Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When should I meet his kids?

34 replies

Sacha1993 · 06/05/2017 16:53

(I totally just spent about half an hour writing this damn post and I think it deleted instead of posting... ugh)

TL:DR - boyfriend of 3 weeks wants me to meet his kids - I'm not sure... help!!

Basically, I've been speaking to this guy since July, met in October and made the relationship official 3 weeks ago. He's 28, I'm 23 and he has 3 kids 7-9.

I'm aware I'm still young and the relationship is really really early and tbh I wasn't planning on meeting his kids for at least year or so (and I'm pretty sure he knew my opinion on it!) but he's just invited me to a family gathering at the end of May which involves meeting his kids.

To be honest it's something I've been thinking about recently anyway (when I should meet them) and I had been reading some threats on here and they either say dont meet them until you know it will last long term (and 3 weeks isn't long enough to know that will happen) or meet them early so you know they like you.

I've already met his mum, stepdad, grandma and a couple cousins so I'm already being introduced to family but I'm definitely avoiding meeting his kids more than he is.

I'm a teacher (EYFS/KS1/SEN) but I'm back at uni now (in a different city to him) so the only times I get to see him are at the weekends and I always feel bad because he sees his kids at the weekends and wednesdays so more time spent with me means less time he can spend with his kids which isn't fair in my opinion (he needs to spend more time with them rather than me). We see each other once or twice every month but since we've become official we've seen each other a lot more (thanks to bank holidays). But he keeps saying that once I meet them we can all spend time together (he's said it a lot, like he wants me to meet them soon)

There was loads more information in my deleted post but I can't remember it off the top of my head now so if you need more info to help me then just ask.

Either way, I think it's not fair on his kids to introduce me just yet but I know it's his choice anyway because they are his kids. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to meet them, I just want to make sure the time is right. It's also up to their mum too - I think I'd be a bit pissed if I was her...

Anyway, any advice welcome... please help!

OP posts:
FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 06/05/2017 16:57

It sounds like he wants you to meet them for convenience so he doesn't have to juggle having a girlfriend and being a parent.

3 weeks is far too soon imo.

I would be thinking 6 months - a year depending in the ages of the kids, when the parents split, if their mum has a partner etc.

You're right to be cautious.

Original poster
Sacha1993 · 06/05/2017 16:59

That was my thinking too... They split in 2012, the eldest was 4 and the twins would have been 2. Their mum has a partner, from what I've heard they've been in the relationship for a while and he has met them but I don't know how long they were together before he met them (I feel like it's kinda different anyway since she has them most of the time)

OP posts:
Biloxi · 06/05/2017 16:59

I wouldn't date a man who's willing to miss seeing his kids for a gf he's had for 3 weeks.

Seriously.

Original poster
Sacha1993 · 06/05/2017 17:00

They are 7 and 9 now (sorry, misread your message...)

OP posts:
Original poster
Sacha1993 · 06/05/2017 17:02

Biloxi, there would literally be no other time for him to date then... he works full time

OP posts:
Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 06/05/2017 17:02

Can you not go as a friend?
What if you wait a year or so and it's clear it won't work?
An initial meet up may help you see if the relationship is going anywhere. .

Seeing him as a df will be an indication of who he really is. .

ImperialBlether · 06/05/2017 17:04

It sounds as though you're going to be rushed into a much more serious relationship than you're ready for, simply because of his children.

Tbh at 23 I think you should be free of that sort of thing. You live in a different area, he's already got three children and if you see him you're either depriving his children of his company or you'll be with the children, too.

I think there's a mismatch there and I would let him go.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 06/05/2017 17:06

Biloxi, there would literally be no other time for him to date then... he works full time
No, there would be no other time for him to date someone available only at weekends, like you.

OhhBetty · 06/05/2017 17:07

Agree with Biloxi. A man who would sack off his kids when he doesn't have them much isn't a good one! I also wouldn't date someone who wanted to rush me meeting his kids when he hardly knows me for convenience rather than what's best for the child.
There are other times for him to date. He has every single night after work to himself other than Wednesdays I work and I'm a single mum. I never ever have a day without my son or being at work. I still date as I can get a babysitter once he's in bed for example. That doesn't cut into my time with him and no need to to be having different people around him when I don't even know if they're right for me or not.

Original poster
Sacha1993 · 06/05/2017 17:08

The different area problem is only until I finish my masters (september) then I'm moving nearer him anyway (because my family is near him.... moving to my family not specifically to him...)

I honestly don't mind that he's got kids, and it's not about whether I'm going to let him go or continue the relationship. I think the point is being missed. At this moment in time I'd like to continue the relationship. I just wanted advice on when you guys feel I should meet his kids.

