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Original poster

Boyfriend of 7 years left me; Mid life crisis? So lost :(

44 replies

Mistakenforstrangers · 06/05/2017 23:37

I have been with my boyfriend for the past 7 years. I'm 33 and he is turning 36. Commitment has always kind of been an issue to him. He has a 10-year old daughter we have been raising for 4 years from a previous (Short) relationship of his. Everything seemed to be going well. We had a down payment set to put on our first house as we were actively looking, he was planning a vacation for our upcoming anniversary...and then all of a sudden he took it all away.

At 1am about a month and half ago he calls me into the bedroom and tells me he 'can't do this anymore.' All of his reasons don't even make valid sense to leave a person (we're in too much of a routine, etc etc), and the 'there's no spark like our first few months of dating' as if we haven't had 2 apartments and a child together and are almost a decade in.

He and his daughter have been living here still until Summer vacation comes for school as to not disrupt her. She came from a troubled background as it is with her mother 700 miles away, which is why she was taken away from there. I care about he well being of the child immensely, as her and I are extremely bonded, possibly even more so than her biological parents. That is the reason they are still here right now. I can't kick her out of her stable home situation that will crumble into school.

He now secured a tiny apartment this week for them to live in, and even though has told me he 'loves and cares about me' he also quickly tells me 'it isn't going to work.' I'm confused, hurt, baffled, and devastated as he seemingly walks around with no emotion about the whole situation.

Earlier this year he got a big raise at his job that gave him a higher position and it looks like it went to his head. Like all of a sudden he 'didn't need anyone.' He hasn't told any of his family yet as they'd give him an earful, and a part of this decision I was told was made after hanging out with his younger co-worker friends for work events where he felt 'free' and a former co-worker at the job who keeps giving him 'advice,' somehow roped him into a pyramid scheme, and made him think life with me is terrible. It isn't; I literally worshiped the ground he walked on. This 'advice' giver also has been married 3 times by the way.

I am pretty sure he isn't 'dating' anyone at the moment as he comes home on time right after work as usual; spends the weekend with his daughter and I as we play 'house' for her until she knows. Though we sleep in different rooms secretly and have no regular physical contact. He does come over and give me random hugs sometimes, and to be honest we've slept together 3 times since the break up. Almost a 4th the other night but his daughter called for him in her room and he stopped himself.

I've seen him texting 'hearts' every now and then to who I do not know. I'm afraid to see the name. He claims 'friends from work,' which I can't confirm or deny since he seems to be here more than ever. All of the 'younger' people at work he told our business too who are validating all of his feelings and moves. He's avoiding his family like the plague because he knows they'd be like WHAT ARE YOU DOING. I am very close to his family, especially his mother.

Also this situation also started after one of his good friends just got married, another friend just got engaged to his girlfriend of like 12 years and since he's been helping his close cousin do wedding stuff as he is the best man. I feel like it's a case of early mid life crisis and cold feet. He had left his phone on the bed the other evening, open to a text to his 'advice giver' and it said that he has to 'repress his feelings towards me because he still has them.' I don't understand any of this at all. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I hurt so much right now, and when he actually moves into the new apartment I'm not even sure how I'm going to get through it.

I'm not even sure what advice anyone can give here. Will he suddenly turn around? has anyone had a similar thing happen I feel like I'm lost and even though I should be 'angry' I'm just so, so sad. My whole little family, even though nontraditional, is going to be gone. We talked and I will still be in the little girl's life, but it's not the same and it hurts, so, so bad.

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 06/05/2017 23:43

I bet one of his younger co workers has turned his head. Hearts on texts? He thinks the grass is greener and is stringing you along.

Stop having sex with him. It won't make him stay. If he won't tell his family then why don't you?.

Original poster
Mistakenforstrangers · 06/05/2017 23:48

oof yea, the sex just kind of 'happened in the moment' and I guess in my warped mind it would mean something more.

His cousin who is getting married and his fiancee knows. He's basically cut them off because they sided with me. I plan to tell his family after his cousin's wedding which is about 3 weeks from now, since I am the fiancee's maid of honor. I don't want our long-term break up to be the focus of their wedding as everyonnnne will be asking us about it then. :/

OP posts:
Original poster
Mistakenforstrangers · 06/05/2017 23:49

*they are the only ones we have told because we literally do EVERYTHING we them

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ijustwannadance · 06/05/2017 23:56

He's being a dick and you know it. Let him go.

TheBlushBaby · 07/05/2017 00:02

I'm certain things won't be as good as he imagined and within a year you'll hear from him wanting to come back. Hopefully you would have moved on by then to something better. He doesn't appreciate what he has and he isn't willing to make the effort to save it. He wants out instead, which is selfish but there isn't much that can be done about it.

LoveforPGTipsMonkey · 07/05/2017 00:21

agree that best thing is to let him go and let him miss you / wake up! def do not sleep with him anymore as you'll get even more depressed.

bluebell34567 · 07/05/2017 00:26

why are his friends telling him to repress his feelings? it is weird.
why would anyone want to break up someone's relationship?
then he still has feelings for you.

toffeeboffin · 07/05/2017 00:26

'I just wanna dance' has it.

SabineUndine · 07/05/2017 05:43

I'm with ljustwannadance. He's met someone else or thinks he has and wants to keep his options open. I'd dump him.

FritzDonovan · 07/05/2017 06:15

Typical 'cake and eat it' guy. Hearts and flowers with younger model, still getting you to do the house keeping, including sex on demand. He's taking you for a fool. Stop interacting with him, tell everyone what he has told you, kick him out. I do feel sorry for his daughter, but it's going to happen at some point.

BusterGonad · 07/05/2017 06:21

It's all a bit weird! The caregivers advice is rather cult like!!! What a dick, your ex and the caregiver!

