatantly cheating, you should leave. (No one stood up for him).

To explain very briefly: been together 5 years, have had two kids over last 4 years of that, have always had gut instinct he's at the very least a flirt behind my back & big porn user, but have found out a bit of evidence here and there to back up theory but nothing 100% incriminating (I.e. That he has defo done sex chat and/physical cheating). At very start of relationship he admitted he had had girl in his hotel room, but nothing happened. Still maintains this but has been caught flirting with her over past few years and trying to arrange lunch with her (which he says never actually happened) and then other such bits of info come out in drips and drabs. I've said to him he must sort out counselling over next two weeks or I'm calling mediator to sort out break up and dividing our assets.

Basically please could other people who have been in similar situation give me a heads up of how liars operate? And how they found out the truth? Do people always find the smoking gun straight away, or does it come out slowly?

It's just he is so definite that nothing physical has happened, but he is letting some bits of truth out here and there, and when we talk he is so good at making me feel like he does love me, and that he is essentially a good person. And then I feel very confused and wonder if most of the problem is me, and he is just a bit of a stupid dick at times....

I just can't believe that he is lying through his teeth?? I need to hear about how others who have experienced people who have lied through their teeth, about how they actually finally discovered they were being properly lied to??

Like, am I a complete mug? Or am I an overreacting, insecure person?

My xh didn't admit to anything even though ds1 and I knew he was cheating. He had the cheek to make me get out of the car and walk home when I tried to get him to confess. He was furious when ds1 asked him too. That was the final straw. I bided my time and worked out his password. I read his messages and sent them to myself. I asked one last time and he denied until I sent him a screenshot.

I got really sucked into the denials. I combed through bank statements looking for signs of gambling. I checked his car for clues about why his behaviour was odd. He claimed that the parking ticket that he got when visiting ow was a works drinkup. It depresses me that I believed it was me not him who was in the wrong. I'd let him take my strength and confidence in my instincts. 😡😢

Having lived through this nightmare, it is the lying that is far more hurtful than the sex. I look back on incidents during his cheating period and it's tainted. I thought he was a hardworking loyal person but the pics from that period now scream CHEATING SCUMBAG. Where did the woman that I used to be go? 😢

Thanks CrazedZombie for sharing your experience. I hope you get back the woman who you used to be. I'm sure she is still with you xx. I think I'm still in the "sucked in to denials" stage that you mention.

I think lying is just a human trait - we all lie in some form or another, usually to ourselves! Persuading ourselves that we can put up with behaviour that actually we probably shouldn't.

I do think my ex believed a lot of what he was telling people, as HazelBite said: he'd worked out a new story to explain his life, in which I made him marry me and have children even though he didn't want to (so he told OW). As I was so obviously the baddie, it was OK for him to be seeking comfort elsewhere.

Look up "cognitive dissonance" to see why and how we find alternative explanations for what we do, ones that maintain our image of ourselves as basically OK people.

Thank you Ravenmum, I'll look up cognitive dissonance for sure. X

Hi ladies

Ravenmum - I've just had a quick Google of cognitive dissonance. Makes a lot of sense as to why they lie so wholeheartedly in order to keep their actions in sync with the sort of person they like to think they are ie decent etc/ the act that we've fallen for. Admitting the truth would be admitting they've actually a cheating bastard and a shit husband/ dad/ person. Someone with narcissistic tendencies will never admit that as obviously they're the best thing since sliced bread!

Crazed Zombie - I don't think mine will ever 'fess up' either. One day I'll need to do as Pinky has suggested and act as my own mum and rescue myself. It's just deciding when. I keep moving the goal posts I set myself. I agree with Pinky that the real you is absolutely still there, probably just waiting cautiously to avoid any more heartache before bursting back out xx

