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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend of 7 years left me; Mid life crisis? So lost :(

44 replies

Mistakenforstrangers · 06/05/2017 23:37

I have been with my boyfriend for the past 7 years. I'm 33 and he is turning 36. Commitment has always kind of been an issue to him. He has a 10-year old daughter we have been raising for 4 years from a previous (Short) relationship of his. Everything seemed to be going well. We had a down payment set to put on our first house as we were actively looking, he was planning a vacation for our upcoming anniversary...and then all of a sudden he took it all away.

At 1am about a month and half ago he calls me into the bedroom and tells me he 'can't do this anymore.' All of his reasons don't even make valid sense to leave a person (we're in too much of a routine, etc etc), and the 'there's no spark like our first few months of dating' as if we haven't had 2 apartments and a child together and are almost a decade in.

He and his daughter have been living here still until Summer vacation comes for school as to not disrupt her. She came from a troubled background as it is with her mother 700 miles away, which is why she was taken away from there. I care about he well being of the child immensely, as her and I are extremely bonded, possibly even more so than her biological parents. That is the reason they are still here right now. I can't kick her out of her stable home situation that will crumble into school.

He now secured a tiny apartment this week for them to live in, and even though has told me he 'loves and cares about me' he also quickly tells me 'it isn't going to work.' I'm confused, hurt, baffled, and devastated as he seemingly walks around with no emotion about the whole situation.

Earlier this year he got a big raise at his job that gave him a higher position and it looks like it went to his head. Like all of a sudden he 'didn't need anyone.' He hasn't told any of his family yet as they'd give him an earful, and a part of this decision I was told was made after hanging out with his younger co-worker friends for work events where he felt 'free' and a former co-worker at the job who keeps giving him 'advice,' somehow roped him into a pyramid scheme, and made him think life with me is terrible. It isn't; I literally worshiped the ground he walked on. This 'advice' giver also has been married 3 times by the way.

I am pretty sure he isn't 'dating' anyone at the moment as he comes home on time right after work as usual; spends the weekend with his daughter and I as we play 'house' for her until she knows. Though we sleep in different rooms secretly and have no regular physical contact. He does come over and give me random hugs sometimes, and to be honest we've slept together 3 times since the break up. Almost a 4th the other night but his daughter called for him in her room and he stopped himself.

I've seen him texting 'hearts' every now and then to who I do not know. I'm afraid to see the name. He claims 'friends from work,' which I can't confirm or deny since he seems to be here more than ever. All of the 'younger' people at work he told our business too who are validating all of his feelings and moves. He's avoiding his family like the plague because he knows they'd be like WHAT ARE YOU DOING. I am very close to his family, especially his mother.

Also this situation also started after one of his good friends just got married, another friend just got engaged to his girlfriend of like 12 years and since he's been helping his close cousin do wedding stuff as he is the best man. I feel like it's a case of early mid life crisis and cold feet. He had left his phone on the bed the other evening, open to a text to his 'advice giver' and it said that he has to 'repress his feelings towards me because he still has them.' I don't understand any of this at all. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I hurt so much right now, and when he actually moves into the new apartment I'm not even sure how I'm going to get through it.

I'm not even sure what advice anyone can give here. Will he suddenly turn around? has anyone had a similar thing happen I feel like I'm lost and even though I should be 'angry' I'm just so, so sad. My whole little family, even though nontraditional, is going to be gone. We talked and I will still be in the little girl's life, but it's not the same and it hurts, so, so bad.

OP posts:

JustAnotherYellowBelly · 07/05/2017 09:05

If he has an apartment already, just tell him to go. He doesn't appreciate you and doing stuff for himself may just pull him out of the "midlife crisis".
At the moment, it's not really real to him.

Is there any chance you could keep his daughter with you?

AhYerWill · 07/05/2017 09:07

You poor thing. Its tough, but you need to protect yourself now. Stop doing anything for him that you won't be doing when he leaves. Definitely stop sleeping with him (he's likely already sleeping around, so get an sti check too).

Do more stuff for you, start going out more in the evenings (even if it's just to the gym) so you're not stuck at home playing house with this fuckwit and having him rub it in your face. Start telling your friends and family - spend time with them and get their support. Make it real so that when it comes to the day he goes, it's not an enormous shock.

Mostly though, see him for what he really is - a user and a cheat - and realise how much better your future will be without him.

ijustwannadance · 07/05/2017 09:14

So he is hedging his bets on the 21 year old. Making excuses to visit his friend more to see her. Trying to see if it will go anywhere before actually leaving.

Make that decision yourself OP. Tell him to leave now.

The twat has zero concern for you or how it will effect his poor daughter. He's been taking her there to play the great dad card.

Bluntness100 · 07/05/2017 09:57

I'm not sure what kind of father thinks his young daughter should date someone almost twice her age with a child of his own

To be fair she is 21 op. An adult. I can imagine her father not happy and supporting her in not wishing him to be in two relationships at once, but I can't imagine he has much say past that. All he can probably do is make it as clean as possible.

