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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Domestic violence

36 replies

WillAndDisgrace · 06/05/2017 19:59

Today was the last straw, I called to police but he left before they came. We got in a argument, he got in my face shouting. I do t want to go into detail as it's with the police now. He's been charged with common assault and battery befor so not sure will happen now. I'm my son has gone to my Dsis for the night, he doesn't need to see the snivelling wreck of a mum.

OP posts:
thistoosha11pass · 06/05/2017 20:01

FlowersFlowers sorry you are going through this op. Good luck

Original poster
WillAndDisgrace · 06/05/2017 20:02

I feel so scared no, for what my future will hold, how can I afford the mortgage, keep my job, be on my own.....

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 06/05/2017 20:04

Oh no OP. I'm sorry. Are you safe tonight? Can he access your property?

Original poster
WillAndDisgrace · 06/05/2017 20:06

He won't come here, I can lock the door but I know he won't try to get in

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 06/05/2017 20:26

you will do it. you have managed to call the police so you can do it.

Shayelle · 06/05/2017 20:31

Well done for calling the police on him. Deep breaths. You can do this x

welshdee · 06/05/2017 21:05

Being on your own will be far better than being with a man who has beat you. Your son won't have to see it & think that is normal life.
Honestly I've been there. Take one day at a time your life will be far better alone with your son x

WickedLazy · 06/05/2017 21:11

One day at a time Flowers Tomorrow will be better. You shouldn't have to live in fear and anticipation. I'm glad your sister seems to have your back.

Shewhomustgowithoutname · 07/05/2017 02:01

Good for you to take the step towards Police. It is scarey to look ahead at this bit but you will cope.

Original poster
WillAndDisgrace · 07/05/2017 09:27

I don't want him to go to prison...but his probation only finishes 2 months ago for the same thing....I'm worried sick what will happen, I can't eat and I know SS will be wanting to visits now Sad what a mess

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 07/05/2017 09:35

If he goes to prison it's his fault, not yours.

Concentrate on one problem at a time. First stop, benefits. Do you need info about claiming?

OnTheRise · 07/05/2017 09:36

You don't deserve to be treated like that. I hope you feel better soon: you definitely did the right thing. You're brave and wonderful.

WickedLazy · 07/05/2017 12:08

How are things today op?

Original poster
WillAndDisgrace · 07/05/2017 13:01

Not great, feel pretty crappy and can't stop crying. Need to sort myself for when DS comes home, he has nursery tomorrow so I'll have to get some shopping in. Don't even want to go out. Spoke to H, not sure where he is but I see his van has gone from the drive. We love each other but we just can't be together.....I'm preparing for when he turns nasty

OP posts:
Redhead17 · 07/05/2017 15:37

Firstly you know deep down you've done the right thing. Yes social services are likely to visit but you removed him and the police helped you therefore you are responsible and putting your safety and child's safety first.

Deep breaths

Get your shopping, cry when you get in, sort your son out, cry when he is in bed.

It will get better right now its turmoil and its terrifying but as the days go by the little butterfly sick feeling gets less and less

Prison is the best place for someone like brag don't you dare feel guilty over someone else's bad choices

Flowers
Original poster
WillAndDisgrace · 07/05/2017 16:16

How the hell do you just stop loving someone, nearly 10 together, my best friend, I know people will say that's not love......but it hurts so much, it takes my breath away, the thought of him not in my life is a physical pain to me.

OP posts:
Redhead17 · 07/05/2017 16:19

You can't just stop loving someone, you're emotionally attached and deep down you hope that the person you fell in love with is in there.

Of course you're going to have feelings but they go much quicker than physical scars which is what you're going to be left with if you carry on with this man.

No one is asking you to switch off your feelings just think of you and your son

Original poster
WillAndDisgrace · 07/05/2017 16:25

My son is home now, he's such a good boy, he doesn't deserve all this....I hope my H can keep a relationship all the children together, I have two dsc, 16 & 10 and they all love each other. I think I'm going to have to quit my job. :(

OP posts:
SailAwayWithMeHoney · 07/05/2017 16:34

You've said he's just come off of probation for the same thing, was that the same offence against you?

I think you know you've done the right thing Will. Have police signposted you to your local domestic abuse support agency, if you have one? If not, you could try calling the National Domestic Violence Helpline (Women's Aid) a call on - 0808 2000 247
You can call them even if you've been signposted, they are good to talk to.

As for SS, the best thing you can do now is work with them, they can support you to leave him. I know that that's probably not what you want to do but I do think you know that it's the best thing for you and DC. Have SS had much involvement up until this point?

That you've said you're preparing for him to turn nasty speaks volumes Will.

Attached is the cycle of abuse diagram which shows a pattern you may recognise. At this point in time the cycle has been wobbled because now there is police involvement, so he is likely to be thinking what he can try to regain control - begging, pleading, promises to change, threats to harm you, the DC or himself, gaslighting and manipulating, whatever he feels will work to get that cycle back on track.

