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Original poster

AIBU - Sleeping Husband - not sleeping beauty!

34 replies

LillyFlower20 · 05/05/2017 14:54

So I am annoyed.com.

My husband says that he doesn't feel refreshed after sleeping - no matter what time he wakes up. After many years of this affecting our relationship in all senses, I had a breakdown last year and he said he has a problem and I said then he needs to get help. I was ready to leave. We don't just by ourselves - the extended family network etc - so my thinking process is not just having sex but our room is the only place we can have our couple catchup and personal chats etc. It has been not too bad this year - he works from home which doesn't help things (the division of work/home/play is blurred) but even it is late, we have been making time to watching TV together, chatting etc. We had a whole period where more often than not, he wouldn't come to bed, ended up sleeping on the sofa/chair etc. I am not talking about days or weeks, it was years. Even when I had let him sleep til 3pm (!) - I would still catch him snoozing in the afternoon...it is one thing I cannot stand. And quite embarrassing! Once or twice fine but....When I would angry with him, he would shut down. When I ignored him, he didn't realize I was upset and angry!

We are awaiting for call back from the sleep clinic. I keep telling him he needs to at least keep to a timetable for him and he has realized that he needs to lose some weight too and has lost a few KG this year.

But last night - it happened again - around 930 - I 'heard' him snoring from the chair - I walked in and he woke up, eyes all red. I said just wash up and go to bed. Repeat 3 more times, last call after midnight just after I had washed up. He didn't come to bed til 6am in the morning. He said he fell asleep on the chair and just woke up.

I am seriously mad. Surely he needs to help himself? He was so sleep, I ended up being so late for work as he slept through his alarm and I was tending to my daughter and couldn't do handover to him.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HopeClearwater · 05/05/2017 14:55

Sleep apnoea?

Original poster
LillyFlower20 · 05/05/2017 14:56

Yes that is what I have suspected but it has taken a while for him to admit it and seek help. As mentioned, we are awaiting a call back from the sleep clinic referral. But I just get angry that he doesn't help himself.

OP posts:
DoIDontIhavethetalk · 05/05/2017 15:44

Why is him snoozing in the afternoon embarrassing to you? And why is it making you angry that he's obviously constantly tired (or do you not believe him?).

Movingin2017 · 05/05/2017 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNaze73 · 05/05/2017 16:01

Why does it embarrass you?

Original poster
LillyFlower20 · 05/05/2017 16:17

It is embarrassing when he is snoring loudly in front of guests. I tell him to go to bed and have a snooze - he has the ability to fall asleep anywhere. He can have an afternoon nap - sure - but if he just woke up at 1pm?? And if he needs to recharge, just have a proper snooze in the bedroom. I have left him sometimes to look after our child whilst I get on with the chores and they will come to me that Daddy is sleeping.

I get angry with him as I go to him seeing that he is snoozing and tell him to just wash up and go to bed properly rather than sleeping on the chair/sofa - he says he will - then 3 more visits by me last night in to the study, he wants to continue what he is doing and then ends up going to deep sleep on the sofa/chair. There have been plenty of moments where he just falls asleep with the phone in his hand whilst the rest are watching TV.

Yes I believe him but I don't think he helps himself by having no timetable. He never goes to bed before midnight. Sometimes he has to work late, I understand but sometimes he has just to at least try to get to bed at a reasonable time. Surely the sleep clinic will also suggest this to begin with.

OP posts:
Offred · 05/05/2017 16:21

As I understand it you aren't angry at him for the snoozing or for the being always tired but about the length of time it has gone on without him being proactive about it and how that is affecting the whole family - is that right?

If so, what has happened already has already happened. You can only decide whether it is able to be gotten over and if so, how.

But, if he isn't attempting good sleep hygiene, even after your breakdown, and is dropping loads of responsibilities due to tiredness you have a right to be frustrated but you have to decide whether you are going to stick around or leave him to it. That really depends on whether you think he is going to step up a bit and at least practise better sleep hygiene and improving exercise/diet to lose weight. Does sound like he has done something though if he had lost a couple of KG.

Original poster
LillyFlower20 · 05/05/2017 16:23

Yesterday, I spoke to him at 930, 1030, before midnight and then after, saying he is tired, just wash up and go to bed. He isn't working on a contract at the moment. We both have to wake up early in the morning, we alternate the school run. Believe me this year it has been better - I make sure he is awake before midday on the weekends as I don't find that more sleep even helps him. He obv needs medical help but if he finds himself that he keeps nodding off and then wakes up when I enter the room or he realizes he is about to fall off the chair, then go and have a snooze properly on a comfy bed. I wish he would listen to his body rather than me nagging! And I don't like nagging!

OP posts:
Original poster
LillyFlower20 · 05/05/2017 16:27

You have got it in a nutshell @Offred. He has definitely improved this year and we spend a lot more time together - the last few years, the lack of sleep hygiene and lack of getting help has been a major elephant in the room with us. Still he went to the doctors and finally asked to be referred to a sleep clinic. I think he has realized age is not in his favour.

We started 'healthy' eating together and I have found that speaking 'nicer' to him esp on weekends, like encouraging to wake up otherwise he will feel worse (I found the more he sleeps, the more groggy he actually is!).