To be fair on the father here, if his advice is he should not be messing either woman about and if he wishes to pursue a relationship with his daughter then to only do so if free, if not then leave his daughter alone, it's not the wrong advice.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 07/05/2017 10:03

As much as you love his dd you need to step back and let him do the parenting. . Don't further enable him to be a twat to you and a bad df.

He needs to step her with her. . . He will realise he has no time for a new life!
But def an ow in the wings.

Isetan · 07/05/2017 14:36

Mid life crisis my arse, funny how the MLC is an affliction that only appears to affect males. Personally I think the MLC is an excuse to explain the piss poor behaviour of some men and is used by women to live in denial.

The way he's treating his daughter is inexcusable, man oh man, is getting his leg over more important than the needs of his vulnerable child, this callousness alone would make my skin crawl.

Good for you by prioritising his DD but be very careful as he will use your caring nature against you and that won't be good for his daughter either. Children can cope with change, it's the uncertainty that messes them up and the sooner there's clarity, the less devastating it will be for her.

TheNaze73 · 07/05/2017 15:37

I agree that he should have ended it if the spark had gone but, he's been a cock how he's gone about it

Livelovebehappy · 07/05/2017 20:28

He's being an arse. Clearly OW in the picture, and he is treating you with contempt by using you for occasional sex, whilst he keeps telling you that he isn't getting back with you. What low life does this to someone who he has shared his life with for seven years?? It never ceases to amaze me how men can be so callous and cold. Tell him to leave asap, as having him living with you still is just prolonging the misery for you.

HildaOg · 07/05/2017 21:31

People are entitled to leave relationships they're not happy with. He's obviously moved on mentally and just waiting to be able to provide a home for his daughter elsewhere.

Leave him be. Move on yourself.

Original poster

Mistakenforstrangers · 09/05/2017 00:43

Hi all!

Thank you so much for your help, advice and words. I'm going through everything this evening as I had a crazy day.

The day started off very, very weird. He woke me up at 6 in the morning before he got ready for work, to hug me and apologize for 'everything he's been doing and how he's been acting, and the whole situation.' Not that it changes anything, but it was so weird, and at 6am I didn't even comprehend it.

Today his daughter also got sent home from school as she told the kids in class she plans on killing herself. We had to take her to the psychiatrist and now she is 'under watch' because she detailed how she is going to do it. Rough day for sure. It worries me how she's going to handle the upcoming news. Something always comes out of the blue. I know it's technically not my problem but i'm worried sick about her right now.

OP posts:

numberseven · 09/05/2017 04:28

I agree that he should have ended it if the spark had gone

Spark my arse, he should be thinking about his child who is now apparently suicidal and who has finally had some stability with the OP, until now. How selfish can men be???

mummytime · 09/05/2017 05:34

Does his DD have a social worker? If so I would contact them to give them warning of what is going on. If not I would phone social services for "advice" on how to best handle the situation.
Has his DD been referred to CAHMS? If so you will need to let them know what is going on at home too.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 09/05/2017 05:50

Manny, don't thinkk op is in the uk.

Original poster

Mistakenforstrangers · 09/05/2017 05:53

On top of all this he told her today about the fact we've broken up and they will be moving! After everything she's been through today. She's walking around as if in denial and broke down about it before bed. He and I were supposed to meet with her therapist alone this week to discuss how to handle all of it. I'm livid!

OP posts:

ijustwannadance · 09/05/2017 07:42

He woke you up to apologise for his behaviour. Well that's a guilty conscience for you! So OP but thing with his other 'friend' must have stepped up a notch.

That poor bloody child. I'm wondering if she already knew, especially with being taken to advice givers house to stay there. If it is the 21 year old DD, anything could've been seen or overheard. She also would be able to sense the tension at home.

He is so wrapped up in his new infatuation he is oblivous to it's effect on his child. I'm not saying you should be staying together but he has handled it very badly.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 09/05/2017 12:43

Women are told time and time again on here that they can leave a relationship for any reason they like if they aren't happy. If doesn't have to be an obvious reason, just if their heart isn't in it any more. So why is it that when a man follows this advice he's a twat for wanting to end things? His parenting is a seperate issue completely, and he certainly needs to up his game in that department if he doesn't even think of packing PJs for an overnight, and is insensitive RE bad news timing and his DD.

Offred · 09/05/2017 13:47

Would you be able keep his daughter and get rid of him?

It really does not sound like he has her best interests at heart and that he is a total dick TBH

timeisnotaline · 09/05/2017 13:54

My heart goes out to the poor daughter! However hearing about his parenting skills makes him sound very unappealing even leaving the rest aside. I wouldn't want a relationship with him.

mummytime · 09/05/2017 14:15

Women are told time and time again on here that they can leave a relationship for any reason they like if they aren't happy.
The difference here is that he's said I'm leaving but not until it's convenient for me, so in a few months time. And he's using his DD as blackmail for the OP not to just chuck him out.

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