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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has he cheated again? Advice needed!

37 replies

AngelFleming123 · 05/05/2017 17:26

I've been with my partner just over a year, I found out I was pregnant in November and at the same time I found out my partner had cheated on me a month before, we agreed to work things out for the sake of the baby however today I found a used condom rapper in our bedroom, we don't use them anymore due to not needing to and I know for a fact that it couldn't have been there from when we did as I have completely blitzed our flat for the arrival of our baby in august. I confronted him and he said I was over reacting and he hasn't done anything, he said it could have come from anywhere. What do I do?
Any advice will be grately appreciated

OP posts:
Hassled · 05/05/2017 17:30

Well it could be completely innocent - it could have been stuck under something and dislodged recently. One condom wrapper on its own isn't proof, if that's what you need. Do you have any other reasons to suspect cheating?
But you don't trust him, he's given you very good reason not to trust him and what he should be doing now is everything in his power to make you feel loved and secure, rather than just telling you you're over-reacting. I'm sorry - it must be horrible.

Original poster
AngelFleming123 · 05/05/2017 17:34

There is other things as well, he's very secretive when it comes to his phone and social media and whenever he goes out he doesn't come home until the next day, I don't want to sound paranoid but I'm really starting to worry as we were supposed to be starting a fresh as a family c

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 05/05/2017 17:36

That's a tough one. What used to happen with empty wrappers? Straight in the bin? Or shoved in a drawer (where it could have fallen out from, had he been rummaging for clothes). Or I've heard that some men use them when having solo fun, but that always seems a bit bizarre to me.

I would be snooping all devices, Ipads, mobile phones, e-mails, texts, whatsapp etc. You could also check on his phone, where he has been, by using the location tracker.

If you can't get to is phone, then simply "forget" yours when you next go out together and then ask to borrow his to make a call. His reaction should tell you something.

I've seen it suggested before to check the car for a second phone: glove box and in the boot under the base cover of the boot (where the spare wheel is). Not sure if you drive, but if you do, you could pop to the shops in it, but actually drive to a car park somewhere and turn the car upside down.

Hopefully it's nothing. Flowers

MovingtoParadise · 05/05/2017 17:38

If he's staying out all night what's the explanation? Confused

He's clearly staying with someone else

Huskylover1 · 05/05/2017 17:38

he's very secretive when it comes to his phone and social media and whenever he goes out he doesn't come home until the next day

Cross posted. I think this changes everything, sorry. Where is he meant to stay after a night out?

You need to get your mits on that phone. Does he ever get totally plastered and you can nab it then?

mumsonthelash · 05/05/2017 17:39

Staying out all night is never good. He should be looking after you. Who does he stay with?

Hassled · 05/05/2017 17:39

Whether he's cheated or not that's no way to live your life - the stress of not trusting someone is awful. Do you have much RL support - family etc? Could you go it alone if it came to it?

Huskylover1 · 05/05/2017 17:40

Another thing I'd be tempted to do, is to create a false profile on Tinder/facebook/instagram (whatever he uses), and attempt to contact him and strike up a flirtation/meeting. Very drastic, but I'd have to know! Meanwhile, to his face accept his explanation. You don't want him deleting stuff because he thinks you're on to him.

Original poster
AngelFleming123 · 05/05/2017 17:41

Wrappers went straight in the bin and we've just had to get rid of the car to get a bigger one.. he never leaves his phone alone he always has it with him. When he stays out all night it's apparently in the club and then McDonald's on the way home but I don't even think the clubs are open at 5/6 in the morning

OP posts:
Original poster
AngelFleming123 · 05/05/2017 17:43

He's the only family I have so if I were to leave him I would be doing it all by myself obviously it would be hard but I'd do it if it meant my baby wouldn't be in a toxic environment

OP posts:
mumsonthelash · 05/05/2017 17:43

Yes don't ask anything yet. Stay under the radar till you have checked his phone

mumsonthelash · 05/05/2017 17:45

Stay out all night at the club? Never heard of that one.

mumsonthelash · 05/05/2017 17:48

Do people actually do that OP? Is that normal with others in your social circle? Hmmmmm I think he's lying.

Original poster
AngelFleming123 · 05/05/2017 17:49

I've never gone clubbing I fell pregnant before my 18th birthday, I think it's lies as well but I don't want to make any decisions without knowing 100% it's so frustrating I don't know how to go about it

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 05/05/2017 17:51

He's lying to you and cheating on you.

Can you be sure the condom wasn't used in your house, OP? Could he have brought someone home?

mumsonthelash · 05/05/2017 17:53

Goodness me you poor thing. How old is he? Is he as young as you?

Original poster
AngelFleming123 · 05/05/2017 17:54

I'm not sure, because we live in a flat I spoke to our neighbour who I get along well with and they haven't seen anyone however that doesn't mean anything, he works 7-5 but fridays he finished at 12 and I'm not always here when he gets home

OP posts:
Original poster
AngelFleming123 · 05/05/2017 17:54

He's 19 so he's older but not by much

OP posts:
mumsonthelash · 05/05/2017 17:55

Where are you family? You hardly know this man really if you have only been seeing him a year.

Original poster
AngelFleming123 · 05/05/2017 17:57

We were friends before we got together, I've known him for about 3 years now, I never had parents growing up, I was in and out of foster homes so wouldn't even know where to start about my family

OP posts:
Paperdoll16 · 05/05/2017 18:07

Oh lovely.

Your last post has made my heart reach out to you. More so because if your unbringing and now you've found yourself with someone who doesn't have much respect for you.

Let's say at the best case scenario and that the condom is innocent, along with the mobile glued to him and him staying out beyond the clubs closing (all highly unlikely but you'll keep hoping it's innocent as it's too difficult to accept the reality) he's also not looking after you or the pennies with a baby on the way. You have to lots to buy and as you've said no parents to help with the financial side of things.

However, the harsh reality is is that he's showing all the signs of being a cheat. The fact you're pregnant makes that more like it too, unfortunately.

Who does he go out with on these nights out? Does he text you and stay in contact with you when he's leaving you all night long?

You must be at well into your 2nd if not your 3rd trimester now as you found out you were pregnant in November. He needs to there for you (and not out of his face) in case anything happens like premature labour, waters breaking etc etc

Paperdoll16 · 05/05/2017 18:08

Btw how did you find out he cheated last time? And that was after being with him in the honeymoon period? Sad

Original poster
AngelFleming123 · 05/05/2017 18:23

Apparently he goes with a couple mates, his best excuse is that his phone dies when he's out so I can't phone him, I found out on his phone last time because I managed to get onto it whilst he was in the shower however he even takes it in there now! I just don't know what to do 😔

OP posts:
summerblonde · 05/05/2017 18:51

hmmm sounds dodgy to me.

He's very very young to be having a baby, yes I know there are many exceptions to the rule, it doesn't sound like one of those times though.

He should be stepping up and looking after you, but he's 19. He probably doesn't know how to, or particularly want to.

You sound like you know in your gut. The only thing I would say is, the chances of him nipping home at lunch with someone and not knowing when you will be home are slim.

Play it by ear and see how he goes.. you're vulnerable and you have no other support so you might forgive him for things others with support wouldn't. I feel for you OP. Xx

category12 · 05/05/2017 18:55

Oh you know he's cheated, why else would there be a condom wrapper in a room you know you've cleaned? He stays out all night. He's cheated before.

You've only been together a year. Do yourself a favour and ditch the twat and bring up the baby on your own.