DM hit son don't know what to do.

[ScabbyHorse]

I'm upset and angry at my mum. She had my DS overnight on Friday and was supposed to babysit yesterday too but I got a call from him (he's 10) saying she hit him. She had wanted to give me a break as i'm a single parent and let me go out as I had a couple of friends birthdays to go to. On Friday DS and her stayed at mine and I slept at hers. But yesterday apparently he was grumpy and refused to go to the shop with her after dinner yesterday. I had just got into town when he rang. He said she forced him to choose to either play cards with her or go to the shop. I think he was probably playing computer games and quite likely being sulky and off to her. She has recently been diagnosed with autism. She finds it difficult to get others point of view and sees others being grumpy as a personal affront. I had a difficult childhood due to her verbally and emotionally mistreating me.
But since he was born our relationship has got much better and she has tried hard to be a good GM. She moved closer to be near me. They enjoy spending time
together and usually get on well. Do I stop contact with her over this or accept it was a moment that out of control? She's denying she hit him and saying I always blame her and it's not her fault.

I don't think you can leave him alone with her after this I'm afraid

This is awfully sad.

One thing that bugged the frick out of me when mine were little is when other people wanted to get involved with discipline, and this is the total pits.

I remember once my Dad telling my son to 'shut up' as he was chatting his head off, in our own home. DS was 5 at the time. I asked my dad to leave the house as I felt so furious that my son would be told to shut up when he was happily chatting - I dread to think how I would react in your situation

Thanks for thoughtful replies. I am sad about this as I know how much their relationship means to her! She is a lonely old lady who alienates everyone near to her through her behaviour. Anger management is an option I guess. But it's more psychological- I always thought she was narcissistic and it came as a complete shock to hear she had autism. I need to know she is remorseful at the very least. Will have to see her tomorrow as I left some things at her flat.

Could it have been a light tap on the head to get his attention (e.g. if he wouldn't look away from the computer screen when she was talking)? Is it possible it annoyed him and he described it as being hit when it was not as serious? I think I would find it difficult to judge the situation if I wasn't there and there were no witnesses to give an unbiased opinion.

How did her diagnosis come about? Just wondering if she has follow up help where this could be dealt with.

Glad you son can tell you and he's knows it's completely unacceptable to be treated like that

Whilst I do not, in any way, shape or form condone child abuse - be it verbal, emotional or physical (like you, OP, I also had a verbally/emotionally/physically abusive childhood) - it is possible that your son might have fabricated. The choice between playing cards with her, or going to the shop... which led to the assault, doesn't ring true with me, somehow. I've had two 10 year olds, who are sulky and have twisted things to make themselves the victim if they're forced to do something they don't want to do (currently, I have a 12 year old upstairs sulking because I asked him to get dressed so that we can meet family for a pre-arranged lunch...!). If I were you, I'd subtly quiz your son as to what precisely happened, before you go leaping to no-contact conclusions.

Children lie.

It's a fact of life.

So do adults, of course, but children push their boundaries to find out how acceptable their behaviour is. Perhaps your mother told him off, and he's exaggerated it into a slap. Maybe your mother hit him, and he's telling the truth. Until you communicate with both of them, separately, and compare their statements... you're not going to know.

My son has limited contact with my mother because of the way she treated me throughout my childhood... and because, when he was 5, she grabbed him by the wrist and dug her nails into his skin deliberately. Now that he's older, he wants to spend time with her without me present... but I'm a nervous wreck when he does, because I remember, only too clearly, my own childhood (she broke my nose when I was 7 months old). Like your mother, mine is doing her utmost to be a great grandmother, but... sometimes... they revert.

My advice, OP is to talk with your son and with your mother, compare what they've said, and trust your own instincts. You know how you were raised... you remember/know what she was like... you know that she's trying to be a better grandmother than she was a mother (just like mine, actually). But don't instinctively believe your son. Give your mother the benefit of the doubt. Children lie to see how far they can push things. Perhaps he's picked up, or knows the situation between you and your mother and is reacting to that. Maybe he thinks that if he tells you she hit him, you won't leave him there again (and, seriously, I don't know a child today who wants to play cards with their Granny... including my own!).

Just trust your own instinct.

Are people really advising OP to call the police?

In answer to your question I would stop all contact.

I've asked him to go over what happened once more and it really doesn't sound like he's lying. It sounds like he wouldn't do what she wanted and she lost it with him. I'll ask her to describe what happened when I see her tomorrow. But unfortunately it sounds like she was reverting to type. I feel awful that I trusted her again :(

I have advised contacting the police as I worked as a child protection social worker along with the police for 5 years and I am very clear in my thinking around what I perceive as abuse. Striking a child hard to the head is assault and is abusive. I can understand the OP may not want to report her mother. I can see that would be very difficult. I would say as a minimum OPs mother should have no unsupervised contact with her DS.

Of course it was unacceptable, and she should apologise to him. I would not be having her looking after him for a long while, only with you there. Its up to him later on r if he wants a relationship with her.

Fenella it's hard with abusive parents when they become grandparents because they rarely repeat exactly the same pattern of behaviour as they had with their own kids. Add to that the fact that your abuse will have taken place when you were very young, and that it will have been called discipline, for your own good etc and it can be very hard to be sure enough of your own perceptions to take action.