I'm sorry Will, but he likely doesn't love you. If he did he wouldn't abuse you.

You don't just stop loving someone, it takes time. Coming out of abuse is a healing process, and you do grieve. And that's perfectly normal. You're doing so well even if you don't feel like it Flowers

EasyToEatTiger · 07/05/2017 16:50

It is awful to glimpse at the grim reality of an abusive relationship, and yes, it is a grieving process. Are you familiar with the Power and Control Wheel. Please, please take all the help that is offered. Cry as much as you need to. You will get through it. Womens' Aid are fantastic, and at such a really difficult time, they are so supportive. I don't know if you've looked at the Freedom Programme? It helps enormously to build yourself up and recognise behaviours for what they are, in the company of other women who have experienced similar. Flowers

Original poster
WillAndDisgrace · 07/05/2017 16:51

Sail he's never been one to beg....he's always been the one to stay away and it me asking him to come home. The ball has always been in his court. It's always me needing to change. Sorry, I don't know what gaslighting is but will google. If I sit here and think about the way he's treated me, the coldness, the grumpiness just because it's Monday, controlling with money, this all for more and more....it's the man I met 9 years ago I miss....he was very jealous back then.....I lost most of my friends and could never even glance in passing at another man.....I couldn't even watch films wth brad Pitt in! I'm not perfect either, I wish it had never got to this, we should never have got back the first time this happened

OP posts:
SailAwayWithMeHoney · 07/05/2017 17:26

Sorry the diagram didn't upload - here's a link - i2.wp.com/www.soulshepherding.org/wp-content/uploads/Cycle-of-Abuse.png

They don't all do all of them if that makes sense?

You sound so much like how I did Will Flowers I used to beg mine to come back, to forgive me, always accepted his version of events (for example, he once accused me of eyeing up some man who'd past us in town. I denied it because I hadn't even noticed a man, he would then say how he saw me do it, it makes him feel so shit when I do things like that, and besides the man was looking back at me so he'd obviously noticed me checking him out aswell. And then I'd apologise. Accept his version and apologise. Question myself "maybe I did" "why would he be so sure I did if I didn't" "I must have done".) - This is also gaslighting.
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-signs-gaslighting-in-relationship this link explains it quite well aswell.

You begging him to come back is part of his having control over you, he doesn't beg because he knows he doesn't need to... it's totally normal to miss the person you fell in love with, and that's why every now and again he probably pulls him out of the bag - Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde? Sometimes he'll be really nice and remind you of old times and then you think "ah there he is!" The best advice I can really give is to write down all the bad/horrible things he's done (possessiveness, jealously, not allowing you watch Brad Pitt, being distant or cold with you, controlling with money, physical abuse, if he criticizes you unfairly) anything that he does that makes you feel bad about yourself, any times he's promised to change and hasn't, times he's lied to you, and then when you can't think of anything else, read it back. Remind yourself what he's like, what he's done, and ask yourself if you really want all that back Flowers

Mooey89 · 07/05/2017 17:37

Op.
I left my absusive exH 3 years ago now. I also had to leave my live in step daughter who I adored.

I loved him. I had never loved anyone more gab him, but it was an unhappy, unhealthy, poisonous love.
One day he strangled me, and I left. I had nothing. No income as was on Mat leave, 6 month old baby, and the clothes on our backs.

Now, I work and provide for my baby. I'm divorced. I'm with the most amazing man. We are so, so happy. We are equal partners where I am allowed an opinion, I can watch what I want on TV (your comment about Brad Pitt really struck a chord!) I can do what I want, when I want.

Most importantly, my son is thriving. Absolutely thriving.

You can do this OP. You CAN do this. You are so strong.

What convinced me was this:
Will you be able to live with yourself in 20 years, having to care for the bruises that your son has left on his girlfriends face? Because if you raise him with an abuser, he will learn that it is normal. Your step daughters will think it is normal. If you can't do it for you, do it for them.

Original poster
WillAndDisgrace · 07/05/2017 19:08

I remember driving back from Cornwall once, just gazing out the window and he accused be of looking into the cars to see the men! I looked at my feet for the rest of the journey.....this was before DS, but it was still humiliating I from of dsd and dss.

OP posts:
Mooey89 · 07/05/2017 19:54

I know Will, ExH used to do the same - I wasn't allowed to watch anything with an attractive character because I was constantly accused of being attracted to them.

I couldn't walk down the street for being accused of looking at the men or flirting with them, I used to walk looking at the floor.

He accused me of having an affair with my married boss once.

Please love. My life, it's so much better now. You can do it. You CAN do it.
Read Lundy Barncroft 'why does he do that' - it will all slot in to place for you.

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