AIBU - Sleeping Husband - not sleeping beauty!

[LillyFlower20]

So I am annoyed.com.

My husband says that he doesn't feel refreshed after sleeping - no matter what time he wakes up. After many years of this affecting our relationship in all senses, I had a breakdown last year and he said he has a problem and I said then he needs to get help. I was ready to leave. We don't just by ourselves - the extended family network etc - so my thinking process is not just having sex but our room is the only place we can have our couple catchup and personal chats etc. It has been not too bad this year - he works from home which doesn't help things (the division of work/home/play is blurred) but even it is late, we have been making time to watching TV together, chatting etc. We had a whole period where more often than not, he wouldn't come to bed, ended up sleeping on the sofa/chair etc. I am not talking about days or weeks, it was years. Even when I had let him sleep til 3pm (!) - I would still catch him snoozing in the afternoon...it is one thing I cannot stand. And quite embarrassing! Once or twice fine but....When I would angry with him, he would shut down. When I ignored him, he didn't realize I was upset and angry!

We are awaiting for call back from the sleep clinic. I keep telling him he needs to at least keep to a timetable for him and he has realized that he needs to lose some weight too and has lost a few KG this year.

But last night - it happened again - around 930 - I 'heard' him snoring from the chair - I walked in and he woke up, eyes all red. I said just wash up and go to bed. Repeat 3 more times, last call after midnight just after I had washed up. He didn't come to bed til 6am in the morning. He said he fell asleep on the chair and just woke up.

I am seriously mad. Surely he needs to help himself? He was so sleep, I ended up being so late for work as he slept through his alarm and I was tending to my daughter and couldn't do handover to him.

AIBU?

Mine was exactly the same. We have had years of him dozing off at regular intervals and snoring his head off.

Finally got him to the sleep clinic last year. He has a CPAP machine, and everything is so much better.

Yy if he gets CPAP then hopefully he will have a lot more focus and energy to put towards lifestyle changes.

This is quite 'outing' but, if it helps, I'm ok with it.

My sibling has narcolepsy. Before they were diagnosed we had similar issues. We thought they were lazy, being silly about their sleep hygiene and just generally shit. It caused huge problems between them and my mum (they still lived together at this point).

I could go on and on. It took years to get diagnosed. They've also been diagnosed with severe obstructive sleep apnoea, some years after the narcolepsy diagnosis.

We all felt so shit for the way we were with them. They were/are poorly and have an invisible disability that makes their life crappy. It limits what they can do. They yawn constantly, fall asleep anywhere (loud concerts even) and can be quite depressed about it.

So I totally understand where you're coming from, but, if he has something going on, he is suffering. And I appreciate that he needs to get help, but having the motivation and oompf to do that when you're so damned tired is hard. When you're so tired that even going to bed is a monumental effort. That daily life is an effort beyond most people's understanding. And also, it's embarrassing and seems silly. So I guess I'm saying, do try and be kind and patient and helpful and see that he may be suffering and need your help to get help.

I am not judging you, I've been there. Happy to chat if you want and I'm sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick. Either way, some for you.

I do think he has a version of Sleep Apnoa - he snores v loudly and his breathing is not smooth.

However he hasn't always been bad - the last few years have been tough but when the first few years of marriage were fine, when he was working in an office. And as I said he has stepped up this year. Snoozes still but manageable and last night just threw me. But last few years, it has been tough. It is not just sleep, our bedroom is our own private place where we can talk etc.

I think the problem has been exacerbated since he started working from home, lack of exercise and just general physical activity. He doesn't drink or smoke and he doesn't snake all that much, but since working from, he has also put on weight. Now with some school runs, he at least gets some walking. Just annoyed me last night that he woke up when I walked in (all three times), I said just go to bed, he said he will, turned to face the computer again and obviously after a while, he went back to sleep. Like I say, I went to bed around 1230am myself and spoke to him again.

He is in his 40s and think that was a wake up call for him. He has cut down on carbs etc.

I don't think staring at the screen helps! He needs professional help but I feel he can mitigate himself. He hasn't got major projects at the moment so he can't blame work.

And I guess if doesn't come to bed, we don't get that couple time. Inlaws are very conservative, even though we need to have babies, any signs of affection in front of people even a kiss on the cheek or hug....some of you will understand and some of you won't, it is just how it is. So in the past, when he regularly didn't come to bed, I took it v personally saying he doesn't want to spend time with me. When I used to go sleep early and then hear him snoring at 2am in the living room, I would say come to bed and still wake up the noone in the morning.

Has he had his thyroid tested? Underactive thyroid can go hand in hand w weight gain and sleep apnoea, and apnoea will contribute to weight gain.
Before I was diagnosed w uat I was tired, vague, detached, very puffy (fluid retention everywhere). It affects sleep, moods, appearance etc. Even now on treatment if I'm a bit undertreated I get light/unrefreshing sleep and am chronically exhausted.
Good luck op, I hope you and dh sort it out.

Sounds like me and my dh. He's just had his referral through from the sleep clinic.

Trouble is, I can't blame him for not being able to do things I can't either. We both have eating issues so I'm more understanding that being seemingly unwilling to change isn't because of lack of consideration for me so I don't take it personally.

He'll be getting the help and diagnosis he needs do things are progressing. See how he reacts to that then decide if his behaviour is a deal breaker.

I have severe obstructive sleep apnoea and probably had it for a good 10 years before diagnosis. Partly this was because I didn't realise there was a problem- I didn't hear myself snoring, didn't know I stopped breathing in my sleep, and just thought being constantly knackered was part and parcel of working full time and being a mum. However once DH gently raised it and said he was scared for me, because he had to stay awake at night in case I stopped breaking and didn't restart, I went to the hospital and couldn't get a referral to the specialist because I didn't score highly enough on the self diagnosis chart.

My GP eventually told me to exaggerate on the chart to get my score high enough for the sleep study, which then picked up that I was having up to 100 episodes an hour. No wonder I was tired all the time. I was given a CPAP machine and while it took some getting used to, I now can't sleep without it and find myself refreshed in the mornings, and I no longer wake up with a headache unless I haven't got the mask with me.

Hi I too have sleep apnoea. You really can't help yourself falling asleep all the time.
With treatment. In my case rhinoplasty op and cpap machine. Different person now. I am still overweight 😊. I don't need to sleep during the day and I feel more refreshed and have lots more energy.
Tell him to get to the doctor to get checked out. If he has sleep apnoea he will have a higher risk of heart attack without treatment.
Cpap machine has been life changing but a faff to get used to.