Has anyone got any happy endings after anger management?

[SnackSnackEatAndCrave]

DP had a meltdown at Easter, smashed a load of glasses and shoved me. Completely out of the blue after almost 7 years together, never seen anything like it.
He's been staying with his parents, and sometimes working away, comes back on weekends to see DD who is 1. We talk and I miss him but haven't even touched since the incident and he slept in the spare room last night.

He has just started counselling, which he's paying for as the NHS list is long, and anger management is in his next steps. The GP gave him anti depressants.

We've never had any signs of an abusive relationship, and I am so confused about the future. I love him to bits and if this is due to his MH then I want to support him... But my friend is saying that it's just controlling behaviour he's just ticking the boxes so I take him back and he'll do it again. I'd probably have thought this from an outside perspective as well.

So I guess what I'm asking is has anyone stayed with a partner who's behaved aggressively and things have got better with therapy? Or do I cut my losses?

I would cut your losses and formalise all contact arrangements with his DD on a legal footing as well. He should not be sleeping in your home at all now particularly given his past behaviour towards you.

He has a problem with anger, your anger when you have called him out on what he is doing. He does not have an anger management problem at all, he can control himself around other people can't he?. He is taking out his anger on you and you alone. He has used his anger to further control you and there is nothing to stop him doing this again.

I would also suggest you talk to Womens Aid and enrol too on their Freedom Programme particularly if you have done neither to date.

I would read this as well:-

www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/01/anger-management-likely-to-increase-domestic-abuse/

You have a choice re this man, your child does not.

I think there's more hope for someone who has a 1 off aggressive episode and faces consequences immediately and actually sees his anger as his problem to sort out and starts sorting it out than the usual people who go for anger management.
Usually it's men who have always been aggressive, often they have personality disorders and take no responsibility "I can't control it, a black cloud comes down and I have to hit someone" that sort of thing.
Your guy sounds more hopeful. Time will tell. What are his family like?

Your friend is right. He doesn't threaten and punch strangers in the street, does he? Or his work colleagues when they disagree with him? If he can control himself around other people then he doesn't have an "anger management problem", he's an abusive wanker and therefore needs to stay away from you and your child. DO NOT allow him into your home! Not ever. If he wants to see your baby then it's in a public place with others around, where you might be safe from his abuse.

Like Attila said: you have a choice but your baby doesn't.

Why would you want to stay with someone who smashes glasses around and shoved you?

It should never have reached that stage - he should have walked away, not resorted to assault.

Leave him and find someone who doesn't think that's an acceptable way to treat another person. It's still abusive whether it happened once or ten times.

Your DD deserves better than to grow up in a violent home. The fact that it never happened before is irrelevant - your DD is only one and the fact is that abuse often starts during/after pregnancy as you're less likely to leave someone you have a child with.

Good luck.

Thanks everyone. I haven't made any firm decisions on our future, last night was the first night we'd slept under the same roof since it happened, and he's back with his parents today. I'm just so torn... How are you supposed to tell the difference between an abusive relationship and someone in crisis?

When it happened I was sure things were over. I refuse to raise my daughter in a violent home, or with a violent parent. I would rather be alone than in a relationship where I don't feel safe. But what has happened since makes me wonder if there's hope.
He's been respectful of my wishes to be out of the house and give me time to think. He's on antidepressants and counselling for his depression... Now it's been raised I can see his MH was a problem for weeks before as he had no motivation, no spark in him, which was really out of character.
The counselling is for DDs benefit, not mine. He was a fantastic parent before the outburst, and wants to be again, regardless of our relationship. I'm a SAHM (although just passed an interview, want to get back into work and not be financially dependent now) and he's been sending money for shopping and paying all the bills before I even thought about finances. He's lost so much weight and really seems to be trying to change.

I'm not really sure how anger management works if I'm honest, and he's not going yet, it's counselling he's having at the moment to get to the root of his issues. But his dad mentioned that he'd also be doing anger management.