HappyJanuary · 07/05/2017 06:28

If you still want him to 'come to his senses' then your best bet is giving him a taste of life without you - tell him to leave.

I don't think his new life will be as exciting as he thinks, and wouldn't be at all surprised if his love interest (there will be one) runs a mile once he's properly available.

SandyY2K · 07/05/2017 06:54

You need to to start treating it like a separation. It's far better that his DD knows now, instead of just when they move into a new place.

Just because he comes home on time doesn't mean he's not seeing anyone. When would he do it you ask? At lunchtime because it's a colleague or he takes a day or half a days annual leave and spends it with her.

It's been done a million times before. At a minimum he's having an emotional affair.

I would stop pretending in front of his DD and spend more time out of the flat.

He needs to see what being a single parent is like. You can still spend time with her individually and I think you should, but be aware that he could cut you off seeing her once he's moved on, as his new GF may object because she's jealous.

Hopefully he'll put his DDs best interests first and allow your relationship with her to continue, but bear that in mind.

Original poster
Mistakenforstrangers · 07/05/2017 07:10

All of these are such solid pieces of advice and confidence, thank you!

@sandyy2k that's my fear too; that all of a sudden I'll be cut off from his daughter with no warning. I contacted her therapist today to set up a meeting to talk with him for her well being through the transition. Her father is unaware. He is in "me me me" mode and doesn't plan on spending much of his free time with her when he's not at work because he "has a life" he told me and she "has to deal with it." -_-

OP posts:
Heathcliffitsme · 07/05/2017 07:12

So where will his daughter be while he's living his new life?

Original poster
Mistakenforstrangers · 07/05/2017 07:17

My guess if not with me (I know I have to set boundaries on that as I'm not going to play babysitter every day), with a babysitter. His family members are all an hour away. He did live her at the home of his "advice giver" tonight as they have a child her age. He keeps bringing her there as I think he sees them as a babysitter option. Mind you he packed her with no change of clothes or pajamas.nothing

OP posts:
Angrybird123 · 07/05/2017 07:32

I'm so so sorry you're having to deal with this absolute infantile bollocks. I'm afraid it's a well-worn path. Almost always it's the man who gets to a certain point (and usually yes there is a 'someone else' or the possibility of one) that suddenly has them kick back against their settled life . Be prepared for this to get worse - the typical pattern is that he will blame you for daring to have fallen into a stable routine and his devastating actions are therefore your fault. The situation with his daughter is very difficult and obviously much more complex than if she was yours. From what you describe it could easily be that you could end up with her being with you a great deal but he'd have no obligation to pay you maintenance or anything and you would just be facillitating his single 'free' life. I very much doubt he has really worked out for a second how being a single parent is - the 100% responsibility for everything - uniform, hobbies, dentists appointments, her social life - it will all be down to him . There's nothing you can do to make him see this I'm afraid. It's shattering to watch someone out a bomb under their life (and yours) and not be able to stop them but there's nothing you can do except look after yourself xx

Paperdoll16 · 07/05/2017 07:40

That poor little girl. Being taken away from her mother for presumably safeguarding reasons and then building up a wonderful caring and loving relationship with you over the past 4 years and he's going to cut that off too, all because he's met a younger, more exciting colleague who will inevitably become predictable and routine once he's known her for a good few years too! Hmm

I feel for you, op. I really do. I know someone this has just happened to. Only weeks from getting married and everything paid for. Her fiancé had started a new job in October (so they had more time together) but he had his head turned and from November onwards he started behaving differently. Just after Christmas he called the wedding off as he cold feet but then walked by Feb. New 'friend' appeared on the scene in march.

I don't for a second believe he doesn't have feelings for you still. It sounds like he has everything in you and you have a wonderful relationship with his DD and his family. However, something exciting has come his way at work and he's finding it irresistible. His advice giver (probably her friend as well as mutual colleagues) is going to favour her and is goading him into this wrong choice, especially in view of his DD whose emotional wellbeing has already been damaged from an early age.

Everyone is right though. You will only become desirable to him again if you appear to have moved on. Do not allow him to just come back and get in the moment with you. Tell him, if you don't want me then you're not going to sleep with me anymore.
Honestly, it's only once a betrayed spouse shows that they're not bothered anymore that the cheater will start to question if they're doing the right thing. That's because at the moment he knows you're still very available to him, if he chooses. Stop allowing that. He's taking advantage and he loves it.

BusterGonad · 07/05/2017 08:01

He's leaving his daughter with a friend from work, and not packing anything for her for the night. Great father. It concerns me that he can't even fulfill the simple task of packing adequately let alone look after his own child without palming her off on someone else.

Bluntness100 · 07/05/2017 08:08

I'm sorry op. I think he is seeing someone else. His advice giver has probably told him not to string uou along as it's not fair what he's doing, hence his response.

Sorry, but the overwhelming odds are there is someone else.

Original poster
Mistakenforstrangers · 07/05/2017 08:14

To be honest i think his advice giver's 21 year old daughter is the "someone else." She also works at his job and her father the "advice giver" was fired from the same company a year ago; that's how he met them

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 07/05/2017 08:17

How old is he op? 😔

Heathcliffitsme · 07/05/2017 08:18

And how does the father feel about that? Does he know?

Bluntness100 · 07/05/2017 08:19

I suspect the father might be ok with a relationship but not a clandestine affair, hence rhe advice...

Original poster
Mistakenforstrangers · 07/05/2017 08:28

@bluntness100 he's 36 :-

I'm not sure what kind of father thinks his young daughter should date someone almost twice her age with a child of his own.

His advice giver has been married 3 times by the way -_-

OP posts: