DH, alcohol and our marraige.

[sureitsgrand]

Will try to keep it brief. Married 3 years, together 9. Have a beautiful ds age 2. Husband is quite successful but has always been of the work hard play hard mentality. It took him a long time to realise you can't continue a party lifestyle with kids. He was drinking heavily up until this year, but certain things happened (sleep walking, urinating when drunk, turning up drunk to family meals) and he's tried to curb it. He gave up for 3 weeks earlier this year, it was the best 3 weeks we've ever had.
But he is now drinking every weekend again, though he's stopped during the week. He's very grumpy when hungover. He hates if I question him about the amout he drank the night before etc or mention things he did when drunk. He has now began to say I am controlling and a bully. I'm so confused I don't even know, maybe he's right? He says he can't continue being married to someone who questions him all the time, he's entitled to a drink.
He was so angry when I tried to sort things yesterday he broke the front door slamming it behind me. My son and I are staying at my parents since yesterday. I went to our house this morning, he hasn't gone to work. Our son could sense the tension and was crying. At this point I broke and began to cry to. He has now text and said let's move on and forget this. I replied I can't unless I know drink won't be an issue anymore. He has replied fair enough. I've been here with him so many times, he's refusing counselling so we never truly seem to get to the bottom of it. He's a great father, our son adores him. We are about to move into our dream house, we are going on holiday next week. I just don't know what to do anymore. I think I still love him, but I'm exhausted. He has the potential to be an amazing man, but drink and how it affects his mood is ruining us. Anyone been through similar?

There are people already aware that he has a drink problem (i.e. he turning up drunk to family meals). Has anyone ever talked to you directly about his drink problem or have you made this the elephant in the room that no-one talks about. Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy.

You are married to an alcoholic and this is what life is like with such a person. You have tried to firefight this the whole time without success. He tying to stop without professional support is nigh on impossible so am not at all surprised to see that he has relapsed. His drinking is still controlling him and alcohol is a cruel mistress.

You are in some ways as caught up in his alcoholism as he is. You are also his provoker and enabler; you never forget and you have been there till now propping him up. Co-dependency often features in these types of relationships as well and it is very damaging to you as you are co-dependent.

Did you yourself grow up seeing similar?.

His child may well adore him but this is no life for him either really. He sees his mother worried about his dad and he sees his dad drunk more often than not. He is also not a great dad either; women in poor relationships often write that comment when they can themselves think of nothing positive to write about their man. He like many alcoholics as well accuses you of being controlling and a bully; he is simply projecting his own behaviours onto you.

As your son gets older as well he will become far more aware about his dad's drinking. You cannot as it is fully protect him from his dad's alcoholism.

I would seek legal advice for your own self re separation from your H because knowledge is power. You do not have to act on it immediately but you will have information and that is important.

Can you put the house move on hold, that dream home could further become your living nightmare. I would also take his name now off the booking; at the very least do not go on holiday together with him.

You cannot help someone like him but you can certainly help your own self. Contacting Al-anon for their support would benefit you.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

It's time to take the blinkers off, you're married to an alcoholic and have been for some time.

Either this is a deal breaker or it isn't, the balls in your court but waiting around for him to be someone different, has not been a particularly successful strategy for you.

The onus is always on the one who wants the status quo to change, to change things.

Have you contacted Al-Anon at all?
They have relatives / spouses / children of alcoholics.
They can help you too.
If he won't get help to help himself then there is nothing you can do.
I'd be gone but this is your life.
He won't stop.
So what next for you and your DS?

Yup, been through similar. Pissing himself, turning up to family meals drunk and the shutdown from family life trying to hold onto the party lifestyle. The very best thing you can do for you and your child is stop firefighting and cut out the secrecy. I did it for years and the stress of it almost literally broke me. My 3 yr old has behaviour issues that see her attending various therapies and going through tests and the blame is as much on me for that as it is him.

Once I started being honest with everyone that he was an addict life started to change and it was so grim for a while in the middle of the shitstorm but you ride it through for you and your dc and you do come out the other side. If you still love him it doesn't necessarily have to be the end either. I'm still with my dh although not living together yet and he is making changes and becoming the man I fell in love with again. For him to get to that point I broke down that foundation of lies I had built my life on and took everything he loved (exept drugs and alcohol) out of his life and he's had to fight to get it back.