His dad is brilliant, was horrified and has not excused his behaviour at all, but is concerned that DP was capable of doing it. He's offered to pay for couples counselling if I want to make a go of things as obviously it won't be plain sailing. I'm closer to him than my own dad, and feel genuinely supported. We're supposed to be going away in October as a family and he still wants me to come even if DP and I are broken up. (obviously this is unlikely to happen but it's nice that he feels that way!)
MIL is horrendous though. We've not seen eye to eye since DD was born really. She phoned me up in the week to see what I'd done, as it must be my fault, and DP was "protecting" me by not telling her what had happened. She refuses to see anything bad about him, even though he's admitted his behaviour is inexcusable!

Thanks for the link @Attila - a lot of food for thought there!

OP I think that given this was a one off and he has immediately sought help then there is a chance still. My husband is struggling with his MH and although he has never been violent to me he has broken things and dented our car. There is a huge history and had I not been with him then maybe I wouldn't be so forgiving but MH is complex and men do react very differently to women. Feel free to PM if you want

Gosh, him, him, him, him, let's talk about him and his needs.

You were attacked in your own home. Must have been terrifying. These are difficult times for you. Have you had counselling yourself?

Thanks @Just this is why I'm finding it so hard to know what to do. How do you know if it's behaviour to control me or just lashing out because he can't cope?
Weirdly @Rabbit I wasn't as scared as perhaps I could have been... More angry! How dare he do this in our daughter's home?! He shoved me into the table when I tried to stop him damaging anything else, so I left him to it, I wasn't putting myself in harms way any more!
I'm not going to counselling, just throwing myself into planning for the future. Whatever happens I won't be financially dependent on anyone ever again. My daughter starts nursery in 2 weeks and I'm hopefully going back to work. I've researched tax credits etc to see what I'll be entitled to if I leave. I know I can make it on my own and I will not let my daughter grow up thinking violent relationships are okay.
But there's such a nagging doubt in my mind that he's telling the truth. And he's struggling. And we should take it on as a family, not destroy everything we had. FFS.

I found therapy hugely helpful for changing patterns of behaviour - transformative really. Wasn't domestic violence, and I am so sorry you went through that, but it completely changes responses and reactions to stressful scenarios. Good luck with it all.

If it's a One off and out of character then it would be reasonable to give him another chance.If he kicks off again then dump him -without hesitation.Its your choice ,trust your instincts

"And we should take it on as a family, not destroy everything we had".

Why re the first part of that sentence. He has done this and you are not responsible for the actions of another person. He alone has to take responsibility here for his actions.

You have not destroyed anything here; he has by his actions towards you and in turn his child.

Do not get bogged down in sunk costs; the above sentence of yours anyway seems very much like the "sunken costs fallacy".

I was in a similar situation.

I've been with my DH almost 20 years. He once shoved me. I asked him to leave, he wouldn't, so I called the police. He had counselling, as did I, and we had counselling together too.

Although he was suffering from mental health problems at the time, prior to this incident he was capable of acting like a bit of a dickhead occasionally. I think his mhp's exaggerated his worst traits.

He took full responsibility for his behaviour and there has never been a repeat. He's a better husband and father than ever before.

It was a long process though and we came very close to separating completely.

I agree with a previous poster in that there is no excuse for his behaviour. He chooses to behave how he does.

Smashing glasses is awful, very drammatic, and dangerous too. He really lost it didn't he? And then he "shoved you". I am wondering what the argument was about or what brought it on if you say it was so out of the blue.

Yet in 7 years its only one example of bad behaviour. I think posters are being very black and white about this myself. I think there is a difference between a single outburst and controlling behaviour, and wonder why both you and your friend are more likely to think the latter, is there a back story etc.

To be honest you can only act on your gut feeling, as well as other's advice. It really depends on you being honest about the relationship rather than a LTB script.

What was his logic for moving back in so soon? How many counselling sessions has he had?

What triggered this violent outburst in the first place?

I think most people know that violent outbursts like are very rarely a one-off.

Why would you want to risk that kind of behaviour around your 1yo? Can you really trust that it will never happen again? And if it does, will you leave, or will you make excuses again?

