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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lock on his phone?

33 replies

ParanoidPrude · 07/05/2017 07:41

I've nc for this, but I can imagine there must be loads of threads on this.

My OH has a smart phone that you can unlock with your finger print.
He used to tell me it was because the guys he works with will play pranks on each other's phones etc and hed rather not.
Then he moved jobs where his phone has to stay in a locker. He then told me he couldn't remove the finger print scanner because he forgot the back up password to remove it.
Fast forward a few months, he drops his phone and cracks the screen. His finger print scanner is no longer working. So he's reverted to the keypad lock instead now.

He will NEVER leave him phone alone, if he goes to the bathroom for a wee and leaves his phone, he'll come straight back down for it. I've never seen his phone unguarded.

He's really not the type to cheat, but I do feel something isn't right.

He bought me cigarettes on his way home from work but there were 2 missing (he doesn't smoke menthol) and I asked where they went and he quickly replied 'oh sorry.' And changed the subject. I asked again where they went asked nd he fumbled askedndnd said he had to give a work friend 2 (bearing in mind he bought my cigarettes on his way home from work)

He's getting more suspicious by the day....

Should I check his phone?

OP posts:

sparkleandsunshine · 07/05/2017 07:45

DIG!!! Come on! You know you want to!

It might be nothing, but if you ask him out right then you'll never know if he was lying.

Something fishy is going on! Good luck whatever you choose OP, but I would have to know.

Also you say "he's not the type to cheat" but I have seen so many people on here type that and then found out that's exactly what was happening x

Changedname3456 · 07/05/2017 07:46

Do you really need to? If you can't feel trust for him then the relationship will probably die anyway, you don't need "proof" of anything untoward.

Original poster

ParanoidPrude · 07/05/2017 07:47

Wouldn't you be curious though? Like I said I don't think he'd cheat on me. But he's too protective of his phone for it to be NOTHING.

OP posts:

HappyJanuary · 07/05/2017 07:50

One day, when he is engrossed in his phone, ask him to hand it over so you can google something or take a picture. His response will tell you what you need to know. If he refuses, tell him you're feeling insecure and he can reassure you straight away by proving he has nothing to hide. If he still refuses, you'll know your gut instinct was right.

pinkblink · 07/05/2017 07:51

I wouldn't feel right about that at all, my husband has his finger print programmed into the unlock on my phone and mine is on his, we quite often use each other's phones if ones nearer than the other, I had assumed that was what every couple did?

WifeyFish · 07/05/2017 07:52

I can understand you feeling uncomfortable about the lying but I'm not sure having a lock on your phone, be it fingerprint or passcode, is that suspicious. Surely it's a security measure that most people use?

As for the cigarettes, is there a chance he could have bought them for you before work or at lunchtime? I doubt it's anything more sinister as surely he'd expect you to question where the missing cigarettes were.

SlaveToDisney · 07/05/2017 07:55

I don't think the phone thing would be an issue for me as long as if I asked to use it he would oblige. Both me and my dh habe locks on our phones however we know each other's passwords and are obviously happy for each other to use the other ones phones. If you asked to use it would he allow you to? The cigarette thing sounds very fishy can you sit him down and ask him outright where they went with no distractions so he can't change the subject? The only way is to ask him and then discuss how you are feeling that way you'll either have you mind put to rest or you'll confirm your suspicions that something isnt right and then the ball is in your court.

Original poster

ParanoidPrude · 07/05/2017 07:56

I get that lots of people have locks on their phone but when I put one on mine he questioned me about it getting really suspicious.

And no I called him on his way home from work and asked him to stop and buy me some.

OP posts:

finx14 · 07/05/2017 08:00

Ex was like this, he was using dating sites and cheating. Don't dig just ask him straight out, I'm sure his reaction will give him away.

MrsMozart · 07/05/2017 08:02

A fingerprint lock still means the normal code has to be used when the fingerprint reader doesn't read properly, so he did know it.

ChocIsNotSweet · 07/05/2017 08:03

Doesn't his phone have a passcode as backup? Mine and dp does so either can use any phone if the need arises. This does seem odd especially the fact he can't leave it even to go to the bathroom.

finx14 · 07/05/2017 08:06

Yes you need to the code to open the phone if it's been off also or the battery has died. He's not being honest if he says he doesn't know it x

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 07/05/2017 08:18

Having a pass code for the phone is sensible, but it's very odd that you don't know it if its his personal phone. I've never used/looked at DH's phone as it's his work phone and so he has all his work emails and texts on it so I wouldn't feel right doing it, although I do know the pass code. My dh doesn't know the password for my work phone as everything on my phone is confidential and it would be a breach of confidentiality. I have a personal mobile as well and dh knows the pass code for that.

I would do as others suggest and ask to borrow the phone to look something up. If he refuses to hand it over then you need to habe a very frank conversation with him.

Paperdoll16 · 07/05/2017 08:18

Yes I was going to say that too. We have the finger print access but every time the phone is turned off or the battery dies, for security, the passcode must be entered to access the phone again.

The having it glued to him is the biggest red flag there is. Surely when he's asleep is the best chance you'll have to check.

He's not the type to cheat. He's human. He's acting suspiciously. Oh he's the type alright.