I wish you all the strength and luck in the world. Keep posting because there's so much good advice on here.

Thankyou for the replies. I'm shaking at the moment after two hours of a chat with him. He's told me he wants to work on our marraige if I can leave him alone about his drinking. I've told him I can't sweep it under the carpet. So I've suggested we seperate and he's immediately started saying he won't allow me to take my son from him. He will phone social services and tell them I pushed our son into a car seat yesterday (he's 2 he was wriggling and crying I held him till he stopped then firmly strapped him in, the same as anyone). He backed down quite quickly when I said that he can't do that I've never done anything wrong but he said he will say whatever it takes to keep his son.
His family aren't helping he has told them we are arguing because I don't want him drinking. They keep telling him he's entitled to a drink.
I am at a loss.
I will contact a family lawyer to find out information.
He doesn't drink every day. He drinks every weekend. He has cut down, and says he's trying but i am creating more problems by keeping on at him about it. I don't want to go through a marraige break up. But I'm sick of his moods after a heavy session.

Sorry you are going through this op
Don't let him brainwash you ! He may well not be drunk everyday but is essentially checking out of family life every weekend to be drunk/ hungover so that in itself is destructive behaviour !

I like a drink and will have a few on a Friday it Saturday night . But not to the level that it will affect anything as I don't get drunk and I won't be hungover but clearly he can't stop at that can he so it's not "having a drink" like his family seem to think is it . I'm mad for you !!!

Drink will always be an issue to him. There are no guarantees re alcoholism; this man could go onto lose everything and he could still drink afterwards.

I would also asap seek the advice of a Solicitor asap with a view to separating from your H formally.

This is not going to get any better for you or your son; he is already going after your Achilles heel here by mentioning his child in such a manner. That was very low of him to do that. This child is not his possession and he should not be using his son as such. Your son needs to stay with you because you are the non alcoholic and a far more stable influence. He is in no state to look after his own self, let alone his son. He is probably never completely sober either and badly underestimates just how much he is putting away.

His family will side with him because he is their son and their loyalty is ultimately to him rather than you and their grandchild. You will not be able to at all rely on any support from them and their attitude is simply one of enabling. That neither helps them or their son; it just gives them a false sense of control. Alcoholism can also be learnt; did he himself come from a family of heavy drinkers?.

Your Hs primary relationship is with drink; its not with you or his child. His thoughts centre around alcohol and where the next drink is going to come from.

He's an alcoholic.
Either he accepts that and goes into treatment or he will lose his marriage and have to live separately from his child. That's inevitable, either now or a few years down the line when you realise how badly he is affecting your child. By that time the damage may be permanent though.

Sure he has potential, all addicts do. That means nothing really. Judge a person by their actions, not their potential.

How will he look after your son?
Does he not work?
Are you the person in FT employment and he's as SAHD?
Doubt it!
So it's all bollox to bring you back in line.
Don't listen.
Just keep getting pictures when he's in a real state and SS will see he's just a malicious dickhead! And actually HE is not fit to look after DS.
As others have said. Get some legal advice and take it from there.
Keep a diary.
Keep all pictures.
Keep any abusive texts about custody of your DS etc....
In fact it would be good to try to get that in writing!

I'm sorry he's reacted like this.

See a lawyer .

Tell all your friends and family - the ones who will support you. Don't deal with those who says it's your problem.

Go to al anon . This will really help I promise. You will feel less alone and can talk to people who will understand.

It is very telling that you say his three weeks sober were the best three weeks you've ever had.

Right now, to summarise, he is not just telling you that he will only work on your marriage if you agree to allow him to continue to be an alcoholic, he is also threatening to seek custody of your son, by fair means or foul, if you do not comply. He concedes that it is "fair enough" that you not to want drink to be an issue in your marriage, but his solution is not that he seeks help to give up drinking, but that you just shut up about it. I don't know whether that's indicative of the man or the illness, but certainly for now I would be staying with my parents for as long as necessary.

Good luck, OP – you clearly love him and want things to work out.

He is an alcoholic - please find an alanon you can go to.

A lot of fathers say they will go for custody of their child (I know its not called that but thats what they usually say). Its normally a threat to keep control.

Now look at it from a Judge's perspective who would you give residency to? An alcoholic who has limited contact with the child or a normal mother. Pushing your child into a car seat is preferable to letting them not use one. Did your child have bruises/marks afterwards? If no then it's not abusive.