Previously, I would let him sleep, do the chores, take the LO out and about and come home - and even she would say "I bet Daddy is still sleeping". Like I say he has been more proactive this year but just don't want it to slip! And yesterday was a big slip as he actually didn't come to bed at all!

OP posts:
MissBax · 05/05/2017 16:32

It sounds like he has a health problem (most likely sleep apnoea), and all I'm picking up is that you're angry with him about it? I don't really understand to be honest.

Offred · 05/05/2017 16:39

So what has happened is that you have felt things have been better and he has done more to help improve the problem and I think what you are feeling is essentially anxiety that all the progress will be undone and it will all slip back to how it was?

That may be a bit pessimistic but it sounds like that time was awful for you and DD do not entirely surprising it would trigger a panic this time!

If you are definitely of the mindset, putting that panic to one side for now, that overall things are improving and you are generally quite happy apart from this slip back then I'd say just explain to him you panicked and why and go back to the encouraging you were doing before that was helping.

In fairness to him if he is that tired it will be difficult to keep up with diet, exercise and sleep hygiene. He should still be doing it (and getting help) but some slip ups are to be expected from a really tired person!

Offred · 05/05/2017 16:42

And yes, he should have gone to the GP earlier, you are right about that. He has gone now and hopefully he will get some support now to make the changes he needs to make.

Original poster
LillyFlower20 · 05/05/2017 16:44

@MissBax, If he is napping on his chair on and off in front of the computer/TV, rather than going to bed to sleep at 2am in the morning, then I don't think he is not helping himself especially when he is not working on any work projects at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
LillyFlower20 · 05/05/2017 16:48

May it is more frustrating that angry but it is definitely upsetting as then we lose teamwork. Also like I say, this year he has been proactive and admitting there is a problem. But he still does go to sleep late - despite feeling tired. And then last night was the first time in a while when he actually did not come to bed til 6am in the morning. That is when my alarm goes and our daughter wakes up by 7am.

OP posts:
MissBax · 05/05/2017 16:56

What does he say when you speak to him about it? Chances are he doesn't even realise how much it's bothering you, and may just be embarrassed about it.

Original poster
LillyFlower20 · 05/05/2017 16:58

I give him a nudge on the weekends just before 10am to say he needs to wake up before the day disappears so we spend more family time together. He doesn't seem to be napping as much - but I feel that this is because he is more active. In the evenings/nights - if I nudge him in nice way enough, he will be in bed by 1am - and this is early by his standards!

I am just really annoyed that he said he would wash up and come to bed last night so many times and was annoyed that I was getting annoyed - and then didn't come to bed at all as he ended up falling into deep sleep on the chair! This is the office chair. Definitely not good for his back at all.

OP posts:
Ledkr · 05/05/2017 17:04

Do you mean wash himself or do the washing up?

MissBax · 05/05/2017 17:13

But when you tell him it bothers you and you're worried about his health, how does the conversation go?

Original poster
LillyFlower20 · 05/05/2017 17:14

I mean brush up, change up and come to bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
LillyFlower20 · 05/05/2017 17:18

The only time he actually responded to me was last December, I literally said I can't take anymore and I feel that he doesn't want to be with me anymore and handed over my rings @MissBax. Otherwise he used to have his back to me whilst I am talking or ignores my messages - like this morning! I have had to change my tactic abit and be softer in my approach but this morning really *eed me off as I have been doing my best in keeping in mind he has a problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
LillyFlower20 · 05/05/2017 17:19

I didn't shout this morning but I did mention that it was 6am and how he didn't listen to me!

OP posts:
MissBax · 05/05/2017 17:25

Hmmm it sounds like there might be a communication issue in your relationship, I couldn't imagine raising a concern with my OH and him not responding or listening, but then I can be quite relentless and wouldn't let it pass us by unresolved. Not really sure what advice I can give I'm sorry!

Huskylover1 · 05/05/2017 17:28

Oh dear, you have my sympathies. My Dad is the same. Although, in fairness he is 70 + (but has been like it for years)

He gets up at 7am, sleeps in the chair from 7.15am until maybe 1pm. Wakes for lunch. Then snoozes more. Then falls asleep in his dinner. Wakes up, drinks booze. Sleeps on chair again. Crawls up to bed very late. Funny thing is he tells everyone, how he was up early!

He falls asleep in restaurants. He falls asleep mid conversation.

How old is your DH. He can't be very old if you have a child still at home. He definitely needs to get this sorted. He is sleeping his life away. And not contributing to family life and care of your child.

Offred · 05/05/2017 17:34

My dad is the same! He's 62.

He is also overweight and has heart disease and has been like this for years!

When he is awake he spends a lot of time complaining about his life limiting heart disease and the rest of the time ridiculously overeating and drinking beer!

We've all given up telling him he needs to change his diet, exercise, stop overeating and do something about his anxiety/stress because we have all been saying it to him for at least 25 years. There is no talking to him. He insists his HD is due to cycling in London in his 30s (pollution).

Offred · 05/05/2017 17:37

He worked for DOH during that time and they had a lounge where many of them would take 2-3 hour naps in the afternoon, he was very proud of this when I went on W/E.