ChevalierTialys · 07/05/2017 08:26

There's certainly a trust issue here even if he's not up to anything. My phone has fingerprint unlock and also has the option to enter a pin. DP's fingerprint is saved as a person who may unlock my phone and he knows my pin. Ditto the other way around. We don't look at each other's phones but having access is a sign we trust each other.

You need to do a bit of digging OP.

ChevalierTialys · 07/05/2017 08:28

I get that lots of people have locks on their phone but when I put one on mine he questioned me about it getting really suspicious

He suspecting you of doing something you need to hide, because that's why his is locked.

finx14 · 07/05/2017 08:30

I get that lots of people have locks on their phone but when I put one on mine he questioned me about it getting really suspicious

Classic reverse guilt. Judging you by his own standards. That's a red flag right there!

Original poster

ParanoidPrude · 07/05/2017 08:30

He apparently forgot the back up pass code. My phone is very basic (just the way I like it!) So I could easily be told something different.

He's still sleeping right now - I went upstairs and moved his phone from the bedside table to the floor. I went back up to check a few minutes later and hed moved it under his pillow.

It's so suspicious. He's a light sleeper too so don't think I'd be able to get to it at night.

Backstory :
A few years ago I had suspicions so checked his phone, he'd been texting another woman from his work non stop for a couple of months at least. I read all the messages and there was never anything explicit or to suggest they'd met up outside of work. I still went crazy at him. He said he was being friendly and didn't want to seem rude by ignoring her.
But these were like, starting at 6 am and going straight through til bedtime, every day.

That's always stuck in the back of my mind. Like I said I really don't think he would cheat on me. But I guess I'll never know until I check his phone again....

OP posts:

Silverdream · 07/05/2017 08:35

You should have a lock on your phone because if it's lost no one can use it or get to your info. You should put one on yours.
However my other half is happy for me to use his phone to look something up, look for a photo, ring someone etc etc. He just hands it over if on the odd occasion I need to borrow it.
This is what you need to work out. Will he let you borrow his phone. If not that is alarm bells.
Just ask to use it to take a pic or something.

finx14 · 07/05/2017 08:35

Sorry it if you're sending or receiving texts you keep secret from your partner you're being deceitful so you're pretty much cheating already. Ask him out right!

ChevalierTialys · 07/05/2017 08:36

Well now that little moving the phone activity has happened, he probably knows your suspicious. He'll be deleting anything incriminating as we speak.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 07/05/2017 08:43

Firstly I have a Galaxy S5 and it has fingerprint scanner. But if I turn phone off I need the backup password to turn it on. It often crashes and I need the password for this.
It's and so unlikely that he broke the scanner and just happened to remember the password.

Secondly if he's not letting you see it then that is very suspicious.
He's never going to own up to it so I wouldn't bother asking him. No threads have ever ended up that the OP asked her DH and he admitted everything outright and that's the end of the matter.

Is it linked with another device, like a backup cloud or whatever?

As a pp said if you innocuously ask to use it and he refuses then that will speak volumes.

Rockluvvindad · 07/05/2017 10:01

OP, he wants to hide something. That's the only thing you know. The thing you want to know is what he's hiding because you're not able to trust him based on past history of his texting another woman. If I were you I would sit down and explain that to him and that if you cannot trust him then the relationship will die. It's as staightforward as that. If you cannot communicate on an adult level about this then you have other problems you need to solve.

Another aspect of this is how many people seem to think that unfettered access to a "personal" object ( which is what a phone is ) is the norm. Would you want to see your partner's personal journal or diary ? It's the same thing. In this age of living ever more in the public eye with social media etc... holding on to a little bit of privacy becomes more important. We should not routinely encroach on our partner's privacy, because even in a relationship some people might feel there is a need for privacy on some things.

This is about trust. The phone is an enabler to feed fears or paranoia and/or facilitate behaviours which betray trust. It is the trust issue that needs addressing. The phone is simply the method. In the old days it would be akin to reading someone's personal letters. Most of us have an innate nosiness curiosity when we're presented with something that we want to know, and it is easy to fixate on that curiosity for its own sake rather than for any good reason. Who does our curiosity serve ?

Sorry, I'll get off my soapbox now... Good luck OP. I hope you can address the trust issues and your fears are unfounded..

RLD.

daddyorscience · 07/05/2017 10:22

My ex got like this, a few months before she decided we should split up. I used to get grief for having a code on my phone, and keeping it on me, but I work in a school.

The code is purely a safety thing, as a few times I've left the phone in a classroom, and at least once before, when I recovered it the gallery was open.

I also keep it on me, because my memory is shot, and I reminder everything. I'd be unable to function without my lists on here. Plus if the kids need me, or there's a work incident (was IT, now science, so responsible for chemicals), I need to be "on hand".

So, it can be totally innocent, and it can be anything but. It's not all sinister. Just to add balance to things a bit.

daddyorscience · 07/05/2017 10:26

And by "got like this", I mean kept her phone on her 24/7, code, taking it to the loo etc, not being suspicious... Although she was that too, to the extent of accusing me of cheating on her, when I said I was going to see an old school friend, who has 3 children and is happily married, for a few hours... After not speaking to her in years.

Good luck..

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