MIne is stuff from 11 years agoonly discovered 5 months ago, so I know he had a "love thing" about this person as its all their in writing and recorded songs once seen, cant be unseen or unheard . If he had thrown it away, I would have had suspicions at the time but to be honest would never have known. Im told it was all in his head and a fantasy thing at a bad time (and it was , his mum dying, business issues etc) a lot of texting went on at the time too. It is all too late though to find out if I have been given the total truth as was something that was obviously "something" and then stopped . I totally understand what you ladies are going through. Its unnerving to feel you may be being fed a truth based on only "what you know". I would always have said my husband was incredibly truthful but he certainly lied to me about how he felt about this person at the time, so if he can do that, im sure he can lie about how far it went. It has also made me hyper vigilant but the worst thing is feeling that someone you thought you knew so well has a side to them that you didnt believe they would be capable of. In my case he most certainly isnt a "womaniser" --def not a cheeky chirpy kind of guy and always tells me he loves me etc, far more than Ive ever said to him. I think sometimes we just have to live with it if not prepared to go without 100% hard evidence. and only at a point when we find something totally unacceptable do some of us feel we can say "enough is enough". Although I have to be honest, just signing up to the swingers thing would have been enough for me.

As others have said, some people are just very good at lying. My exh lied continually (most about really little, unimportant stuff but a lot of big stuff too) and even if it was blatantly obvious to everyone it was a lie, he still wouldn't admit to it.

I definitely think my exh reached a point where he was no longer sure what was truth and what was lies, and certainly couldn't keep his lies straight. It was exhausting trying to keep up and I ended up feeling like a crazy person trying to work out what was true and what wasn't. He also used to tell me stories about 'friends' and their affairs, which turned out to be mostly about him (only realised this much later - how stupid did I feel) - including a really charming gross one about his married 'friend', a woman we knew, and a BJ in a pub loo.

After he moved out, we were supposed to be 'working on it', having counselling, etc. - and while I was completely stressed about it, feeling really guilty because he seemed to be struggling so much, he said he was lost without me, etc. I found out that he was involved with three other women. He'd left our home computer signed into his emails when he stormed out the last time (so I could see everything, including emails back and forth, all his phone bills, back-ups of the photos from his phone, photos the women were sending him - those, I definitely didn't need to see ). At the same time, he's telling me he's lost without me, blah blah. That was the first time I had definite proof of just what sort of person he was, and that was after 20 years. (He was telling each of these women that he was madly in love with them, and I was getting in the way of their happiness, etc. etc.) If I hadn't seen the emails and phone records, I still wouldn't know for sure. We're talking hundreds of texts/images back and forth and I'd had no idea.

One of the women went completely off the deep-end, believed everything he said, exploded her marriage and spent over two years harrassing me. I asked him why he'd told her all those things if they weren't true. He just shrugged and said 'I just tell people what they want to hear'.That's the closest he's ever come to admitting that he's a liar.

After I started divorce proceedings he then told me he had cancer and had been given 6 months to live. That was a lie too.

Haven't got time to RTFT as I've got to go out so apologies if I'm saying something that has become irrelevant but I didn't want to read and run.

I - stupidly - had an affair with Exp when we met (it's not really much of a defence but I was 18 and stupid and his partner at the time was also having an affair, I definitely learnt my lesson). He never ever admitted it to his exp at the time even when she had some quite firm suspicions. Fast forward a few years and I got quite damning evidence about him cheating. It was the fourth time I'd suspected it. He denied everything and maintains to this day I was a crazy jealous woman but since then I have bumped into a few of the women who admitted that the cheating had happened (that makes it sound like I had a right to do with them, I didn't, enough time had passed that I wasn't bothered and realised he was a wanker and it was just them apologising).

My point is, he wouldn't admit it to his ex even though I know damn well it happened, and he's never admitted it to me. But I know it happened which I'm actually grateful for, there was always a bit of doubt in my mind saying 'but what if you were wrong and you were just being jealous and unreasonable'.

Long story short, trust your instincts. There's a reason there's universal signs to watch for and the best advice I could give is, in the event of such signs popping up, assume your situation is the rule not the exception. Leave. You will be so much happier! I stayed single for 4 years because I refused to ever drop my standards again. I have now been dating a wonderful guy for a few months - I am far happier than I ever remember being with ExDP.

Imagine if it was your friend/daughter in this situation, would you be letting her settle for this situation? Or would you be insisting that she deserved better? If the latter, why do you think you are worthy of so much less?

Thanks yetmorecrap, lizzyj4 and Cakedoesntjudge for your experiences. I think what I'm learning here is that you don't really get evidence but it is your true instinct that tells you something isn't right. We've all been conditioned to ignore our instincts I guess.

Well I've got some counselling booked with partner, so I'll see if this helps at all. Thanks mumsnet people for the support. X