DM hit son don't know what to do.

[ScabbyHorse]

I'm upset and angry at my mum. She had my DS overnight on Friday and was supposed to babysit yesterday too but I got a call from him (he's 10) saying she hit him. She had wanted to give me a break as i'm a single parent and let me go out as I had a couple of friends birthdays to go to. On Friday DS and her stayed at mine and I slept at hers. But yesterday apparently he was grumpy and refused to go to the shop with her after dinner yesterday. I had just got into town when he rang. He said she forced him to choose to either play cards with her or go to the shop. I think he was probably playing computer games and quite likely being sulky and off to her. She has recently been diagnosed with autism. She finds it difficult to get others point of view and sees others being grumpy as a personal affront. I had a difficult childhood due to her verbally and emotionally mistreating me.
But since he was born our relationship has got much better and she has tried hard to be a good GM. She moved closer to be near me. They enjoy spending time
together and usually get on well. Do I stop contact with her over this or accept it was a moment that out of control? She's denying she hit him and saying I always blame her and it's not her fault.

I always thought she was narcissistic and it came as a complete shock to hear she had autism

Even as the mum of young man who's severely autistic I still cant work out if my husband who I separated from after 36 years of marriage is HFA or a Sociopath. There are others in my husbands family who are on the spectrum but Im just not sure about him, however he is getting worse the older he gets and at 65 he can have some pretty explosive bursts of anger to the extent I do at times wonder whats going on with his frontal lobe. As a grandma many times over I would hate to be prevented from seeing my grandchildren but I think if I were you I would be making sure granny didn't do anymore babysitting for now.

Sorry, just to say my husband doesn't get violent but he does really lose his temper and whilst we can get a frustrated more easily the older we get what happens with my husband is more than that. Ive even discussed it with my sons Neuropsychiatrist who thinks there might even be early symptoms of dementia happening but for now we don't know.

That's interesting mrs peelywally yes I do wonder if sometimes people are misdiagnosed or something. In my honest opinion i feel like she has severe attachment issues. Idk. It sounds difficult with your ex. And interesting that it got worse with age.

So she can cope with your ds for a period of time and then she gets stressed and lashes out?

Rather than out and out no contact, can you limit her time with him to periods you can feel confident about? Ie overnight but pick him up in the morning? Or one afternoon etc.

Obviously, I don't know her at all, and that may well be a ridiculous suggestion.

I think I need to speak to her face to face and hear her take on things before I can decide about the future. She needs to admit to what happened. And explain herself.

Might have missed it but did she ever hit you?

scabby

re your comment:-

"I think I need to speak to her face to face and hear her take on things before I can decide about the future. She needs to admit to what happened. And explain herself"

From your initial post:-
"She's denying she hit him and saying I always blame her and it's not her fault".

Your mother is patently not up for apologising nor accepting any responsibility for her actions. Your son told you that he was hit by her.
She also verbally and emotionally mistreated you as a child; those anyway are not the hallmarks of a good role model of a grandparent.

Your bringing new life into the world did not fundamentally change your abusive parent into a loving family member. We have always wanted our parent to be loving to us, and now we want our parent to be a loving grandparent. What we want and what we end up with are two very different things. Where we usually get tripped up is our failure to recognize the adaptability of the person to changing circumstances.

You're right about there being a disconnect between what I wish for and what I get from her. What makes it doubly difficult is that what I wish for is also what she so desperately wishes for. She dissociates, I believe. I've been reading up on it on the out of the dog -fog! website. She literally believes she didn't hit him. And that she wasn't that bad to me as a kid. She delivered a letter today saying she didn't hit him. fml :(

What would happen if you said to your son it's not too late to admit you made it up about granny. And you won't get into bother if you did make it up.

FFS, get a backbone and protect your son. Your bitch of a mother doesn't deserve a second chance and certainly not with him. I can't believe you would subject him to her abuse after suffering it yourself.

You say you've had counselling - you clearly need more.

Cut contact with your mother and get a bloody babysitter.

I can't believe you know what she's like and you're still doubting whether to believe her or your son

I did that mrs peely and I am certain he's being honest. He wouldn't have texted my brother either.

Its an awful situation Scabby and I really would just go with not letting your mum see your son unsupervised.

Its a difficult one alright. I personally wouldn't cut contact or report her but I wouldn't have her babysit again. I wouldn't make ds see her unless he wants to either. It sounds to me like she has made a huge effort to remain in your life, but only you really know how bad she was when you were growing up. Its up to you to decide if you can get past it but I would in your shoes. Is it possible that your ds was pissed off with her and lied/exaggerated about what happened?

Do you and your brother recall stuff from your childhood that she doesn't, or denies? Then regardless of her genuinely believing that she did not hit your child, you have to totally disregard her account. She doesn't get to be on her own with your child again.

"You're right about there being a disconnect between what I wish for and what I get from her. What makes it doubly difficult is that what I wish for is also what she so desperately wishes for"

Re your second sentence here you cannot make assumptions like that re your mother. You must not assume she feels the same; she clearly does not and even now denies hitting your son. What evidence do you have re her to show that this is the case?. Why would your son lie anyway, he trusts you implicitly. You cannot say that about your mother.