I'm happy meeting them whenever but I'm aware that meeting them too soon might not be the best decision for them. Should I accept the invite to the family gathering or should I suggest he should wait a bit before he starts planning the meetup...

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 06/05/2017 17:11

If you continue the relationship you are either playing happy families too soon - for you and more importantly for his children - or you are requiring him to see less of his children. Neither is good, and a man willing to do either is thinking only of himself.

Original poster
Sacha1993 · 06/05/2017 17:15

Sorry, Justmadeperfectflapjacks, I didn't see your message... that's a good idea. I might suggest that to him. Thanks :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Sacha1993 · 06/05/2017 17:23

Also, I forgot to mention. He's just passed his driving test and got a car so he's planning on coming to mine on week nights now too so he's not giving up time with his kids.... should have mentioned that earlier. I'd do the same but the university won't let me park my car anywhere (I live on campus)

OP posts:
LedaP · 06/05/2017 17:27

He has missed having his kids to spend time with you?

C0untDucku1a · 06/05/2017 17:27

What is his career?

Original poster
Sacha1993 · 06/05/2017 17:33

From what I'm aware there has been at least one weekend where his parents took them for the weekend. Other times his kids have had plans with friends or their mum and these were all planned before he decided to see me that day/weekend.

We don't normally spend the whole weekend together either, up until a few months ago it's only been day visits, now we'll spend one night and he'll have the kids the rest of the weekend. Plus, as mentioned earlier, he's now driving so we can meet up on week nights instead of being limited to weekends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sacha1993 · 06/05/2017 17:35

He's a landscape gardener

OP posts:
LedaP · 06/05/2017 17:41

So why do feel bad when he is with you and not the kids?

Meeting them, imo, is a bad idea.

Even if you do it as friends. He is wanting you to meet them so you can all spend time together at weekends.

Kids arent stupid it will not take kids of 7-9 long to figure it out. Then wonder why their dad lied.

Emmageddon · 06/05/2017 17:47

It's too soon, stick to your guns of waiting until you have been together a year. You may find in another 3 weeks, he's not the guy you want to date any more, and it's not fair on the children.

Silverdream · 06/05/2017 17:49

I think you could meet them as a friend as pp suggested and go from there.

There could also be the odd outing with his children just as a friend on weekends and then just play it by ear.

I wouldn't stay over or show affection for each other in front of them for a while.

I think that would be a nice soft way of getting them used to their dad being in a relationship.

September won't be long and it'll be easier.

Original poster
Sacha1993 · 06/05/2017 17:52

LedaP I don't really feel bad when he's with me... it's more when he says "oh I'm free next weekend" and it makes me wonder what he's doing with his kids and makes me feel a little bad that he doesn't get to see them every weekend which, in my opinion, he should be doing.

I don't think meeting them as friends would work anyway - I've said hi to them on skype before (it was accidental... they were in bed 'asleep' and one came out to ask him something, maybe get a drink I think, and realised I was on skype to him and they all came out and ambushed him...) so they know of me but I'm not sure what they know of me (if I'm a friend or girlfriend)

OP posts:
UppityHumpty · 06/05/2017 17:55

He has kids and they're always going to be a part of his life. My advice is to meet them now so you can see if that kind of life is for you. You're a lot younger than him, and judging from your posts a bit emotionally immature. There is nothing wrong with that, it's just that if I were your mum I would've advised you against dating a father right now. But you are and so you can't keep making him choose between you and the kids every weekend - it's not fair on any of you.

Original poster
Sacha1993 · 06/05/2017 17:56

Thanks, Emmageddon and Silverdream.

Emmageddon, I was thinking the same thing tbh - while I'd like the relationship to last now, it could easily change at any point.

Silverdream, the "show affection for each other in front of them for a while" wouldn't be a problem for me anyway haha I'm not a fan of PDA in front of anyone so not hugging/kissing in front of his kids won't be difficult since I don't hug and kiss anyone in front of anyone :P

And, yeh, September will make it a lot easier.

It's nice to know I was thinking along the right lines - tell him to chill for a bit about meeting the kids. :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Sacha1993 · 06/05/2017 18:00

OMG I got my age wrong! Not by much but still... I'm 24! :P

UppityHumpty - yeh I know, those were all things I've thought about... I spoke to my mum about it a few months ago and she said she thought I was being sensible not meeting them yet (but I still don't think she likes him all that much but for other reasons!).

OP posts:
UppityHumpty · 06/05/2017 18:04

True but you are dating a father, and so you do need to see if you'll gel with the kids. If you don't get on with them it doesn't matter if it's 3 weeks in or a yearnin, the relationship will fail. Far better to know sooner than later.

Swipe left for the next trending thread