Has anyone got any happy endings after anger management?

[SnackSnackEatAndCrave]

DP had a meltdown at Easter, smashed a load of glasses and shoved me. Completely out of the blue after almost 7 years together, never seen anything like it.
He's been staying with his parents, and sometimes working away, comes back on weekends to see DD who is 1. We talk and I miss him but haven't even touched since the incident and he slept in the spare room last night.

He has just started counselling, which he's paying for as the NHS list is long, and anger management is in his next steps. The GP gave him anti depressants.

We've never had any signs of an abusive relationship, and I am so confused about the future. I love him to bits and if this is due to his MH then I want to support him... But my friend is saying that it's just controlling behaviour he's just ticking the boxes so I take him back and he'll do it again. I'd probably have thought this from an outside perspective as well.

So I guess what I'm asking is has anyone stayed with a partner who's behaved aggressively and things have got better with therapy? Or do I cut my losses?

Why were you having a row about you not wanting to go to a family event? That's an odd thing to have a row about in normal families.

I agree that if I didn't want to go to one of my husband's family events he might be upset or disappointed and would ask why but it wouldn't make him angry. I wouldn't stop him going. There is a controlling element of him wanting to tell you what to do. Had you insisted he go to your family's stuff in the past? Some couples get very hung up on doing extended family stuff together, but it isn't really a smashing glasses occasion.
I don't think becoming financially dependent on a man is a good idea though. It sounds as though you aren't married and have no joint finances just a casual agreement where he's lord bountiful with his money.

I'm wondering if he feels caught between you and MIL, the family event causing conflict. Also, reading your detailed account, he did not attack you at all, he was caught up in glass smashing (dangerous and yes out of control). Given what you say I think you would be justified in seeing how his therapy goes. I have on occasion thrown cups at walls in frustration and without having had alcohol. I'm not proud of it but it's not the end of the world.
Some of the thread responses on MN do concern me. Really, is there no redemption for anyone? Counselling and other treatments really can work...

That's an odd thing to have a row about in normal families
What are normal things to row about? We've had arguments and disagreements in the past and have got a bit shouty once or twice but it's never very serious and always easily solved, as this could have been. I thought that most arguments in normal families were silly things that maybe went a bit far, because if you have big things to row over all the time then you'd split up? My parents have once had a screaming row about dad leaving towels on the bed... Straw that broke the camel's back about not listening and my mum gave him the silent treatment for about 2 days until he bought flowers home... It's a running joke in my family now and they have a very happy marriage.
@Properjob yes he does feel very torn. I used to have a great relationship with MIL, we were a really close family and she and FIL have done a lot for us in the past. But she considers me to be a "hippy mother" and tells DP where I'm going wrong almost every time he speaks to her. I had PND and terrible anxiety when DD was a baby, so as you can imagine haven't enjoyed MILs company for the last year. DP has never been on her side with parenting decisions, we choose how to raise our daughter together, but he has found it hard saying no to his mum so much as usually we all get along so well and he obviously loves her to bits.
The reason we argued is because his mum wanted us to drive up Friday, for a Saturday afternoon event, and then stay for lunch on Sunday, and I didn't want to stay so long. I said I'd rather miss out on the Saturday than spend a whole weekend being lectured about breastfeeding a toddler and he was angry that I'm always negative about his mum. Things got quite heated from there but the smashing really came out of the blue!
@2Rebecca no the finances in hindsight were a bad choice. We have a joint mortgage and used to share money when I was at work, there was never any issue until I decided to stay at home with DD. And really there wasn't an issue then until this all kicked off and I had no options! I guess when you make decisions as a family you don't expect things to go so wrong, but it's not going to happen again. I've opened a savings account as a backup for me and DD... Granted there isn't much in it yet but with going back to work I should be able to build it up nicely. If things work out with DP then I'll buy DD a car or something when shes older, if things don't work out at least we aren't stranded!

OK Snack that's interesting. Forgot to say, get your name on the account as well as the bills. His money should go into a joint account of maybe he should put half in your name. That's very important. His reaction to that demand will be important too. Good morning!

I would probably give him a second chance. But slowly, at your pace.
Your gut reaction seems to be that this is a one off that shocked him as much as you. He's not trying to hide from it, and you both love each other...
I get this goes against firmly held beliefs about domestic violence, but you are the only one who can decide whether he means it or not.
And one strike and he's out.

Oh, and my OH have had screaming fights about much less important things than family visits. Personally, I would be surprised if there were many couples that never fought over each other's families!

I am not reading in your posts any of the usual red flags that seep through posts even when a poster is in denial of an abusive relationship.

I would however make sure that you are informed about what red flags are eg controlling behaviour, walking on eggshells, isolation. Never hurts to be aware. I wasnt and am still reaping the damage caused by an abusive relationship.

It reads to me as if your DP is taking steps to respect your wishes, own his actions and to carry on being supportive. I like the sound of your FiL but will MiL sabotage his help? My ex-MiL was very partisan in her reactions to me and ex. I am sure my ex's sense of entitlement came from her behaviour. So do look at her closely and her interaction with the rest of the family.

Thank you so much everyone for your responses. Long emotional day yesterday! DD developed a scary looking rash and a fever and we were in A&E for 7 hours! Thankfully it's just viral, and we were at home now keeping an eye on her temperature and watching endless episodes of Bing. DP obviously came to be with her in hospital, and afterwards came back to sit with her while I got some sleep.

We talked a lot last night about how he wants to fix things and I think we're going to give things a go. I've also spoken to my dad about it as he's obviously the most biased person I know... and he said if we were to have a checklist for how someone should behave after an outburst like that, DP has done all those things. I can't ask any more of him, so it comes down to if I trust him, and I do.

He has another 4 sessions of counselling to go on this cycle, and he's staying with his parents or at work at least until they're done and we have some next steps. Obviously 6 isn't enough so he'll carry on with that when he moves home. He wants to do couples counselling when he does come home so we can have an outside perspective on how things are going, as it's obviously going to take time to recover our happy relationship! He also said he'll pay for my counselling if I feel I need it.

@ProperJob I said to him about a joint account and we're going to set one up on Friday when he's back from work. Our wages and the child benefit will go into that. We're going to keep our own accounts and transfer £100 out of the joint into our own each month as spending money, and so there's always something ticking over just in case.

@childmaintenanceserviceinquiry thank you for your advice. I'm so sorry for what you went through, it must be so hard. When it first happened, I read up on abuse on women's aid website in case I'd been in a bubble but there really are no other signs. We have our own, and also mutual friends. We get on with each other's families - for the most part! He's always supported and encouraged me in whatever I want to do and we feel like a team.

MIL unfortunately isn't going to go away. It's been over a year since DD was born and despite repeatedly being told to lay off, she continues to put down my parenting. DP and FIL have both promised to speak to her again, and ask her to keep her views to herself, and in return I'll grin and bear it a bit more when it comes to weekends at her house! The positive thing is that he is much more like his dad than his mum, and will continue to stick up for our parenting choices.

Thank you all so much again... Fingers crossed for a happy ending!

Well done Snack, keep strong and he'll respect you all the more for it .