I imagine your friend knows you and your partner well..she is saying not to trust him based on what? Has she expressed concern before as her analysis of controlling appears insightful.

I think your friend and your initial gut reaction is right but over time memories of the event reduce and you start to justify.

It's still early days so perhaps you need more time.

Can you explain why he needs to send money for shopping?

Snack I think only you know the context and what he is like as a person normally. For me this is so out of character for my DH. But you definitely need time and evidence that he is truly remorseful for his behaviour. If he is serious he will wait as long as you need. Posters on MN can be so quick to say leave but only you know, for me we have years of history and he has never given up on me when I have been struggling. And obvs he needs to know that any hint of poor behaviour from now on and that's it. Good luck!

I'm going to try and cover all the points...

It was a row after a few glasses of wine (tipsy but not drunk) that started over me not wanting to go to a family event... Started off bickering, got a bit shouty and out of nowhere he chucked his glass at the wall. The whole mood changed then obviously. I shouted something along the lines of "what the fuck do you think you're doing" and he shouted at me to get out. He was just throwing glasses on the floor at this point, and I got between him and the cupboard to stop him getting things out to smash and he shoved me out of the way. I sat in the lounge for about half an hour before he went to bed and we didn't speak til morning when I called his dad who came over and took him back to theirs.

My friend and I have strong views on domestic violence as a friend of ours has been in a controlling and abusive relationship for years. She's been beaten black and blue but can't seem to leave
I always said once is too many times and that viewpoint is why I'm finding it so hard. As I genuinely believe it's a one off and he's depressed and needs support. But it's going against everything I believe in.

We had a great relationship before, met at uni, got good degrees and bought a house. DD was a surprise but only in timing, we were always planning a family and were over the moon. He's a brilliant dad, hands on, and she adores him. Pulls his weight around the house, gets on with my parents (no mean feat!), we have banter and until Easter we brought out the best in each other.

He was supportive of my decision to leave work as DD was poorly as a newborn and I didn't feel she was ready for nursery when my maternity leave was up. So I'm poor in my own right but all his wages are family money. We just never felt the need for a joint account. We usually shop online which he pays for, he leaves me his bank card when he's away, all the bills are in both names but go out of his account. I've been claiming jsa since things kicked off as I want to go back to work part time to support myself and DD if it was ever needed. He still sent me money to do the online shop and extra for upfront nursery fees and whatever DD and I need this month.

He's not moved back in, he came to see DD yesterday and after bedtime we talked until it was really late so I said he may as well stay. He stayed in the spare room and left after breakfast. I stayed with my parents for 4 days to have some help with DD while I got my head around things, but apart from that he's always stayed elsewhere.

The main reason I haven't given things another shot is because I don't know when I'll be sure he won't kick off again, and it's not fair to have that uncertainty around DD. She's obviously my priority and I just wish I could trust my judgement!

To those of you with positive stories... Thank you so much. It puts balance on things.

Oh and if we were to make a go of things, and there was ever a repeat performance, that's it. I'd be long gone and we'd have to have a contact centre. I don't make mistakes twice.

"As I genuinely believe it's a one off and he's depressed and needs support".

How can you be so sure that is the case?. One time is one time too many. The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is none.

Is that why your friend has stayed in her abusive relationship as well, the belief that he is depressed, needs help (from her) and the hope he will someday change?. That along with an innate and her very real fear of him amongst other reasons keeps people in such
relationships.

There is and was no justification for his actions. Depression also is not an excuse here to act as he did, how much of this is due to actual depression and how much of this is due to his being an arse?. You state his mother is a difficult person, how much is he like his mother?. She has indeed and will certainly continue to side with him here.

"But it's going against everything I believe in"

Yes it is.

And you are right; your DDs wellbeing (along with your good self I would add) is your main priority now. Not him.

People make mistakes, you'd both had a drink and he is taking responsibility for his actions. You have been very clear about your boundaries, if he knows he want to be with you he knows this can never append again. Continuing to have time apart and counseling will help you make your decision clearer.

*happen not append!