He won't go for custody. They never do. Like pp have said it's just a predictable ploy.

I know men who drink every weekend and they are not alcoholics.

You asked him to cut back and he has?

My dh has sleepwalked and pee'd

Imo it's a difference in basic attitudes towards family life in this case rather than him being an alcoholic.

Thanks, some good advice here. He would agree with the above poster, says most people drink every weekend and he has cut back.
I don't know, I'm not strong enough to leave right now. But it's on the cards.

You are stronger than you think you are actually; he is just putting doubts in your head. Do not stay with him for your child's sake; he is not going to say to you "thanks mum" for staying with him.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships?. What do you think he is learning here?. Growing up with an alcoholic parent leaves many now adult children with a whole host of emotional problems. That is really not the legacy you want to leave your son.

He cannot go without drink longer than 3 weeks; he has to have it because he is physically and psychologically dependent on alcohol. He is an alcoholic and you are affected markedly by his alcoholism too. You can only help your own self ultimately; he does not want your help or support.

Perhaps record your phone calls if he is threatening to make things up about your treatment of your son?

"He would agree with the above poster, says most people drink every weekend and he has cut back".

Its really more denial from him. He is basically telling you he does not have a problem because other people do the same. I would think that he is badly underestimating how much he is putting away as well. His drinking to excess is affecting your lives and that in itself is a problem.

Al-anon are certainly worth contacting. At the very least read their literature.

I've read alot of al-anon. I have stopped enabling him (hiding drink, stopping drinking myself or with him, keeping what he does a secret) and have started telling people. I'm hoping something will click with him, or at least if it doesn't it won't come as a shock to anyone. We were ttc after a loss last year, and I've told him I no longer want another baby with him.
I know I should leave him. But I don't know if I can. Is it really that easy for people to just walk away? Or if I stay will it undoubtedly damage my son. Our son adores him. He would be devastated if we moved away from daddy. He's been very upset the last two days through all this.

Staying with an alcoholic is the least best option for your child. They will grow up thinking your relationship and daddy's alcoholism is normal.
It isn't.
I am so sorry. If he won't admit there is an issue and deal with it then you really have no option.

His drinking isn;t normal and anyone who thinks it is probably has an alcohol problem. It is not normal to piss yourself because you're drunk.

He doesn't have to agree with you, the facts are that his drinking is out of control, his resulting behaviour is impacting your child, and you need to separate.

He's cut back but won't cut it out because alcohol is the third person in your marriage. You and your son can only ever come second best, the alcohol comes first. You and DS deserve better than that.

It's not easy to leave but it is right. You know looking back you have given him much more than a fair chance to sort himself out.

sure it sounds like you're on the right track. Telling people and stopping the enabling is a great starting point. Try getting in touch with your anger (sorry if that sounds wanky! It's something I heard in therapy but it really is valid). You should be angry that he's put drink before his kids upbringing, before your happiness and stability. That he's made you feel like you have to run around covering for him. that he's happy with a relationship where you are expected to do that You actually don't have to you know. It's not your job in the relationship.

Your son is upset because he senses the tension between you and dad.

Staying with an alcoholic is a very bad idea for both you and he; its no life for him either. What sort of a childhood do you want for your son?.

Your H's primary relationship is with drink and nothing will change that. You cannot help him or make him see differently. The 3cs apply here; you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

It is not easy to leave but by goodness its far harder to stay and the longer you stay the harder it will become for you and your son. He will certainly become more aware of his father's alcoholism as he gets older.

I just saw my spelling mistake in the title. It's been a horribly emotional day. I've decided to give him another chance for now, whilst continuing with my own counselling about why I've let myself get into this situation, will contact a family lawyer to ensure I am ready should (or when) this happens again, and hope and pray to God there is a chance things may get better. I know it's probably not the right thing to do, but I need to be in a mentally stronger place for my son if we leave. I need to have all my information to hand, not be floundering for it in an emotional state which was what I was doing today. My parents are away for 3 weeks, I have no one else around me for support and am feeling very vulnerable on my own, and I don't want to cancel our little boys holiday. If past patterns are anything to go by, he will hold it together for a few weeks which will give me time to gather myself and have my parents back here, so we can have someone to turn to. He's happy as larry now, telling me we need to 'be positive and move forward'. He says he never meant anything he said today, he was just frightened of loosing everything.