Your mother has denied hitting him and has abdicated all responsibility here for her actions. She lost control.

I would now stop contact with your mother as well, you let her back in and this is what has happened. She was not a good parent to you and now she is not a decent example of a grandmother to your son. Her autism diagnosis (when was she diagnosed?) does not give her a free pass either to have acted like this, she is an adult and your son is still a child. Keep both of you well away from your mother. The relationship to your son does not mean as much to your mother as you think.

Has she ever apologised to you for all the crap she put you through as a child?. Such people really do not apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Do you really need the items at your mother's flat?.

Exactly what toomuch (a Little Angels fan...?) said.

My parents talked away my broken nose, the bruises, the marks where my mother's nails had dug into me as me being "a difficult child". My oldest brother, at an age where he should have been out partying with his friends and being a late teenager/young adult, used to give up his weekends to come home and make sure that I was okay (DB2 refused to live with them, point blank and was legally adopted by my maternal granparents).

My parents are far better grandparents than they ever have been parents. My children are the only grandchildren they have. But their prior behaviour, the way they treated me as a child still creeps in. They have limited contact with my son. My daughter may as well be my sister for their interference. By the time my son was born, however, I'd had therapy, and counselling, and knew that I had to make a stand.

Doesn't mean that 10 year olds don't lie, however.

Honestly, OP, I think you need to sit and work out whether what your son has said happens tallies with your own childhood in any way. And go from there.

Many 10 year olds as well tell the truth and why would he lie about his grandmother hitting him?. I am only glad he had the presence of mind to actually tell his mother; some children would not do that. The fact that this has happened is unacceptable because she is an adult. He is still a child.

She can't control herself, so no more babysitting.

I would be super annoyed about the hitting but even more annoyed about the lying. Because by doing so she's accusing your ds of being a liar. She's prepared to throw her own grandson under a bus to save her own skin.

My mum did something similar, but with her it was a nasty thing she said to Dd. Then denied it and said Dd was a liar. That was three years ago and I'm NC with her pretty much since then.

I needed Dd to see that I would do what was needed to protect her. That I would prioritise her above my crazy mother.

she was diagnosed about 3 years ago. it puts some things in perspective but doesn't excuse her I don't think. I've had several years of therapy and have learned to separate myself emotionally from her behaviour. yes possum if she is denying it I believe she is calling ds a liar.

DS also texted my brother that she hit him straight after. I don't believe he would do this if it was fabricated. She was also shouting at him as I could hear her on the phone. When I called her after it happened she said he was a nasty boy. She left as soon as I returned and wouldn't speak to me.

She hit his head, shouted at him and called him a nasty boy!

I'd have to go NC with her after those that. I wouldn't allow my parents to see my DC if they hit them, denied it and called them nasty.

She knows it's wrong and that's why she's denying it.

I'd cut her off. There's a reason she's been alienated by others.

I was reading a thread about grandparents who weren't allowed to see their DGC, all saying their DC had cut them off for no reason.

I imagine your DM would be one to claim she was cut off unfairly.

Be aware that should an adult (at DSs school) hear this is a safeguarding alert could be raised.

Your DS was clearly upset by it, as he called his Uncle as well.

Did your DB say anything about it?

My lovely DB said that it was the kind of thing she used to do to us as kids. I thought she could be different now, with DS. She's a bit obsessive about having the right food in the house, and as they were at mine there happened to be no fruit. She maybe felt like he'd not done enough and wanted him to get off computer games. So I actually think her heart was in the right place. I know her well (obviously) and she gets things wrong a lot. You're right that it might become a safeguarding issue if it gets out at school.

"My lovely DB said that it was the kind of thing she used to do to us as kids. I thought she could be different now, with DS".

I am sorry but you thought wrongly and you heard her shout at your child calling him a nasty boy as well. Your bringing new life into the world did not fundamentally change your abusive parent into a loving family member. We have always wanted our parent to be loving to us, and now we want our parent to be a loving grandparent. What we want and what we end up with are two very different things. Where we usually get tripped up is our failure to recognize the adaptability of the person to changing circumstances.

Her autism diagnosis as well does not give her a free pass anyway to hit your child. You would not have tolerated that from a friend, your mother is no different. Protect your child and yourself from such a toxic influence.

If your son wishes to continue to have contact with her then I probably would allow that but personally I would never allow her to be left unsupervised with him again. Kids can be very tough to look after at times and it seems that looking after your DS is just too much for her.

Attila she told me on the phone that he was nasty. When I was on my way home to see him. But yeah, it is no good. I can't put him through what I went through :(
It seems to me that she does this when things are already stressful or difficult. When I've been going through a hard time she isn't there for me. She's monumentally selfish! Thanks for everyone's replies and sorry not to reply individually. I am much clearer on things now.

I see no reason to disbelieve your son. You know your mother and you have no problem believing she did this - neither did your brother. Yes children sometimes lie but I don't think your child lied.

I would not cut complete contact if it were me but I would not let her babysit again and I wouldn't leave him alone with her again until he is a fair bit older. I would also drastically cut my contact and my expectations.

And I would specifically tell him that I believe him and he won't be alone with her again. I wouldn't bother engaging with your mother - she is incapable of insight and incapable of change