What you want from your mother and what you get even now are two very different things. She was that bad to you as a kid as well wasn't she.

No-one protected you from her ill treatment of you as a child and I am so sorry that happened to you. It was not your fault in any way, the fault is all hers.

I would argue that she has not fundamentally altered since your childhood, she has just given you the impression that she has changed. You have also wanted her to change and gave her the benefit of the doubt. Where we usually get tripped up is our failure to recognize the adaptability of the person to changing circumstances. That is where you yourself fell down here.

Protect your son now in the ways that you were not sadly protected; she does not get to have a second chance with your son now. You would not have tolerated this from a friend, your mother is no different.

Yeah she does the poor me routine if either of us brings up our childhoods. she was struggling a lot as a single parent. but yes she did scare us and she hurt me badly as a baby. I don't think i'll ever forgive her am still very angry about it.

The bit about her genuinely believing that she didn't hit him has struck a cord with me. I have an aunt who is similar (been v v v low contact for 3 or 4 years) and she denies things that have clearly happened. Again, this has got worse with age.

You do know that none of this is your fault, don't you?

ohfour Im glad someone seems to understand... yes I know it's not my fault, thank you

So to update, my mother sent a letter saying she was sorry that 'things went wrong' but not explicitly apologising. I replied asking for a proper apology and explanation and she sent a nasty letter saying it was my fault it happened as I don't trust her enough. That I am full of hate and always have been. That I'm just like my father blah blah blah.
Still haven't seen her and don't want to.

It's ok to not see your parents. Kids are programmed to love their parents but some of them are just too mean and nasty to be around. There is no shame in not seeing your mother. Keep protecting your ds and ignore your mother. He's only little and can't fight back so stay strong.
Expect flying monkeys to tell you how wrong you are to hurt your mothers feelings. I would also be prepared for her getting an illness due to you standing up to her. She may also make other contact. Ignore it all and spend time with your boy.
Walking away from people that hurt you is never a bad thing.

Scabby

What littlemissangrypants wrote in its entirety.

Your mother sent you a non apology. She likely hates you as well because you remind her of her H; a man whom she herself despised.

Your only mistake here was to actually respond to your mother's missive. By replying you gave her further ammo that she then let you have with both barrels. Toxic people like she like nothing more than a fight and the last word; your response gave her both those things and to such disordered people a response is their reward.

You really do not need people like your mother in your life; she is a drain on you and will continue to be so. Such people do not change.
Its not your fault she is like this, you did not make her that way. Her own family of origin did that lot of damage.

Thanks for replies. I felt I should try and explain my side of it. She does the self pitying thing very well. She sent me a horrible text saying that before she sees me she sometimes heaves into the sink because she's so scared of me. Btw I'm not a particularly scary person. But I am strong and getting stronger. Am enjoying more time with DS and getting support from other people is opening up my social sphere a bit. Last time I stopped seeing her she a cane very ill it's interesting you said that.

They all do the same.

• Send others to get you back under control
• Send cards and money (easter, birthday, any occasion)
• Make out you are the one in the wrong, play victim
• Play ill, heart attack, stroke, cancer
• get contact any way they can
• once they do they attack again.

Every time you respond your mother wins. She gets to hurt you all over again and makes you doubt yourself.

I have been there. I went no contact with the people that raised me. Then my sister got in contact to reel me back in. I didn't go back for more abuse. Then I had the call saying one of them has had a stroke and was having surgery. I didn't go back. Then I had abusive messages on facebook from my sibling. I was told I was evil and deserved the abuse and to kill myself. I blocked and ignored.
I am waiting for the next thing. I don't think I will ever stop waiting for the abuse to start again. It gives me a hard time but I have survived so far and wont be beaten.
Never give in and never let them know they have got to you. The moment they see they have broken you , they win. The only way they can be happy is by making you unhappy. You deserve better. You deserve to be happy and free from emotional abuse and your son certainly doesn't deserve to be hit.
Don't let others make you feel bad for protecting yourself and your son.

She really isn't worth bothering with. She's a manipulative pain in the arse and she is obviously playing the health card now that you've asked for an apology.

Interesting that she's told you that you're scary now that you've asked for an apology. Almost like she couldn't possibly have told you sooner, or apologised and then mentioned it (!) She's trying to get out of apologising by shifting the blame - but how convenient that this new revelation should occur right when you ask her to account for her own behaviour (!)

Sorry, feeling very sarcastic this morning- you might be able to tell

Don't let her rattle you. You're in the right and we all know it. She is just being classically toxic.

Scabby, my heart goes out to you. Have you read Toxic Parents? It's often recomended here. There's also a support thread in Relationships - the Stately Homes thread.

As Attila, of fourfoxache and littlemissangrypants say, there's no wrong in walking away from abusive people, or people who just drain the joy out of life.

Tr.y not to feel guilty, and try to keep away from her. I'm afraid she is seriously wrong and will take any advantage she can get over you, so if she sees a chink she'll be there widening it, and history will repeat itse

Remember yourself as a child, and now think of the Rescue Figure who could have made your life full of joy instead of hurt. Then be that person for your son.